Hayes

26 || He/They This is my journey to self discovery and my process of how I get there. If this helps at least one person feel like they’re not alone then I’ll be happy.

[whatdoidofromhere]

What am I?

Am I Trans? Am I non-binary? Am I gender-fluid?

I think the answer is yes.

I’m 26 and just now discovery the joy in being more than female.

I feel female but I don’t want my female ‘parts’. I like some things of both sexes but not everything from either of them. I want a female top and a male bottom. I like how I look when packing and dressing in skirts / dresses.

But that’s just me and this is my journey I guess.

[whatdoidofromhere]

I figured out that I might be a transgender agender. What a mouthful lol but I don’t really have a gender. I don’t care or relate to anything including they them pronouns. But I do know that I’m transgender since I want bottom surgery.

I want to confuse y’all as much as I confuse myself. Mwhahah 😂 omg that was cringe pfft

[whatdoidofromhere]

DRUM ROLL PLZ

My name (as of now) is Hayes. I’m a guy who is a little more feminine but also very much trying to be that Viking/forester vibe?? Like muscles but beard and long hair lol we’ll see if this changes again 😂

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 101

We’re discussing having a second child. As I’m the one with the uterus, I have to carry. Now I would love a second baby but I don’t want to subject my body to that, not when I finally am starting to be happy about how my body is being perceived.

However, I haven’t started T yet so maybe this would be the best time to carry. If I don’t now I’m afraid transitioning would be pushed off for years until I’m ready to carry again, if ever.

I know we can adopt but I have reservations about it. Don’t ask me why, it’s something I need to figure out with my therapist.

I’m just confused and scared I guess.

[whatdoidofromhere]

How I view myself on day 1 vs how I view myself now on day 75 of coming out to myself.

I started out as non-binary to probably a male but still kind of leaning into non-binary. Or a very feminine dressing man.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 98 of how I view myself 🥰 I’m loving ittttt

Very much a guy with a side of feminine but only after my body starts to look more masculine.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 98

Omg it’s almost been 100 days since I’ve started this journey. I’m very much going to cry but that’s ok.

Some updates: I told the rest of my parents and siblings. Went ok for the most part. My step dad very much missed the whole point while my mother was very supportive. Ngl I did tell them I was non-binary for now. I’ll let them think about it before I tell them I’m straight up a guy.

I have a doctors appt on Feb 6th to hopefully discuss testosterone. I had to get a referral to a specialized place since my primary care won’t cover it.

Good news though hopefully by May if I can get on T there might be some noticeable differences 😭 which I’m so happy for because it’s my younger brothers wedding and I really don’t want to look like a girl.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I bought actual harnesses now that I can afford them and I love them. I’m not a huge fan of my packer anymore and I think it’s because it’s not a STP. But I do love the size and everything. I’ve also dyed my baby hairs on my cheeks and chin to give a more beard like appearance. Not great but it does fool some people (even if they’re only noticing I’m a ftm they’re referring me as a guy)

Most of my coworkers are pretty chill. They’re starting to call me guy and bro. Though everyone does this fist bump thing or tell me to dab up 😭 my autism is too strong for me to get it just yet but I understand the concept. Just think it’s dumb lol

[whatdoidofromhere]

How I view myself on day 1 vs how I view myself now on day 75 of coming out to myself.

I started out as non-binary to probably a male but still kind of leaning into non-binary. Or a very feminine dressing man.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 75

I officially came out as transgender to my work three days ago, two days ago I got to wear a “male” uniform. I honestly was a little annoyed. I’m happy I got to wear it and I liked that I looked good in a vest suit but I hated how it look on me. Everything is the wrong size because they didn’t have my size. My shirt two sizes too big, vest is three but my pants were just right at least. I thought I looked like a child wearing their daddies clothes during playtime.

I know I have to be nicer to myself. I looked genuinely like a masculine presenting person. I even put makeup on to make a fake beard. Lol I have enough facial hair already that I just used mascara to color it. I’ll be buying more colors so it’s not just black it’ll have brown in it too to look more natural.

My in-laws know and accept me as non-binary. Some of my coworkers are very supportive, some are asking a lot of questions, most are ignoring the change by just not talking to me. Though one did make a joke at my expense since I looked drastically different from the shift before. I did loose a little confidence but it doesn’t matter. I liked how I looked.

I’m getting a masculine hair cut today too so hopefully it’ll look perfect.

Still haven’t told my biological mother and my older brother. Honestly I’m just not ready to loose them yet. I know I should hope that they’ll accept it but my brother is not the most accepting. He’s made rude comments in the past. But oh well that’s for another day.

Lastly I’ll be talking to my doctor on Monday and see if I can start taking T. Cross your fingers that my health exam goes good.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 46

Well the job is going well but honestly day by day I feel a little more fraud. A little more worse about myself. Making myself look prettier as a female when I don’t want to look that way is driving me crazy. I’m just holding on until we get the unisex uniforms. Hopefully it’ll be soon but there’s no promise.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 43

Can you guys believe it’s been 43 days since I found out I’m non-binary? I can’t 🥰 I’ve been holding my ground at work too. When my coworkers accidentally misgender me I correct them in gentle but stern way that I’m non-binary. It’s reassuring that everyone has been willing to correct themselves and be like ok yeah my bad.

I’ve dreaded talking to my parents though. That’ll be an issue for another day I guess.

[whatdoidofromhere]

Day 36

I have a job which requires males and females wear different uniforms, specially a dress for females. I use to love wearing dresses. I still like how the look, just not on me.

I wanted to wear the vest so bad but honestly, I was scared. Scared how my coworkers will judge, scared they wouldn’t have a big enough size since I am plus size, and lastly scared about which bathroom to us.

My job shares the bathrooms with other businesses in the complex so there’s only female and male. What bathroom do I use? I didn’t want to use either and I try my best not to use any unfortunately.

Just everything that happened at Club Q this past week or two I don’t want to cause any wakes. I won’t go to clubs and I don’t want to really shout from the rooftops.

Idk but I know that I’m wearing a dress until the unisex uniforms come out but I won’t stop packing. I’ll be true to myself even if I have to wear gendered uniforms.

[aaliyahbreaux]

I wonder how many gay people are actually transgender & dont know it because people thing being transgender is transitioning when it’s literally just not being cis.

[aaliyahbreaux]

like I had a friend tell me last night “all my life I wanted to be a girl. even to this day, like if someone told me I could transition & look like you or *insert another trans woman idk* I would do it in a heartbeat” and when I was like omg ur transgender he was surprised? like he was like wait just wanting to be a girl makes me transgender even if I dont do anything about it? and like its harder to pinpoint non binary people but if u have a desire be a different gender ur transgender. transitioning is a choice but being transgender is not.

[divinegaeity-deactivated2023101]

“One of the symptoms of being a girl is wanting to be a girl.” Don’t remember where I heard that but the quote is my life.

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

This is one of the posts I can explicitly pinpoint as helping me realize that I might not be cis. The biggest symptom of being trans is wanting to not be your gender. It can also be dysphoria, it can also be euphoria, it can also be presentation, but wanting to be something else is all you really need.

[aceofsquiddles]

#wait so ur telling me#‘i dont want to have a gender’#can mean#‘i dont have a gender??’ I would also like to know… for reasons

[accept-nothing]

Confirmed. How to know you’re agender: You don’t want to be anything else. You look at the options for gender and gender presentation and decide to go back to bed

[aceofsquiddles]

Bold of you to assume I got out of bed

Nah but seriously thanks for the insight

[avon-vila]

So, if I look at gender and say “this is some bullshit and I want no part of it”, I guess that makes me agender?

[saint-batrick]

if that’s how you wanna identify, yeah.

feeling anything mentioned in this post doesn’t mean you have to identify as trans, but feeling anything in this post is literally all that’s necessary to identify as trans if you want to.

fuck gatekeepers forever.

[zim-kinnie]

👏if👏you👏don't👏feel👏cis👏you're👏possibly👏not👏cis👏

[hasenfu]

i mean this is literally what jvn said

[deathcomes4u]

This is one of those things where you can go 25+ years of your life not realising that actually no not everyone secretly wishes they were some mashup of male and female and that you are, in fact, genderfluid as fuck.

[kyraneko]

You can want to be the other gender.

You can want to be another gender.

You can want to divorce all connection to the gender you were born into.

You can want to keep it as an origin point that shapes your journey.

You can want to be more than one gender at once.

You can want to be more than one gender, at different times.

You can want to be no gender.

You can want to be sort of in between genders.

You can want to be both genders.

You can want to be rid of gendered body parts you already have.

You can want to keep gendered body parts while also being another gender.

You can want to be rid of them but not want the side effects of excising them.

You can feel dysphoria at being shaped like/viewed as/treated like a gender you don’t want.

You can feel euphoria at being shaped like/viewed as/treated like a gender you do want.

You can change your mind or adjust your goals or refine your wishes.

You can be stationary and fixed in your identity.

You can be fluid and changing.

You can be extremely gendered in your presentation.

You can be not very gendered in your presentation.

You can be androgynous.

You can be a little of both.

You can be a lot of both.

If gender is a line you can cross, as the words trans (across/on the other side of) and cis (here/on the same side of) indicate, you can cross it in any way you like, including dancing on top of it.

Be happy.

Be you.

[violetwylde]

This is an extremely affirming post.

[silks-stuff]

Bless tumblr for posts like this, because even though I’m older than a lot of people here this stuff still applies, in a way moreso because it’s stuff that I never had the opportunity to process in my actual childhood. So I’m processing it now. And this shit really helps, so thanks.

[boy-gender]

i need all fat people who want top surgery to know you are not too fat for top surgery. a competent surgeon and anesthesiologist team will make things work for you regardless of your size. if one doctor gives you shit about your weight or bmi or outright refuses to operate on you, get a second opinion. go to a second doctor. go to a third doctor. go to a million doctors until you get what you want. the dual combo of fatphobia and transphobia in medicine cannot keep us down. you do not need to be skinny to change your body how you want to change it. you do not need to be skinny for top surgery.

[gallehaut]

This is a list of surgeons who have no body mass index (BMI) limit, or have a BMI limit higher than the average of 30-35. It can be difficu

not super comprehensive and limited to the US, but this is a quick list of surgeons for both top & bottom surgery that either have no BMI limit, high ones, or unknowns. regardless, anyone telling you that you’ve got too high of a bmi to operate on is full of crap. you do and should not need to lose any weight to be able to access gender-affirming care. you deserve better healthcare and providers who respect you & your body

[partywithponies]

I love vague labels that make people go "but that's confusing" or "but that could mean anything" Good. Keep guessing lol

[partywithponies]

"Queer doesn't actually tell me anything" who says I wanted to tell you anything. Who even are you.

[gowonfacts]

real

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

i did not have “born in the wrong body” childhood transgender angst i had “blissfully unaware of the concept of gender until the world lucifer’d me and made me bite that fucking awareness apple and then suddenly everything was Wrong” angst

[witchesversuspatriarchy]

appellomancers are based

[cularube]

[overlyactivepingpongball]

Welcome to the funniest set of memes I’ve ever seen thank you

[my-gender-is]

My gender is what happens when your gym class doesn't have equal numbers of boys and girls, so you learn the dance moves for both and switch between the two.