I Have A Lot of Feelings

So many thoughts running through my brain. How to express. How to share. A safe space for personal and spiritual exploration.

[welcometomybrain818]

Scenes from a breakup part II

I went to Portland with C. Before flying, I felt fine not contacting you. I thought I was healed. I thought I was moving on. But I am nostalgic and soft, and Portland makes me think of you and the sweeter moments we had together. I wanted to contact you, but I knew it wasn’t a good idea for me. I wanted to contact you so badly, my fingers twitched. I thought about running into you and what I would say. I saw cars that looked like yours and they would pass and I would worry you’d seen me. That you’d be mad. Or sad. Or worse, passive. Numb. I didn’t want you to be numb. I wanted you to feel the extent of your feelings. I wanted you to be free. The trip was really lovely all in all, and it helped me process more. And I am grateful to C. I will always be grateful to C for supporting me through all of this. She makes me believe in true friendship. 

I posted some writing to my Instagram story and you saw it. I alluded to the idea that we were incompatible, which you absolutely know is true. You were the one who flagged it! I was willing to ignore it! To ignore all of my needs! To sacrifice so much of myself. Maybe that’s why you don’t see it, because I was so willing to shrink myself for you. You texted me to “check in”. We had a somewhat difficult exchange where I tried to be gentle and honest about my experience and you didn’t take it well. It was really hard for me to say anything to you, truthfully. To advocate for myself and speak my needs. It is still an uncomfortable practice. You sent me a flippant message, unwilling to express your experience or take on our ending and I could feel the malice in your words even if, to an onlooker they appeared benign. Later that day I was high and I saw you’d chosen to text me after all. I burst into tears because I thought the message was nice. Of course, I wasn’t entirely lucid. In my lucidity I could see how different our perspectives really were. How little responsibility you wanted to take for how you made me feel. 

I was on a third-ish date. It was a birthday party on a roof with strangers, which I always find fun. I brought my friend M with me. We were having fun and then my date offered me shrooms. I am normally quite intentional with substances, but this evening I had a sort of “fuck-it-all” attitude about things and figured a small amount wouldn’t hurt. I ended up having a full-on trip that started in a room full of strangers. It freaked me out. I lay on my dates’ bed with him and it was clear we were mentally in very different places. He was present in the room and I was off somewhere seeing wild visuals with my eyes closed, trying to figure out how to leave. At one point he held me very tightly against his chest and put his mouth on my nose. He made a popping noise that I found quite unpleasant. He expressed how much he liked me and I expressed how much I needed to go home. So he waited with me and I got into a Lyft. The entire time I was in the Lyft, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. About how much I missed you and needed to speak to you. I knew you’d know how to save me. So I called you and you were obviously very surprised but willing to help me. But your phone was low on battery and you had to drive home from somewhere far away so you couldn’t stay with me. You said you’d call me when you got home and sent me tips and music recommendations which was nice of you. I was extremely apologetic about reaching out because I knew I had violated an unspoken boundary. My trip was unproductive and existential. I was reckoning with the fact that I was ultimately alone and nobody could actually save me or make me feel saved. I waited until 3 AM for you to call me and eventually you texted me that we could talk but that you needed to “text the boys” first. This broke me. This tore me apart. Why did you say that? Why did you have to remind me I wasn’t your first priority? When I needed you? Why was that necessary? We talked on the phone for about an hour and caught up. It was clear to me after that call that you hadn’t really changed. What was I to expect from you really? But it surprised me when you told me you had been feeling mean, because I could tell, but I didn’t really expect it from you. And that gave me the clarity I needed to move on because I knew then that I couldn’t hold out for you. When we ended, you were so concerned about hurting me or saying something you couldn’t take back. And I realized after we spoke that I can have deep empathy and compassion for you. For your life struggles. For your pain. And I can also draw a boundary that protects myself, because I don’t deserve meanness or cruelty. I never did. I don’t deserve to feel small and I don’t want to allow that for myself anymore. You always said, “you deserve so much more than what you allow for yourself”, and after that night I understood how true that statement was.

I started to have dreams about you where you disrespected me. I felt so much anger towards some of the things you’d said or blown off. I felt frustrated that I hadn’t defended myself. Really, I was sad that I didn’t speak up for myself. But I was also furious. How dare you blame my reactivity in our relationship on my inner child wounds, as though you didn’t know you were kicking them up. As though it doesn’t take two to tango. How dare you complain about me to your friends right in front of me. How dare you suggest my boundaries are unreasonable. How dare you not take responsibility. So I really felt my anger this time. I wrote everything down I wished I could say to you. I screamed. I cried. And then I burnt it. I released it all. And I felt better after that.

The dreams changed. They weren’t about betrayal or your nonchalance with mistreating me. They were soft. They were gentle. They were about being held and hugged and kissed. And comfort. And I still miss those parts most of all. The fleeting tenderness. I started going to slow yoga classes and focusing on opening my heart again. I am realizing now that part of opening my heart again is understanding that the tenderness I seek, the comfort, the love, all of that lives within me. I can access that well whenever I need to. I don’t need to depend on anyone else to feel worthy of love, because I am love. It is not outside of me. I lay in bed and I realized I had reached a culminating point. Tears streamed down my face and a sense of peace came over me. I’m sure the grief will return in some shape or form. I still have shadows to address, but I knew that the fact that I’d started to focus on good things again, on the sweetest parts of me and you meant I was moving on in a new way. Giving myself permission to feel everything had opened a door to my future. A pathway out of bitterness. A pathway back to myself. 

[welcometomybrain818]

Scenes from a breakup part 1

After you left I went to acupuncture. I sat on the table, my back covered in needles. I closed my eyes and my inner child stared back at me. Actually, she was trying to hide. I could see she was upset with me. I wept, hot snot streaming out of my nose and onto the floor. I had abandoned and rejected her. I vowed to never do that again. To never lose her like that. 

Claire went with me to the park where you and your guilty conscience-free friend climbed trees so I could take shroom chocolate and process. I sobbed, I saw the white light, I let myself feel through the pieces of you I loved and my guides told me that when I was ready to open my heart again love would find me. I wrote you a very long letter absolving you of everything and it was beautiful but dopamine fueled, so I waited to send it. I never will. 

I got COVID and read a lot of "Ask Polly". She reminded me that it wasn’t necessarily a good thing that you felt like home. That because my home was dysfunctional, I had recreated and reinforced a dynamic that was harmful to me. A dynamic that emphasized giving to you, and accepting the limited amounts I received back. I didn’t know how to manage reciprocity. I had to heal those pieces. 

I was still in isolation and I got the light blue tube top in the mail that you had taken accidentally the day you left. I also discovered a song called “Alaska” by Caiola that made me burst into tears. Then I smelled the shirt. You’d washed it. It smelled like you, and that made me sadder. I listened to that song on repeat and cried about you. 

I went home to Arizona with the hoodie I needed to mail back to you. I wrote you a small, sweet note and I sent it your way. I didn’t feel free in that moment, but I knew I had released something. I spent that time feeling anger bubble up and not sure what to do with it quite yet. I knew you’d mishandled me. Made me feel small, but I couldn’t figure out how to process that information.

[welcometomybrain818]

Some benefits to being sensitive

It is very hard to be sensitive in a world that is hard, but here are some of the great things about it:

When someone touches me I can feel the energetic exchange. When someone I want to touch me touches me, shivers run down my spine.

When someone places their attention on me or wants to do something for me/wants my full attention, I get full body tingles.

When I feel joy, I feel it in my whole being. I can harness ecstatic states without external substances.

MUSIC. I can feel the emotions in a song. A song can crack me open in the best way. A song can light me up and make me feel seen. I can connect so deeply with a feeling, even if I haven’t experienced it yet. Even if I’ll never experience it. I can feel someone’s heart on the other end of their tune. I have endless gratitude for this gift.

[welcometomybrain818]

August 16th, 2022

I walked home and I saw a black grasshopper on the sidewalk and that felt notable. And then I walked some more and I saw what I think was a Monarch Butterfly but then I researched the spiritual meaning later and it could’ve been a mimic. Who knew? I marveled at it for a long time. It was fighting with a moth. The moth was much uglier than the butterfly. I love both creatures, but the moth was pestering the butterfly and I felt irritated for it. I don’t know why it was bothering it. The orange vibrancy of that butterfly gets me every time. Maybe because a Julia Butterfly is also vibrantly orange so it makes me think of myself. Later I went to acupuncture and before I went I could feel something bursting inside me. A great need to cry and not knowing why. And then I went and the whole time I couldn’t calm down because I wanted to hear back from a boy. And that feeling was somewhat unfamiliar. I mean, it was familiar but I hadn’t felt it in a long time. The anticipatory excitement. And I couldn’t help but wonder why, last night when he messaged me and I was writing a song about another boy who couldn’t really give me what I was looking for, I burst out crying. I haven’t randomly burst out crying in quite awhile. Like all of my senses were flooding. And it felt painful but also important. I’ve always found crying important. And sometimes the crying is just a pure knowing I can’t articulate and this felt like this but I didn’t know what it meant. I still don’t. And I decided to wait until after acupuncture to really cry so during acupuncture I couldn’t push away this feeling that I really wanted to go out with this man and I couldn’t explain why except I just really wanted to. So I decided if I didn’t hear from him after a certain time I was going to ask him and I had this deep knowing he would say yes. And so I got back home and he still hadn’t messaged me back, but I still had a plan and I cried. Oh, I cried deeply. And I still didn’t know why, or for what I was crying about. Again, I knew it was important, but I couldn’t tell if it was intuitive or release or something else entirely. It felt like I was an ocean, a wave overtaking my body and almost like witnessing it happen rather than really feeling it. It was strange. And then I thought about how, well if worst case he says no, well no harm no foul because I don’t know him and I’m just following my instincts and, like I like to say, if you don’t do things that scare you whats the point of living? And, really what’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t respond. We’ve done this before. We, meaning myself and all the bruised versions of myself that have experienced rejection and abandonment. Also, if he doesn’t respond he still showed me expansion, which is all I’m really looking for. A man who is open to talking about occult topics. And I talked to another man who loves to cry. And I went out with another man who cries and appreciates my sensitivity. All in all I’ve been shown a lot of promise about what and who I’m manifesting. So after all that, I sent him a message and he responded quite swiftly in the affirmative. And he suggested we go on a hike as a first date which is a first because usually people in this town just suggest drinks and I don’t drink, which makes things a bit stressful to navigate. I’ve also always quite liked dates that involve walking or being in nature because there’s less pressure and it soothes my nerves to be moving. It also reduces that awkwardness that comes from eye contact. And so, I don’t know what any of this means. I don’t. Except the grasshopper message online says to “take a leap of faith” and I’ve been acknowledging that my desire for connection and intimacy is strong but also I am scared and I am trying to fight my fears because otherwise what will I do? Shrivel into a little pocket version of myself that cannot be seen or heard or held? I simply cannot allow that for myself. That cannot be my story. My story must be bigger and grander and expansive and full of love. 

[welcometomybrain818]

Resistance

Resistance is an interesting concept. I realized this morning it's not always a bad thing. In terms of manifestation it is. You want to live in flow, in a frequency of ease. I understand this. But I was thinking about how resistance also serves us. It shows us where we need to grow and move on. For example, sometimes resistance shows up to reflect something we need to see in our shadow. Sometimes ease is bad. My tendency with conflict is to be passive aggressive. The easy path for me is to engage with an immature reaction. To try to make someone feel bad or guilty. But I know I'm growing because I don't want to be that way anymore. In relationship I know it is better for both parties to communicate openly. And so, I find myself lately noting the resistance between wanting to change the way I react and engage towards something healthier. The resistant feeling reminds me I am capable of change, I can turn away from my instincts and build new ones. Resistance can highlight choice.

[welcometomybrain818]

Finding Purpose Outside Relationship

It's interesting, these days, navigating a new relationship while also navigating my own evolution. Of course, the two are tied. Relationship encourages growth and healing (if the right person is involved). It's difficult for me because I want so much for myself. I want, on an independent level, to accomplish all of these things. To be proud of myself and ambitious. And on the other hand, I see the immense value of relationship. The only downside is that it takes away or transforms some of that ambition. This isn't a bad thing, but it's an adjustment. The person I'm seeing inspires me. He certainly takes on far too much at pretty much any juncture of time. Whereas I have a slower, steadier pace to my life. In both ways, we're imbalanced. In both ways, we are in one another's orbit to emphasize the opposite. He works so hard. He's extremely ambitious and watching him accomplish his goals means I am both emphatically happy for him and a certain level of envious that he has the drive I struggle to access.

I consider the fact that I'm with him as a positive omen. A presence and an energy to better inhabit self-worth. He's extremely encouraging. So supportive. He sees so much in me. And yet, I still find myself prone to stagnancy. It's a cycle I'm working myself out of. I think he's there to help me along the way.

But what bothers me is that I don't want to have a conventional kind of job. I don't want success and accomplishment to be reflective of how much time I invested. I want it to flow more naturally than that. I want it to feel like the time I invested wasn't a waste or cumbersome. It enhanced me in the process. Not only did I create or support in same way, but I was also created and supported. I don't want a job that is merely focused on output. I want a job that focuses on output and input. That gives back to me. And not just monetarily. Does that exist in this world? How can I make it exist?

That's where the real frustration lies. Knowing my purpose but not knowing how to apply it to the world. I realize this is also a process, and I've always been this type of way. Unconventional and necessarily going against the grain. Take dating and intimacy for example. My perception was always radically different from that of my peers. And I consistently had to remind myself that this fact was okay. That I would still find the right people for me. That I could be patient. And I suppose the same thing applies here. My peers talk about their jobs day in and day out. They go out drinking to cope. They complain about xyz meeting incessantly. And I get it. I understand it because I too have a job that is more conventional than it is alternative. And luckily or unluckily for me at this juncture in time the responsibilities are limited and my time is freed up. Regardless of how much I wish I had something to do, I'm being given this space for a reason. The gratitude of a paycheck to explore my own psyche. My own muse.

I don't want to have to drink to bear the heaviness of mundane life (I don't drink anyways). I want to love what I do. And I don't care that people tell me it's not realistic. I don't. Because I don't have a choice. I can't continue on in the same trajectory because it doesn't feel right. I know what feels right. And it doesn't make any logical sense, but it's intuitively, deeply, lovingly true. And while the reminder of my partner's success and drive sometimes makes me feel as though I am inadequate, it's also the driving force to changing me. To encouraging my evolution.

[welcometomybrain818]

I read his birth chart

It just sort of happened. We were at a friendsgiving and a friend started asking people what their sun signs were. It's not something I initially bring up with near-strangers because I know so many people can be closed off to astrology. Of course, that's their problem, not mine. But sometimes I like to let the curiosity of their placements simmer as I get to know them. It's a fun game of sorts.

This particular man. I hadn't spoken to him much. I was curious about him though, which was largely why I had decided to attend the event in the first place. To learn more about him. He answered with "I'm a fish". Pisces. He seemed like a pisces. Something about his eyes. A sweetness that isn't always present in a man.

I'm not sure how it came about, but he ended up looking up his birth chart and, because I know the most about the topic, my friend let me take the lead. This man indulged the situation and we had a discussion about his placements. The thing is though, that on the spot it was harder to decipher his personality. I was nervous and would've rather had an hour or two to really dissect what I was looking at without curious stares from all around the room. Primarily, I was concerned I would say things that were irrelevant to him and how embarrassing that would be. I also didn't know much about his placements, so I felt like I was initially at a sort of disadvantage. Still, he resonated with various things.

I knew he was skeptical about the whole thing, and maybe he still is, as he mentioned something about the generality of astrology. Still, I asked him a question about whether or not he had feet issues given Pisces rules the feet. His eyes lit up and he explained he'd had foot issues his entire life.

Sure, maybe I didn't sway him much. But it was an interesting experience- particularly the feet part.

[welcometomybrain818]

Sensitive Dater

I have a friend who recently got rejected by a boy. We're both very sensitive people, and that makes dating really challenging. The idea that we can't get attached to a new person? That we can't scour the depths of their psyche and expect them to want us? Horrific.

Dating really challenges us. To be in the moment. To appreciate encounters for their impermanence. To be willing to face the deep and heavy emotions that will come no matter the experience after it ends. It's the ending really that I think is hard. We spend so much time building both ourselves and the other person up. We're patient and we try to see potential. And when rejection happens, it hits harder because we invested. Because that's all we know how to do.

We feel deeply and we don't take connection for granted. It's certainly easier to feel okay after a less than stellar date, but after a small glimpse into something promising? I also have a very detailed memory, which, for better or for worse makes it harder to let go of people even if I knew they weren't right for me.

Because I can remember how it felt when we kissed even if it was just a few times. And how they smelled. What their eyes looked like. How they made me feel. And yeah, the "how they made me feel" part could in some ways just be projection of what I need from myself, but the what-ifs still linger. And you wonder why someone wrote you off. And if it was because you were too sensitive. Too intense.

The inclination is always to blame yourself and wonder what you did rather than accepting that sometimes people just don't fit. Or, perhaps it's the other person with the problem. If you are a person who values intimacy involving yourself with people who fear it, well yeah you're destined for failure. Sometimes someone makes you feel a false sense of safety. As though their eyes on you in a given moment means they've chosen you. I don't stop to think, maybe they've just chosen me for the moment. And maybe that's okay?

[welcometomybrain818]

Running into the same signs

Have you ever noticed how you gravitate towards certain astrological signs? For example, five of my close friends are Aquarius risings. I have many Cancer Sun and Moon friends, and I absolutely love and am drawn towards Aries Sun people.

I received an astrology reading at the beginning of the year and the astrologer told me my chart was heavy on the earth/air elements. I have two generational planets in fire signs and no water. I think having water house stelliums, a moon/venus conjunction, and a sun trine neptune more than makes up for that, but he said that my personal lack of water and fire meant I would draw these signs towards me.

I think when you lack elements in your chart you need others in your life to "push" you into those qualities or to help you see you have them within you already. We are all the whole wheel after all.

So, for me, why so much Aquarius, Cancer, and Aries?

The Aries is obvious to me. I take a pretty calculated, thoughtful approach to most decisions. I am VERY stuck in my ways/stubborn. Aries people always push me to step out of my comfort zone. To live in the moment. To dare to follow impulses. They're also SO fun. My Aries friends are the friends I run around town with. Who are down to check out whatever place I want to see. Who will encourage me to send the risky text. I went through a phase of dating Aries men as well, and I think it's because I was so drawn to their spontaneity and the way they embraced the fleeting moments. I do think, in my experience their fleeting nature can be a flaw because they do lose interest quickly, but I also dated an Aries man who was so deeply infatuated with me after we spent very little time together. He was artistic and romantic. That ultimately led to an intensity and urgency, encapsulated by love bombing, a poem, and claims that I had "opened up a part of him he thought he'd lost" (we went on two dates) . Still, I understand the charm. I am thankful to Aries for showing me I can take risks, I can harness my own spontaneity, their fierceness, how supportive they are, and how to have fun and live in the moment.

The Cancers in my life are my sweet, sensitive people. Even if they're not overtly sensitive, there is something about them that feels like home. They truly do have a nurturing presence. They are so supportive and understanding. I see so much of myself in them because we are both loyal and we give too much. I think Cancers encourage my emotional expression and passion in a way no other sign really does. My Cancer moon friends are like soulmates to me. We understand each other on such a deep, intimate level. I am so grateful to them for their openness, kindness, and the mutual respect I cultivate with them due to our tendencies to people please and get taken advantage of.

My Aquarius Risings, they are all so different and so unique. They all care deeply and embody so much independence. They are not judgmental and very creative. With my air rising, we always have really interesting conversations. We don't hold much back and it's nice to have friends with an upfront airy quality that is different from mine. They are generally more blunt than I am. I tend towards a gentler communicative approach, but sometimes blunt is what's needed. You can't always make headway when you keep things softer than they should be. Aquarius Risings support me in boundary creation and in prioritizing myself. They encourage my creativity and artistic pursuits regardless of how silly or rudimentary they might be. They also challenge my preconceived notions and push me to embrace individual expression/weirdness.

Have you noticed you're also drawn/end up close to certain signs and placements?

[welcometomybrain818]

Sensual Girl

He had gone out of his way to text her about their experience together. Going so far as to say he was thinking about it and how sensual it was. He said he admired her forwardness. She initially sort of scoffed. She knew it was true, but her forwardness was such a new behavior that it felt almost like a different person had taken charge. And she knew it was her and a version of herself she was trying very actively to embody, but still it was weird.

But she thought about it more and more. And she looked up the definition of sensual to really understand what it might mean to her. She was always humble, trying not to live with the mindset that she was somehow so different or special from everyone else. But she kept having experiences that would lead her to believe the contrary.

She gleaned, it seemed, that in casual romantic contexts, it was often physical as opposed to sensual. She didn't really understand this because sensuality was in her makeup. She had always been a tactile, sensory, all-absorbing kind of person. Welcoming the intensity of feeling in all forms. She forgot that was rare because that was simply how she was.

And it's how she wanted to be. Tender, sweet, gentle. It almost felt revolutionary to reject the notion of pure physicality. Her attitude was- if she simply wanted sexual gratification, she could find that on her own. For she was a sensual person after all, and she knew how her body worked. So, for her, interacting with another wasn't merely for that. That perhaps sweetened the deal, but it was really about the intimacy.

You know how important it is for a baby and mother to have skin-to-skin contact? That's what she wanted with her partners. She wanted to feel connected to them even if just for a fleeting moment. Because she would rather have had the intimacy and the subsequent come down than something apathetic and removed from emotional reality. That was never her style. She tried it, and it sucked. So she was trying to be true to herself, and in doing that, she realized she perhaps had offered someone a healing experience. She didn't know she was doing it, but by infusing sensuality into their time together, he was also experiencing an intimacy-based pleasure that is often lacking from interaction between veritable strangers. And in realizing that, she found a gentle, healing power she didn't know was available to her.

[welcometomybrain818]

Heavy

She said she was mad because she didn't want her to tell me. Why? As if I didn't already know? As if I hadn't been the first person within the nuclear family to be involved? I'm hurt now.

It's not her fault really. When you're mentally ill, or manic even, it's not as though you're thinking actively about the consequences for others. But you'd think after all these years she might have some perspective.

That perhaps it was quite painful for me when her housemate's mother messaged me on Facebook to tell me my sister was in the hospital for cutting herself and taking pills (neither of which actually happened, by the way). Still, I thought it had. I thought my sister was in serious trouble. Even without those actions I knew she was. Because she wouldn't have taken herself to the psych ward had she not been. But still. I spent almost an entire day unsure of how she was and whether or not she was okay. And that was terrifying. It's painful to have that be dismissed.

It's also bizarre to make any sorts of comparisons. As though, because she went to the hospital, my own mental illnesses weren't as extreme or serious? Why can't we all just be collectively suffering? Why can't it be concerning for the both of us?

Is it because, for some reason I'm the oldest and therefore the most equipped to handle pain? Feels a bit unfair, if you ask me. That because I'd been depressed before I could hand it again? Again, feels a bit unfair given mental wellness can fluctuate. Just because I don't have a tattoo commemorating the many days I didn't want to live doesn't mean my struggles were any less real.

It's the individuation that is painful. Because she knows we were in it together. Sure, we were separated and experiencing different things at different times, but the same sorts of things happened to the both of us. Our parents, our friends rejecting us, we've seen a lot of parallels. And yet, for some reason she can't or won't see that in me. Won't acknowledge how hard it was for me too. That's what makes me sad.

[welcometomybrain818]

How I Know I'm Changing

I think, for awhile I wanted to meet someone and escape into his life. I knew that was an unhealthy solution. But I love escaping into other people's worlds. It's so fun to see how others live and to get a taste of it. To forget who I am for a little bit. And I still love the idea of being let into someone else's world. Of being shown a window into other possibilities, ways of being, and ways of knowing.

But I'm starting to find other ways to escape that don't require me to abandon the life I'm building on my own. And, in fact, I don't think I want that anymore. I think I'm evolving. Which is honestly wild to observe internally.

I always want to grow, but its really interesting watching myself repel things I would've otherwise tried to latch on to. With men, being liked by them was the goal mostly. It didn't really matter much if we were compatible or if I liked them all that much. Sure I liked them some, but the validation that I was someone worth desiring, dating, knowing etc. was probably the main focus.

Now, as I do the inner work to actually like myself, and I watch that relationship blossom, it matters less to me what men think or how I'm perceived. Sure, I'm easily hurt and ghosting is painful, and being liked feels good, but it doesn't feel good enough for me to want to abandon what I really want anymore. I can acknowledge what felt good and still know whether or not something is for me. Or, at least I'm learning. And I don't think I would realize any of this had I not put myself out there to meet new people. But the general consensus seems to be positive and it becomes more and more apparent that I'm the one who is holding myself back.

I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone. It's refreshing. I'm not desperate. I trust that things will work out. And I even want to be alone sometimes. I value my solitude. And my grounding. As my awareness about my needs expand, I'm starting to notice that sometimes a boy is just a distraction. For better or for worse. I really do think I'm getting to a point where my peace is actually precious to me. There will always be options and I am an attractive option. That's clearer now, to me than it ever has been before. I think that means maybe I love myself more? More than ever before? It makes me feel a sense of awe and wonder to watch my self-concept evolve so beautifully.

[welcometomybrain818]

Day in the Life

The feeling is anxious agitation maybe. Being pulled out of the comfort zone. Getting what you wanted, what you asked for, not anticipating that it could make you feel unsettled. That's where I'm at. I feel overwhelmed. Like there are too many moving pieces when I'm just trying to sit still. They are disrupting the balance I want, even though I instigated their movement. Like I want to freeze time before it all comes to me. I want all of the change and all of the growth, but there is resistance. Because of past experiences. Because of the unknown. It's strange to feel both fear and elation about the unknown. About possibility. I wish there was a word for that beyond conflicted or turmoil. I have to show up for myself in new ways. I feel challenged by the prospect of going against my default.

Generally speaking, there is an impulse to shrink. Because if I shrink, at least fewer people will see me. I can have my fantasy and I don't have to reveal too much. But it's silly, really. Because I want the exact opposite. I want to expand. I want to be the biggest, loudest version of myself possible. In all ways. In all situations. But I'm scared.

I don't know what I'm scared of really. I think the hurt pieces of myself like to bubble up right when I'm reaching the precipice. They try to send alarm bells- they're protective. But I can't be big if I never give myself the chance to approach the world differently. And that's what I need to do.

I try to compartmentalize it all. To say, okay this is the priority now and everything else needs to take a backseat. But that's not really how desires work, do they? Different facets of myself want and need different things. And they flit and fleet across the landscape of my mind. I can't control them that easily. I can't say, no I know we care very deeply about love but for the next three weeks we will be focusing on our career. I can't say that. Because that's not fair. Deep breathe. Taking it moment by moment. I think the doubt is normal. The fear is too. But I can't let either take hold because the experience of stagnancy is far worse than any discomfort and regret.

[welcometomybrain818]

Find Me 2

Find me feeling free. Like a planet orbiting whatever feels good in the moment. Like a star that shoots and shines. Out in my own little world. Maybe you are invited too.

[welcometomybrain818]

Find me

Find me submerged in a tree with green leaves. Next to a gentle lover reading me poetry. And a perfect cappuccino on a saucer. With flowers in my hair.

[welcometomybrain818]

You don't have to understand someone to be kind to them.

[welcometomybrain818]

Muddled Mind

You can't rush a cherry blossom

I am blossoming

You stimulate the right brain chemistry

Suddenly you're able to be

The person you wanted

But there's still melancholy

Because of course there is

And there's still doubt

Because of course there is!

And you have good days

But you wake up to the same looming anxieties

And its frustrating

Because it feels like you're making progress

And then you wake up

And you're still the same way

And the amygdala still works

And you can't just turn it off

So it's a constant retraining

And that's frustrating