Trying to flesh out Cullen’s redemption arc a bit. I feel like the game didn’t give it the attention it really needed.
Let me know if it seems like I’m on the right track.
Oh, and roughly translated, da'isha means ‘little man’.
And finally, on mobile, so some things may be wonky (spacing and links mainly).
(Piano Etude I - Rule of Rose)
Enasal was showing Annason some of the key places of Skyhold, and found Cole crouched in the upper courtyard, where some refugees were meandering.
His hands were over his ears, but she couldn’t see his face.
“Cole?” She asked, crouching down, “Are you okay?”
He shook his head, “It’s too loud here. I want to help them, but it’s too loud.”
Enasal looked at the refugees. One of the soldiers was talking to them, no-doubt briefing them before settling them into some rooms.
“The poor dear!” Annason looked near tears, “Is he touched? Oh, poor thing!”
She remembered what he had said about her grandmother and the looks she was given after people began to bow.
“Cole, what do you mean that it’s ‘too loud’?”
“Can you read their minds?”
“I can hear their hurt.” He said, glancing up at Enasal with a bloody nose, “And it is loud.”
Enasal kept the panic from her face at seeing his dripping nose. “Would you like to go somewhere quieter?”
Enasal glanced and Annason, “I’m sorry, I’ll show you the rest later, but…” She gestured to Cole.
“Do not apologize, my friend, I understand.” Annason said, “Perhaps we could meet tomorrow morning for breakfast and finish the tour?”
“I eat at the Bird in the Hand.” She said, “You wake up…really early, so can we say around eight? Could you wait that long?”
Annasson nodded, “I shall have someone give me directions.” Enasal had grown used to Annasons double-goodbye-kisses and mirrored the gesture.
Enasal looked at Cole and sighed. She took his hand as you would a child and led him to her room, where she cleaned his face and gave him some water.
He looked at the glass, turning it to look at it at all angles and spilling it when he turned it upside down. Enasal sighed and went to clean it up, “You’re supposed to drink it, da’isha.”
“I don’t think I have to.”
Enasal refilled the glass with her pump, “Having a drink of water always makes me feel better.”
“Alright.” She said, putting the glass down. “You’ve got water all down your front.” She blotted his shirt with a towel.
“Your hurt is loud, too.” He said.
He shook his head, “Your hurt is loud… but right now it is the only one.”
Enasal nodded, “Do you want to stay here where it’s quiet? I can go look somewhere else for you to stay. Where are you sleeping?”
He blinked, “Wherever I want.”
Enasal skimmed past the statement. “We could go to the battlements - we’ll pass some soldiers here and there, but not to many.”
“I like the sun.” He said vaguely.
As they walked the battlements, Cole wandered in a serpentine motion,seemingly at random as he looked over one side and then the other. Suddenly, he veered from his path and went to a solider, “You did not know he would stay behind to help the rest. You couldn’t have stopped him.” The woman opened her mouth to say something but Cole whispered something into her ear Enasal couldn’t catch. The woman blinked a few times before wandering off, her shoulders considerably less slouched.
Cole looked at Enasal and said, “Works can make hurt get better.”
“I… see.” She hoped he wouldn’t go into her own mind again.
Instead, he looked up and jogged towards one of the buildings.
“Demons everywhere, so many. No, stop, don’t go that way!” He rolled his neck, “He told me to stay, I’ll stay, they can’t get me, I will not falter.” He craned his neck to look up, “Must be controlled, but here - they’re here. Why those mages, why those?”
He opened the door and walked into the room.
Cullen jumped in surprise, “Who - Enasal?”
“Sorry Cullen - do you remember Cole?”
He looked at Cole and shook his head, “Should I?”
“You were young and afraid.” Cole said, “The mages were afraid. They were all afraid. Fear in the air makes poison in the mind.”
“Hey!” Cullen started, but the boy was gone.
Eyes on Me (classical guitar)
Enasal looked around and shook her head, “I just followed, I didn’t know what he was going to do.” She leaned into the doorway, “Your office is really coming together. May I?”
Cole’s words had thrown him off, but he nodded.
There wasn’t a chair yet, so Enasal perched on the desk as Cullen filled the nearby bookcase.
“What was Cole talking about?” She asked.
Enasal heaved a sigh, “The boy who warned us in Haven.”
Cullen’s brow creased in thought, “I… believe I do remember something like that.”
“He was just in here.” She said, “He said that you were young and afraid and the mages were afraid.” She hesitated, “And something about ‘why those mages’?”
Cullen had gone pale. He put a final book in the bookcase and leaned on the desk beside Enasal.
“Enasal… how do I even go into this?”
She smiled, “Maybe from the beginning?”
He signed, “I told you I started my templar training at thirteen?“
“When I turned 18 and took my vows, I was assigned to the Ferelden Circle of Magi.” He looked at her from the side, “I truly, truly believed in what I was doing. Protect the mages of the circle and if the worst case scenario happens and a mage is turned into an abomination, you do what must be done to protect the mages inside and the people outside.”
He boosted himself on the desk, leaning his elbows on the knees, “But then there were other duties. Capturing escaped mages, dealing out punishments to mages who didn’t obey orders.” He fussed with his hair, “I tried to stay away from that as much as possible, but when you’re ordered to put a mage in solitary confinement, you do it.”
“It sounds like a prison.” Enasal whispered.
“Depends on who you ask.” He said, “Lady Vivienne loves the circles, but people like your dear teacher hate them.”
Cullen crossed his arms over his chest, “I think they have a place. I’ve seen what magic can do but I’ve also seen how mages have been treated. We need more regulation between the circles and steadfast rules for both parties.”
He stood up again, “Has Varric said anything about what happened at Kirkwall?”
Enasal shifted uncomfortably and looked down, “He said that he knew you and that you… weren’t nice.” She waved her arms, “But I don’t really believe him!”
Cullen looked away, “Enasal, I was not a good templar, or a good person.” He rubbed his neck, “The Kirkwall Circle was awful - mages were prisoners. I’ve seen escaped mages slash their own throats rather than go back to that place.” He lowered his head, “I chased them, I brought them back. I knew how awful it was, but I wanted to follow orders and be a good soldier. Even when I saw the Knight-Commander losing her mind - she ordered tighter and tighter regulations on the mages until it became too much. The templars and mages fought and…”
He trailed off, but Enasal recalled something Varric had once told her, “The Chantry?”
Cullen nodded. “The Chantry. I stood by the Knight-Commander’s side far too long, and I should have said something. But I hated magic, hated what it might do because I was a stupid coward.”
He slouched, “And now… some of the recently arrived mages? They were from the Ferelden Circle. Survivors from when it all went straight to the Void.” He said, “A slew of abominations and demons, it got so bad that they closed the doors and locked all the remaining mages and templars inside - myself included. Mages and templars were being slain left and right until I was the last sane one. I used my templar abilities to erect a barrier and protect myself. I wanted to destroy every trace of magic in that moment, and begged our Knight-Commander to do just that. ‘The Circle is lost’, I remember saying.”
He shook his head, “I don’t know how I can face them.”
Enasal forced a smile and shrugged sheepishly, “Maybe you could. Just say you’re sorry.”
“I could say… ? Enasal, it isn’t that simple! You can’t do some of the things I’ve done and just say “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.’!”
She hopped down from the desk and took his hands into hers, “But it could be a start.”
Cullen shook his head. “I can be kinder to the mages here and now, but now that mages I knew as a templar are here?”
He let go of her hands, and turned away. “I wasn’t the worst - I never raped or beat anyone… but I supported harsh and cruel ideas, and even stood by and watched as things got out of control. The treatment or mages was getting worse by the day. Even after I’d snapped out of it and came into the smallest thought of ‘maybe this is all wrong’?”
He turned back to her and shook his head, “I still stood by and watched it spiral out of control - and I did nothing, not until the very end. Not until hundreds had been lost in Kirkwall.”
He looked down at her, “I’m sorry, Enasal, I should have thought this through more.”
He waved around the room before gesturing to himself and Enasal, “This - us. Enasal, I was not a good templar and I’m not a good person.”
“I just…”. He trailed off before rubbing the back of his neck, “Maybe, it isn’t very wise for us to,” He shook his head, “Spend so much time like this.”
“Cullen,” Enasal said, “Maybe not always, but now, you’re a good person.” She put her hands behind her back, “My grandmother said that there are steps someone should do if they’ve done something really bad - like with what my clan did to me. “
He shook his head and leaned against the desk again, “Have you ever thought that Varric has good reason not to like me?“
Enasal ignored him, “My grandmother said that you have to first apologize to whoever you hurt. That’s the first step.”
Cullen frowned, “What if they don’t forgive you?”
Enasal’s smile was sad, “They might not. They might never forgive you and that’s something you have to accept. But you’ve acknowledged that you did wrong.”
“And I just apologize my way out of a decade of - me?”
She shook her head, “You have to accept whatever they do. If they forgive you, that’s excellent, if they don’t, then they just don’t.”
She smiled, “You’ve actually done it out of order. I’ve seen you about to say things about mages and stop yourself. In Haven, when you gave them permission to fight, you hesitated, but then you did it anyway.” She snapped her fingers, “And when Josephine scolded you for something you said, you apologized and said that you knew.”
She took his hands again, “After you apologize you have to root out those thoughts. You already try not to say them outloud, but now you have to work on your own mind. If you feel yourself thinking about mages in general being bad, you have to correct yourself. Aloud or in your head, you have to remind yourself, ‘No, that’s not true.’. And you do that until the negative thoughts and feelings about mages stop.”
“Do thoughts like that ever stop?”
Enasal shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Then you move forward, making sure that you do right by the people you’ve wronged.” She said, “You don’t forget - you shouldn’t forget. I think translated into Common the phrase would be, ‘sew it on your heart, and keep it with you always’.” She smiled, “It doesn’t mean you can’t move with your life, it just means you can’t forget.”
Cullen shook his head, but there was a hint of a smile on his face, “Enasal, I have heard you say some of the strangest things, I’ve laughed so hard at your jokes. And then you say something that cuts me to the bone.” He smiled weakly, “Quite profound as well.”
Enasal winced, “Did I say something wrong?”
“No.” He squeezed her hands, “You were perfect.” He considered before adding, “If your clan apologized to you - would you accept it?”
Enasal pulled away and lowered her head, “No… I don’t think I could. Saying I could forgive them would be… you say ‘unworthy of me’.”
“If it can be okay that I’m not forgiven,” He said, taking her hands back, “Then it can be okay if you’re not willing to forgive them.”
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