In the heat of the moment...
Since interning with Epic the past two years, my cultural blinders have been yanked off. Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote an article for Inheritance Magazine (http://inheritancemag.com/issues/issue-7/) about Epic and what I'd understood and experienced about its mission and journey. Now, I sit in a dorm room in Fort Collins, CO pondering how the implications of what I stated in that article (duality, bi-culturalism, storytelling, cultural redemption) affect me more than ever before.
This afternoon, my flesh was tired. The enemy was pressuring me at those exact places I just mentioned. I felt tired of navigating between being Asian and American. I was tired of trying to have compassion on those who were trying to understand. I was tired of my story sounding close enough, but also being drastically different. I was tired of looking for the silver-lining of what's "good" about being an ethnic minority. And I was tired of being pointed out as an Ethnic Minority staff or as an example or representative of the changing face of the US. I found myself wishing I could just smudge myself--like an illustrator would to a charcoal drawing--and just blend into whatever was going on around me/whatever group of people that I walked among.
And then... something changed. It's much later (it's... now 2:30AM... yikes), and I'm rather embarrassed that I gave in to the temptation to grumble and whine. What it really came down to: I don't like who I am, and I reject God's perfect plan! Awful, right?? God and I talked it out, and of course... He was patient with and forgiving of my whining and gracious in His reminder that I have no clue what He's going to do, so I might as well stop trying to control, ask for hints, or not walk in faith.
Specifically, He reminded me of several things:
1. My lousy attitude is like a slap-in-the-face to the men and women who've advocated and represented ethnic minorities in an earlier time, where there was exceptional resistance and misunderstanding. I sat among some of those people at an ethnic minority staff picnic today. And the organizational progress to reach ethnic minorities in Cru is largely owed to their faith in God, courage, and excellent character and representation. It really was an honor to sit among them... and I definitely felt the shame of my dumb attitude.
2. Why we do this in the first place. A woman working with Nations (Cru's ministry to Native Americans) came up on stage, her voice quivering with emotion. She felt the Holy Spirit move her to ask for prayer as there's a stronghold of the spirit of shame within the Native American community. And it hit me again--I need you to hear this loud and clear and remind me when I give in like I did today (seriously, I need you to pray that I never, ever forget this)--she ministers to Native Americans, NOT because she's Native American, but because God loves ALL people, and she loves God. I don't try to reach Asian Americans because I'm Asian American, but because God loves all people and because I love God.
3. God doesn't need me. I can call it quits whenever I want. Don't misunderstand me here: I have no power in this situation. As soon as I'm unwilling, I'm useless to Him. God in His grace allows me to be a part of something enormously huge (how's that for hyperbole?) that involves my faith, background, culture, family, education, face, zero-math-skills-ness... etc. BUT it has nothing to do with me. My faith, my background, my culture, etc. is completely about what God wants to do.
So, who am I to say: "UGH, God, I don't like being this anymore! Change me! Make this easier!"? What if God honored that request?!!? He would strip me of all my worth and identity! He would not come to my rescue in these areas of my life! He would rip from my selfish hands the opportunity to be glorified through me! I would be nothing but a blur on a page... an essay that was intended to be poetry... a broken pencil...
Friends, I hope that in the heat of the moments where we want to give in and say that our identity (even the right one--the one found in who God is) is too much for us to handle, that God in His infinite love and grace simply calls us to be with Him. Nothing else about you matters. And He'll break strongholds, He'll come to your rescue, and He'll use you in magnificent ways... and all will see Him shine through you.
