Who is the asshole?

Problems with friends? Family? At work? Not sure whether you are right or being an asshole? Just send me an ask. Read all questions // How things work around here. About me: Raised on a steady diet of advice blogs and self-help books - but only the good ones! This blog was created before the sub-reddit.

[stuckinapril]

Just try your best, get off your phone as much as you can, honor your hurt feelings and also the hurt feelings of others, favor sincerity over nonchalance whenever it’s appropriate to, reach out to people you miss, let go of people when it’s time, operate from a deeply rooted self respect rather than from a lens of what people think, try your best to read the room, sit in the sun on overcast days (with sunscreen on), drink lots of water, pursue everything you want aggressively, accept that your timeline will be different, welcome detours if circumstances call for them, hold both yourself and others accountable, try to move your body as much as you can and you will be okay diva

[evilsoup]

how do i put this. I think it's important to take some responsibility for the state of the world. I think it's also important not to feel guilt over it. That you are obliged to take some responsibility does not imply that you are guilty of something; it's just a matter of being an adult human being in society. The responsibility is to act to change things for the better on the basis of your actual ability & capacity. Guilt for things you did not do does not help you in that.

[louisegluckpdf]

how to be okay with them leaving and saying that they just don't their first relationship to be with you but still talking to you like i have hope in my heart that he'll be back but again do i want someone who's going to learn my value after leaving me and is it actually love if you're not sure about me and if it is love then i don't want such a delicate love.

it sounds like you already know what to do here. holding onto hope for a specific person who has explicitly told you they won’t be with you never ends well for many reasons (i know because i’ve done it), but i think the scariest thing about waiting for someone is that it puts all the power in their hands. it makes your happiness and self-worth dependent on their willingness to be with you. even if they eventually decide they’re ready for a relationship, you’ve already laid a foundation where they dictate the terms of that relationship. cutting things off is painful, but not nearly as painful as the agony of waiting for someone to come around (which they very likely will never do). general rule of thumb: if someone says they don’t want to be with you, BELIEVE THEM!

[bluebelly-sun-serpentine]

This is such an important lesson to learn. When my previous partner and I broke up, he said something like “Maybe this just isn’t the right time for us. Like maybe we both need something different but someday it will be right.” And having seen his friends trail exes by similar threads for literal years (just so they always had someone on call in case they got lonely, it seemed) I said, “No, absolutely not. If you want to be with me, then be with me now. If not, I’m moving on. I’m not going to wait around for you to change your mind.”

One of the best calls I’ve ever made. In hindsight that dude was an absolutely dogshit partner and I’m so glad he did the hard part for me. He was always the kind of person who wanted his partner a little on edge, a little insecure, a little wanting, because he had no strong sense of self and derived all his value from the influence he could gain over other people. It didn’t take me that long to realize how much freer and happier I was without him, and gaining the self respect to say no to him ended up helping me build a relationship with someone much kinder, more loving, more confident, and much more trustworthy.

Never settle for someone who isn’t enthusiastic about their feelings for you. Don’t waste time waiting for someone to come around. It is literally better to be alone. If you can learn to enjoy being alone (an important life skill for anyone IMO) you won’t make decisions about people out of desperation, and you won’t sit around waiting for someone who just won’t come.

[landunderthewave]

The most important message I got from a cleaning blog, whose name escapes me right now, is that it's not important to finish a task. It is important that you improved your environment and that you didn't leave a bigger mess than you started with.

For example I'm folding clothes right now. Say I have 14 t-shirts. If I fold 10 and then get too tired - if I make sure to put the 10 folded t-shirts away, I have 1) made progress on the task of folding my clothes and 2) reduced the overall mess in the room.

Finding your own definition of "finished" on a sub-task and respecting your energy limits is much more helpful in the long run than declaring any task that isn't "complete" by some sort of outside definition as worthless. Because if you are completely unwilling to progress on (and take a break after) sub-tasks, it might mean that long or complex tasks are simply not doable.

[landunderthewave]

The most important message I got from a cleaning blog, whose name escapes me right now, is that it's not important to finish a task. It is important that you improved your environment and that you didn't leave a bigger mess than you started with.

For example I'm folding clothes right now. Say I have 14 t-shirts. If I fold 10 and then get too tired - if I make sure to put the 10 folded t-shirts away, I have 1) made progress on the task of folding my clothes and 2) reduced the overall mess in the room.

Finding your own definition of "finished" on a sub-task and respecting your energy limits is much more helpful in the long run than declaring any task that isn't "complete" by some sort of outside definition as worthless. Because if you are completely unwilling to progress on (and take a break after) sub-tasks, it might mean that long or complex tasks are simply not doable.

[landunderthewave]

Cleaning tips I actually found helpful

Which is of course personal preference, but I love to share.

If you get stuck in big decluttering projects because you run out of steam and then stuff is everywhere, switch to making decisions about one item at a time and dealing with it (put in correct spot where you would look first/donation box or throw it out). This both lets you see progress immediately and means you can stop whenever with no chaos. (x)

If the correct location where stuff goes has no more space, you need to purge stuff. Easiest rule: One in one out - in order to fit the new item, make a decision about one item in that location that can go. This way new item goes in the right place without creating more chaos.

When decluttering: If you wouldn't find this item in your home if you tried/wouldn't know you own it and can easily buy it again, get rid of it.

Stuff can get too unmaintained to be worth keeping (paper that got wet, clothes with mold on them, generally a thick layer of dust that would suck to clean), you can throw it out.

If you get overwhelmed with making decisions about items that accumulate again and again, slowly come up with rules. "I will only keep the 3 newest editions of this magazine, even if I haven't read everything." "Invoices older than x years can be thrown out." "This box is for recycling/donations. When it's full, it's time to make the trip./Any additional items will have to answer to the one in one out rule."

If you have trouble cleaning up a bunch of miscellaneous stuff in one area, see if going through these categories in order helps. I almost never manage to go through the whole list, but even checking a few categories means visible progress.

Likewise if you suffer from clutter blindness where stuff that sits in the same spot for a while will become invisible, you can push all of those little clutter heaps into one big heap and then use the linked list to sort it out. There might be stuff left after your first go, but I promise the volume will be smaller.

Increments help. Cleaning one spot, throwing out one item, fluffing one pillow will add up over time.

Admire the stuff you sorted/cleaned liberally. You get to enjoy the progress you made.

[millionsknives]

please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

[whoistheasshole]

I'm starting to really resent my partner, and I don't want to. Most of the time it's good, but whenever it comes to actually acting on plans/our relationship and not just coasting, I feel like I have to drag him along. We've been together 8 years, & whenever I've brought up marriage he says "yes eventually" but trying to actually plan anything goes nowhere. We moved last year, & we both hate the apartment we first landed in so we're trying to start the house buying process, but while he's (1/2)

willing to look at houses he doesn't seem all that interested in helping field phone calls or doing research on loans, and then when I say I could do it all myself with my own info only then he gets upset that he feels like he isn't contributing. There's more examples but overall I'm just feeling very at the end of my rope when I think about the next 8 years being the same as this. (2/2)

Hi there,

I think you answered your own question, but let's dive into it together.

When we're in a relationship with someone else, in an ideal world it means we're tackling life's trials and tribulations together. I believe it will be rare to find a 50/50 split of all labor, but at least it should feel fair – I take the tasks you hate and you take the tasks I hate and if we both hate a task, everyone should take on about half of the suck. If things go well, everyone should have about the same amount of free time in the end and, most importantly, feel appreciated for the kind and amount of work they do in and for the relationship.

In reality, even in good relationships there is probably an imbalance. There's a myriad of circumstances that can lead to a considerable imbalance even. What if one partner is disabled or chronically ill? What if one person is paid for their work and one isn't or someone's paid work has terrible shifts, takes them away on travel a lot or leaves them much more exhausted than the other person's job? Illness, death, children - so many factors can lead to temporary or long-term imbalance.

I would say the central question for any imbalance of labor is this: Does the arrangement feel fair? Has it been agreed upon? Is it being acknowledged and does everyone feel appreciated for what they do?

Also, does it feel like the arrangement can be re-negotiated?

Division of labor can be unfair sometimes, the question is can it be discussed and changed?

That is one thing you can look at: Have you had a discussion how to move the house-buying process along equitably? Did you come to an agreement? How have you both held up your end of the deal?

If you haven't had that discussion, why not? I acknowledge this stuff can be hard and awkward, but it is certainly the most straightforward way to get some answers from your partner. If you have the discussion and nothing comes of it–either because you can't agree or because your partner doesn't hold up his end of the deal, that's certainly a data point.

What I would caution against is hashing out several topics at once. Are you chafing at dragging him along for the house-buying process or because he doesn't seem too keen on marriage or due to *vaguely gestures at every frustration that has come up in the last 8 years*?

If you decide to talk to your partner, make sure you know which topic you really want to address in the conversation, otherwise it's likely to veer into "You never ..." and "I always ..:", which–while possibly being true–does not incline anyone to respond productively.

And finally of course the big question: Is this the conversation you are looking to have? Are you ready to tease out how you might equitably work together and trust that your partner will put in as much effort as your are putting in? Is your happiness important enough to him that he will take on some inconvenience to take work off your shoulders?

Are you a team or is your role in the relationship the perpetual tour guide?

Further reading because I believe smart things have been said here:

Does marriage even matter and is it allowed to matter to you?

Should I marry this partner who is letting me do the majority of the planning of everything?

Note, I am not drawing a 1:1 comparison between these examples and your situation. I am sharing them because I think there are bits and pieces in there, which might help clarify some of the questions you have for yourself.

[whoistheasshole]

Tip for phone anxiety around doctors visits

Bring everything you need to a doctor's visit that will allow you to schedule follow-up visits right there, especially yearly screenings.

Once your appointment is over, you have already conquered the worst of your anxiety and inertia. Schedule any necessary appointments right there and you can put it out of your mind once you're home.

[whoistheasshole]

If you're working on something - be it improving a skill or changing a habit or anything else - remember to look back and notice your progress. Especially when the process happens over months or years and progress is small, you will get frustrated and question whether it's worth proceeding at all.

Put a magnifying glass to those changes you've already made, write them down whenever you notice them, if you must, and next time you lose hope you look at that list and you know the work is still worth it.

[whoistheasshole]

I'm starting to really resent my partner, and I don't want to. Most of the time it's good, but whenever it comes to actually acting on plans/our relationship and not just coasting, I feel like I have to drag him along. We've been together 8 years, & whenever I've brought up marriage he says "yes eventually" but trying to actually plan anything goes nowhere. We moved last year, & we both hate the apartment we first landed in so we're trying to start the house buying process, but while he's (1/2)

willing to look at houses he doesn't seem all that interested in helping field phone calls or doing research on loans, and then when I say I could do it all myself with my own info only then he gets upset that he feels like he isn't contributing. There's more examples but overall I'm just feeling very at the end of my rope when I think about the next 8 years being the same as this. (2/2)

Hi there,

I think you answered your own question, but let's dive into it together.

When we're in a relationship with someone else, in an ideal world it means we're tackling life's trials and tribulations together. I believe it will be rare to find a 50/50 split of all labor, but at least it should feel fair – I take the tasks you hate and you take the tasks I hate and if we both hate a task, everyone should take on about half of the suck. If things go well, everyone should have about the same amount of free time in the end and, most importantly, feel appreciated for the kind and amount of work they do in and for the relationship.

In reality, even in good relationships there is probably an imbalance. There's a myriad of circumstances that can lead to a considerable imbalance even. What if one partner is disabled or chronically ill? What if one person is paid for their work and one isn't or someone's paid work has terrible shifts, takes them away on travel a lot or leaves them much more exhausted than the other person's job? Illness, death, children - so many factors can lead to temporary or long-term imbalance.

I would say the central question for any imbalance of labor is this: Does the arrangement feel fair? Has it been agreed upon? Is it being acknowledged and does everyone feel appreciated for what they do?

Also, does it feel like the arrangement can be re-negotiated?

Division of labor can be unfair sometimes, the question is can it be discussed and changed?

That is one thing you can look at: Have you had a discussion how to move the house-buying process along equitably? Did you come to an agreement? How have you both held up your end of the deal?

If you haven't had that discussion, why not? I acknowledge this stuff can be hard and awkward, but it is certainly the most straightforward way to get some answers from your partner. If you have the discussion and nothing comes of it–either because you can't agree or because your partner doesn't hold up his end of the deal, that's certainly a data point.

What I would caution against is hashing out several topics at once. Are you chafing at dragging him along for the house-buying process or because he doesn't seem too keen on marriage or due to *vaguely gestures at every frustration that has come up in the last 8 years*?

If you decide to talk to your partner, make sure you know which topic you really want to address in the conversation, otherwise it's likely to veer into "You never ..." and "I always ..:", which–while possibly being true–does not incline anyone to respond productively.

And finally of course the big question: Is this the conversation you are looking to have? Are you ready to tease out how you might equitably work together and trust that your partner will put in as much effort as your are putting in? Is your happiness important enough to him that he will take on some inconvenience to take work off your shoulders?

Are you a team or is your role in the relationship the perpetual tour guide?

Further reading because I believe smart things have been said here:

Does marriage even matter and is it allowed to matter to you?

Should I marry this partner who is letting me do the majority of the planning of everything?

Note, I am not drawing a 1:1 comparison between these examples and your situation. I am sharing them because I think there are bits and pieces in there, which might help clarify some of the questions you have for yourself.

[whoistheasshole]

Do you take relationship questions? Like I'm trying not to be the asshole, but it's also not a Partner wants this/I want that, one of us must be being an asshole here situation I don't think.

I do! Granted the title of this blog is quite confrontational, but I'm also happy to answer questions where no one is an asshole :)

[mortalityplays]

I'm sure I've said this before, but if you want to make a difference in the world the quickest way to do it is to walk up to someone working on the problems, offer your hands and say 'how can I help?'

[mortalityplays]

the answer might be read a book, attend a sit-in, write to a politician, cut a hole in a fence, give cash, carry boxes, stir a bowl, show an older person how a website works, lie over the phone, sit quietly, offer a lift, turn on a light, turn down the music, stand in front of someone, take the trash out, identify some plants. but the question is always the same.

[whyenn-reader]

as good of a time as any to share my list of activities I do during what i like to call Scheduled Soul Maintenence to avoid burnout

go on an aimless bike/ride/walk - move your body, do it for as long as you feel like it, discover new places near you weather that is a frog or a cafe

watch a new movie/read a new book/listen to a new album - get inspired, excercise having opinions and longer attention span, break out of consuming content and make a choice about what you want to expirience

create something in a medium i haven't used in a while - get out of a habit, rekindle a flame you haven't been upkeeping, making a friendship bracelet counts

go have a fun new drink/snack - arguably most important, have a little treat without rush, slow down and focus on physical sensations, treat yourself in a way that isn't landfillcore

meet with friends and/or go to a place where you meet strangers - human connection is good for you, (maybe some casual sex if you like that/try something new with your partner)

make some bad art - create for the sake of creating without any expectations

play an instrument - this can be anything that makes you reach a kind of flow state

go see something you haven't yet - get to know the cultural/geographical map of your area, this includes events, places, or just anything that makes you go out of your way to expirience something new, can be like a viewpoint or it can be a museum exhibit, anything you find cool

cook/bake something new - nurish your body, break out of cooking habits and routine, make it an event, plate it nicely too and i would like to point out that none of these have to cost more money than your usual lifestyle.

[toastyglow]

I think one of the best things I learned from my last therapist was the idea that when there's a box in your mind you need to open, you don't have to open it all the way on the first try.

what I mean is that she said "you didn't deserve <bad thing that happened to you>" and I said, "I feel like I know that intellectually, but I don't really believe it deep down". and she said, "do you think you can try to believe it just a little bit, as an experiment?" and I started crying lmao

trying to change a core belief entirely all at once is scary, especially when it exists as a protective measure. try giving yourself a cheeky bit of plausible deniability! you're just dipping your toes in the water of self-esteem, you're just having a little wade! you don't have to go swimming right away, and you can always step out if you want. (but the longer you spend in the water, the more you start to understand you're actually safe there...hm, who could have predicted this...)

so that's my advice: if there's something real and true you can't seem to believe, take some time to try and really believe it just a little bit, even if you're only pretending at first. climb the staircase one step at a time instead of trying to put one foot all the way at the top!

[storybookprincess]

one of the best ways i’ve found to combat that inherent depressive pessimism without veering into toxic positivity territory is simply the phrase “i’m open to the possibility”

this particularly works with anything negative i’ve forecasted. “i woke up feeling like shit today, so my day is gonna suck” isn’t a particularly helpful thought, but “it’s a great day to be alive!!!!!” feels hollow and insincere when i have a pounding headache & am running on three hours of sleep

instead i’ll tell myself, “i really don’t feel good right now, but i’m open to the possibility that coffee and breakfast might perk me up a bit.” or “i’m in a lot of pain today, but i’m open to the possibility that my workday might still have fun parts despite that”

sometimes, when your impulse is to slam the door on anything good, but you’re not exactly up to going out & hunting it down yourself, leaving the door open just a crack makes all the difference

[yujateaandpi]

This helped me today hope it helps someone else too

[respectissexy]

Since I'm therapist-posting recently:

Legitimately self-compassion is the biggest mental health life hack of all time. I'm NOT talking about self-esteem. You do NOT have to like yourself one bit. You don't have to believe that you're a good person who deserves good things. You just have to believe that you're a person who deserves the things all people deserve.

You can't get from "I'm the Worst" to "I'm a worthy and lovable person" without passing through "I'm just a regular fuckup like everybody else."

Try it on. If you're really addicted to being mean to yourself, you can start by framing it as I'm Not Special. Embrace being a regular fuckup like everybody else.