eulogy for the people i left @westshane - Tumblr Blog

theres this new person. younger, way younger. but the most emotionally mature yet.

we're both damaged, and aware of it.

we always end up talking for hours.

we started as friends, colleagues, innocent.

but whatever happened, happened.

i think im in love with this person. for the first time in forever.

doesnt matter if it doesnt go anywhere, because from history, i know everyone leaves, but even if this one did, it would have been something beautiful that happened.

everytime im depressed and want to off myself, im on tumblr again. and never fail to realize im just that suicidal 17 year-old kid, even at 33.

the only difference is changing from cutting myself to abusing substances to ease the pain.

It's my 17 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#17 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

how am i so fucking depressed? i thought that was a teenage rage thingy. im still the same depressed kid i was 18 years ago lol.

#delete later

i’m reaching 30

and finally starting to see the blind spots,

how terribly i treated my loved ones and took everything and everyone for granted. never listened to anyone’s advice.

how much i underestimated myself, was never once felt proud of what i’ve done and accomplished. everything for me was a task, one moving on to the next, without ever reflecting.

growing up and growing old must mean you get the taste of regrets. you start to regret life decisions, relationships, words you’ve said and never did. those eat you up nights and days.

i don’t wanna die with regrets rotting inside. i must live my life carefully, starting today.

sau cùng thì đã nhận ra một chút xíu về các mối quan hệ: một con người sẽ không bao giờ thay đổi vì người khác, trừ khi họ thực sự gặp bất lợi gây ảnh hưởng trực tiếp đến lợi ích cá nhân nếu họ không thay đổi. nên một là bản thân mình chấp nhận bản chất của đối phương và ráng chịu, hai là xách đít bỏ đi đỡ tốn thời gian, còn không thì đừng vò đầu bứt tai hỏi tại sao chi. nhận ra điều này làm cuộc đời của mình vui hơn đôi chút và bớt bận tâm hỏi “tại sao”, thở dài “ước gì”, “phải chi” hơn. hihu.

được thì được, không được thì thui.

westshane

this kid i’m dating

doesn’t want to get married

hates his country to the core and will leave when he gets the chance

makes me feel like i should treat him how i should treat a new friend, which is uncomfortable

makes me feel like he will leave me and marry this sister/friend of his who’s already married when he gets the chance

——-

i feel like a third wheel in my own relationship.

westshane

i’m my own psychic.

jokes on you Nhu, jokes on you.

what’s the point in staying alive?

i just turned the lava lamp on, the one that was given to me 10 plus years ago from a guy who was deeply in love with me and still is to this day.

i wonder what it would be like if everyone from your past still kept in touch. how did feel chatting 30 people at the same time? and it’s weird how i do chat with 30ish people at the same time everyday, it is a whole different thing compared with 10 years ago.

i’m just rambling now. it’s just that nothing feels like it did 10 years ago.

how funny that i thought i had depression in highschool, girl you don’t know what it is yet. now you do.

now you do.

wow rereading my old posts and my my my, i am fucking depressed. it’s not a highschool phase anymore. oh gosh.

p/s: i’m currently depressed. why else would i be on tumblr.

p/s: hey Nhi, is there an afterlife? please say no.

everyone seems to be - either secretly or openly - depressed.

in highschool i thought these feelings of hopelessness are only part of being a teenager, a raging hormones phase. but as i grow older, these feelings don’t seem to fade away with time. life events are mere distractions. the desire to hang myself stays intact.

kate spade just hung herself with a red scarf. classy. what will be my pick? cotton candy chain? cute death!

only if my family didn’t love me so, i could have stopped caring a long long time ago.

p/s: would love to join some kind of cult that will result in mass suicide. i promise i’ll pretend to care.

cejaco

i’m about to tell you a story about a girl unloved.

once upon a time on Valentine’s day, her junior high boyfriend broke up with her so he did not have to give her gifts.

on another Valentine’s day, years later, her adult boyfriend told her he wanted to leave, and how he couldn’t see a future with her, “but, let’s stay together anyway”, he said, as if it was a blessing.

same person, different faces.

#personal

it's weird. adulthood. for more than a year i have not discovered any new music, finished any books, "felt" at any concerts. it's all money and business and money and business in my mind. nothing is my own anymore. i'm starting to lose myself. belittling what's truly important, making big deals with strangers about trivial things. that has been my life recently. not that i hate it. i love what i do but i loathe who i'm turning into. a fucking machine!

#personal