《Vent account》 @whatbecomesofi - Tumblr Blog

Intro:

This is my vent account where I occasionally post art/poetry and or rants abt life.

Im abt 19 with a v lovely wife <3

I experience Major deppresive disorder, generalized anxiety, depersonalization, and derealization/dissociation. 2 are diagnosed officially.

Always looking to learn more and connect with others who experience what I do.

If you find somthing here disturbing or triggering i apologize.

Enjoy your stay!

Update: I've mildly sobered up and I fear alcohol may not be a great idea for my deppresion lol :3

They're happy. They're all having fun. Keep your mouth shut. You won't ruin everyone's good time again. Don't be the one who bursts in and forces your mental issues on people without their consent like you've always fucking done.

Sure they say "were here for you. Your never a burdon" but they just dont want to seem morally bad for turning me down. Why cant people just say no to me? Why cant they tell me to shut my mouth when they dont want to hear me?

Stop being fucking selfish. Shut up the part of you that wants to say somthing. They cant handle you right now. They have their own shit going on and dont need your negativity in their life. Shut. Up. Sleep if you have to. But dont break the bubble. Be a good dog and go lay down. Stop whining. (Directed at myself)

Not enough to kill me. Not enough to get me fully drunk. Just enough to quiet it all. A moment for myself to breathe. To stop the shaking. Is that such a crime?

A little death.

The kind that burns in your throat and stomach.

A pain i can control.

But still keeps me useful to everyone,

#vent post #tw vent #complex ptsd

nopointinname

Dissociative culture is having a weird relationship with mirrors.

mothwing-23

I guess most of all I just miss the person I was supposed to be

nopointinname

Personally I find the distinction between apathy, derealization and depersonalisation rather difficult. They flow into each other seamlessly.

the-fallen-collective

“My memory isnt that bad!”

*proceeds to think back on specific years and realizes entire years are completely blocked out and the more recent years are nothing but blurs and the inability to even recall a single thing from months ago and everything is just black and now feels like there was no life before and it just started now*

thefluxsystem

You know what the worst part of having a dissociative disorder is, for me personally?

The emotional amnesia.

Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.

You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you don’t feel anything.

It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldn’t it feel significant? Shouldn’t you be sad, angry, hurt, something?

And to top it all off, nobody understands. Not even yourself.

Wouldn't it be really fuckin funny if the plot decided to kill me off the day before my birthday?? How tragically ironic would that be?

Not like this. Im so close to getting out of school. I swear to myself i swear to god i swear to fuck im gonna get better when its over. I have to right? Im gonna be more mindful of my words and actions because my head wont feel fuzzy anymore. Ill remember everything im supposed to. The migraines will stop. Im gonna get physically stronger. Im gonna gain back enough weight to cover my bones. Ill pay off my debt. Not like this. I swear to fuck not like this. Please im so fucking close its almost over. Not like this. Im gonna make it out.

#vent

A promise

Though my skeletal form crawls and claws

Along granite and sandpaper floors

My skin stretched across a blank canvas

I claw and crawl and scratch and bite

And shriek and sob with all my might

Till my aching lungs cease to rise

Twords somthing.

A fog.

Thick and uncertain and musty and cruel and full of hope and worms

I claw and crawl and scratch and bite