When the laughing stops.

Thoughts from an early 40's Canadian, nerd, standup comic, twice divorced, single father, trying to rebuild his life.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Long Overdue

Well, well, well.

It's been just under 5 years since my last post and here we are.

After a password recovery and mustering up the courage to write again I have finally decided to update this blog.

I guess the theme of this blog has continually been about recovering from my divorce, navigating my comedy career and trying to find some semblance of peace in my life.

Since my last blog post I was in the process of finalizing my separation as well as trying my best to focus on my comedy. I know a LOT has happened since then, between a global pandemic and whatnot. Here's the latest on my and where I'm at.

The separation, while I couldn't discuss it too much during my last post was finalized not long after that. In any separation the main point of contention is two things, money (separation of property) as well as kids (child custody and parental rights).

In terms of the kids, this went off pretty smoothly, I think we were both in agreement about sharing a 50/50 arrangement, as well as having some provisions for vacations, holidays etc. This isn't to say there haven't been boundaries pushed in this matter. I can note a number of times where I would be saddled with almost a month of custody while she went off and sailed the ocean in the Caribbean or the times she tried to travel to Florida with the kids during a global pandemic and strict travel advisories (had to get my lawyers in involved in that one).

The money, that was probably the hardest part of the separation. On the first week where we separated, we had sat down at the kitchen table and discussed an immediate plan for living arrangements, custody and what the next month would be like. I distinctly remember telling her (and that might have been too soon) , that we could make this easy and I would keep the house, and she would keep all ownership and cash holdings of the Dog Blog business we owned. This was the initial offer and it was clear and easy. She refused to accept that I could claim any ownership of that business (despite the fact that I had founded it, I had created the entire structure of it, that regardless of all that, this business was communal owned in terms of family law in the province we resided in when we got married). It took years and over $30K of lawyers on my side to get her to just accept that I keep the house and all equity in it, and she keeps the 6 figures in cash as well as steady income from the business. It then took another year for her to accept that I was not going to give her any additional money (she would claim values of items we were dividing as double, sometimes triple if I wanted them and then half the value if she wanted them). Back and forth for months nitpicking over the value of the tools in my garage, to what plates and furniture cost. In the end, when she FINALLY accepted the division of assets, she had pretty much gutted the house of all furniture, kitchen items, appliances, everything. I had to get all new things like bedroom furniture for myself and the kids, all new kitchen items like plates, forks, knives, pots and pans, etc.. etc..

It took her then more months to just pick up the things out of my house which kept my house in disarray and further added to my stress. I was basically used as a storage unit for over a year. It wasn't until I put my foot down and gave her 30 days to clear out her items or I would be putting it all in a storage unit at her expense. I even went so far as to pack all her things and place them in my garage until she picked it up (as I did not want her in my house going through my space).

I will say my house stayed pretty empty until I could gather the funds to fill it back up again. I was lucky my family helped me, like my brother giving me a set of beds and mattresses for the kids (his kids had long outgrown them). I'll say the first thing I bought when it was all out of the house was a new king size mattress and bed (thankfully my nephew at the time was working sales at a mattress store and he really hooked me up).

All that aside, since then, prior to the pandemic, I welcomed a woman into my life. I didn't mention much about her for obvious reasons, but I was certainly smitten at the time. I had met her not long after the divorce, she was young, pretty and if someone were to ask if I've ever had a mid-life crisis, she would be a part of that. She moved in around November of 2019, sharing the house along with my friend Paul whom I was letting stay in my basement until he got himself back on his feet as well. The house felt full again, and that silence I once felt after the initial separation was no longer present.

The plan for her move in was meant to be temporary, she was to move in, establish her client base as a barber in the city (she had to move back to the city from Kingston) and to eventually be able to get her own apartment.

Then March 2020 happened and well, lockdowns, work stoppages, you know what happened. She lived with me for the entirety of the pandemic and in that time, her mental health and eventually our relationship fell apart. She would fall into deep depressions, soon start to resent my kids, resent my ex and all the little things she would do to sabotage my life, reset my friend Paul who was living in my basement (whom I eventually had to kick out mid-2021 due to his decline in mental health and his inability to respect my house), even attempting suicide. It was 3 years of me tiptoeing around her mental health, supporting her both emotionally and financially, paying for her therapy for months, getting her through her toughest times until I finally gave up and asked her mother to take over and get her into her own apartment back in Kingston. It was after she had moved and after we had tried to do the long distance thing that I finally decided to do what was best for myself, my kids and quite frankly my own mental wellbeing to break it off with her, It didn't end well, and she obviously now sees me as the villain in her story. The straw that broke the camels back that drove me to that decision was when she attempted to contact my ex-wife and meddle in my custody issues (which I had many in terms of trying to get swapped time and vacation time away from the kids). I haven't spoken to her for over a year now and it still pains me that it ended this way. I really had fallen in love with her and have many regrets in that chapter in my life. I did send her an e-mail a year after the breakup (as this is the only form of communication I haven't been blocked from her on), asking if there was any way we could find some sort of closure and never received a response. So that is that I guess.

Now on the the good stuff, comedy. Since my last post where I was obviously on a high in terms of my comedy a LOT had moved forward. After a LOT of hardwork and grind I can now safely say I am on my way to becoming a headlining comedian. I often work at my local home club as a weekend middle and MC (that's a far jump from where I was back in 2019). The catalyst to that came not long after the pandemic and things were opening up and Absolute Comedy held its annual Prove You're A Comic comedy competition. This is one of the hardest competitions to compete in and I'm happy to say I made it all the way to the finals and even finished 3rd place. First place being the previous year's Yuk yuk competition winner and second place being the Yuk yuks winner the year prior to that. Meaning I was bested by already known comics. I was the serious underdog and the margin of win between the top 3 was so close that they had to decide using multiple factors (as there really wasn't a clear winner between us). While this was a huge win for me, it was clear to the club owner who he had favoured (and it was me). Since then he has mentored me and pushed me to keep growing and I am where I am not because of this. I have since quite doing any and all comedy competitions, and even the following year of my 3rd place, I was asked to help run the following year's competition.

Add to that I was given the honour of being the MC for the final week of that competition, of which is the hardest MC gig you can have (for various reasons), and I knocked it out of the park. Impressing many people and leaving no doubts that I had arrived as a full fledged respected comedian.

I have also gotten pretty good at doing comedy on the French Canadian side of things that I constantly get asked to do shows on that side as well (which is a whole other scene and market and it is very unique to be able to fluently do comedy in both languages).

Now one of the sadder things to have happened since my last post was saying goodbye to my dog, friend and the best pup in the world Dasha. I will probably express that pain in another post at a later time, but this was inevitable, and I have grieved for her and now think back that she lived an amazing 15 years on this earth, filled with love and cuddles.

I will leave this post on this. To anyone who followed my blog previously and is now catching up, thank you. I know I have been absent and for years I felt too raw or too emotional to share. I felt blocked and frustrated to eventually no longer wanting to write about this again. I have now over 6 years past my separation and the light at the end of the tunnel that I saw faintly before is not gone and I see nothing but clear skies.

I have had so many ups and downs however I still persist, and maintain my sense of self. I have grown SO much since and life is good.

[whenthelaughingstops]

An update of sorts

iWell, it’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to sit here and write out my feelings on this blog. 

I know many times I’ve been half way through my day and thought, man, I should take the time to write something here and I just didn’t do it. I would get home from a long day of work, put the kids to bed and be so exhausted that the idea of sitting down and writing seemed like the last thing I would want to do.

Then after a while I would think, I have so much to write about, the task of updating this blog takes so much time and effort that I just don’t know where to begin. 

That said, here it is. 

Since my last post, I’ve had a whirlwind of ups and downs. In my ups, I went back to LA and had an even more amazing comedy trip. In my downs I’ve been in the deepest parts of a functional depression.

Let’s start with the positives. Since my last post I mentioned an upcoming trip to LA with my friend Josh. This absolutely happened and it was a blast. Completely different trip from when I did it solo last time, however the highlights were getting backstage at the Jimmy Kimmel show (yeah, Josh happens to know the head writer and we got the complete VIP treatment with backstage access as well as being able to see the show). The trip was also different in that the focus this time was getting Josh acclimated to the comedy scene in LA. Hanging out at the Comedy Store of course (always a fucking blast). Recording podcasts with Josh and being there alongside his guest interviews with Brian Scolero, DJ Demers and Andy Hendrickson. All accomplished comedians and all great interviews.

Finally I did what I had set out to do the last time I was in LA which was actually get picked and perform on the Kill Tony show at the Comedy Store. To give you a background here, this show is an extremely well known live podcast show where you are given one minute to perform on the Main Stage at the Comedy Store. After which you are then interviewed, judged and most likely roasted by the panel of comedians on stage with you. The show I was on was guest panelled by the legendary Dom Irrera. 

What an experience that was, to be sitting there, that Monday night, waiting on the sidelines hoping my name gets called out, to suddenly running on stage and doing my best attempt at a 1 minute set. The key to this (and if you’re a fan of this show) has nothing to do with your set so much as it has to do with the interview after. Something extremely profound happened that night.

After my set Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban and Dom Irerra began their attempt to roast me, some idle back and forth happened and I actually clapped back a solid burn joke to Joelberg Joel Jimenez which earned the respect of the comedians and the audience. 

After a little longer the questions started to get serious (as they do) and the next thing I know, I am telling them, the audience and hundreds of thousands of listeners the story of how I’m a single father, how I’m now separated, then how I caught my ex cheating on me. It was the realest I’ve ever been on stage and it was evident that people responded and knew exactly who I was and how fucking real I was being. A little piece of me felt good that I didn’t have to hide the truth about what happened to me. Here I was being out there, telling the fucking world what happened. That it didn’t define me anymore.

I left that evening on a massive high, and come home to so many comedians (who are all fans of the show) in awe that I actually went up there and did it. That I was on the fucking Kill Tony show. 

I want to reflect a little on that moment cause you have to realize that this is the Main Stage of the Comedy Store. Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, George Carlin, and so many fucking more people have performed and been recorded performing on this stage. It’s the holy grail. Here I am standing on it, mic in hand, making the audience laugh. 

I came back from that trip and get right back to reality. Back to the small my city’s comedy scene, no better than anyone. I had to be humble cause no one wants to be the guy who brags about something like this, but deep down I was proud.

Life then returns to normal, and you get back into the swing of things. The usual daily work life, part time single dad life, part time standup comedian. In between some of that time I started dating, seeing some women, enjoying myself and rediscovering myself.

Months passed and the inevitable date came. The one year anniversary of the day that my life changed. I got drunk that night, performed on stage and had a lovely evening with a lady friend. 

It’s been over a year separated and in that year I think I have completely redefined myself. I’ve gotten used to this life now. I’m a good fucking dad, who is organized, effectively and efficiently is involved with my kids (who are growing into being incredible beings). I am progressing slowly but surely into being a confident comedian.

My love life has been interesting to say the least, I’ve had to learn some lessons on how to date, made plenty of mistakes, made some great connections as well, for now however that is all I’d like to say about that. 

My health has been incredible, I remember starting this blog partially talking about my fitness journey and I’m proud to say I’ve really stuck to it. I’ve been consistently working out at least 3-4 times a week (if not more) for over a year now and the changes in my body have been incredible. I am gaining so much size, muscle definition and confidence. I am most definitely in the best shape I’ve ever been in my life. I am really proud how I’ve actually stuck to it, and made the lifestyle changes to which it’s no longer a chore but rather a much needed part of my life. I also have to say, I’m not the only one to notice. My hard work is observed and appreciated on various fronts.

However I have to end by saying this, there is still a looming part of all this that is still not final. My ex and I still won’t agree to how to separate. We are still at a standstill. Her self-entitlement won’t allow her to see reason right now, and she’s even going so low as to flat out lie on things like evaluating prices for items, to even trying to get me to pay her a sort of rent for not letting her live at the house (that I have pretty much been paying for since she’s left).

A lot of this right now is in the lawyers hands and I’ll let them continue to work it out. She even in this time had the nerve to try and rush this through and put the blame on me for not just accepting her ridiculous initial offer. It’s more gaslighting and more abuse to which I am proud to say I no longer have the patience for, nor does any of it affect me anymore. 

I might later make a separate post on my thoughts about her current state of affairs, however for now I can tell you all that she’s moved on to another person to abuse (while I’m sure right now it’s still probably in the infatuation and love bombing stage). I know nothing of this guy other than what my kids have told me (yeah, she’s already introduced our kids to him). Which is nice cause it takes the focus off of me, and she now has someone else to direct her energy towards. 

In the meantime, I’m still focused on myself, still fixing myself, still growing and for once, (and it’s been while), I feel happy. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

Ups and downs and all around.

I am just now realizing that I’ve been in a depression. It’s been so hard to recognize since I’ve been in this weird auto-pilot mode where I get just the bare minimum done and nothing more. 

Thankfully, I feel now like I’m starting to get out of it. However for probably the last two months (most of the summer) I’ve been putting things off to the side, which I shouldn’t have. 

For example, my house, while tidy (when the kids aren’t messing it up) hasn’t really been cleaned in a while. My bathrooms needed to be scrubbed, laundry was getting done, but not folded, the lawn was getting pretty long, especially in the backyard where the weeds are a veritable forest. My car was badly in need of an oil change. I also have a list of paperwork tasks I haven’t done in a while as well. 

When I say bare minimum, I mean I’m getting to work, the bills are getting paid, the kids are being cared for, properly fed, bathed and clothed. I am booking and performing comedy spots but on old tired material. I haven’t been sleeping well, I haven’t been eating well, I’ve been skipping workout days, I haven’t been cooking for myself, I haven’t been writing like I should. 

That said, I’ve started to realize that I’m falling into this pattern. The last 2 weeks were a really weird ride of ups and downs. First, starting two weeks ago, I got sick. Like massive fever and flu-like symptoms kinda sick. It has to be pretty bad when I have to take time off work, but I left work early on Tuesday and got home to a fever of 102 degrees. I had the kids since my ex had decided she was going on a trip out to NYC for a full week. That Wednesday morning, I woke up to a fever of 104.1 degrees. I somehow bucked up and got the kids fed and at daycare and then went straight to the emergency room.

This was horrible timing since that very night I was competing in the Yuk yuks Annual Mike MacDonald Summer Comedy Competition. This was the prelims and I had a crew of about 30 people coming to support me. 

I waited 3 hours to see a doctor, when then examined me and told me it was definitely something viral (so no antibiotics) and since I was responding to Ibuprofen to continue with that and alternate with Acetaminophen. I eventually drank a ton of water and when it was time I picked up my kids from daycare, I got them home, fed and waited for my nephew and his girlfriend to come over and watch the kids while I went to perform.

Every time I’ve performed in any of the competitions, I always overthink it, get nervous and fuck up on stage. This time, I was too tired and too apathetic. I devised something fun, where I would acknowledge the fact that I was sick and opened my set by telling the crowd I was sick, in the midst of a massive fever and that it would be fun if I gave live temperature readings throughout my set.

I did, and it served as a hilarious break between bits. I would go off on a topic, finish a punchline and then use my ear thermometer to take a measurement. I closed my set by asking the crowd if they wanted to final temperature and they all screamed yes, and then I proceeded to pull a rectal thermometer out of my ass on stage and read it live. The crowd went wild. It was perfect. I ended that night by winning the judge’s vote (I didn’t even need to crowd vote!!) and then I was moving on to the semi-finals the next week.

The next week I performed again alongside much stiffer competition and did very well, I did all the jokes I wanted to perform, I hit all the notes, I didn’t choke, I was confident. I got the nod from the judge and club owner however I did not get past the semi-finals. Other comics just frankly did so much better than me and that is all good. I was proud of my night regardless. 

Those were the highlights of the past two weeks, the downs however, when I got sick I had to leave work and left a bunch of critical tasks pending. This kinda pissed off my boss and it didn’t look good at all. I get it, I don’t make excuses, but I’m at home, fucking sick as hell, I’m not thinking straight, I’m not 100% there and yet I still managed to get some work done, just not at the level that was expected. 

I didn’t tell anyone but I had a persistent fever for probably 2 weeks. Waking up to a fever of 100+ degrees, taking Advil and just trying to get by at work and comedy and whatever.

Lately however I got some shit done that was on the back burner. I finally secured a family doctor, I see her in 2 weeks. I got an STD test done (yeah I figured I was due even though I wasn’t worried, I always use protection, I just wanted to get a checkup on my sexual health as a baseline so if I decide to start dating, I know I’m clean), I changed my oil and fixed a couple nagging things on my daily driver. I got the yard work done (more to do but it’s a start). I got all the laundry done, including all the bedding for myself and the kids cleaned and folded. I got all my meals prepped for the week. 

Most excitingly however is I finally booked my flights for my trip back to LA in October, for both myself and my good comedy friend Josh! I’m still researching AirBnB options at the moment, but at least the flights are booked and Josh and I are super excited. I can’t wait to get back to be honest.

I’m still putting some additional paperwork together for the divorce, it’s been my biggest source of procrastination, but I got a good chunk of it done already now. I should have it in to my lawyers by this coming week.

I also have to call the CRA (Canadian Government Tax Agency) and clear up something in order for me to finally get my refund, I apparently have a chunk of cash coming back to me. I haven’t been pressed to do this since I’ve just been so busy and I don’t owe anything.

Anyhow, I’ve got the kids this week (for the full week since my ex has again decided to go on another vacation), and by next weekend when she gets the kids back, I’m going to make a point of not planning anything for that whole weekend. I will spend my weekend getting shit done around the house, getting work done on my project car, just doing work that keeps me busy and needs to get done with no pressure. I really need a weekend of nothing. Maybe I’ll hop into my car and go to the club and see who’s headlining. Maybe I’ll get some shopping done. Whatever, but I know I’ll just take my time and not feel the pressure to meet with people and have activities planned. 

I think this is the kind of time I need to get my soul right. I’ve been doing too much and not focusing on what I need to get my life together. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

Fear and loathing in lost vagueness.

So my ex is now in Germany and the Czech Republic for 2 weeks. I am single dad for that time which is kinda nice. My former in-laws, god bless them, are also watching the kids for a few nights of those weeks while I perform a couple club shows. 

I didn’t realize this, but knowing she’s on the other side of the planet has made me realize how much I think and worry about the possibility of running into her. It hasn’t happened yet (at least not to my knowledge), but I always have this fear that I will run into her while I’m either out running errands, at a restaurant, or hell maybe even on a date (who knows?).

The possibility is lessened knowing that when I have the kids, I’m usually doing dad stuff either at home or very specific places and vice versa for her. However there are times when the kids would be in daycare, she’s usually out doing whatever she wants during the day (she doesn’t work) and say I take a day off work (which I sometimes get a day off in lieu for having worked an on-call week). 

I’ve thought about this a lot, which is really why I stick to the same places. I’m usually either at the gym, at home, at work or at the comedy clubs (which I hope she wouldn’t dare step into).  I realize I’m pretty predictable. I also realize I have no clue what places she’s usually at. I mean outside of her parent’s place I have no idea what she does or where she goes most of the time. 

When we were together, she was pretty predictable, in the sense that she was at home and never wanted to leave. If we had a night off from the kids, it was usually for some sort of special event or planned outing. Later in the relationship, when the kids started going to daycare full time, I really don’t know what she was up to during the day. I would ask and it would be answered by “Oh nothing, just some shopping and I mostly stayed home”. Now I imagine she spends her days either going to the gym, yoga and aside from that, who the hell knows? What about her evenings without the kids? I’m guessing she’s out there living the time of her life. 

I really don’t know why I focus on this. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty for enjoying the little time I have to myself? Maybe I’m a little resentful that she gets to enjoy her time much more than I do? Maybe I secretly want her to be miserable? Maybe I want her to realize that I have a much greater struggle than she does having to pull a full-time job, part-time dad and part-time comedian?

This fear of running into her while we both happen to be out and doing our own thing bothers me, maybe because I still don’t know how I would react to seeing her happy. Living her life as if she has nothing to worry about. I guess I’m still trying to get over the resentment and anger I still feel towards her. This is something I’m still working on, and it mostly sucks because I have to interact with her pretty often. I don’t have the option of completely disconnecting and cutting her out of my life. I can only hope that this will get better as I move on with my life, but damn does she ever make that difficult. 

In terms of everything else, I’m doing pretty well. I’ve really started getting into this groove of managing my life and my happiness. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been physically. Mentally, I no longer feel like I’m in that fog. I realize now that I’ve been coasting along, waiting for the next bad thing to happen, and being ready to just take it with as much expected indifference as I’ve been taking most everything in my life. However that hasn’t happened. Here I am, I am standing yet moving forward, reluctantly.

I’m not sure I would describe what I’ve been feeling lately as a depression, but more like a numbness. When all this started I had a passion that was driving me. I was going to make changes and through anger, and bitterness I was going to drive myself to change my life and thrive. Now as that anger and bitterness has subsided, I find myself just going back to feeling numb. I still get things done however. I am constantly moving forward. Either through comedy, my love life, my project car, my career, my fitness, I am doing the things I need to do. However I am just wondering what’s the point of it all? 

It comes and goes in waves, I get bursts of inspiration followed by long drawn out nothingness. Monotony. I envy people who can just straight focus on their passions and live in it. Myself, I don’t have that option. I work, I parent, I manage a house, I do all the things in life that, again... I need to do.

Comedy really seems to be my only real creative outlet at the moment, and the more I do it the harder it gets. I kinda miss the naive times when I was just happy to get up and maybe make people laugh. Now I need to make them laugh harder and more often... I need to kill on stage. I need to get so good that people see me as a real comic. I’ve often heard it described as the imposter syndrome, where you always think that you’re never good enough and you somehow tricked them into liking you on stage but really.. it was all tricks. My logic tells me, anything a comic does is all just tricks. However I still can’t believe I’m funny yet. How I see myself performing on stage before a show versus how I actually perform (I often record my sets on audio and review it) is vastly different. I am so critical of myself, every little detail, word, inflection. How is it that joke didn’t land? How is it that joke killed as before and now it fell flat? 

I need to write more, I need to practice more, I need to get more stage time, I need to go back to LA, I need to find a better punchline, I need a new tag, I need a full 15 minutes.. it’s crazy the shit we put ourselves through. 

However I’ll often go to shows, sit quietly and watch, as I see other comics do their thing and I still love it. I root for my friends to do well, I observe and analyze as a seasoned comic gets on stage and kills effortlessly, I laugh when a joke gets me cause I can see the brilliance, the timing, the economy of words, the bait and switch. I’m not sure I love the comedy as much as I also love the camaraderie that comics have. We all get up there and do one of the most soul crushing, riskiest art forms and all comics respect other comics to some degree. Despite all the bitterness and jealousy and in-fighting and drama, all comics do something that most people never dream or dare to do. Which is get up on stage, bare their souls in hopes that you laugh. Sometimes we fail and other times we succeed, but it’s how consistent we do it that makes us a true comic.

I am honestly honoured that I can walk into any comedy club, be among comics and hold my own. To stand amongst my peers and people know me, they respect me and we can all share in that experience of what it’s like to try and be funny. It’s one of the only things that I feel makes be happy and sad at the same time and that is perfectly fine with me.

[whenthelaughingstops]

The Comedy Store

They say never meet your idols. The reason is, they never live up to your expectations of who you think they are, however what if your expectations are rooted in reality? What if idolization is simply a false expectation based on your preconceived ideals of who you think the ideal person is?

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted and this is for good reason. My life has been busy and this is a good thing. 

However to mostly update all of you on my most recent vacation in Los Angeles, I had the most incredible time. It was everything I needed and wanted. I came into my vacation with so many doubts about myself, I left there renewed in my sense of being like nothing I have ever felt before. 

The start of my trip was waking up at 4:00AM to be picked up by a private taxi to the airport. My flight was scheduled to leave at 5:45AM and I wanted to make damn sure I wasn’t going to miss it. I had packed my bags as light as possible, I was only carrying an overnight duffel bag and my laptop messenger bag. This for a 10 night stay. I’m resourceful and figured why pack for 10 days of clothing when I can pack for 5 days and do laundry half way through? 

Anyhow after a short trip to a connecting airport and then the long trip from there to Los Angeles (total 7 hours flight time) I finally arrived at 11:30AM (figuring out the 3 hour time difference). I stepped out of the airport, figured out the pickup zone for Uber and made my way immediately to the Comedy Store. I don’t know why, but this was my ultimate destination and since my AirBNB wouldn’t be ready for check-in until 4:00PM I might as well go to what I consider my central point. 

I got there and it was obviously closed, however I walked up, stepped onto the patio and sat down. I sat there, sitting, observing, soaking it all in. Here I was sitting on hallowed ground, reading the names written on the outside walls, Richard Pryor, Norm MacDonald, Sam Kinison, Jim Carrey, David Letterman and on and on. Some names I didn’t recognize, others unforgettably iconic. This was their start, their hangout, their home. I sat there as tour bus after tour bus would drive up, park for a few minutes, riff off some facts about this place then drive away.  

I can’t express how peaceful and at home I instantly felt sitting there. I knew so much about the history of this place, I had heard all the stories and the legends and the myths. That it was once a nightclub called Ciro’s, a mobster run joint that had all the Hollywood elite at that time frequenting it. How it was later bought by Sammy Shore for a hangout for he and his friends, then later handed over to Mitzi Shore (his wife) as part of a divorce settlement. 

It wasn’t weeks before I showed up that Mitzi had just passed away and you can see echoes of her in that place. The pictures of the walls of her and so many comics, the “Mitzi Only” painted on the parking lot to let people know who’s parking spot that was, to the sign outside saying a fond farewell to her. I won’t go into detail on Mitzi, but she really created a home for misfit comics, and here I was, a misfit comic hoping to settle in.

I eventually left and made my walk over to my AirBNB, with a stop along the way to pickup some food. I eventually checked into my AirBNB, a simple bedroom with a shared bathroom. it was a bed, and that’s about it. Pretty much all I needed as I did not intend to stay too much time in my room. After checking in, unpacking, taking a shower and getting my bearings, I finally get ready and headed out for dinner and finally my first night at the Comedy Store. I arrived and started to introduce myself to every door guy in the place. You see, outside of comics, most people don’t know that this place is run by comics. Door guys in fact have to audition in order to get the job. This is their stepping stone into comedy, many comedians got their start this way and it is very wise to show respect and get to know these guys. It wasn’t long before I was told that there was to be an Open Mic Lottery that night and to sign up you simply had to put your name in a bucket and you got an extra chance if you bought a drink at the patio bar. 

I hung out, met people and mostly chatted with Austin, one of the door guys who took a liking to me. We talked about where I was from, comedy as a whole and I asked him the non-usual questions that get asked, as I was genuinely curious about him. He introduced me to all the door guys working that night and it wasn’t long I was getting access to walk in from the back to sneak into either the Original Room or the Main Room to watch the live shows going on that night. It was incredible, to see such high level comedy being performed all night, amazing act after amazing act. 

Finally it was 11:30pm and all the hopeful comics started to pile up into the Belly Room. The smallest of the rooms there, but no less important. It is the place where the first female standup headlining comedians were given a stage to perform in, it’s where countless comedians got their first break and in fact Dave Chappelle films the second part of his last special on that very stage.

I sat there, waiting for my name to be called up, watching every LA Open Mic comedian step up and attempt to be funny in front of a crowd of wanna-be comics, door guys, show runners, homeless people.. whatever. You could easily tell who came prepared and who were just hacking it. Finally it’s 1:30AM and my name finally gets called up, this is it, my 3 minutes to perform my best material. I was tired, I was nervous and I was about to step in front of a pretty hostile crowd. I ran across my jokes and ended strong. To say I did well would be a lie. In fact I bombed, at least I felt I bombed. I felt horrible, however I remember some strong laughs from the back of the room, and I later found out it was from 3 door guys. Austin, Matt and Steve. 

I was later told that everybody bombs on that stage on that night, and just getting up and doing your time is crucial to being noticed. I left feeling like shit but knowing I was there to learn, I was there to soak it in and feeling this way is part of the process. I walked away that night filled with happiness in fact. I had just performed at the Comedy Store, although in some of the worst circumstances, I was up there. No one can take that from me. I have 10 days to get up and perform and I was going to make the most of it. I made friends with some of the other OpenMicer’s who shared their advice in finding stages to perform on, there’s a website and an app that you can use to plan your day. You can get up and perform probably 4-5 times a day if you’d like and I was going to do just that, OK maybe not that much, but I was going to get my stage time, and then hang out at the Comedy Store, my new home for the next 10 days.

I learned a lot in those 10 days, I felt I went through a comedy boot camp. I have stories that are both so crazy unbelievable and others that are funny. I rubbed shoulders and talked with so many of my favourite comedians, standing there, drinking beer, shooting the shit with faces that look like my NetFlix Comedy Special watched list. I met up with my comedian buddy Steve Simeone and he further introduced me to all the comics (Steve is possibly the nicest guy in comedy, I say that with absolutely no hesitation). I talked with them as if they were my peers, because they are. I respected that they let me talk and approach them, and they respected that I didn’t want a selfie or autograph or try out jokes on them, or ask them for advice. This is home, you don’t need to remind them they are famous, you need to remind them they are home.

The Comedy Store wasn’t the only place I went to when I was in LA, I also went to the Laugh Factory, many open mics and even performed at the Hollywood Improv. However I always seemed to gravitate back to the Store. It’s weird, the other clubs are more formal, setup to give people the ultimate comedy showcase experience. The Comedy Store on the other hand is more informal, there’s the Main Room that hosts all the premium headliners doing their best sets, but there’s also the Original Room where a rotation of comics go up for their 15 minute sets, the lineup is loose, and at any point someone like Bill Burr or David Spade could show up and sneak an unannounced 15 minute spot. Then there’s the Belly Room where some of the wildest shows are happening. Roast Battle, Cadillac Sundays, specialty shows you name it. 

The beauty of the Store is that anything could happen and very often it did. Unexpected people show up, make an appearance, hang out and shoot the shit with the comics then leave. You get the sense that they too felt equally at home.

Given different circumstances I could definitely see myself picking up, moving down there and dedicating my life to comedy. I think about what if I had been into this earlier in my life and I had made the move down there. Then I realize something pretty evident, a younger, less experienced me would not have been equipped for Los Angeles. I would not have done well and probably would not have adjusted as I did when I was there. This is because my experiences, my life, who I am has shaped me into being the kind of person who can be honest, genuine and open in a sea of people posing, hustling, and faking. I did well there because I wasn’t trying, I was just being. That’s the key to comedy. You can’t fake experience, you can’t pretend to be funny, you just are, and that is the result of your life. I learned great humility and left there both humble and hopeful. 

I will followup up with more stories from Los Angeles, but for now, I wanted to just highlight this place. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

The calm before the storm.

I’ve been relatively quiet on my blog as of late, mostly because I’ve been either struggling with getting my life in order, or out there enjoying my life and living in the now.

I’ll admit, I’ve been doing more of the latter and ignoring the first. That said, we are coming to a head right now in terms of breaking down an agreement with my ex and I. 

I can’t discuss the details, however they are in the hands of my lawyers to resolve, and I’m hoping that my ex will see that she can’t bully me or pressure me to cave into feeding her massive sense of entitlement.

Outside of those matters, I have been doing some amazing things. As expected this month has been a relatively slow time for performing comedy, however with the events that happened last month I have gone ahead and booked myself an actual vacation. I will be heading off next weekend and flying out to Los Angeles. I have my new buddy out there expecting me and I will be spending a good 10 days filling my soul with Comedy. I will be hanging at the back bar of the Comedy Store and mingling with a number of headlining comics. To simply be in the presence of that kind of greatness will certainly be an experience I will never forget. I timed it so I will be able to get up on a 1 or 3 minute spot at the Comedy Store. Either the Potluck show or the Kill Tony show. I have been going over those sets in my head for weeks now and I’m ready to kill it!

Short of the few business trips I used to take years ago, this will be the first vacation I’ve ever taken solo. Needless to say I’m a little nervous about it all. I have an AirBnB booked in West Hollywood which is walking distance to the Comedy Store and the Sunset Strip and I intend to use that time to write and be inspired. I will also probably try my hand on any of the open mics I can get on.

This vacation will be 10 days and getting those days off from the kids was a fight to say the least. The ex almost had a fit when she found out I had booked those days off. It’s not like I hadn’t been talking about it for the last 2 months, and that I shouldn’t need to get her permission in order to book my dates. These were selected because 7 of those days are my custody days, they are during what is our May long weekend (I save an extra vacation day), and these were the dates available for my flights which I booked using my points rewards (free flight!!).

The next week she sends me a message that she went ahead and booked her 14 days in Germany and Prague. I didn’t even bat an eye about it only to tell her I had one Comedy club show booked during that time and she arranged for her parents to take the kids that weekend. I just find it typical, but that said, I’m gonna stick to being the better person here. 

Work has been actually pretty good as of late. I’ve been feeling lately that I wasn’t as productive as I should have been and that the recent layoffs were a starting signal to what could be me possibly being next, but it’s looking now like I’m starting to get some really good steam going. Not to mention I recently referred a friend of mine for a position at my work and he accepted it! Which means I get a $1500 referral bonus. Woohoo!

As far as my fitness, a few weeks back the gym for some reason cancelled my prepaid yearly membership. This is a corporate membership paid through my work and like fuck if I can get anyone to fix it. I’ve had managers of the gym try and address it, and even so much as give me temporary weekly passes, but the uncertainty of whether of not I will get denied access has really made me hold back on my progress, I’m hoping this week I can finally get it resolved and get back on track. I do plan on hitting the gym while I’m on vacation. I know 24 Hour Fitness in LA offers free 3 day passes and I will inquire about buying a few more passes for when I’m there. I can’t let that hold me back. I have still been eating right and my weight has been steadily gaining in terms of muscle. I do get compliments all the time (teehee).

I won’t lie, I have been out there meeting people, I’ve been on a few “dates”, and there is some interest in possibly meeting up with someone again. I think I’ll be taking my time with that and ensuring that I don’t jump head first into something without making sure my heart and head are fully ready for it, but that said, it’s been nice to feel desired and have someone actually attracted to me. As well as have someone to talk and listen to, without the expectation of anything. I am looking forward to a great summer. 

Mother’s Day was today and today happened to be my custody day. A couple weeks ago I had asked her what she wanted to do for Mother’s Day and she told me she definitely wanted to have the kids for that day. Which I have absolutely no problem with. In those weeks, the plans went from her coming to get them in the morning of, to me dropping them off after their breakfast. Then it was that she’ll have them overnight to I pick them up at 3:30PM after my youngest had his nap. Then 2 days before 3:30PM turned into 3:00PM, and finally as I dropped them off this morning, she tells me, come get them at 2:30PM as she “has a bike ride planned at 3:00PM”.

During the day I took that time to do some work around the house and also work on my project car. It was a beautiful day and it was really nice to just tinker and work and keep my head busy. So busy in fact that I had completely lost track of time and before I knew it, it was 2:00PM and I had to shower and gather up the things I needed to get out to my brother’s house to spend dinner with my parents who are now back from Florida.

I was late, I showed up at like 2:45PM and was greeted by a very pissed off ex who was just itching to hand over the kids and get out. I was left feeling so small after that interaction and while it was my fault, the feeling of being looked down on as a piece of shit was clear. Forgetting the fact that I had bought her and her mother flowers for today, or the fact that my daughter and I had spent last night making a special arts and crafts flower bouquet out of egg cartons. All that was for nothing because I was 15 minutes late. 

This week is gonna be tough, I know this because I have the divorce stuff getting heated, my mortgage needs to be renewed, I have a pretty big show coming up on Wednesday (paid show no less), my work projects are getting down to the wire and I have to get my things ready for my trip to LA. 

That said, I’m sitting here, on the couch getting ready to work on some new comedy material, my kids are asleep after a nice day running around, and I am thinking how lucky I am, regardless of all the challenges I’ve been facing lately. I desperately need that vacation and I’m so glad I didn’t procrastinate and am finally doing it.

I have a number of posts in my drafts of which I will finally post once this divorce agreement is finalized and I can share the bullshit I’ve been going through (it’s a hell of a ride). However for now, I’m gonna stick to being in the moment, and grateful for what I have right now.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Abuse is abuse.

As I’ve been writing this blog and posting my thoughts and emotions, I’ve also been browsing around amongst the people whom have started following me or have popped up in my recommended blogs list. 

What I notice is I am probably one of the few men out there talking openly and honestly about being a victim of abuse. I’ve found plenty of blogs by women who are coming out of abusive relationships with abusive men. Some accounts more extreme than the others, but in the end, the result is always the same. 

The victim is left broken, filled with self doubt, denial, shame, guilt and a long journey ahead of them while they attempt to pickup the pieces of their life. All the while being constantly triggered and challenged every step of the way.

While my stories and experiences are unique to myself, I have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone out there. The accounts from the brave women whom have also shared their stories and struggles have really made me realize that we are all the same. We are all hurt and hurting, and struggling to find out who we are after we were discarded, or forced to leave.

I am still left to question how it is that I am among a very small minority of abuse victims out there who happen to be men. The only explanation I can reasonably come up with is that while it may seem there are fewer men out there with our experience, I assume the reality is that there more out there who are silent. 

The reality is that in our society men are often the perpetrators of abuse. Often particularly domestic violence and deep rooted emotional abuse. While I can’t pull up statistics or fact charts to support this claim, we can all agree at least that in the public perception this is very much the case.

It is that very reason that when a man is a victim, particularly from the abuse of a woman, he is often seen as either weak or not believed at all. This is sadly also one of the many reasons men who are in abusive relationships stay in them for so long. They are always left with the hope that maybe if they just stood up for themselves that the abuse will stop. That they should just “man up” and take it as part of being in a relationship. The tired old tale of the nagging controlling wife reigning in the dopey, hapless husband. The moody hormonal girlfriend who lashes out at her boyfriend and excuses it all afterwards by simply telling him that it’s just “that time of the month”. These are tropes for a reason.

While abuse takes many forms, and has many sinister results, there are some forms of abuse that are more commonly what men are subjected to. Name calling, public humiliation, sexual withholding or shaming, constant criticism, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, belittling, controlling contact with friends/family, controlling freedom to participate in outside activities, financial abuse, threatening to leave, threatening to falsely claim abuse themselves, threatening to withdraw access to their children, and infidelity. 

While these are not exclusive forms of abuse towards men, they are often the less obvious and subtle forms that will bring about doubt and uncertainty to any victim. 

You only really have to look at the suicide rate of men vs women to see what the possible result can be. The numbers increase exponentially when they look at factors such as recent divorce, if they have lost custody of their children, if they were now forced to pay alimony or child support in those cases. I can imagine that a number of those affected men are also victims of abuse in their own right and were left unheard and discarded by a legal system that unfavourably sides with women by default.

I can’t imagine the feeling of being unheard, being silent, broken and too proud or scared to ask for help. To have a system that typically helps abuse victims (predominantly women) ignore you and force you to negotiate with your abuser. To be forced to have to prove your abuse, and further to that told that you could have walked away or that it was in some way your fault. These are things that victims should never have to face.

I count myself lucky in many ways. I was confident enough to ask for help and seek it through counselling when I needed it. I was strong enough to recognize and identify the abuse for what it was and to not stay silent about it. I was brave enough to take the steps needed to eventually move forward and heal. 

A common saying is that recovery is not linear. What this means is that while we often see improvements, we will often hit roadblocks and setbacks along the way that serve to challenge our resolve. There are times when we will completely break down and feel like the world is collapsing. We will appear as if we are regressing but in fact, I am told, this is all part of the process. No one is expected to recover the same way or at the same pace. The key is that we are out, we are no longer actively being abused however there is a strange guilt that comes with that. The feeling of “How could we have ever let this happen to us?”.

I’m not sure if my stories are helping anyone out there, but I do know for sure it is helping myself at the very least. I am reminded a moment before the complete breakdown of my marriage when I had really come to the realization that I was very much being abused. I remember reading articles and journal entries, mostly from the perspective of women being abused and thinking, this is the same thing happening to me. I also remember reading that the best advice was to leave or end the abusive relationship and then reactively googling how to end the abuse without leaving. At the time I just couldn’t see myself getting out, at least not by my actions. I was ashamed to admit that I was deep in it, I was trapped, and it took being discarded by my ex to finally realize the truth.

I am a victim, just like any victim. I was abused. I was silent. I am not at fault.

[whenthelaughingstops]

The Good, The Bad and The Funny.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I think it’s fair that I take some time to update my status.

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, things are starting to come to a head and my emotional state is starting to finally recover. This isn’t to say that I don’t have my moments of doubts, anger, sadness or existential crisis. However they are starting to become fewer and far between. 

I am still going strong with comedy. In fact, I had a major breakthrough in terms of networking and the ability to perform outside of my city. I recently met up and hung out with a major headliner comedian who happened to be in town. I have been a fan of this comedian for quite some time and we’ve kept in touch on Facebook since before I ever even performed myself. He’s since escalated his career and is a paid regular at the Comedy Store in LA. Has performed on This Is Not Happening on Comedy Central multiple times and is good friends with many of my favourite comedians and podcasters. Anyhow, he is a genuinely nice guy and meeting up with him was an amazing experience. He, a few other comics and myself all hung out as comic peers (doing my best not to fanboy the hell out) and in the whole exchange has given me his number, promised to meet up with me when I visit LA next month. Further to that he told me he would give me a tour of the Comedy Store and invite me to the back bar (comics only bar) and introduce me to the other comics there. He also told me he’d put a word in to get me a spot on the Kill Tony and Potluck show. So it looks like I’ll be going to LA next month!

I knew the month of April was going to be a slow comedy month in terms of performance but I have a few key shows coming up which are forcing me to write new material. I am taking this to task and in my evenings where I have the kids I’ve been taking the time to write.. however I am also procrastinating like hell.

In terms of my ex, as always, interactions are limited. It’s the same old story every time however. On the weeks I have the kids, I get no contact, no messages, on the weeks she has them, I get all the emails with all the passive-aggressive demands. Every time I get an email or text from her I get a rush of anxiety. The immediate thought is “What now?”. Sometimes it’s something simple like paperwork for daycare, other times information like how one of the kids is sick (as if to remind me that her time with the kids is more difficult as a result and I should be thankful that I don’t have them). 

This week however it seems she’s escalating the separation process. This is mostly due to the fact that the mortgage renewal is coming up and we need to settle how that is going to be divided. We have a one on one meeting tomorrow where we will discuss how we proceed. In her texts she seems indicate that we might be on the same page in terms of how we’re going to handle it, however her followup emails tell the other tale. I won’t say details however I’m pretty sure her idea is massively favourable to her and mine is the fair and simpler option, however requires her to see reason and I’m not sure her sense of entitlement and ego will allow it.

The meeting was arranged in the hopes of trying to settle it, she initially wanted to do it at the house, however I suggested somewhere public. I’m not comfortable having her there and as well, if I need to walk away, I should have that option rather than be the bad guy and ask her to leave.

The idea that at some point all this will be settled and we can move on seems so far from now. I just know that it will be nothing short of an uphill battle with her. I am preparing myself for the onslaught of bullying, manipulation, gaslighting, shaming, and delusional entitlement that she will bring to the whole process. 

While my contact with her has been limited, I am getting some feedback from others about her. She has the habit of bad mouthing me in public forums. Doing her best to gather up whatever pity she can, associating herself with other recently divorced single moms and as well telling all her currently married mom friends that they should leave their husbands like she did, as they are all “horrible partners”. 

This seems completely in line with her, she’s the type of person who adopts a persona and becomes the most self-righteous of that type of person. I guess she’s now moulded herself into being the “scorned divorced single mom” category. I don’t think it’ll take long before people start to see her for what she is or start getting sick of her. I have no patience or care to warn anyone about her anymore, she’ll do the job herself.

As far as myself, I’m more resolved to focusing on myself and my needs. To continue my path to self improvement, growth and fulfillment. I have been finding myself very busy. It seems any time I have free time, it’s filled with comedy, friends and family. This is a good thing for me. 

Little things lately have been keeping my spirits up, like for example I had my last session with my therapist. At the end of it she flat out told me that I no longer need therapy. While I probably have some unresolved childhood trauma I should focus on in the future, that for the most part, she is confident that I am on the right path to moving on and thriving. If I ever needed her in the future, that she’d be available.

As well, I was going around the house recently and looking at all the home improvement projects I would love to take on once this divorce in finalized and my finances are in order. I realized that I will no longer have to ask for permission or budget in order to just get them done. I won’t have to be second guessed about whether or not I had the skills to complete the task, I won’t be controlled by having the money needed to complete the project withheld, I won’t be coerced into spending more money than needed on something that is frivolous and unnecessary, and I certainly won’t be judged for my choice of colours, style or materials.

I have been buying myself new clothes recently, I tracked down my favourite jeans and bought 2 pairs of them on Amazon but a waist size smaller (the weight loss is showing). I bought myself a sweet pair of Vans Slip-ons with the dark grey and black checked pattern on them, I bought myself a black Dickies jacket since the weather is changing and this seems like a good all around Spring and Fall jacket. I no longer feel stupid for wanting to wear what she would consider bland or childish. I feel comfortable in my clothing choices. I realize how much influence she had on my appearance. She did it because to her, how I dressed and appeared in public reflected on how she was perceived. 

She often would point to men who were more “stylish” at parties and public events and then tell me I should be more like them. She would then secretly fawn over any of the guys who had a sense of style she liked. It would play out when she would talk to them, I would immediately see her disposition change and I knew it. At first I would find it cute and endearing, however as time went on, she would later make a point of letting me now that I was lucky that she puts up with me. “You’re a dope with no sense of style, but I guess I put with ya”. Didn’t realize until now how belittling that is.

I know that every time we meet up to exchange anything with the kids, she is judging my appearance. Judging my clothes and my relatively simple punk, dark style. Yes I wear dark jeans, yes I wear skate shoes, yes I wear mostly black t-shirts with metal and punk bands that I like. I feel comfortable in these clothes they are me and how I dress should make be feel that way. I no longer compromise nor do I need to feel like I have to fight to choose my clothing. 

Finally, I’m also realizing that I’m single. While I may not be perfect and still dealing with all the emotions and whirlwind of divorce, I no longer feel guilty for wanting to seek relationships outside of what was my failed marriage. I’m also no longer feeling hurt by knowing that my ex is most likely sleeping with other people. I no longer feel rejected and discarded, I feel free and emancipated. I am free to pursue any relationships in whatever capacity and in however way I feel comfortable. This is a victory and I will take it as that. 

The idea of “dating” scares the crap out of me and in this age of online dating and swipe-type apps, I know for sure I am not ready for any of that. I know I will eventually encounter some of the single women that my ex has befriended and shit talked about me to, or worse yet stumble upon my ex’s profile. Also the idea of meeting some random off the internet for a date and doing what is essentially a concentrated personality test is completely unappealing to me. It’s peacocking at it finest and I am just not the type. 

I have good people in my life whom I value and who are looking out for me. I know when the time will be right. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

Spring Cleaning

The air is starting the smell crisper, the days are starting to get longer, and the snow banks are starting to melt. It’s the season of awakening, the season that signals the start of new life. It’s no wonder this is the time of year where everyone begins to put the work in to set themselves up for the coming months.

As of tonight I have finally fixed my fridge (small victory, but after 6 weeks of living out of a tiny bar fridge this is great news). Ended up changing 3 different parts and lots of troubleshooting with a multimeter and learning how fridges work I finally got it working again.

Last week, while I had the kids there was the unfortunate situation where my kids’ daycare workers went on strike for 4 days (Monday to Thursday). This meant that I had to take 3 days vacation in order to watch them full time. Not a big deal, but still a challenge. I tried to fill their time with activities like going to the library, the grocery store, playing outside in the snow.. etc.. 

Made for a challenging week, that said, I handled it like a champ but with having to stay home this limited my ability to go to the gym. I had to use my one day that week where the ex took them to get to work and go to the gym, then also go the Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

This week I’ve been slacking on the gym and the food prep. However I think now that I actually have a working full fridge, I feel I can finally start back up with the routine of meal prep and gym workouts. 

My work has been really busy, and I feel like I should really step up my game at work. I need to start getting some wins in terms of my output. I have a new big project that just landed so at least I can start with that in getting all that work done. If only I can stop fighting fires and having to fix broken things over and over.

Comedy has been again on overdrive. This is my week without the kids, so I’ve been pretty busy. The one day off I had last week I spent it going to the local comedy club and seeing my friends compete in the winter comedy competition (the one I competed in the week before and didn’t make through), then last Friday I performed at an indie show, Saturday I went to 2 different shows, one is an indie show where I introduced myself to the show runners in order to try and secure a spot (Saturday spots are hard to come by). The second show was a late night show, with some of the more seasoned comics in town. 

Sunday morning after the gym I had my writing group, then that evening I performed at something completely different. This was a Storyteller show that is partly run by another comic. The idea isn’t necessarily to be funny, but to tell a 7 minute long form story. The theme of that night was called “Method to the Madness” and I used that to tell my long form story about my appearance as a guest on the Dr Phil show, way back in 2004 (yeah I know...).

That night, 3 of my other comic colleagues also performed, and we all quickly realized how interesting this show was. There is a strange comfort in having the freedom to tell a story without the hard expectation of having to be funny the whole time. There were other people who performed there and it was clear difference between the comic and non-comics. You can tell we all were much more comfortable in front of people, we have a better understanding of how to craft a story, cut out the parts of the story that don’t matter and be able to give a payoff or ending that made sense. I really enjoyed it and might perform this show again. I think it’s a very interesting experience.

A new development is my friend Peter is back in town after having completed his travels in Hawaii where he trained for and completed an Ultra Marathon. If you remember Peter back in my way earlier posts, he was my roommate in the HellHouse. Well he contacted me with interest in wanting to perform standup and after talking to him I think he would be amazing at it. He’s talked about it for a while and for anyone who knows him, will tell you, he is well suited for it. So on Monday I brought him over to the local Monday Night Open Mic and introduced him to the show runner and some of my comic friends. Not surprisingly he already knew a few of them.

Other discussions came up and I think I might actually have a roommate for the summer. He is in need of a place to stay until August and since he has a car and I’ve lived with him before, I think he’d be a great fit. Also it would be nice to have a few extra dollars to help with the bills at the house as well as have some company. He’s coming to visit tomorrow the check it out.

Last week however did bring some bad news. My hero in comedy passed away suddenly and it was a massive shock to our community here. His name was Mike MacDonald. He was a legend in comedy. I have a special relationship with him as I remember being a young boy watching standup on television, namely the Just For Laughs comedy gala and Mike MacDonald came up and was truly the first standup to really make me laugh. He has this ability to find hilarious situations and act out these ridiculous things to accompany his jokes was genius. I first met him when I attended a comedy show at a very small venue in Vancouver. I told him I was from his hometown of Ottawa and that I too was interested in performing comedy. He straight up told me that if I wanted to do it, just do it. Don’t doubt, if you are made to perform, you’ll do everything to make it happen, otherwise get off the stage.

I took that to heart and not one month after that encounter I performed my first time ever. Later when I moved back to Ottawa, I found out he too had moved back to Ottawa to recover from some major health issues. He was a regular at the local club and I would see him often. We’d chat in the green room, talk shop and eventually he remembered my name. He even was the judge when I performed the summer comedy competition last summer. I can’t say he was my friend, that would be disingenuous, but he was a comedy colleague, an inspiration. It was heartwarming to see the love and read the stories posted after he passed. He was a truly kind man, and a real friend to the new comics. He will be greatly missed.

As far as my ex is concerned, she is doing whatever she is doing. I still don’t know what she does all day anymore. I’m guessing at this point her parents are probably starting to get sick of her being in their house. I know she’s out there dating which is fine and none of my business. I just wonder if her parents wonder what the fuck she is doing.

I’m sure soon enough she’ll get her attention directed back at me and start throwing more agreements at me. This weekend is Easter weekend and it looks like I’ll be handling the kids during that time since it’s my week. There goes my long weekend sadly.. Oh well.

Today however is her birthday. A day where I definitely have a certain guilt over how I royally fucked up her birthday last year. You see, last year I had tried to make plans and tried to get things together for her. I wanted to go out to dinner and get her a gift and cake, however on the Friday of her birthday her friends had a surprise party planned for her. During the day she was mad at me because I didn’t have a gift, I didn’t have a cake, I hadn’t planned anything to what she had expected. What I was expecting to do was to get her a gift on the Saturday and go out for dinner that evening. However I should have been better at planning and we had a fight before she left for her surprise party. That night I baked a cake for her to try and make up and again.. fucked up that cake. 

I can’t blame anyone but myself for it. It was hard at that time to plan anything while working 50 hours a week, coming home and then being full-on dad. Since I was expected to arrive at a certain time, and my travel was tracked on my phone by her, I had no way of getting her a gift or a cake. I couldn’t order anything online because it wouldn’t have arrived on time and we had a shared Amazon account so she would have seen anything I ordered anyway. Anyhow these are my excuses and I own up to being a shitbag. I think back and this was probably the event that threw her over the edge with me, however the more I look at it, I suspect she was already done with me anyway. So anything I would have done probably wouldn’t have been enough.  

I think at this point in our relationship I was resolved to not really caring that much about the little things with us. I was shut off with caring about her since she had been in overdrive with the put downs and bickering. This wasn’t the happiest times we had. This was the time she was ignoring me a lot, playing on her phone and just giving me constant ultimatums. 

I know the birthday thing is something she has held over my head for a long time, and I’m pretty sure she’ll use it again to bitch to her friends how horrible a person I was. She forgets the other 8 years I had gone above and beyond with her birthdays, special events, anniversaries. Those are all quickly forgotten. It’s almost as if my value was based on what I did for her, and all the other amazing things I did for her didn’t matter because this was the most recent slight against her. Again playing into that victim mentality. Anything to make me feel like less of an individual. Needless to say today sucks.

Anyhow, I’m going to continue to soldier on. Keep moving forward, I can’t be perfect all the time, but at least there’s progress. This spring is going to have some big changes and some fun times coming. Also with that is probably some challenging times I’m sure, I’ll face them head on. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

Stubborn.

Resilience in the face of resistance is a virtue. Obsession in the pursuit of self-improvement is progress. Stubbornness however is a slippery slope between ignorance and dedication.

In my journey to rebuilding my life, I’ve lately been stagnating. I keep floating along the path of working, taking care of my kids, comedy, working out, and taking some personal time to myself.

I keep getting people asking me how I’m doing lately, and my answer as of late has always been “Good!”. It’s an honest answer. I have been good. However I still feel like my successes have been limited. I also think mostly that’s because maybe my expectations are greater than reality.

My work has been doing much better, I have projects coming up that I am excited about, I am getting my other projects done and on time.

My kids have been amazing, they are happy, growing up so fast and I always miss them when they are away from me.

My comedy has been booming, the stage time I’ve been doing lately has really improved my act and stage presence. I recently did an independent show where I did mostly all new material, a lot of it worked and I was so happy. I also competed in a competition at one of the clubs in town and came very close to moving to the next round. The 2 comics who did make it were very well deserving of their spots, but I was told afterwards that I was very close.

This next month however might see me slowing down from performing and doing a lot more writing. I’ve lately been inspired to write some new bits. In more of a storyteller type of format. In fact I’ve booked a show next week which is a purely story telling show (no expectation of it being funny), where I will tell my story about my appearance as a guest on the Dr. Phil show many years ago.

As for my physical self, I am quickly realizing I am making very big gains from my work in the gym. I’m averaging 4-5 workouts a week at the gym now, I am gaining back some weight (mostly in muscle) and I suspect in the next month I will be back to my old weight (with less fat). I feel stronger, healthier, happier and more confident. I look forward to going swimming this summer and not feeling like a sack of shit when I take my shirt off.

I am finally changing the locks on my house, my ex noticed and didn’t say much about it. I think she’s finally realizing that she can’t just show up to the house randomly anymore.

Contact with her has been limited to kid stuff only for the moment but she’s also still trying to get some decisions made for taxes, custody, and other things.

I really need to get around to sorting through my tax stuff. I think I’m going to go ahead and do that this coming week. It’s unfortunate that this coming week as well, my kids’ daycare workers are on strike, so that means I’m solo all week with them. I’ve notified my work and I’ll be taking the time off. 

My fridge is still not fixed, the parts are still on order and after a few calls have been confirmed that they are on their way scheduled for next week. I am not really happy about it, since it’s been a month without a fridge, but it’s cheaper and better than buying a new one, and I’ve been managing pretty well with my tiny bar fridge. It’s forced me to be deliberate about what I buy for food and to not waste as much of it.

I recently took a business trip to Toronto, and as a result had to ask my ex to keep the kids for the whole week as well as take care of the dog. I’ve had our dog since our split, and while I love her, it severely limits my time away as I always have to have consideration to come home, feed her, let her out, walk her and spend time with her. Not the mention a couple weeks ago, she went through an extensive teeth extraction surgery and I had to manage the dog, the kids and all that at the same time. Not to mention it cost me a pretty penny. That said, I love that dog and would do anything for her.

I feel that my asking for help in this way from my ex is going to be used against me in some way. I still feel bad for asking for her help, I have been making a point of trying to be as independent without her as much as possible. I want her to know in some way that I don’t need her. This may sound petty but after being treated like I was useless, as well her telling everyone else to that effect, I want nothing but to prove her wrong.

What’s really bumming me out right now lately is I’m down on my progress in cooking and prepping food. I’ve been pretty bad lately at going out to restaurants to eat. When I’m at work, I do however go to Whole Foods (it’s next door to my office) and pick up something healthy before I hit the gym. The evenings when I don’t have the kids though, I’m usually out to comedy nights and pick quick along the way (usually Shawarma..LOL).

In terms of my divorce, after our initial mediation, my ex has been pretty quiet about moving forward. I’m not sure if she’s wised up and sought advice from a lawyer yet, I sure hope so. However I haven’t pushed the matter yet, I suspect she’ll be bringing it up very soon. I should be briefing my lawyer this week (as she’s back from her vacation now).

Hopefully all the anger she felt after it has subsided and we can start approaching this reasonably soon. I am not holding my breath however. 

To end this post, I think being positive right now is the key to getting me to move forward. Seeing things for what they are rather than in the veil of sadness and anger. I’ve been reviewing the stages of grief and hopefully giving myself some perspective on maybe where I am right now. I think I’m still in the “Reconstruction and Working Through” stage. Not quite at the "Acceptance and Hope” stage yet, but I see it in the horizon.. and that makes me happy.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Moving on.

My posts as of late have been slowing down, and there’s good reason for that. As I had mentioned in my previous post, the divorce mediation process has now begun. I will not comment or talk about what was discussed in that process. The two main things that are usually negotiated in those meetings are custody and division of property. I will say one of those things is still left unresolved after an hour of mediation.

What I can talk about right now is the feelings I have both walking into, out of and the aftermath since. I feel walking in there I was prepared and nervous as all hell. Many times during the discussion I was interrupted and talked over. This was done in a bullying fashion and a few times the mediator had to reign her in.

One thing that definitely took her off guard was that I actually hired and sought the advice of a lawyer. I believe the comment she made was “I thought we were going to do this without lawyers” was said. Given the circumstances of what she was previously proposing and how her sense of entitlement would come into play, I am very glad I did hire a lawyer.

She keeps “drafting agreements” without involving me and expecting me to just accept them without question. This is probably because during our relationship this was the modus operandi. She would dictate the terms, I would try and argue and would eventually be guilted into just accepting them. Many times these agreements are not at all in my favour. However now, since I no longer have to answer to her, I am not obliged to just agree to make peace. 

Thankfully divorce here in this country is pretty well defined and the courts try their best to avoid litigation. They prefer it that people use the mediation process, and it is free for up to 5 hours here. The mediator is not there to give a ruling, but is instead there to guide us through the legal matters and rules that apply and to get us to a common understanding. After which we would then draft the agreement, present it to a judge and finalize the divorce. 

The reason I am glad I got a lawyer is they were able to tell me what to expect, what the actual laws that apply are and what I should be entitled to. Without that advice I would be putting myself massively in debt, just by accepting her vision of the terms. My goal is to be fair, not vindictive and I know my ex sees it the other way.

All that aside, my therapy sessions are going well, I am getting great feedback from her and she is confirming that I am doing well in all this. I believe in therapy and it works when you are the type of person who is open and honest. I have no hangups in talking about my feelings and emotions. Which is why I am not really having any problems accepting this mass amount of change. I can see everything for what it is and process it in a healthy way.

My physical self is also improving steadily. Working out and physical activity is really giving me a boost in energy, my body is changing very rapidly, I have been working hard and trying my best to eat healthy and eat more. I am also recently supplementing with protein and creatine in the hopes of accelerating my muscle mass gain. Time will tell if it helps. However I just have to stick to it.

The idea of “dating” right now seems ridiculous. My act as of late has been filled with jokes making fun of the whole dating thing. Not from the perspective of someone who is actively dating but rather from an outside looking in perspective. This is because that is exactly the perspective I am coming from. I hear about Tinder and Bumble and think, why would I ever put myself out there like that? This is not to say that I am not open to the possibility of finding someone if it should happen, but rather, at this point why would I want someone in my life when I’ve got all this shit going on?

My ideal relationship at the moment would probably be something casual, fun, very sexual and a clear understanding that we are not to get involved in a serious way. If in that process we catch feelings, then we communicate it as such and decide what to do from there. Most of all, I would also have the respect to not blog about it without her consent, and I would certainly leave out any of the details. I’m not here to air out my love life or sexual conquests. 

I used to be bothered with the idea that my ex was out there “dating”. A part of it was how fast it was after we split that she was putting herself out there. I took it as an utter rejection. Here I was in the wake of being destroyed and there she is out there filling her emotional void with meaningless sex. I guess it’s hard for her to grieve her relationship when you have no empathy or true emotional base. After having been told at one point in our relationship that she thought she was asexual, and that sex was no longer a part of her life to suddenly she has found her sexual awakening, and it only happened after she left me. You can’t help but think that maybe I was the problem. That all the bad sex we used to have was because I was just bad at sex. This ate away at my soul.

I say “used to”, because I now have the emotional framing to see it for what it really is. I was not the problem. I was never the problem. In all honesty, I had tried everything to try to awaken us. To try and get us to reconnect in any type of intimate way. She became a master at dismissing my needs, first it was denial because I hadn’t earned it. Then it was denial because it was her self image issues. Then it was outright denial that my needs matter. Eventually it was denial that it was even a problem and that I was overly sexual. Throughout this, I stuck by her with the hope that her desire would eventually come back. It did, just not with me. I’m OK with that now. 

I don’t know if I was expecting some sort of closure. Like somehow she would realize that she was wrong in all of this. That what she did was not fair to me at all and that she would show some sort of empathy to what I was going through. Her actions however did speak for themselves and I know now that this closure will never happen. I have accepted that. 

I know now that if and when I do get into any relationship it’ll be because I feel I’ve done the work with myself to fix the damage that was done. I don’t want to lean on someone to fix my problems, or fill the void I feel. I want to be the man who has built himself up as a confident, competent and caring individual. Free from the bias I feel about relationships right now. I want to welcome someone into my life who will be a benefit to my life, and I will be a benefit to theirs. I also want to avoid the trap of walking into the same situation again. To have the confidence to end it if I see that it is going that way.

I may sound selfish at this point, and believe me, I probably am. However after putting myself last in my last relationship for so long. I will no longer settle. I deserve to be happy, and to whomever ends up with me, deserves to be happy as well. They deserve to be with the real me, the man who I feel I can be soon enough. It just takes time, hard work and lots of soul searching.

[whenthelaughingstops]

The Grind.

The term "grinding along” is an interesting phrase to me. It represents the slow and steady pace of life that is moving forward and onwards. It also seems to imply that something is grinding or slowly slowing you down from your effective pace. If the brakes on your car were grinding you would have to most likely stop and inspect the cause, and eventually fix it. However maybe the grind means that no matter what pace you take to move forward, there will also be forces of resistance that are attempting to stop or slow you down and you have to keep moving forward and keep forging ahead. I choose to believe that latter explanation now.

This past month has been just that, a slow and steady grind. I am working at my job, although I am slowly realizing that I am not as effective as I should be and am in desperate need of a vacation soon. I have 3 weeks of unused vacation from last year, which my boss has told me I need to plan to take off very soon.

I am getting into the pace of improving my physical health. Since the split over 2 months ago, I have lost 20lbs from stress. I used to be a healthy 170lbs and I’ve dropped down to 150lbs. People at my work and my friends have noticed and are showing concern. You see, when I get overly stressed I tend to not eat. I lose my appetite completely or I simply forget to eat entirely. Now I’m sure some of the weight loss is due to not having had any alcohol for the month of January. As well, I have drastically reduced my sugar intake. That said however this dramatic weight loss is something of a concern. 

For the past month however I have been consistently either hitting the gym or going to my personal training sessions. While I feel massively sore in the days afterwards, I am already starting to see massive gains and changes in my body. It’s amazing what working out 4 to 5 times a week can do for you. I feel proud that I’m actively taking a role in my health and seeing the results is just keeping me motivated to keep at it and get myself to the point where I no longer feel ashamed of taking my shirt off or feeling weak. I am already feeling myself get stronger. Something I definitely need in my life right now.

My next challenge is going to be forcing myself to eat more, and eat more healthy foods. I am finding that meal prepping and taking the time to cook pre-planned meals is doing wonders for that. As of now I have been steadily gaining some of my weight back, however this time I can only assume it’s muscle mass instead of fat. Supplements in terms of protein shakes and multi-vitamins round out my food intake as well, and this is also helping me to put on some of my much needed body mass. 

I need to focus on making this my lifestyle and my future habits. Make this my new routines. If I fail and procrastinate, which I often tend to do, I will go back down to losing more weight and could possibly cause myself to get sick. I cannot let that happen, I will not let that happen. For far too long I’ve been someone who has half-assed his way through life, this is too important to not accomplish. 

The single father parts are more and more starting to become easier. I really look forward to the weeks I have my kids, and in the days before they show up, I start preparing the house, the food and the planned activities we will do together. The moment before I drive up to their daycare to pick them up on the starting night that I get them, I start to get that nervous happy feeling. I walk in to the daycare, sneak over to their classrooms and read their daily log books and smile every time I see that they’ve had a great week before me.

Then the moment I pickup their coats, boots and hats and walk over to their play area and they finally see me and yell “DADDY!” whilst running towards me smiling and happy. This is the highlight of my week. That first night I know that for the next week, I got this, I love them, and they are going to be so happy.

The resistance to the grind however seems to come in the form of the little things in life that are meant to challenge you. For example, my fridge broke down this week. Something I didn’t notice until it was too late and all the food I had in there had pretty much gone bad. Thankfully it was during a time just before I was about to do a big grocery for the week, but this nonetheless definitely put me at a disadvantage. 

I quickly got to the task of trying to figure out if it was repairable or if I had to start looking at buying a new fridge. The freezer portion (the bottom half of the fridge) was working just fine, but it was the fridge that was no longer getting cold. So I started by trying to call all the appliance repair people I could but none were available in the time that I needed them. After a couple hours of youtubing (thank god for Google and Youtube), I took the fridge apart, cleaned out the condenser coils, and began to locate the cause of the problem. It was a combination of the defrost timer and the evaporator fan assembly. I located the parts required and ordered them online. They are set to arrive when they arrive as it appears to be a special order part. 

In the meantime, I decided to move forward and move all the freezer items into my big freezer in the basement, and then move my beer fridge from the garage into the house to act as the main fridge for the time being. This means I can’t have a huge supply of food and will have to be very selective over what I buy and prepare for the next couple weeks. Not a bad challenge, it’s forcing me to be much more careful and precise about my food purchasing.

Another challenge I seem to have hit has been my comedy writing and performing as of late. I have yet to really sit down and focus on it. After my whirlwind of shows the other week, things have sort of slowed down. It is mostly because I have been busy with other things (sometimes much more fun things), but regardless, I still should at the very least take some time and keep writing. I am distracted, and this is precisely the thing that Pressfield wrote about. I acknowledge it and will forge ahead. I recently had a pretty important show cancelled, and that did sort of bum me out. However I do have a number of shows booked, so just keep moving on with that.

The biggest distraction right now however is the upcoming start of the divorce mediation sessions. While I think I’m prepared and have a good game plan in place. I am still worried about how this will all work out. I have pretty much cut off communication for these matters with my ex. I am still unsure what her vision of a fair and equitable separation is. I have a feeling it will definitely not be in my favour. The last we had spoken of it, she had some pretty off idea of how she saw things working out. I suspect the custody agreement portion will be fairly straightforward, but the rest however will definitely be a challenge. 

I can only be strong and stick to doing what’s best for our kids, and what’s best for myself. My intentions are not to be vindictive, or have any malice towards her, however I cannot be bullied into agreeing to something that would ultimately ruin everything I worked so hard to build and accomplish. Something I had every intention of maintaining until she decided to walk away from it all. The thought of loosing it all again is frightening to me.  I am very much nervous about what will happen soon.

I know very often in these types of proceedings, the sides are often in the favour of the mother, and the wife who happens to make less money than husband. I know she will try to use her abilities to manipulate me. I have to resist this at all costs, I am no longer her victim, I am no longer her support system. I will be my true strong self and move past this and settle things once and for all. So I can move forward with my life. I will grind along and push against this resistance. I will take any challenge that happens across my path and will fight it head on. I am strong, fuck you life.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Doubts.

When you’ve been belittled, talked down to, ordered around, and told many times that she was the “best thing that will ever happen to you”, long enough, you begin to truly believe it. It becomes your core. It stays there and rots away at your soul and your sense of self. It’s not until you get out, that those beliefs go away and are left with doubt. 

Was I crazy? Am I to blame? Could I have changed anything? Am I the problem? Am I supposed to feel this guilty?

In the aftermath of my relationship breakdown, there's been this long period of having to try and find some sense of normalcy. Nothing is normal anymore, nothing is the same. I am no longer the man I was before all this happened. What’s left is a broken shell of myself, but with a hope and sense of importance that I am going to be better.

In order to get better, I need to start attacking my self-doubts. Which is a tall order when you have been broken down so badly. 

The questions I ask myself are often irrational. They have obvious answers but because of my self-doubts are left open. It’s really not until you get yourself surrounded by your support system and share your questions and doubts that you start to get a better perspective.

An example is recently I was contacted by someone from my ex’s past, who happen across my blog. She was a friend of hers, who after a certain amount of time, started to feel very uncomfortable with how she was portraying me, the kids and herself. That she eventually just ceased talking to her. The fact that she took the time to read this blog, then send me a message, and communicate with me that I was not alone in thinking that how my ex was being abusive. That it wasn’t just her but a number of other former friends who all after a while started seeing her for what she really was. Her sentiment was that after hearing my side, she realized that what she thought was bad, in fact, happened to be much worse than she initially thought.

That message really has helped me to better frame how I’m feeling. To make me understand that while my ex does have a surrounding system of people who are fully on-board with her abuse, that there have been many others who have noticed and were not in agreement. Some have called her out on it, and were subsequently cut off or blocked from her. Some have chosen to silently and respectfully distance themselves from what they were seeing. 

It’s a trend I’ve been hearing often. As I talk things out with the people I love, I hear from them as well, how they all either bit their tongue when they would see the abuse. How they all were concerned, or even just noticed I was not the same when she was around. I had a nice long talk with my sister-in-law last night and she even noted how during this past Christmas, how relaxed and different I was compared to the year before.

As I move forward in this scary next phase of my life, I have to keep in my head and my heart that I am a better person without her. That I will not only survive, but that I will eventually thrive in her absence. I can only hope that her current actions against me will eventually subside. That she will eventually see that I will no longer tolerate being her victim. That I will eventually stop feeling the rejection that I still feel. That I will stop feeling like I was ultimately the cause of her cheating on me. 

At the moment, I am seeing how self destructive my ex is being. I don’t wish any ill will against her in any way, but I can’t help hoping that at some point she gets a steady dose of reality. That her grand delusion of herself comes crashing to a halt and she gets the realization of how awful she’s been. My concerns are not for her, but for my children. I would never want her to be in a position where she is a risk to them. I will never deny her the fact that she is still a good mother to my children. Regardless of how she expresses her frustration against them, she still is a good mom. 

However that said, when her life eventually starts to hit the wall, and she has to face herself, I really don’t know how things will play out. Who knows? Maybe that day will never come, and she will blissfully believe her own delusions for the rest of her life. I highly doubt, that given the pace she is at, that she is in any way sustainable emotionally. My only concern now is to worry about myself and my kids, and to stay out of the way when that day comes. 

[whenthelaughingstops]

Finding the funny.

A comedian’s gift is that they are the interpreters of the human condition. They are the voice to the observations of life and they put into words what we already know to be true. They place a mirror in front of our emotions and allow us, for but a brief moment, to observe them from another perspective. 

I find myself in a bit of a writer’s block in terms of writing comedy right now. After my life changed, a lot of the bits I had written had to be thrown out. Either because I couldn’t bear to do my tired old “wife” jokes or my silly observations were just that, silly and childish. Although they were funny, they don’t really reflect how I feel right now.

My recent set has had a bit of an anger to it, it had some bitter jokes about what I’m going through as a set up, but then delves into the tired old “I’m single now” and the obligatory Tinder jokes. I feel I can do better, in fact I know I can do better. 

All the comics I respect and love have been the type of comic who can take their pain, their sadness and channel it into something funny. All other comedy is really just tricks to get the crowd to laugh. The setup, punchline routine that I’ve gotten very used to. The brand of comedy by say, Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle, Patton Oswalt, Bill Hicks, and George Carlin. All of them are legends because they spoke truthfully to themselves.

Do I think I could ever be in the same caliber as them? I honestly have no idea. Those were people who spoke to me and made me realize just how similar we are. They spoke of pain and I felt it. They found the funny in life. 

I guess a lot of what I’m stuck on is that, at the moment, nothing that’s been going on is funny. It’s not funny because I’m in the middle of it. If I speak about it on stage, it’ll become too real, and just simply too sad. There’s a fine line in comedy where if you cross into being too real, you end up losing the point, which is to make people laugh. A part of me writing this blog is to try and get these experiences and feelings off my chest. To try and compartmentalize them in a way that I can see it all for what it is, a real human experience. Something that is relatable and something that can get to the core of everyone out there.

I caught a glimpse of this one night when I did some of my new material. Most of the audience was comprised of either other comics or bar flies at the local gay dive bar. A mix of people who are also broken, hurt and have felt real pain. They could see that I too was in pain, and that I was struggling to get it out there. That I was speaking the truth, and it was funny.

I keep racking my brain about what could be funny about all this? What angle can I spin that would make this seem like less of a pity plea and more of an invitation for a ride into the dysfunctional.

Another issue is my confidence is shot. I am still struggling with my self image, my self worth and who I really am. This shows very clearly when I’m on stage. I get some moments of clarity up there, where I can tell my stories and get the whole crowd on board, and other nights I stumble to get the words out. I need to find consistency and confidence. I was thinking maybe some improv or acting classes will help, I think that might be one of my next goals this month, to find the right class, commit to it and get it started in March.

I know right now, this next month is probably going to be one of the harder months of my life. At the moment we’ve been coasting on life, things are stable, routines are setting in, but we have yet to settle the business of divorce, custody, separation of property, and all the little things one must do to cut ties.

It doesn’t help that my ex has started to become increasingly hostile. She flips between being angry at me, or being strangely nice to me, both of which can easily ruin my day. I have been doing my best to limit communication with her, however because of the kids, I am forced to have some sort of interaction. I like it when we are civil and agree to the custody weeks we have been doing (one week on, one week off, with a mid-week single day swap). When the kids are with me, I never hear from her, when the kids are with her, I get texts and questions asking me this and that. It’s my week to myself, and I have to get texts from her and every time I see them I immediately have a moment of “What now?”. I think it’s her way of letting me know that I’m not free of her just yet.

So for now, in all this stress and emotional rollercoaster, I find comfort in knowing that somehow, at some point, all this will become funny to me. It’ll be something that will be funny to someone else as I tell it to them. I just have to get past this, keep my head up, and keep laughing.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Echoes.

While the immediate damage is no longer being inflicted, the leftovers, the lingering doubt, the second guessing and the self sabotaging behaviours will remain. I guess it takes time to reprogram yourself and centre your being. However there is always the fear that one of those echoes of abuse will come to haunt you.

While it’s been nearly 2 months since my split with my ex, I am still finding little things that pop up in my habits and thoughts that remind me that I still have a long way to go before I can feel whole again. I wanted this post to sort of documents the little things that I noticed or caught myself doing that I know are not my judgement but rather a reactive response.

About 2 weeks after the split, I happened to be in a mall shopping for Christmas gifts. I ended up in a shoe store and realized that I needed new shoes (my old shoes have become worn out). I stopped and stared at the shoe selections and for some reason, a thought came into my head about “What shoes could I buy that wouldn’t make her complain that I have bad shoe tastes?”. My ex always had an opinion on what I wore and especially what shoes I would buy. She would insist that she select my shoes, even though very often they were not my style or even within my budget. I am very simple when it comes to shoes. A few summers ago I bought a pair of slip on Vans Off The Wall while on vacation and loved them. I ended up buying a few pairs after that, all to the disappointment of my ex. She would tell me that they looked horrible and that I looked like a child. In that store I realized, that I could choose whatever shoes I wanted, and I did.

In the first month of getting used to being in the house alone, I had to make sure that the house was spotless. I had to clean everything, ensure that all the toys were put away, the kitchen was tidy, the dishes were clean and put in the cupboards, the laundry was done for myself and the kids, the bathroom was free of clutter and wiped down continuously. The bedroom had to be free of clothes on the ground and the bed was made. While this may seem like a good habit, the fact is the motivation behind it was that often, while I was away at work she would come by the house randomly. To either pickup some of her things, or for whatever reason. I knew she would show up since I could see the footprints and tire tracks in the snow when I would get home that evening. I had the fear that she would judge me for not being a competent adult who cleans and maintains the house. She once commented when visiting while I was there that she was impressed that the house was clean. She acted surprised. 

Another time I came home one night after a major snowfall, parked the car in the garage, pulled out the snowblower and cleared the driveway. When I got back in the house I looked at my phone and there was a text from her telling me to get off my ass and to clear the driveway, that she had a hard time getting in there that morning. This from someone who isn’t even living there anymore. I retaliated but telling her to worry about her own place.

I eventually had to set boundaries, and ensure that my space wasn’t being violated. I needed to feel comfortable in my house and this is the response I get.

I often give in to things instead of putting up a fight. I tend to avoid confrontation, for the sake of saving my sanity. Upon returning from work after the holidays, I went to my HR department and asked what I would need to update in terms of documents to ensure that my ex was no longer listed. He mentioned my life insurance policy, my emergency contact, and finally her being on my benefits plan. Now for us Canadians I have to be clear what those benefits are to anyone reading from the USA, they include dental, eyewear, prescription and medical care services not covered by the universal healthcare system, like massages, physiotherapy, and chiropractor etc. Since she is “self-employed” she has always been 100% covered by my benefits.

I had already discussed with her in our first discussions about the split that I would have to cut off her benefits soon. This was something mentioned by my HR previously when I announced to them what was going on. The day I made the request to have her removed I received a text from her asking her why her prescriptions were being rejected from the pharmacy. She asked if I had cut her off and I answered that I had sent the request. She immediately freaked out on me. Told me that if she was no longer on the benefits that I would have to foot the $400 bill she had for her current prescription she was trying to fill. That I had no right to cut off her benefits. I asked her what she was getting filled for $400 (fair question), and she told me it was none of my business. I secretly hoped that she had maybe gone to seek help and was getting some medication for her mental health. 

I ended up going back to my HR person and asking if they could reinstate the benefits, of which he told me he hadn’t even cut them off yet. It was in his list of things to do at the end of the day. I texted her back and she told me she figured it out and needed to come to the house to pickup her benefits card.

Later that day this is what she posted on her blog:

Yup. You read that right. Now I don’t care if she needs some form of birth control, it’s the sentiment behind why she’s getting it. This wasn’t the only time she used my benefits, I also saw a claim for a massage. The claim receipt stated that it was at a local escape spa. On her blog that day, she mentioned she went on date with a new gentleman at that spa. She claimed her half of a couples massage on my benefits. I have since officially cut her off.

In my desires to improve myself, I am also looking at improving my cooking skills, I realize that my reasons for not enjoying cooking lately stems completely from having been constantly criticized when I would be in the kitchen. She would often sit on the sidelines, watching me like a hawk, telling me what to do, and eventually she would get frustrated and just tell me to move along and she would take over. Even just stepping in the kitchen while she was there cooking would invoke her telling me angrily to get out, that I was just in the way. My offers to help were often answered with this response.

On my own now, I realize that I actually do enjoy cooking. My skills are lacking but what I lack in experience I make up for the desire to learn and the ability to follow instructions from a recipe. This is how I operate. That aside, I know eventually, when we start settling out the belonging, that she will definitely be taking most, if not all of the kitchen items, such as the pots, pans and utensils. I decided I was going to little by little buy a new set in preparation for that day. That I wouldn’t be stuck with nothing to cook with. I bought a nice set of T-Fal pots and pans from Amazon, as well as a full set of silicone utensils. I also used up some of my unused credit card points to get myself a nice cast iron pan set as well. Upon one of her visits to the house when I wasn’t there, she noticed that the pots and pans had arrived. I received the following texts:

After this, she went ahead and changed the password for our family Amazon Prime account. I was fine with this, I went ahead and signed up for my own account, something I had long wanted to do anyway. I only hope she also removed my addresses and credit cards they have on file. Oh well, one can only hope. That said, the “our money” comment kinda made me confused. It’s been a month since she’s left, I am using my own credit card and paying with my own paycheque. This isn’t coming out of our joint account. 

The joint account for that matter is also a point of contention. In looking at the charges, I noticed a number of charges that are unaccounted for. Particularly a charge for a bar/restaurant at 10:30PM on a night she did not have the kids. I can only assume it was to pay for a date. She also likes to pay for her car’s gas with the joint account money on weeks she doesn’t have the kids. Originally when we were together I was fine with using the joint account to pay for gas, because her car was technically the “family car”. I never used the joint account to pay for the gas in my car because I commute to work with it, even though I also drove the kids to daycare in the morning most of the time. This is that sort of entitlement she feels. 

These small things add up, they nit pick at your brain, they reignite your anger, they remind you how little she used to make you feel. How she often would make you give up and give in. Second guess your better judgement and interests. It might be a while before these little things become a thing of the past.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Committing to changes.

Change is inevitable, if you let change drive you, then you will undoubtably be left wondering what happened. The key is to be the change and to strive to change for the better. 

It’s a new year, and at this point, the rush of the holidays is over, and now the regular pace of life will be setting in. I am still unsure about so many things, for example, how is my life going to be in the next month? 

At this point, I am focusing on being a good father for the weeks that I have them. On my weeks off, when the house is still and lonely, I am left to try and fill my time before I think too much and become depressed. 

I look at myself, and think, what have I not been doing to improve my life? I am a serial procrastinator, so there are a number of things I always put off until I had to the time. However now, I have the time, so I have no more excuses. 

The first thing you should do is something small, something simple. I now make my bed every morning. No matter what. It seems so simple, but every morning, I start my day off knowing that I have at least accomplished one simple task. I start my day having committed to something and completing it. 

I never read enough, I should really take the time, sit down with a good book, and dive in. So I’ve promised myself I would read at least one book this month. Surprisingly I’m at 3 books now, I’ve read Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art, Bert Kreischer’s Life Of The Party, and then Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson’s book called Rework. Now none of these books are fiction, but really, they were what I wanted to read at the time, and I read them.

I have lately been neglecting my fitness, so I sent the memo to my office and got them to put me on the corporate gym plan. Since then I’ve been going to the gym 4 days a week. I have found myself loving to run again. Even though it’s only on the treadmill, I find myself feeling that freedom and confidence again of putting the work in to build my cardio and energy back. I also seem to have hit a bit of a workout plateau with the weight training, so I have signed up for personal training at a nearby specialist fitness training centre (the trainers at my gym are garbage, and I was recommended these guys very highly). I start with my trainer next week and I’m excited to have someone interested in my goals and figuring out a plan for the next little while that I can focus on. 

That said, just this past month I’m already seeing improvements in my physical appearance. I have always felt awkward about my body, I was never the kinda guy who ever really committed to building up his physical appearance. I have always felt inadequate and given the recent rejection in my life, I think it’s time I stop yearning and actually doing something about it. At least for myself, and hopefully someone who might appreciate me in the future, to maybe see my confidence and enjoy the benefits of that.

I have always felt held back in my ability to perform standup comedy, this was a serious point of issue with my ex, and even though she tolerated this “hobby”, I realize now that I really have a passion for this. In my downtime, especially the nights I have the kids and they are both asleep, I find myself sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap and writing and writing. I won’t lie, lately my focus has been on this blog. I have a lot to get off my chest before I feel I can write something funny about what has recently happened. However I am writing. 

This past week however, I kicked the comedy thing into overdrive. I booked every comedy show I could, and when I wasn’t booked, I still showed up, early, and often would be afforded a spot given my relationships with the producers of the show. This past week without the kids, I went to the weekly Wellington Eatery show, not booked and within 15 minutes of being there, I was given a bullet spot, which I happily took. 

Then Saturday, I was asked to join a comedy writing group alongside 3 other comics, one an established comedian, another a 3 year comic like myself, but has done way more shows than me, and another who had never performed. The owner of the house, which we went to write at, happened to also be the owner of one of the big comedy clubs in town. He was overhearing us riffing on our jokes and he asked me to call him later in the week to have myself booked on the paid Wednesday shows instead of just the Monday Open Mics. This was a huge boost, we ended our session, with an invite to drive out to Carleton Place and perform that night. I gladly accepted and off we went, and I performed to a drunk crowd of hicks who all for the most part shut the fuck up when I was up there.

Sunday I went to 2 comedy shows (hoping to get a spot), one was a monthly show at a Chinese Restaurant called Shanghai and is knows for it’s Karaoke nights hosted by a drag queen called Chyna. The other was a semi-monthly show called Pros vs Joes and it features seasoned comics, who then invite a first timer, or new comer that they know to perform following their act. It was a great show of which afterwards I ended up hanging with the producer and he then told me he would love to have me perform as a Pro, if I could find a Joe to come along. I told him I might have that person and would let him know.

Monday I worked and afterwards headed out to the weekly Swizzles Open Mic night. This is a show hosted in a Gay dive bar, and is considered one of the best workout rooms. I went up there that night with my newly written jokes from the writing group, and did better than I even expected. I had other comics whom I respect come up to me and tell me that was the best show I had done up until now, and as the clincher, had a heckling drag queen from the audience come up to me, point and say straight up “You are funny!”. That was a really fun night.

Tuesday was the night I had the kids for the mid-week day swap, it was fun, and that evening I wrote more jokes.

Wednesday I had a long booked show at the local Yuk yuks comedy club and went up a little more nervous than I should have been. I still did well, but a pro comic afterwards came up to me and told me directly what I needed to improve. Normally this would have demotivated me, but instead this was a comic who previously would not have given me the time of day. Here he was telling me what I needed to fix.. this was respect. I took that advice and I will work on it.

Thursday, I was back at the house for another writing group session, and afterwards left that group to meet up with a good friend. 

So to say that I’m now all in for comedy is an understatement. It’s one of the only things right now that is making me feel alive. I will continue to commit to working out that skill and I will be funny and confident on stage. I will make that happen, so help me god.

Also this past month, I started seeing a new therapist. I met this lady and immediately knew she was right on pace with me. After telling her why I was there, and how I was feeling, she gave me a perspective on things that felt really refreshing. The thoughts and doubts that I had about the abuse I went through, she completely acknowledged that what I had went through was real. That it was abuse and that I wasn’t just complaining for the sake of it. Years of gaslighting will do that to you.

I sought the help of a therapist, not because I wanted validation, but because I had this heavy load of anxiety sitting on my shoulders. I’m in this weird limbo state where only my close family and friends know what’s going on with me. I don’t feel it’s right to come out and tell everyone what’s happened, but also this discretion has made for some awkward moments. For example a old friend of mine recently contact my close friend asking why he just found my ex on Tinder. He was afraid to talk to me and tell me the bad news. While I think this is funny, it’s still kinda sad, it’s putting me in a weird position emotionally.

That said, hearing her thoughts about how I really shouldn’t care at this point what my ex is doing was good to hear. She also told me that I shouldn’t hold back in telling anyone who asks what happened. It’s the truth, and the truth is a hard pill to swallow for abusers. Abusers like to save face and shelter the truth from their support systems. They will continue to lie and garner support and pity, and I have to be prepared to understand that I will not be able to change those supporting people’s minds. It’s not up to me to tell them the type of person they are supporting. However that said, if any of them ask, I should not feel like I have to save face for my sake. I should be honest. 

I did however accidentally make the mistake of following some of my ex’s friend’s blogs. I did NOT know that Tumblr sends you a notice when you follow them. I wasn’t intending to out this blog to them or anything, I just don’t have anyone to follow yet and was curious what people I knew on Tumblr were doing. That said this apparently infuriated my ex. I think she’s either renamed her blog or blocked me, she also texted me that she was suddenly revoking the favour of watching the kids for the SuperBowl party I was supposed to attend. 

Found that pretty petty, again, but oh well, nothing I’m not used to at this point. I’m just now expecting more of this kind of hostility in the future. Using our kids as a sort of bargaining chip. I might have to get a really good babysitter in place in the event that things like this happen again. I know from my side, I would never do the same.

I know I still have more things to improve. I’ve made great strides this month, and I come to a point where all my best intentions will be useless if I don’t commit to following through. I can’t change my world in a month, what I can do is change what I can control, and keep my focus clear. The end goal here is simply to find myself, and feel right in my skin again. The timeline of which is unknown, but I know it’ll eventually happen. I’m doing all the right things, and while I might falter at times, I’ll stay the course. I will be the change.

[whenthelaughingstops]

The holidays.

The holidays are a time for family and friends to get together, and focus on what’s important in life. It’s not so much about the food, the gifts or even the act of getting together. It’s about taking the time, isolating ourselves from all the distractions, slowing down and appreciating what we have.

The end of my daughter’s birthday signifies the start of the holidays. I have a rule now that we don’t put up the Christmas tree until after my daughter’s birthday. This ensures that she knows that she is important. 

As soon as her birthday ended, that evening I packed up my car, and headed out to my brother’s house. This was to be the evening that I would have the talk with my family. Coincidentally, my favourite teacher from High School also happen to be having her retirement party at the same time. I had brought my dog with me and dropped her off at my brother’s house, went to the retirement party, said hello and met up with some old friends then headed back to my brother’s.

At this point I wasn’t really eating much, I had been trying to do my best to eat, but the grief was really getting to me. We sat down for dinner and I started to discuss what I was feeling at the moment. It was just myself, my sister-in-law and my brother. The discussion eventually led to where they as well, expressed concern for me in how their interactions with my ex was. They all knew how horrible she was treating me, they all had to bite their tongues and let me handle it because she was my wife, as well as the mother to their niece and nephew.

They really made me feel welcome again, for the last while when I visited them it had always been with my ex and the kids. It was always the same story, she would be sitting down chatting and I would be doing the minding of the kids. Even if I was able to sit down, it wasn’t long before my ex would be barking me to do something. As well I always felt held back, like I was in some way putting on a face in those moments.

It had been a really long time since I was able to just sit down and talk to them like adults. It felt almost redeeming to hear them tell me how much they cared for me and how much they were going to be there for me. I finally felt relieved that they knew. It had been 2 weeks of me sitting with this sadness in my heart, and while I had my friends to hear me out, it was just now starting to feel real. This is because now, my family knew.

At this point I hadn’t told my parents yet, they are unfortunately in Florida and with how they are setup for communication, getting us to talk together requires planning. I had sent them an email telling them that we needed to talk, however I guess they didn’t understand what was going on. So it wasn’t until 3 days later that I finally told over the internet phone.

Meanwhile on my ex’s blog she posts the following:

So yeah, calling my family petty is pretty low in my opinion. They know my side of the story because it appears to be the only one that includes the truth. Those last comments, back then, certainly hit me hard. I mean noticing how quick she is looking at moving on is so striking considering this has only been 2 weeks since our split. I guess at this point she’s trying to fill the void in her self-confidence and given that she’s unapologetically detached from me, it makes complete sense given the context.

One good thing that was secured in terms of Christmas was that she would have the kids on Christmas Eve and I would have them on Christmas Day. My family invited me to their usual Christmas Eve tradition of going to my “aunt” and “uncle’s” house for food and a late night game of Monopoly. Now I put those associations in quote because by blood they are not my aunt and uncle, but my aunt was raised next door to my mother’s childhood home. They have always been a part of my family. I hadn’t seen them in years and walking into their house felt so familiar and warm. 

That evening was amazing, we ate and drank and I ended up beating my nephew at Monopoly, a title he’s held for 2 years now. Although if you ask him he didn’t lose (he’s hyper competitive).

Christmas day comes around and there is a massive snow storm. Something like 10cm of snowfall from the previous evening. I had to leave and meet my ex in the parking lot of a mall at the half-way point to exchange the kids. Given the weather I left 15 minutes early, and arrived 10 minutes late. She had texted me on the way that she had arrived 10 minutes early (I guess she was eager to dump the kids off at this point). She complains as I arrive, and hands me 2 kids covered in Cheetos dust which they then proceed to rub all over my car (LOL).

Anyhow, the exchange sucked but now they’re with me and we drive back to my brother’s house. We open up the gifts and it was a really fun time. My son soon approached his nap and like a champ I brought him into my nephew’s room, set him up on a mattress that was on the floor and surrounded him with pillows and he went fast asleep. 

In this time, it was so amazing, I was able to leave my daughter to roam around and play with my younger nephew (who is an amazing kid), I was set up in my brother’s newly built insulated sun room and talk with the adults. There was family on my sister-in-law’s side, and friends who knew us and even they were all empathetic. Again, a common theme, one of my brother’s friends who he and his wife had come and stayed with us in Vancouver during the Winter Olympics had even noted how he saw the way she was around me during our last interaction last summer. He and his wife even commented on it.

The beauty of that whole Christmas experience was that I was starting to feel like myself again. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time, as well the stress of minding the kids at that time was gone. They were there, they were fine, they were happy. It’s honestly the first Christmas, in a long time that I spent relatively stress-free. I realized the common thread, it was her. She was the ultimate source of all the hustle and stress I had felt. That it was completely unnecessary. I could handle this, I am a very capable father.

In between Christmas and New Years I actually had a show booked at Yuk yuks. Something I had to ensure my ex was able to watch the kids for that evening. These types of shows are something you book a month and a half in advance and therefore it was planned long before the split. 

I wasn’t at all sure what the hell I was going to do that night. I couldn’t do a lot of my previous material as they all talked about marriage. Something I felt very wrong doing at that time. I also felt very hurt and angry. So I wrote about that. It had been probably a month since I had last been on stage and I was very nervous. Could I be funny? 

I stepped on stage that evening and started off with a few very vicious jokes about my ex. Something the audience at first didn’t respond to, but after a few of the punchlines they were all on board. I then broke into some of my nostalgia material and it sorta clicked. 

The takeaway I took from that show was that I was nervous and from my stage presence, it showed. Afterwards, the owner of the club came up to me and talked to me. He asked me if what I said up on stage was true and I told him yes. He was completely understanding and showed me some encouragement to keep writing. This was a great boost for me, often he would forget my name. Now I was memorable.

Finally New Years came and my in-laws offered to take care of the kids. This freed me to attend my old high school friend’s house party. I played board games with that crew and eventually went home.

2017 ended up being a complete garbage year, however I think in some ways it also marked a turning point in my head. I was no longer going to have to suffer. I mean for now I am hurt, but it will only get better from here on out. It was that evening I decided to challenge myself to being sober for the month of January. Something I stuck to and might very well continue to do for a while. I figure in this time of stress, the added crutch of alcohol is a slippery slope. 

So I stocked up on Perrier and rang in the New Year with a renewed sense of hope. I was going to get better and aspire to be happy this year. This year will be the year I find myself and reconnect with who I am. For that I am eternally grateful.