Really? They want that interview now? Come on, man, I was gonna do that for the employee valuation the next weekend! Oh really, three weeks I've been saying that, gee, like I've even HAD a weekend to sit down and look at the time. We just got back from another round of embarassing ourselves, can't I at least wash the clown make-up off first? No, whatever, f*%k it, I'll do it now. If I step in that shower, I ain't coming out for nothing. Hayato can file the report on how we dealt with Mr.Potluck and Shamaid when he's done picking sesame seeds outta his pants. This ain't gonna be for the public, right? Cause, y'know. Hmm, strictly for V.A.P.O.R intel only, got it. Ask away.
Marco Craine. 22 years old. Human turned vampire. Field name is Vulturine. Born in Garden District, New Orleans, was living in Toulonville, currently stationed out in Manhattan. I'm, uh, employed as a "specialized emergency responder", which is barely-respectable legalese for what everyone calls a registered superhero. I mean you guys read my file, right? If this isn't a public thing, what is this for? ... Whaddya mean, the "vampire thing"? Oh, you wanna pick at that, huh? Yeah, I know how this goes, I'm guessing half of you get to think vampires are not real even though you're looking at one. Oh I WISH that was true, believe me. You think I want people to know? You think this is fun for me? It's my life, jackass, I don't get to not-believe my way out of it.
...Okay so you wanna ask me about how vampire stuff works? Man I'm, look, sorry I snapped at you guys, under a lot of stress lately, but I'm not sure I can really help. Yeah, I don't know if my transfusion power is like a, me power, like the others have, or if it's a vampire power, not like I've been able to ask on the latter. I mean, not everyone's powers work the same, but any more particulars on how powers work than that, you're gonna have to go ask Kris, or Doc. Maybe I don't even have my own powers, or maybe I just got stuck with a gross ironic one that makes me suck at being a vampire.
I can't really go to the doctor to figure that stuff out, cause I risk ratting myself out. I have a pulse, but Kris ran some tests on me and apparently I got a bunch of organs missing, and she's not sure if it's a vampire thing or it it's just something my power did to the rest of my body. I mean, I'm pretty sure something like that happened to Noma. She's strong as hell, but I don't think she even has any organs left. I don't sleep on a coffin for the fun of it. I don't have a spleen and my liver doesn't heal properly, and if I don't sleep standing upright, I get really bad acid reflux. Plus, I see in the dark, and if I don't sleep in an enclosed space, I wake up pretty much as soon as the sun comes out. Also, I have bits of my intestines missing, but I'm pretty sure that's Talon Tori's fault. I guess my old folks were paying extra, cause she got, too close, that time. No, I'm not answering that. I go to the bathroom just fine, you dicks.
Yeah the fangs are mostly a defensive thing, like some animal scare tactic. The "drinking" is done through the fingers, see how they open up? But no I don't drink blood. And when I have to "borrow" blood occasionally for my power to work, I feel every drop that's not mine, and it all comes out soon as I can get it out. I guess that's what some of those organs I got missing were for. I mean, for one it tastes fucking gross. Two, I don't kill. Three, I don't even wanna RISK what would happen to me if I did drink it. Cause you know how I "turned", right? When my folks killed me, it kicked in. I had to have been born with latent vampirism, cause I don't remember ever getting bitten. Now, I can't confirm what I'm gonna say cause, and don't you ever tell Jeremy about this, but most of what I think I know about myself comes from the movies. But a lot of what goes on in the movies goes on with me for real, so I take it as enough accuracy to work with. But vampires, when they drink blood, they live forever by always regressing to the age they were when they got turned. Creepy old rich guy becomes creepy 20-something rich guy kind of deal, right? So, I got turned when I was a kid. I'm 22 now. So, going by that logic, there's like a 50/50 chance that if I drank blood, if it worked the way it's supposed to on vampires, that I'd just regress into a 10 year old again. And that is my actual worst nightmare. That's why I barely use my power. I don't even wanna risk any of that blood slipping in by accident. Maybe when I find my piece of shit parents I can ask them in private, assuming they don't kill me first. But yeah, nuh uh, no blood for me. Never had, never gonna have it.
Yeah, sorry, this isn't gonna work out man, my bad. Wait, actually I was meaning to ask, don't you V.A.P.O.R guys have intel on vampires? Cause you guys have intel on everybody for who knows how long. Again, I don't know any other vampires, I'm guessing the only ones I could ask are too busy hiding out somewhere trying to kill me. You guys are government spooks, don't you deal with MIB stuff? None of the other clowns you hired before me ever fought vampires? . . . Wow, great. It really is just a me problem. Joy.






