I really need to let this out. This is a message mostly for people who I talk to on IMs.
I've had a whole bunch of people complain to me about their problems a lot of the time and I always have the need to shut my mouth because I feel like I am the absolute single and only person with the problems that *I* have, and since Everybody around me has the Oposite problems as me, I keep thinking that I'm "wrong" and that the problems I have arent really problems but in stead "blessings" or something. but at this point I am so damn sick of it all that I'd rather sacrifice my reputation as a person than deal with it any longer.
Keep in mind, despite me sayng this, I am NOT stating that my friends are the cause of my problems. It's MY fault and The "WAY I AM" (and always have been) that's causing these problems. I'm not asking for any changes in others. I'm just gonna have to change some things myself. again, I'm not asking for any favours or demands or whatever, I am simply expressing my feelings and my experiences. If this somehow offends anybody, specially any of my friends, Then I'm sorry, but I cant stand it anymore, and it's either I lose "those friends" or I lose my mind.
I am an EXTREMELY introverted person surrounded by extroverted friends.
I cant belive I've just realised this now, but the reasons for me growing to the artist I am now, and the reason why it used too work this well, was because when I "wasnt on the internet" I was very lucky (in my own way), and I always used to have only like 3 or 4 friends (very close friends), to share things with. I've never needed more. honestly, 80% of my life was spent with me by myself, on my own, with my notebooks, pencil, eraser and sharpner. and That was tottally fine, and I've never had to make effort to make friends or meet people, I dont know why. I just happened to bump into nice people and share things with them when the time was right, and since I had no IMs, then I only had to worry about when I was IN FRONT of those friends, and they never asked me about when I was away or gone, and I never had any trouble catching up with them, BECAUSE I'd always have something to show or talk about at that very moment, when I was with them since I didnt see them often at all.
So as I grew up, Since I didnt spend much time with friends, I learned to focus sorely on the person in front of me to make it as special as possible and give them the best company possible, make them laugh, make them feel listened to. and they listened back. since we didnt see each other often, they were as curious about what I had been up to as I was for them. I cherished those friendships because they took no effort. I have no trouble focusing on 1 thing at a time. and when I was by myself, I was BY MYSELF, and what id I do by myself? play, and draw, draw draw draw. and I drew for myself at the time, and my mission has always been "I dont care if I cant color well or do realistic stuff, my mission is to be able to Draw absolutely anything and everything that can be understood and *felt* by most human beings". I want to be able to be asked to draw something, and have the person inmediately recognise what it is. So that's what I focused on, and what I keep focusing on. That's why I hardly ever color things, cause my art "mission" involves being able to "show" superficially. it's also why I focused on animation too, cause I wanted to be able to have people see the motion and expressivity of the characters I drew, and portray scenes I wanted with clarity. I have a fascination to help people understand, And FEEL the things I draw.
Anyway. So, the happiest years of my life didnt have much in terms of social. It was mostly about my skills envolving, and being surrounded by people with whom I could share everything and anything I wanted. I used to have this one friend who I now miss so much, but with whom I literally played anything and EVERYTHING with them. I could bring up any game or art or video or anything and it was a BLAST without exception. We would play single adventure games by turns, and It was kind of magical how we would NEVER fight over the joystick. we would hand it to the other person when we felt it. we loved watching as much as playing, and we shared the moments together... I REALLY miss that.
I know you cant have everything forever, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. What I'm trying to express is that, back then I didnt need to focus on more than one thing at a time. Dont get me wrong. I CAN get lonely and I do get lonely, but I see that it is definately in a Completely Different way than most people, from what people tell me and what I experience around me.
And Okay sure I'm talking about the past experiences but SO DO MOST People. a LOT of people express to me how their past experiences have built them up in the shape they are now. What's unfair its that Because of the nature of who I am, It's been reversed, most people have had a shitty past and things are better now. Well for me, It's been kind of the opposite. I've been very lucky before and now things have changed to a point where I'm REALLY Stressed and not doing well, and I'm starting to realise WHY I'm not doing well, so I have the right to complain too.
I've never had to give explanations to friends in the past. We met every now and then (like, once or twice a week), we would catch up by then, show whatever we had in store, had a few laughs, then I went back to spending time alone by myself for a loooong time, focuising on art, focusing on improving and focusing on getting things done.
And when I thought about my friends, it was in the way that "omygosh I cant wait to show them this". or "Haha, he's gonna love this!" . And I Never ever ever felt the need to feel commited to them. They gave me the company I needed and loved, because they were like, 3 people who I met very little, enough to have a blast when those moments happened.
But then I got into the internet, and there I met a bunch of good friends and it was even more amazing, to be honest my last couple years of highschool can be summed up as "spending time talking to friends online ALL the time except my 4 hours of sleep.
Which was still awsome.
But now it's gotten to a point where I have so many close people to keep track of that I am losing my mind. I really dont mean it to sound as if "I dont care" about you all though. It's quite the opposite. I care about you all an awful ton. but you are so many. I have way too many people around me and the way I grew up to socialize with people was to fully commit to one person at a time. I Cant ever juggle the stuff that most people can nowadays, I've met some people who have IMs open and can chat with like 5 or 6 people at a time. my mind is incapable of it, in fact, it FEARS it. I've tried to for many years and I DESPISE IT.
to me, talking to a friend online is like going to their home/room and interacting with them. You CANT ask me to move from house to house juggling multiple convos at a time and expect me to keep up with each one of them in Real time. YES, I know thats what most people do nowadays, but I CANT!!!!
Atm I have like 80 something messages from so many friends and It piles up, and I dont know where to start!! And Yes, people say "just do it, just say Hi, or just take some time to tell people where you've been and what you've been up to." Well I CANT.
Because if I LOG in and people see that I'm online, EVERYBODY wonder where I've been and what I've been up to, and when I have personal projects and When I have spent time interacting with others Im gona have to somehow Explain it and Some people get jealous or feel lonely and are like "oh, I see you've been with this person, you could have told me". And It DRIVES ME NUTS Because It's SO UNFAIR. I DONT GET UPSET IF PEOPLE HANG OUT WITH OTHERS, THATS THEIR BUSINESS!!
I DONT Care At ALL Anymore How other people spend their time like, Because It's THEIR TIME!! The Same Way I REALY Appreciate That you guys wonder where I've been and what I'm doing and such, but I JUST want to be able to Say politely "Sorry I dont feel like telling you, I'm working on a personal secret project" or as simple as "It's none of your business"... But POLITELY... I WISH There was a way, Damn it...
"oh but I'm your close friend you can tell me I wont tell anybody". NO, ITS A SURPRISE for EVERYONE. ITS A PERSONAL PROJECT. I'll ask for feedback if I want to but just wanna work alone.
And when this happens with MULTIPLE People It becomes a nightmare. And The saddest part is that my Brain Inmediately Leans towards those people who I assume are more lonely and easily offended if I do something they dont like, over some people who i'd REALLY LOVe to spend more time with and talk to more often, but I dont because I know they wouldnt mind if I didnt talk to them for months. And they dont get angry, or upset, or feel lonely, they have a life. They know people get busy.
I wanna get busy. I Want to do things, I wanna try making videos, do more art, Start commissions seriously. i Want to do projects. I have so many things in mind... I Want to LIVE!!
But My mind lately has been Sttruggling to keep up with everyone, to the point where now more often than not I isolate myself in a cave and avoid IMs, and I'm a lot happier, I work better. I LIVE.
If any of my friends gets offended by this, I understand, I know why you'd get offended, I've been on that side before, feeling abandoned by people who one looks forward to a lot...
but I know why they did it now. I completely understand because I am in that situation now.
And This is who I am. I cant handle this, so I am going to live life as I am, as I want to live it. I dont Effing care anymore if This will hurt people. I dont mean to, but if I dont take a step, It's just going to et worse for me, and I dont want my life to be "feeling forced to please others daily". I want to please because I FEEL like it. not because of Fear of hurting others.
THE POINT IS:
I am an extremely introverted person who spends a LOT of energy socializing and LOVEs to spend time alone in their cave/room/home, wokring in peace. I am like that, I am a loner. Which explains why I am still single at the age of 30 and I'm not interested in a relationship just yet. I DO get lonely at times, but that is RARE.
I LOVE to spend time alone, and It has NOTHING to do with how people ARE around me, it's about Who *I* AM as a person, the way I grew up, and the way I do things. It's MY Fault.
I Love you all very much. you know who you are, guys.
And you are many. and I dont have enough time to stretch it for all of you + my family + my work. I cant do it, and I DONT wanna keep trying it because I will end up going insane.
Thank you for listening. If anybody's upset, so be it. I tried.
Once again, none of you did anything wrong. nobody is guilty of anything. It's as simple as that you guys are all too many and if I dont reply or appear it's because I have 16 people to reply to and only time for 3. my brain would rather not deal with any of it and be on my own. Because once I start chatting, I can only talk to one person at a time, and if I try to talk to as many people as I can, I will be there all morning until lunch, or all afternoon until sleep time.
so I Run and hide and do my own things that I dont want anybody to know about, which makes it worse, and the cycle evolves onto people wondering about my whereabouts and me not wanting to explain any of it.
And that's what happens. As simple as that.
and no, there's no simple solution. I've tried, for many many years, and it's always the same. so I give up. I wanna be on my own and I'm gonna deal with it the way I must.
Thank you for listening, and goodnight.
Sincerely, -Windy.
