Here's the entirety of the grocery store Rocky Horror fic because I feel like it belongs on this app
(Also @bradassholemajors asked me to post it sooo...)
"Frank, I really don't think this is necessary."
Frank dramatically flicked his hand, lowering his sunglasses to see the face of a very uncomfortable Columbia. "Well, you are the one who was complaining about our choice of food. I'm just trying to stop your incessant whining."
"Meatloaf every single night is a bit excessive, is all! And I meant your outfit."
Frank scoffed. "I'm just trying to look presentable."
"...We're going to a Price Chopper." Janet said softly.
"And you're wearing 9 in heels, a corset, enough jewlery to put a Victorian child into a coma, and fishnets." Brad said flatly, pulling out his wallet.
"So? At least I look good. You look like you work at the price chopper." Frank retorted.
“We’re here.” Riffraff sighed, pulling the car over. “Please, just get out.”
“Thank you.” Frank smiled. “Remember, I expect the whole castle to be clean and dinner to be made when we get back.”
“You’ve told us enough times.” Magenta sighed, helping Frank out.
“Clearly not- not if you’re still complaining.” Frank rolled his eyes, stepping out of the car and dragging Brad with him.
“...Rocky and I are going to go look for some uh- bottled water! Yeah.” Brad announced, promptly sprinting off with Rocky on his heels, casting an apologetic look at Janet.
“I’m gonna go with him!” Columbia added, sprinting after the two of them.
“I guess it’s just you and me, Weiss.” Frank smirked, putting a hand around Janet’s waist. His hand was promptly swatted off.
“Unfortunately.” Janet muttered, walking inside. She pretended to look at a front display of something she didn’t want, nor did she need.
“Oh, lighten up. Brad told me you love shopping.” Frank hummed, walking into an aisle. “Ooh, this looks good! It looks like that sports drink Brad gave to Rocky… gatorade, or something?” He asked, picking up a bottle with neon blue liquid.
“...Frank, that’s windex.” Janet replied, mortified.
“Windex… I’ve never heard of it.” He shrugged, tossing it in the cart.
“Frank, you- you’ll get poisoned if you drink that.”
“Ohhh! Relax, dear, human alcohol doesn’t affect me.”
“No-” Janet sighed, putting the Windex back. “It’s a cleaning product, Frank. For windows and stuff.”
“Oh.” Frank shrugged, putting it back in the cart. “Well, that’s a gift for Magenta, then.”
“Isn’t it rude to give her-”
“Nonsense. She needs it.” Frank sighed. “Oh, Rocky would get it. I don’t know why he likes you of all people.”
“I don’t know why Brad likes you of all people.”
“And why is that? Everyone likes me!” Frank replied over his shoulder, looking at nail polish.
“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.” Janet spat. “I’m gonna go find my fiance.”
“You still have one of those?” Frank crossed his arms.
“Just help me find Brad!” Janet snapped, marching off.
“The sign says bottled water is the other way!” Frank called after her.
“I’LL WORK MY WAY AROUND TO IT!” Janet shouted back.
Frank shrugged and walked towards the water. He regretted it instantly when he saw Rocky on the floor, flailing his arms and having a tantrum like a literal toddler.
“...He wanted a chocolate bar.” Columbia explained.
“No way. He knows he isn't allowed.” Frank snapped quickly. He seemed to instantly regret his words when Rocky screamed louder and threw a chocolate bar at him. “...Oh, my.”
“What do we do?!” Columbia asked, panicked.
“Uh- Brad will handle it!” Frank announced, pushing Brad forward.
“BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS!”
“Just let him have the damn chocolate bar!”
“No! He's only allowed to eat-”
“DUCK!” Columbia shrieked as another chocolate bar flew at them.
“Please, Frank, just let him have it!” Brad begged.
“...Fine! Fine, he can have one! Just make him stop!”
“I heard yelling!” Janet ran into the aisle.
Columbia crossed her arms. “Well, no shit.”
“Here, Rocky, you can have it.” Brad timidly offered Rocky a chocolate bar, as if he was afraid of him. Rocky instantly stopped yelling and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
The relief was short-lived as Frank took it back. “...But we have to pay for it first.”
Rocky instantly started screaming again. Columbia covered her ears. “SHIT!”
“GODDAMMIT FRANK, YOU COULDN'T HAVE LET HIM HOLD IT?!” Brad yelled, taking it back and returning it to Rocky.
“But he can't eat it yet!”
“It's okay, Rocky…” Janet said softly, kneeling down to him. “You can hold it.”
“You all sicken me.” Frank scoffed. “I'm finding some actual food for him.”
“I'll go too. To make sure he actually buys food.” Brad announced, walking off behind Frank.
“He almost drank Windex.” Janet explained softly.
“...Sometimes I wonder what I see in him.” Columbia confessed, picking up one of the chocolates from the floor and putting it back on the shelf.
“Sometimes I wonder what Brad sees in him.”
Columbia gasped. “You mean-”
Janet sighed, clutching the sleeve of her dress like it could protect her. “I have a feeling.”
“It's not just him.” Columbia reassured her. “He's a good guy… Frank just does that sort of thing to people.”
“I still feel ashamed he did it to me…”
Columbia smirked, glancing between Janet and Rocky. “He's not the only one.”
“I- I was in the moment! I was stressed, and he- oh… oh, I'm terrible, aren't I?” Janet looked down shamefully.
“Not in this castle, you aren't.” Columbia rested a gentle hand on Janet’s shoulder, and they shared a smile for a few moments before Columbia suddenly broke off. “Come on, let's get the boys. I don't think Magenta will appreciate trying to cook with whatever Frank assumes is food.”
“We could just go out to eat.” Janet agreed.
“Wait.” Janet stopped her to grab a bottle of wine. She hesitated and grabbed two.
“Two? Damn, Weiss, you have no shame.”
“Shut up. Something tells me we're gonna need them.” Janet snapped, handing Columbia a bottle and helping Rocky off the ground. They were about to head out of the aisle when a security guard approached them.
“Is one of you… er… Columbia? Am I reading that right?” He asked.
“Yes.” Columbia stepped forward.
“Your friend is outside. And… Janet, I presume? So is your fiance.” He said promptly. As he walked away, Janet heard him mumble “Fucking weirdos”.
“I wonder what they did to get kicked out?” Janet asked worriedly.
“Knowing Frank? I'm surprised it took him this long to get kicked out. But Brad?” Columbia scoffed.
The two walked cautiously to the front with Rocky in tow, and found Frank standing there angrily, ranting to Brad.
“And I didn’t even do anything wrong! It's their fault for making the robot so stupid.” Frank scoffed.
“Exactly! Plus, if they didn't want it to be punchable-”
“What did you do?” Janet asked angrily.
“Um… listen, Janet-” Brad started.
“He punched the storekeeper robot thing.” Frank smirked.
“HE WHAT?!” Janet shrieked. Columbia just sighed and opened the wine- which they had not paid for- and took a long drink of it.
“It wouldn't move so Frank could get the bread!” Brad protested. “And it kept beeping.”
“I already called Magenta from the phone in the store.” Frank sighed. “She is on her way.”
“CORRECTION, SHE'S ALREADY HERE!” Magenta yelled from the car, driving up to the curb. “Get in, before we get in more trouble.”
Everyone nodded and promptly got in the car, not even buckling in before Magenta sped off.
Brad gasped when he saw what Columbia was holding. “Did you pay for that wine?!”
“Nope.” Columbia smirked, offering some to Janet. Janet wordlessly took it and downed half the bottle, while Columbia turned to Magenta. “Can you take us to McDonald’s, please?”
“Rocky can eat it.” Columbia snapped back.
Magenta sighed. “You owe me,” she scoffed as she turned the car around.
“Thank you.” Columbia smiled back.
“Rocky, no, the toy isn't food.” Frank scolded, taking the small Hello Kitty toy away from him.
“Why do they put those in the boxes?” Magenta asked, taking a sip of her coffee. “Also, this coffee is shit.”
“That's kinda the point of the place.” Brad sighed. “Rocky, no, don't eat the- you eat the chicken nuggets! These things!”
“I'll take them if he doesn't want them.” Columbia smirked, eating her own and taking a sip of her Dr. Pepper.
“Eat your own food.” Frank replied, hesitantly taking a bite of his hot fudge sundae.
“Says the one who's barely eaten anything.”
“I'm surprised they let us bring the alcohol in here.” Janet added.
“I worked here when I was sixteen. They don't pay you enough to care.” Columbia explained.
“Thanks for paying for all this, Brad.” Janet smiled.
“Wait, I paid for this? I thought Columbia did!” Brad sat up.
“I did! With your credit card.” Columbia laughed, passing the card back. “You can have this back- I doubt it'll be very useful after this, though.”
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