I spend a relatively significant amount of time learning about and thinking about technology usage in relation to how it influences developing brains, the family dynamic, and our god-given desire and need for connectedness. And the way I feel about it all is such a tug-and-pull sort of dance between cynicism, defeat, hope, and that frequent pining I feel to document, share, participate, and witness this ever-evolving thing that is both blessing and curse.
More than anything, I’ve noticed my training in mindfulness take the wheel when I start to reflect on tech use. If you aren’t familiar with mindfulness in the therapeutic/meditative sense, it is the act of noticing, acknowledging, and making space for whatever it is that’s going on inside of you. It’s the practice of paying attention and suspending all judgement. It is the art of being present and gentle with yourself, tuning in to whatever it is you’re experiencing moment-by-moment.
So, for me, it usually goes one of two ways…
Okay, I notice that I’m feeling bored and restless. Yeah, I have the urge to reach for my phone–not to do anything specific, but just to distract from this unsettling feeling. Okay, deep breath in… yeah, I know you’re feeling restless and don’t like that, but just sit in it another 15 seconds. Good. What is it that you’re needing right now? Are you hungry? Sleepy? What about lonely? Deep breath again. Maybe lonely, but I’m not sure. Okay, good. It’s okay to be lonely–that’s a really human, natural experience. Be lonely. Or reach out to someone you love, but let the loneliness settle in. Deep breath in. And out. Good.
Or this…
Wow, I feel so full. So full of love. So grateful and overwhelmed with how good this moment is. How lovely!–notice the way that feels in your body and take a deep breath. It feels heavy in the best way. Good, enjoy it and sit in it. Let it wash over you, sink into every pore, every second. Look around, and receive it all. Take another 15 seconds. Okay, I notice I’m wanting to document this. Great, you can, or you could savor it for yourself. You decide. Share it with eye contact and knowing smiles, or share it digitally, but whatever you do, let it be more decision and less automatic.
So, for me, the goal is to be aware of what my own experience is. What am I feeling? What am I thinking? What am I wanting? What do I notice in me and around me? What do I need right now? Pause, pay attention, deep breath, react less, engage more–less automatic, more intentional.
Technology isn’t bad, your loneliness isn’t bad, your desire to share isn’t bad, your desire to connect isn’t bad. But when you feel that panicky tug inside to escape anything remotely negative or neutral like boredom or insecurity or loneliness, take that 15 seconds to breathe, recognize what you feel, make room for whatever that feeling is–not knowing if it will go away, but realizing it’s okay if it stays, because we’re human, and when we use technology to escape our humanness, rather than a tool to savor, celebrate, and share it, that’s when we’re failing to care for ourselves well.
When we stop paying attention to what we need, or just try to push away from the clues our body and mind gives us, we stop using the technology and it actually starts to use us, instilling the pressure to maintain, project, compare, distract, and it just fuels the ache rather than caring for it, and we rarely even notice how much it’s programming our own ways of coping with the human experience. That 15 seconds can help you move deeper into yourself rather than reaching out of yourself for whatever lit-thing will pacify you. What is it you’re feeling, needing, wanting? Deep breath in, out slowly, repeat, good.
-L, thoughts of a therapist
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