Cw: discussion of suicidal ideation and death
Last year I worked at a suicide prevention crisis line for 10 months (I only quit cause I had to move states), and I experience suicidal ideation as only an intrusive thought these days, but experienced it seriously when my mental health got/gets bad.
Iâm not an expert yet, but I DO know that suicidal ideation is a coping mechanism.
Imagining my family and friendsâ reactions to my death reminded me that I am loved, to whatever degree, and my loss would have an impact on those around me. Imagining these things also made me sad, which was nice to feel in a strange way, because it was difficult to feel anything, and only very strong negative emotions could break through that at the time. Any feeling felt good. Suicidal ideation can also feel validating, vengeful, vindictive, angry, self-destructive, guilty, happy, freeing, or hopeless, and dozens of other things, and all those feelings are valid too.
Therapy has helped me to understand suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism.
When you encounter what feels like insurmountable pain: your house burns down and kills your spouse, youâre dealing with poverty and a traumatic brain injury, youâre being abused, youâve been dealing with expectations you canât meet for years, or even just- everything in your life is going right but your brain has a chemical imbalance that makes being alive painful⊠it can be comforting to think about dying as an end to the pain and conflict. It can make you feel more in control of your life to remember that you can end your life whenever you want. It can also feel righteous to destroy something you hate if the thing you hate is yourself.
Many people use suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism to deal with the pain going on in their everyday lives.
Suicidal ideation is also a symptom of serious mental or physical illness, and talking about it can be a signal to our friends, family, and doctors that we need help. (However, it can also be very stigmatizing, depending on your community).
The obvious con to using suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism is that it can cause you to disengage with your life and future, and if over-relied on, it can eventually lead you to attempt suicide.
Your body, of course, is instinctively programmed to save itself, and a suicidal mind is much further from being a perfect technician than a healthy mind, so you may flail, twitch, leave a clue, inexpertly tie, leave a leak, or have your liver perform an insane feat of detoxification while trying to kill yourself. 98% of suicide attempts donât result in death. Many, many more lead to permanent disability, which can make life so much harder to cope with than it was before.
I talked to many suicide attempt survivors on the crisis line who had horrible medical problems, bills, and destroyed familial trust (had their autonomy taken away by their families for safety) after their attempt. One woman couldnât eat because of a destroyed stomach, another lost her high-paying job and couldnât afford therapy after, and a third lost half her face and most of her mobility in a gunshot wound that went through her skull and bounced around, but didnât quite hit the portion of the pons that controls the heartbeat.
A suicide attempt, or dying by suicide, also isnât a guarantee that others will care for you.
Thereâs a common saying that when you die by suicide, itâs like running into a crowded building with a bomb strapped to your back. Itâs traumatizing, devastating, and often angering, to everyone who knew you, and can lead to chain suicides, as in the case of my friendâs dad and her brother.
There are some cases where suicide is a logical option. Medically assisted suicide can be a game changer, allowing people with terminal illnesses and neurodegenerative disorders to die with dignity and decreased pain, when and how they want.
Most people donât really want to DIE though (with all the excruciating pain, body horror, indignity, and financial/psychological consequence on others which dying entails), they just want to set down the pain.
So what are other safer and more effective coping mechanisms a person can use besides suicidal ideation?
First, See a doctor for medical problems, a good social worker for social/financial problems, and a therapist and psychiatrist for mental illnesses. Often times, youâll need all three because everythingâs intertwined. Utilize a crisis line (988 for USAmericans), youâre never wasting our time if you need to talk about suicide or mental health issues. Many people just call to chat about their suicidal ideation, and arenât necessarily in an emergency. [And I guarantee youâll be a more pleasant person to talk to than that one caller in every county that just yells at us and calls us slurs for 10 minutes straight.]
Second, recruit a network of friends and family to help if you can. Ask them to help you make appointments and to keep to your doctor and therapistâs recommendations. Donât tell a single friend alone about your suicidal ideation, or ever make someone promise not to tell anyone, as that can make them feel like the responsibility for you staying alive is on them- and your friend probably isnât a trained professional. If they know thereâs a second or third person helping you, the pressure is off, and they can be a better support to you.
Third, all the regular stuff a doctor will tell you: get sunlight, make sure you donât have a magnesium or vitamin D deficiency, eat well, exercise in a fun way (I.e. copying the moves from Miku and idol dance videos), or at least go for a 20 minute walk three times a week [Exercise tricks your body into thinking itâs alive again.] Practice mindfulness and meditation, thereâs beginner YouTube videos all over the place, and it weirdly and consistently has really really positive physical effects in scientific studies. Breathing exercises and grounding exercises are your friend. Arrange more times to meet with friends and family that make you feel good. Donât be worried if it feels like youâre going through the motions, faking it until you make it is absolutely a valid strategy here.
Finally, know that no matter who you are or what youâve done: you deserve to live! You deserve to be safe and healthy! I donât care if youâre an abusive pos murderer p*d*phile r*pist who somehow magically knows for a fact that youâll never contribute anything helpful to society, you are still worthy of living and being safe and healthy, just by virtue of being a person. Thatâs the end and the beginning and the whole fucking truth.
The world is changing in different ways every second, it wonât and canât stay like this forever.
Thereâs also not a reason to feel guilty for having suicidal ideation, itâs common, itâs in your mind, and itâs not hurting anybody but you.
Even if there might not be a way to fully get rid of my suicidal ideation, treating it with compassion, asking myself what purpose it serves me, and then finding other ways to fill that need, has helped me decrease my SI a lot. (That, and therapy, medication, time, help from family and friends, and a helluva lot of practicing healthier coping mechanisms)
