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@weirdasshoroscopes
Yeah I'm into phrenology but I don't like, really believe in it. it's just for fun. could you tell me the dimensions of your brow? oh that makes so much sense you can be really aggressive haha. wow your nostrils are really wide too are you capable of empathy? Idk I just don't want to date anyone with your head shape it gives me the ick
Normal Horoscope:
Aries: Today would be nicer if you weren’t chained to a post and set on fire, but we make the best with what we got.
Taurus: Be sure to spend time bonding with your pet. Consider patrolling your home for intruders and eliminating them as a team.
Gemini: Support your friends and improve the group dynamic by also allowing a ritual candle to melt over your deer-skull mask.
Cancer: The ultimate ability of customer service is the ability to cleave a man in two with a single blow. This is the apex of customer relations.
Leo: Today while gardening you will accidentally perform an arcane ritual that allows snakes to use firearms. This is not your fault, but still your responsibility.
Virgo: Your normal problem solving strategy of just slapping the shit out of something until it does what you want may run into some trouble when you encounter someone gains power when slapped.
Libra: Keep your struggles at a healthy distance by operating your computer with a long stick.
Scorpio: Its amazing how much stuff you realize isn’t actually important after you completely forget to do it and nothing bad happens.
Ophiuchus: Celebrate your creative accomplishments by lurking in abandoned wells or caves or the like. Don’t go crazy.
Sagittarius: One mans muck is another mans slime. Sludge is consistent across all human experience.
Capricorn: Do not take it as an insult to your skill when you are practicing your musical instrument of choice and the assassins arrive. They mixed up the address.
Aquarius: Luring adventurers with haunting melodies is not a career. Nobody is paying you, so its a hobby. For now.
Pisces: Speed up household chores by astral projecting a second pair of hands to fold your meta-laundry while you do your normal laundry.
The signs as Spiderman quotes
Aries: With great power comes great responsibility
Taurus: bring it on, big boy
Gemini: New York pizza is just ok. It’s fine.
Leo: Eat my ass, Doc Ock
Virgo: Disney got their dirty little mouse hands on me and the first thing they did was make me a billionaire’s pet project because they couldn’t stand the idea of an actually poor kid being a superhero, so now I solve my problems by calling private jets to come pick me up.
Libra: ok, boomer
Scorpio: Every iteration of this franchise makes Aunt May a little younger and gives her a few more love interests. Spiderman reboot #246 will straight up be a high school harem anime staring Aunt May.
Sagittarius: If you can’t handle me at my worst, that’s fine. I can’t handle it either.
Capricorn: Eat my ass, JJ Jameson. I don't care that your son was an astronaut or whatever.
Aquarius: No MJ, the web shooters aren't part of my powers, I made them. For like, the aesthetic.
Pisces: Brake up the banks
Cancer: Uncle Ben said one cool thing to me ever. Everything else he ever said was actually kinda racist.
why is everyone in the notes of this being so rude. yall are cringe. let people have things, jesus. they arent hurting anyone by putting more thought into raising their child
Relying on pseudoscience to tell you how your kid will behave actually is some pretty traumatizing stuff (Especially if they're a "bad" sign like Gemini or Scorpio). I wouldn't call it fun and games when kids are potentially being brushed off and misunderstood.
Example; I'm a Cancer, and all my life my mom and stepdad teased me for being so sensitive and wouldn't take me seriously when I told them I was in pain or crying. Well, 20 years later I find out I have fibromyalgia.
If you don't know what that is, it's a neurological disorder that causes my nerve endings to be constantly wired and makes me feel pain 24/7. There is no break, no relief, no cure. But you can manage it so it doesn't become too bad when you're older. I did not get that option, because my mom assumed that I was just being a crybaby. Because I'm a Cancer. And obviously I'm a liar too, because whoops I was born on the Gemini/Cancer cusp!
Now obviously not every mom is as bad as mine, but as fun as astrology is it can absolutely blind you to what your child is going through. If your child starts lying and you figure it's because they're a Gemini you'll never get to the root problem.
And by the way, your kids can TELL that you don't know anything about them. When I talk to my mom she just rattles off the admirable traits of my star-sign like it's a compliment. She doesn't know anything about my life or personality, but she sure can speculate based on a few very sad memories and a Zodiac facebook page. Let people have what they want, let them celebrate their zodiac signs; Do NOT mistake a fun trivia question for a guide on how your child should/will act because that DOES hurt people.
This is?? A thing that people actually? Do????
What is wrong with people?
The notes are full of people talking about how their parents neglected their needs and abused them and never got them mental health treatment because of their zodiac signs and my mind is fucking boggled
I thought this stuff was like. For fun?? I had no idea people believed in it to this extent?? What the fuck
IF ANY OF YOU MAKE MEDICAL CHOICES BASED ON ASTROLOGY I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND THROTTLE YOU
ITS SINGLES NIGHT DOWN AT THE MASSIVE CIRCULAR FIELD OF BLACK GRANITE STONES THAT BLEED WHEN YOU TOUCH THEM
Aries: Avoid stairs. If you must use them, best to crawl on all fours.
Taurus: Great day for waffles. Unless you don't like waffles, or can't get them, or just don't want to.
Gemini: Don't trust Leos.
Cancer: Your pets don't want to live with you. They're your prisoners. Be honest with yourself.
Leo: Gemini suspects. Pack a bag and go.
Virgo: You're doing great.
Libra: Good day for trust falls. Collapse on your friends without warning.
Scorpio: You don't drink enough water. It probably won't impact your health in any serious way, but it's still true.
Sagittarius: Be on edge around Libras. Seriously. Maybe avoid concrete sidewalks.
Capricorn: Strip poker can be fun in the right setting with the right group of people, but anyone who has ever suggested you play it more than twice is a person to be avoided.
Aquarius: Gonna be dark tonight. Don't worry about it.
Pisces: Strip poker could be fun, right?
Aries: Beauty is subjective and so is pain.
Taurus: Do not decorate your living space. just get a single small potted plant and care for it to the best of your abilities.
Gemini: You are loved, but that doesn't mean what you think it does.
Cancer: You should call your aunt. It's too bad no one ever told you about her.
Leo: When you fall asleep you go home. When you wake up we pull you back here. We need you.
Virgo: There's something about your birth certificate no one's noticed yet. Look. Really look, and try to keep calm.
Libra: You're nails are kinda weird, right? Like, it's not obvious, but they're not like other people's.
Scorpio: Kissing's overrated, except that it's not.
Sagittarius: Cats are not actually mean, they just have human ideas about autonomy and freedom.
Capricorn: There is a small fish hidden somewhere near you. So long as you don't move it won't see you.
Aquarius: Put a macaron and an oreo in a box and let them fight.
Pisces: Capricorn is having a worse day then you, by far.
The Signs as Things I am Doing During Lockdown
Aries: Learning 3 chords on the ukulele.
Taurus: Doing 4 knee push ups before getting winded.
Gemini: Thinking that I should text my friends and then not doing it.
Leo: Wearing impractical clothes. What will it be today? 3 piece suit? Victorian ball gown? Lingerie and a cowboy hat? It literally doesn't matter
Virgo: Avoiding my abusive dad.
Libra: Making fancy coffee to feel human.
Scorpio: Writing a very, very bad poem.
Sagittarius: Sitting up in my bed at 2 AM, my head in my hands, shaking, because I can’t sleep but don’t know why.
Capricorn: Eating raw ramen noodles like they’re chips.
Aquarius: Focusing too much on my online classes because they tether me to something real.
Pisces: Fighting the Quarantine Goblin when he shows up in my backyard and threatens to brake social distancing if I don’t give him all my canned goods and hand sanitizer.
Cancer: Watching videos on proper homemade mask procedure and forgetting everything I learned in them immediately.
St. Paddy's Day
Aries: Great day to pretend to be red-green color blind and pinch your enemies.
Taurus: It's time to make peace with the snakes. Offer one a beer.
Gemini: Did you know most of the people stowed in the steerage of the titanic were Irish? Most if not all of them died. Your Irish friends will love if you bring this up in casual conversation.
Cancer: Eat a green cookie to trick your body into thinking it's getting nutrients.
Leo: You're a leprechaun. I'm sorry, we couldn't tell you until today. If your surprised or upset, confide in a Sagittarius friend. They're very understanding.
Virgo: Green is not a good color on you, but it's not really good on anyone. That's mother earth's color, only she pulls it off.
Libra: If you meet a nice blonde woman tonight and can't remember her name, you're pretty safe guessing Kathy, Maureen, or Megan.
Scorpio: There's actually a correlation between cultures with high rates of alcoholism and places where starches are the main agricultural export. We're not completely sure why, but be sure to pour one out today for all the alcoholics that don't love what this day has become.
Sagittarius: You're a leprechaun hunter. I'm sorry we couldn't tell you until today, but you have a duty. Even if it's difficult. Even it cost you a friend.
Capricorn: Happy monochromatic Mardi Gras! All the beads and drinking but none of the masks to hide your shame.
Aquarius: Look up some Celtic music to play at a party. It actually kinda slaps, just in a sort of way that makes you think your house might be haunted.
Pisces: If Saint Paddy's day in America makes you uncomfortable, just wait until Cinco De Mayo. You ain't seen nothing yet.
Fashion Advice For The Signs
Aries: Cut holes in the lining of your jacket to make inside pockets for your phone, FBI Badge, and loose gummy bears.
Taurus: Wear a vest to let people know your torso is cold, but your arms are strong and apathetic to the weather.
Gemini: Jumpsuits. Pros: Fashion. Cons: Bathroom. Compromise: Carry hamburglar mask in your pocket at all times, be constantly ready to fight crime. Also, wear a diaper.
Leo: Crop top on top, high-waisted pants on the bottom. That uncovered millimeter is where fashion happens.
Virgo: Oversized denim jacket. As oversized as you can get. Let it consume you. Make a personal tent out of your oversized jacket and go off the grid. Hide from society. No one can hurt you in the denim.
Libra: Wear a valor shirt, but turn it inside out so the valor part is touching your skin. Have a sexy secret all day.
Scorpio: Do not get dressed today. Wrap yourself in bed sheets and slide across the ground like a snail to your local coffee house.
Sagittarius: Cuff your jeans, and in order to keep them up cover the cuffs in those pins people cover their backpacks in. Jingly, fashionable ankles.
Capricorn: Borrow your best friend’s clothes. Also borrow their accessories, their books, their career, their loved ones. Be in their bedroom already when they try to go to bed, scream when you see them and threaten to call the police. Live your best life.
Aquarius: White shirt, white pants. Pour paint on the floor. Stop, drop, roll. Fashion.
Pisces: Do not let a Capricorn borrow your shirt. Lock your bedroom door from now on.
Cancer: strategically placed oak leaves are the new black.
Normal Horoscope:
Aries: A romantic evening of hemorrhaging blood and experimental jazz.
Taurus: Your creative endeavors will crash against the shores of reality and slowly erode them over the course of several years.
Gemini: Whoops! Looks like you’re gonna see the true face of god! Tough luck gemini!
Cancer: Today is another day to put a manageable amount of effort into something you love. Just like all the other ones.
Leo: You’ve got a full day of coalescing ahead of you. A schedule packed wall-to-wall with coalescing.
Virgo: What is god to you? What is the nature of god? Where does it live? What does it want? Know this.
Libra: There is an inherent danger to feeding large flocks of crows. Never know what they might bring you in return.
Scorpio: Psychoanalysis is not a valid diagnostic technique, nor is it appropriate behavior on a first date.
Ophiuchus: You can’t practice drowning.
Sagittarius: Some difficulties in your personal life will prompt some soul searching on your part. Don’t be surprised to learn the core of your being is a bundle of fresh grapes.
Capricorn: Consider some changes when you are struck with stress-induced-temporary-blindness.
Aquarius: Don’t talk to anyone who has a mouthful of bees. They wont hurt you or anything they’re weird and dont care about the safety of bees. Thats not someone you want in your life.
Pisces: Seek a pleasant life. Things can suck, so aim high.
St. Paddy's Day
Aries: Great day to pretend to be red-green color blind and pinch your enemies.
Taurus: It's time to make peace with the snakes. Offer one a beer.
Gemini: Did you know most of the people stowed in the steerage of the titanic were Irish? Most if not all of them died. Your Irish friends will love if you bring this up in casual conversation.
Cancer: Eat a green cookie to trick your body into thinking it's getting nutrients.
Leo: You're a leprechaun. I'm sorry, we couldn't tell you until today. If you're surprised or upset, confide in a Sagittarius friend. They're very understanding.
Virgo: Green is not a good color on you, but it's not really good on anyone. That's mother earth's color, only she pulls it off.
Libra: If you meet a nice blonde woman tonight and can't remember her name, you're pretty safe guessing Kathy, Maureen, or Megan.
Scorpio: There's actually a correlation between cultures with high rates of alcoholism and places where starches are the main agricultural export. We're not completely sure why, but be sure to pour one out today for all the alcoholics that don't love what this day has become.
Sagittarius: You're a leprechaun hunter. I'm sorry we couldn't tell you until today, but you have a duty. Even if it's difficult. Even it cost you a friend.
Capricorn: Happy monochromatic Mardi Gras! All the beads and drinking but none of the masks to hide your shame.
Aquarius: Look up some Celtic music to play at a party. It actually kinda slaps, just in a sort of way that makes you think your house might be haunted.
Pisces: If Saint Paddy's day in America makes you uncomfortable, just wait until Cinco De Mayo. You ain't seen nothing yet.
Passive Aggressive Teacher Horoscopes
Aries: Asking for a doctors note to excuse an absence do to a sickness no one would reasonably see a doctor for, like a cold or the flu.
Taurus: Not rounding grades up.
Gemini: Spending the first few minutes of class talking about what they saw on TV last night.
Cancer: Zero tolerance cell phone polices
Leo: "sigh"
Virgo: Telling the class all about the career they had before they had kids and settled for teaching.
Libra: Dividing the class by gender for any activity.
Scorpio: Asking to see your ADA paperwork when you ask for accommodation.
Sagittarius: Asking where you're going when you try to step out of the class room.
Capricorn: "Anyone?" (silence) "Bueller?"
Aquarius: Rearranging the class room and lesson plan on the one day there's an observer, then going right back to their usual methods as soon as the observer leaves.
Pisces: Accosting the class as a whole for a low average score on a test, as if there isn't a clear common denominator there.
The Signs As Dreams I've Had
Aries: I go on a long journey with many people across many challenges, crossing bridges over troubled water, going through many tunnels, to find a castle made entirely of ivory hidden in a cave. But if we haven't enjoyed the journey, the ivory turns to molten lava. Since one teen had been complaining the whole time, we watch the ivory towers melt.
Taurus: Everyone is slowly becoming infected with a parasite. People love the parasites because they cause the appearance of health. People feel great once infected. I keep trying to explain to people that the parasites increase health and impair judgement in order to more effectively spread. No one listens. They begin vaccinating children with the parasite. I crash a vaccination clinic and take a vial of the parasite. I show the vial to my mom and tell her we can find a cure. She smashes the vial. She is also infected.
Gemini: The class is on a trip to the aquarium but due to an error of scheduling must stay overnight in a hotel. I am unprepared, as I have not packed a change of clothes. The class goes to see a production of Hamlet. In this interpretation Hamlet is only courting Ophelia out of obligation and is actually in love with Guildenstern. All the dialogue is the same but during their repartee they have sex. The teacher we are with is not pleased with this interpretation.
Cancer: Along with a packet on the Supreme Court we are also expected to turn in one of our fingers as homework. The teacher passes around pairs of shears for us to cut them off with. I am trying, but my finger is sturdier than it looks. I realize while trying to cut off my finger and failing that this is an unreasonable request on the teacher’s part. Turns out it was just a test to see if we would cut off our fingers. Only one girl actually managed to do it. She seems a little pissed.
Leo: I am spider man. I’m chilling in costume with MJ and Eddie Brock. Our art teacher comes by and sits with us and I consider running because I can't be caught as Spiderman by adults, but then I remember art teachers are always cool. Another teacher walks by and I don't react right away because I feel so safe with these people. Art teacher tells me to run. It's a gym teacher, who are never cool. This particular teacher has it out for me, wants to unmask me and turn me into the police. I don't evade him as well as I usually do.
Virgo: I see a bunny in the front yard. Aww, cute. As it hops away I see another shape, think it is another bunny. I get closer, it is a chickcharney. I am scared by the unfamiliarity and run from it, but end up leading it in to the backyard. I run but I pass through spider webs. They get bigger and bigger until I get caught in one. I think, no, the black widows will come.
Libra: I'm trying to shower with my headphones on. Showering is important. I accidentally throw my headphones out a window and they land in the neighbor's backyard. Raye is friends with the girl who lives there and gets them back for me. They look more like a hair straightener now. I go to Girl Scout meeting. This is the last one. I am aware that I have not been to any up to this point.
Scorpio: Someone gives me a puppy for free but I forget about it and leave it in the car. It dies. Then it turns out to still be alive so I give it some old stale power bar that I also left in the car and some water left over from the gym. I forget it's there again and hit it with the car door, killing it for real. I cry.
Sagittarius: I'm in a grocery store considering buying pop tarts in bulk. There is a couple in the park fighting. They are a hippo and an elephant? Giant, purple and green respectively. They have a little blue daughter but I'm not sure what animal she is. She wants to go home, but it's too far a walk. She leaves, and Sherlock Holmes is hired to find her. We all help. In our search we come across bathrooms and me and mom look in the ladies. She's hiding in there, with handfuls of costume jewelry. We help her escape, mom takes the jewelry and hides it in her purse. We go outside and Sherlock asks us if she was in there and we say no.
Capricorn: I am me again walking through the desert with my mom. I am on her back sometimes. As we walk through the desert we are pursued by two men, one older than the other and possibly a butler. They can both turn into dinosaurs
Aquarius: I peruse some fair-like stand on the beach and learn about a creature whose name I can no longer pronounce now that I'm awake. It is a small baby bear with a flat nose that hatches out of a large egg buried in the sand. People often make the mistake of finding these fascinated eggs, taking them home, then bonding with the bear once they hatch. The bear is still a bear though, so once it grows up it attacks the person who raised it. Of course, Mike finds an egg and tries to raise the baby bear-thing. I fall for its adorable charms.
Pisces: I am Spiderman. He/me is tired of being thought of as a dweeb. Inspired by the pride of the X-Men who are openly mutants and have no secret identities, I decide to lose the mask and just go by Peter. I still wear the costume, but no mask, just sunglasses to protect from dust as I swing. Some people call me Spiderpeter.
Valentines Horoscopes
Aries: Show someone you love them buy buying them a box of chocolates, only some of witch they will eat, because giving someone candy they actually like is a sign of weakness.
Taurus: Confess your crush by making a public display, endearing yourself to your peers and vilifying the object of your affection in their eyes if they reject you. All the best relationships are built on emotional blackmail.
Gemini: We think having a lot of pets is a sign of loneliness, as if going on dates isn't. Adopt 32 cats and don't worry about what anyone thinks.
Cancer: Give your crush a rose! Oh no, they're allergic... They're going into anaphylactic shock! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???
Leo: Avoid Taurus. If you see a boom box, run.
Virgo: Being "single" and being "alone" are not the same thing. Wish your friends, family, caretakers, and pets a happy Valentines Day.
Libra: Red is the color of love. Eat only red things today! Beets, tomatoes, fire hydrants, cardinals, blood clots, ect.
Scorpio: Every song is a love song if you love music enough.
Sagittarius: It's never a bad time to decide to love yourself more.
Capricorn: Why don't people cuddle more??? It doesn't have to be a big deal just find a friend and CUDDLLLLEEE...
Aquarius: It's a big beautiful world. Show it a little love today by sitting outside or looking out a window.
Pisces: Love isn't a choice. But it is something you work at, something you can feed or starve. It's more then a choice, it's hundreds of them. One of those choices will be to eat some candy that has the texture of chalk and pretend you like it.
Superbowl Special
Aries: Switch which team you're rooting for halfway through. Just to gain perspective.
Taurus: You're performing at half time. I know it's last minute, but get ready.
Gemini: Hot superbowl snack of the year: Pumpkin seeds covered in parmesan cheese and thrown in a waffle iron.
Cancer: The bubbles are cursed. Drink only flat soda.
Leo: If you bet an equal amount of money on both teams, you break even on both money and pride.
Virgo: Be sure to ask your pets who they're rooting for and execute them accordingly.
Libra: Use a knit hat to cover your earbuds so no one knows you're listening to a medical history podcast.
Scorpio: The day after, argue with people one-on-one about who won, who was playing, and weather or not the superbowl really happened. What are you talking about? There hasn't been a super bowl in almost ten years.
Sagittarius: Gemini's house will have the best game snacks, they won't be strange or sticky at all.
Capricorn: All that matters is having fun and which of the three teams gets erased from our memory afterwards.
Aquarius: The wings will be too spicy. Those sexy birds and their wing-lingerie.
Pisces: Don't tell anyone you decide who wins in your night terrors.
Aries: Beauty is subjective and so is pain.
Taurus: Do not decorate your living space. just get a single small potted plant and care for it to the best of your abilities.
Gemini: You are loved, but that doesn't mean what you think it does.
Cancer: You should call your aunt. It's too bad no one ever told you about her.
Leo: When you fall asleep you go home. When you wake up we pull you back here. We need you.
Virgo: There's something about your birth certificate no one's noticed yet. Look. Really look, and try to keep calm.
Libra: You're nails are kinda weird, right? Like, it's not obvious, but they're not like other people's.
Scorpio: Kissing's overrated, except that it's not.
Sagittarius: Cats are not actually mean, they just have human ideas about autonomy and freedom.
Capricorn: There is a small fish hidden somewhere near you. So long as you don't move it won't see you.
Aquarius: Put a macaron and an oreo in a box and let them fight.
Pisces: Capricorn is having a worse day then you, by far.
