Steve Maroney, who the fuck are ya?

Anyway, not urgent. Just let me know.

[whoisstevemaroney]

April 1

Dear Tommy Spektor, Yesterday was April 1 and one year ago it was your first day on the job. I am so sorry that we missed your anniversary. So we have some questions for you. Are you still at this job? Are you still in the field? What kind of job is this again? And like where have you guys been? We have missed your phone calls.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Steve's friends are silent

Steve Maroney lost the game of phones.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Takin it to the Streets

One drink and good Mexican food can work wonders for a search of this proportion. Officemate took to the streets looking for Tommy, Don and Ed. We're asking if anyone might know these people. Given how discrepant the messages have been, we can't get a handle on this Steve guy. Maybe someone downtown will know. Success level: negligible. Laugh level: extraordinary. "Are you Tommy?" "Maaaaaathew" came the reply. Another guy said yes out of pity, I'm sure. It's too bad. We might have had to turn around for more drinks if we succeeded.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Voicemail, what are you?

"Hello, This message is for Steviebitch...I was wondering if you had, if you could get me a price for a hooters hospital pillow for my hospital bed. Call me back, thank you, bye." Congratulations, Steve's friend. I am speechless. Steve, who the fuck are ya and what do you do?

[whoisstevemaroney]

His name is Greg

Following the drought in communication, in which I thought all of Steve's friends and even Steve himself were of some kind of inferior intellect (I still do), a beautiful blip on the radar appeared.

This change took form in the shape of Greg. Greg who gave his last name but so swiftly and without enunciation, I found myself unable to formulate a clear line of questioning. Greg comes from Florida, or at least his number does. He started out pretty forthcoming. Greg is Steve’s friend. I know because he told me. Greg also gave me incontrovertible proof that the phone lines are crossed.  When I enquired as to what number he dialed, Greg deflected. But he did say that the number he called is the one saved in his phone and in fact, he calls it all the time. All the time. See, besties!! Greg might have been a little put out that the inquisition descended on him. But as you know, no one expects the inquisition. 

Greg called back later. By later I mean, less than 2 minutes after we hung up (seriously, only besties try that hard to get in touch with each other). It's weird to me, I guess...because you just got someone who is not Steve on the line. So what are the odds you will actually find Steve upon your next attempt. Also, remember, Steve prefers to text. Joe will tell you that's the truth. Anyway, Greg left a voicemail. I wonder if Greg and Brian from Missouri have a bet going on who can leave the fastest voicemail. It's a close race but I think Greg has an edge. “Steve, Greg, call, bye”. 3 seconds! If only the entire world spoke in lists. How efficient we would be! There is no need for prepositional phrases! Who has time for that shit? Not Greg. Better luck next time, Brian.

It later occurred to us that Greg may be the guy in Florida who left Steve the message that inspired this blog. "Steve, where the fuck are ya?"...good question Greg. You really must be his best friend. 

So the phone lines are crossing. But why? And how? Greg's switch to deflecting and then speedy voicemails makes me think that there are some shady dealings here. Are you really from Florida, Greg? Do you know Don in Texas? What about Tommy? Do you know him? Or all you all working on burner phones and that's why officemate is stuck in the middle? What fate lies ahead? Anyway, hope to talk to you soon. Tell your friends to call. 

[whoisstevemaroney]

In the Game of Phones, you win or you die.

Another coworker is concerned that we are getting too deep into the investigation of Steve. In the Game of Phones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Steve's Friends

Where the hell are ya? 

It's been a few days, and I need a laugh. Have you finally figured it out? I have to admit, I'm torn. Like, I'm disappointed in your subpar intellect if you haven't figured it out. But if you have, then I'm disappointed that the fun will stop. 

Let's get real, without you this blog is nothing but distant memories and recollections of voicemails. I need fresh material. So get on it.  

Thank you, call again. 

[whoisstevemaroney]

But seriously, who the fuck are ya?

We’ve been asking the question, “Who is Steve Maroney?” Simple enough. The prose could be something from the beginning of an attack ad. But seriously, who are ya? What do you do? What are your likes? Dislikes? Hopes and dreams? Is it that one day you might get all the calls destined for you. Because we have that in common. 

We've postulated a lot about Steve's persistent (read: annoying but endlessly entertaining) friends. But what about Steve? To be perfectly honest, we have dug around on the internet. Hey, we're only human. And this thing is innocuous enough. Sure officemate being harassed by these calls and that is a bag o dicks. And our primary directive is to find out why Steve Maroney and she share a phone number. And ultimately find a solution. From our digging we have many theories. Is he in shady dealings? Upwardly mobile middle aged man with his eye on a political seat. Crooked politico? Mob boss. Undercover cop. Travel agent. Construction worker. Local lawyer. That one would explain why mass catastrophe from Allstate is calling you. Like you have a case. Or they want you to stand down. Steve, they say, mind your own damn business. Or something like that. We may never know. Though, our deductive guide tells us that coincidences don’t just happen. The universe is rarely so lazy.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Michigan,

Why you call three times and not leave a message? What is wrong with you? 

[just-for-grins]

When you get a strange text from an unknown number you're like:

[whoisstevemaroney]

New Associate!

Today, we learned of a new colleague. His name is Joe. And he works, where does he work? In a button factory? (Oh, camp songs). No. We don’t know where he works. But he is from Wisconsin, maybe. His number is at least.

Anyway, he had news for Steve. They’re switching letterhead. Or something like that. That’s a pretty big step. I hope Joe and Steve are ready for this level of commitment. It's hard to turn back after you've switched letterhead. Think of the consequences! Joe isn't really informative to our search. But Joe is fun in that he likes acronyms. Like, SIP and the APA and you know, LMAO and the BRBTTYL. Someday, I hope to have an entire conversation in acronyms. That’s talent.

Joe’s message reinforces my confusion. In the message he said, “got your text”. Got your text, Steve. You just text me a minute ago...thought I'd call you back instead. But you didn't pick up...I'm 99.99% confident that you are right next to your phone right now. So why do you never pick up, Steve? Does my voice offend you? You'll text me back right away, but you won't answer my call. Why Steve, why?  Got your text, Steve. So why in the actual fuck is innocent officemate getting all these asinine calls. Have the lines crossed over? How? Is this a mistake on some phone carrier's part that's recycled a phone number it shouldn't have? But we don't think Steve exists in the same state we do...so how could this have happened? This is not rhetorical...I'd like to know. I'd like to know as much as Joe wants to know why Steve won't take his call. 

At any rate, Steve's wide range of associates across the nation has me scratching my head. Sure, Steve is popular. He knows about popular. Hanging with the right cohorts, being good at sports...knowing the slang he's got to know. But sometimes the voicemails sound like the caller and Steve are in the same state and have plans to see each other soon. So why are the numbers from out of state? Does Steve have a magnetic pull and he's convinced multiple people to move near him? And Joe and Don and Ed just haven't changed their numbers yet? Is Steve just enigmatic and charming and convinces people to make frequent trips out of state to see him? That's some power, Steve. Whoever you are...wherever you are, I hope you use it well. 

[whoisstevemaroney]

We don't know much about Steve

But we do know about the people that know Steve. 

Below, are a few people who have called and left messages on the officemate's phone.  Reminder: officemate is not Steve

They are as follows: 

Brian in Missouri  Ed in California Greg in Florida Don in Texas And Tommy also probably in Texas.  Someone named Mike. Are you also in Texas?

We also know some things about the people that know Steve. 

Like how Brian can leave a voicemail that is only 4 seconds long and yet it's packed full of information. You go, Brian. You talk faster than I can hear. I respect that. 

Don. Oh, Don. You are incoherent at best. You and Steve must be close. I am simply guessing about this, of course. I assume only close friends leave rambling, broken up stream of consciousness messages. I heard all the words you were saying. But I really don't have any idea what they mean when they are together in one sentence. Not to mention the fact that you have a penchant for the phrase "and/or" that doesn't make any sense in the context in which you choose to utilize it. But, oddly, I respect that about you too. Everyone's got a quirk. Also, please remember to hang up the phone after you are finished with the call. One and a half minutes of white noise. Music to the ears, for sure. But I'm sure Steve would not have appreciated it if he had in fact been the recipient.

Tommy. We haven't heard from you. But we have heard about you. You're sort of important that way. You're first day was April 1 (read: April One, not April 1st - don'tgetittwisted). Anyway...first day of what? Are you out in the field? What kind of field? And how did it go? Did you do well? Are you gonna keep the job? I really need to know. Don mentioned you. But let's get real, Don's a crap messenger. Hope you call Steve my officemate soon. Let us know how it's going, mystery man.

Seriously though, guys. When you leave these messages and Steve doesn't respond, how does the conversation go? Do you just end up texting him? Do you bring it up? Does he? Have any of you figured out that something is amiss? Do you just let it go? Let it go? The missed calls never bothered you anyway? The fact that you might not have figured it out makes me think that one of us is existing in an alternate dimension. 

Anyway, we don't know much about Steve. And admittedly, his strange phone-fellows aren't telling us much yet. But officemate's phone is at the ready. A little deductive reasoning and we're one step closer to figuring out who the fuck Steve Maroney is. 

[whoisstevemaroney]

We don't know that Steve Maroney is Steve Maroney.

Actual quote that just happened while discussing who Steve Maroney could be

[whoisstevemaroney]

Voicemails

One of my favorite things about this ordeal are the voicemails people leave. 

I'm paraphrasing of course: 

"Hey Steve, it's 4:30am and I'm outside your house."

Hey rando, it's 4:30am and you're outside of a house....how long until Steve showed up to meet you?

Hey, what are you even doing at 4:30am? What is going on? What happens before the sun rises?

Hey, when Steve didn't answer and you were waiting so long, did you throw pebbles at his window until he opened it? That would have been cute. 

Hey, when Steve did show up were you like, "didn't you get my message?" and Steve was all like, "no...you called?" and you were like, "totes my goats, i called! left a message" and steve was like, "huh, that's weird...wonder what happened to my phone?" That didn't happen? Color me disappointed. 

"Hey Steve, I texted you earlier....call me back."

Hey you, isn't it like super weird that every time you text him you get a reply but when you call Steve he never answers. 

Hey, isn't it weird that if someone does answer the call, it's a female who is decidedly not Steve Maroney. 

Hey, couldn't there be a mixup? 

"Hey Steve, just wanna touch bases with you."

Hey, touch bases? What does that mean? How many bases does Steve have?

Hey, are these the "bases"...like tell me more? Did you get very far? 

Hey, does touch bases mean you have a really long list to go over and you just want Steve to be prepared to have a lengthy conversation? 

"Hey Steve, where the fuck are ya?"

Hey you, where the fuck are you?

Hey, who the fuck are ya?

Hey, who in the actual fuck is Steve Maroney? 

[whoisstevemaroney]

Update and name change!

So soon already? 

Well yes, because we may have had a break in the case. A break that tells us that Maroney may in fact be the correct spelling of this guy's name. We're bound and determined to locate this fooltrain. Updates on this break to follow. But really, a few more anecdotes are in order. 

Like this: 

Hey Steve, why are you getting calls from so many different states? 

There is Ed in LA, Brian in Kirkwood, MO (he's new to the mix), someone else in St. Louis, some rando in Texas and many more. 

Further, why is American Airlines calling you?

Why is Allstate Mass Catastrophe calling you? I actually have a theory on this one...but more on that later. 

Why are people calling at all hours of the day? Like at 4:30 am? 

Why are people leaving messages about getting someone in the field?

Are you part of some crime syndicate? The mafia? Are you a detective? Are you an undercover cop in a crime syndicate? Are all these missed calls going to blow your cover? If you are in fact a criminal, are we in danger? 

What are your ways and why do people want to know you?

[whoisstevemaroney]

And who is Ed Neece?

Ed Neece? Niece? Neese? Neace?

What is it with you guys and your ambiguously spelled last names.

Anyway, call from Ed in LA today. Seemed flustered by the fact that I am not Steve. And mildly apologetic. Better luck next time, Ed. Hope you call again soon.

Steve, you popular guy.

[whoisstevemaroney]

Who is Steve Maroni?

Hey Steve, who the fuck are ya?

And how do you spell your last name? Maroni? Muroni? Meroni? Maroney? Whatever, not urgent. Just touching bases with ya. 

Stay tuned for fun anecdotes about Steve Maroni's friends and their quest to ruin my officemate's life.