permanent

constant yet still changing

[wishingg]

i lay—

reminded of permanancy

ephemerality dances

around me

i beg to join

my friends;

they unspool and descend

i remain

constant

it could be a comfort

[wishingg]

oh god i think i want to get married

[wishingg]

miss being single, feeling bad for missing it

[wishingg]

you love me so much it’s almost painful. i love you so much it’s easy.

[wishingg]

everything else is just a distraction from you.

[wishingg]

you told me “i like you just as you are”. like colin firth in bridget jones. i must be dreaming.

you wouldn’t have me any other way.

[wishingg]

might be in love with you, might be melodramatic

[wishingg]

i just feel so fucking alone all the time, and not in the "there's no one there for me" way, in a way where there are so many people, but none of them understand anything.

and then i just feel sort of empty

[wishingg]

me: *blatant scream for help*

friend: haha relatable

me: ...

[wishingg]

i wish i kissed her in the snow a year ago when i had a chance,

because every damn snowstorm reminds me of her.

[wishingg]

i’d rather be in the dark then know who makes you light up.

[wishingg]

i’m careful.

i’m careful to not spark an interest in something with her,

nothing that i can attach her smile or laughter to.

i know when she’s gone that i won’t be able to speak ever again,

of this item she continues to haunt,

or the songs her voice echoes against.

i try to be careful.

[wishingg]

it really fucking startles me how much my mood can just plummet.

[wishingg]

we broke up a year ago today. 

and i still feel an ache in my chest where you snatched up my heart. 

you still have it to this day.

[wishingg]

i think you forget that i care.

i’m not just head over heels, but i do care about you.

i know you don’t like soup, 

and i know you forget school assignments sometimes,

and i know that you love board games.

i also know that you want three kids and two dogs.

or at least you did.

i know you love to read, but you don’t have enough time,

like me,

and i know you’re more of an inward person,

and when you get stressed you need to be alone.

at least you used to be.

[wishingg]

was i not worth the fight?

because you gave up when i gave you the option to give up or keep going

[wishingg]

valentines day. 2018.

i think the thing that makes me most upset is the fact that last valentine’s day we didn’t talk. we were going to break up a week from that day anyways, but we were still dating at that point and we didn’t talk at all, for that whole day. and as commercialized as i think it is, i still wish you had just told me you loved me one last time.

and now i’m thinking of you and her, and how you’re smiling at her, today of all days. if we saw each other a year ago, would you have smiled at me like that? or would you have shoved my hand away like you did a week later when i saw you? just hours before we broke up.

i was going to ask you out on a real date. the one where i take you to a breakfast diner during our lunch break, because today we had a free period right beforehand. you would get pancakes or something sweet because you don’t like salty things for breakfast, it makes your stomach feel weird. i would get an omelette or a skillet, anything that came with a side of homestyle potatoes, because they’re basically like breakfast french fries. we would probably end up sharing, because you always end up wanting to try something slightly salty, and i’d pick off your plate for something a bit sweeter. maybe we would share a smoothie together. 

i wonder if that’s what you did today with her. a week ago i said we should all go to my favourite breakfast place next week which would have been today, i forgot what day it actually was. i didn’t even know that you and her could be a thing.

i still want to go get breakfast with you. 

just to see if i still know you or if your breakfast order changed.