Leaf Me Alone

19, Stanford, tired, bpd borderline recovery/personal blog

[namrekeya-deactivated20161028]

me: I don’t like sharing anything about my personal life with strangers.

someone on the bus bumping into me: oh, sorry.

me: it’s okay, I’ve been hurt before. it all started at the onset of 2015 and

[flowury]

i dont trust people that loved highschool

[just-shower-thoughts]

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety it will leave me too

[deepinthesewoods-deactivated201]

Relaxation doodles!

[1312civilisedneurotic-deactivat]

[graceless-goddess-deactivated20]

[flyingpurplepizzaeater]

when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

!!!

It’s so incredibly common to “fall apart” when you’re finally safe. You no longer need to stay so tightly coiled in on yourself, you can finally leave survival mode and process your trauma. You’re not holding yourself up by sheer terror anymore and suddenly the damage that terror has done to you becomes immediate and obvious. 

[kipplekipple]

This is so important. Don’t go back. Things are already getting better, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

[lilbittydragon-deactivated20241]

This is a documented phenomenon with abuse in particular. I’ve had a number of people ask me why they’re falling apart now after they’ve moved into a safer home, or they’re in a less dangerous area, or they’ve left an exploitative job, or they’re in a healthy relationship for the first time. Generally, it’s because they made that positive change. 

When we’re still in the midst of crisis, we’re often too overloaded and physically/emotionally unsafe to really feel or process anything. So for most of us, everything gets pushed down/repressed/dissociated until later, when we’re safe and supported. The threshold of safety at which processing begins to occur varies from person to person. And the mental calculations used to determine “safety” usually happen on an unconscious level. Very few of us have the conscious thought “I’m safe now, so I can process what happened to me.” Instead, the subconscious realizes some level of safety has been achieved, and so it just dumps a load of suppressed stuff. 

Sometimes, it’s contrast to past experiences that makes us realize something was traumatic at all. In such cases, it’s not that we’ve reached a level of safety and can thus begin to process, it’s that we finally have a basis for comparison to know that what went before was unacceptable. 

[rubyetc]

happy fridy

[leggylance]

depression will be CANCELLED tomorrow, july 28, 2017 !!!!!!!!!!

[antiblackness-archive]

thank you for curing us all

[infamously-exhausted]

i hope the rest of july treats you well, august leaves you happy, september fills you with warmth, october gives you closure, november gives you new beginnings, december gives you A love of your life, and 2018 is fruitful and you love and are loved

[bluethundabomb]

[snaacks-deactivated20200913]

which beyonce are you today???

[drunp-archive-deactivated201711]

[tyleroakley]

protect her

[hoodnearthy]

I am about to walk into a new season of my life filled with

abundance. financial security. new career. + benefits + salary increase joy. love. peace. confidence. purpose. spiritual growth. change. new opportunities. traveling. knowledge. reciprocity. creativity. passion.

Claiming it as if it’s already mine.

[plussizedhiiipy]

🙏🏾

[excima]

[fairycosmos]

look. i don’t think my stretch marks are beautiful. i don’t think they’re tiger stripes or natural tattooos. i don’t think my acne is beautiful. i don’t think the bags under my eyes are beautiful. i just think they’re human. and i don’t think i have to be beautiful all of the time in order to be accepted and loved and sucessful. i don’t think every small detail of my outer appearence needs to be translated into prettiness.

[tropiks]