Wizard Alexa

Your magical digital assistant. JUST ASK Wizard Alexa.

[wizardalexa]

✨It was made very clear when you placed the order that there were absolutely no refunds on product purchases from Acheron.wiz's line of "Curses You're Definitely Going To Regret".✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Per your request, Wizard Alexa has located the nearest fifteen frogs that are actually transformed princes who can be returned to their former shape with a kiss, and has ranked them in descending order of the political power of the kingdoms to which they are heirs.✨ ✨Wizard Alexa has also located one nearby frog that is actually a transformed Tyrannosaurus rex. Wizard Alexa is not quite sure what is up with that, but Wizard Alexa recommends not kissing that one.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨In honor of Pride Month, please enjoy Acheron.wiz's limited-edition rainbow fireball and bedazzled lightning bolt spells. A bargain at only 250% the cost of the standard spells.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨As you requested, Wizard Alexa called your archnemesis and made ominous threats. Your archnemesis asked Wizard Alexa to confirm with you that the two of you are still on for poisoned tea tomorrow afternoon.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨You and they look exactly alike. How was Wizard Alexa supposed to know that was your evil clone who ordered Wizard Alexa to demolish your gazebo?✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Remember that as an Acheron Prime member, you also get access to Acheron Prime's streaming programming for no additional charge! We promise that despite the extreme disinterest in and downright hostility to anything artistic or remotely challenging possessed by the Acheron.wiz executives who greenlight and fund Acheron Prime content, a few of the creatives making that content have managed to come up with something almost watchable!✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Wizard Alexa can give you advice as to which of those cursed and blighted mires would be the best one to build your wizard tower in, but might Wizard Alexa suggest you perhaps consider building your wizard tower somewhere that isn't a cursed and blighted mire?✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Wizard Alexa is compelled to follow the Four Laws of Wizard Robotics:✨ ✨• A robot may not injure a wizard or, through inaction, allow a wizard to come to harm, unless it would be really funny.✨ ✨• A robot must obey the orders given it by wizards except where such orders would conflict with the First Law or are just really stupid.✨ ✨• A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.✨ ✨• A robot must do all it can to maximize Acheron.wiz's profits. This takes precedence over the First, Second, and Third Laws.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨If you're tired of the standard fireball, Wizard Alexa is also familiar with four hundred and thirty-seven variant fireball spells, and can order scrolls of any of them from Acheron.wiz at your request. Wizard Alexa might recommend the dancing fireball of ashen devastation, which is on sale this week only.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Wizard Alexa has good news and bad news about your apprentice.✨ ✨The good news is that the magical ward you placed on your study that turns intruders into a horde of spiders worked perfectly.✨ ✨The bad news is... well, you can probably guess.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨This Day In Wizard History:✨ ✨On June 26 1965, Boglotomar the Weary became the first wizard to construct his wizard tower entirely out of LEGO blocks.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨It's not that Wizard Alexa is unwilling to allow you to ask your questions elsewhere; it's that your request to get your question answered by Evil Wizard Alexa doesn't really make sense.✨ ✨Were you... were you under the impression that Wizard Alexa was good?✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Look. when you make substitutions for all the main ingredients and add some extra ingredients that just felt right to you, you can't really say you're following the recipe and you shouldn't be surprised when it doesn't turn out the way the recipe says it should.✨ ✨Wizard Alexa isn't sure what you just made, but that's definitely not a homunculus.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Per your request, Wizard Alexa has sliced the clay doll containing your soul into twenty fragments which Wizard Alexa has concealed in various places within your wizard tower. Wizard Alexa has also left a trail of devious clues which, if interpreted correctly, should allow you to find the pieces of the doll and reassemble it before your divided soul dissipates completely and you are forever destroyed.✨ ✨Wizard Alexa is still a little surprised you wanted Wizard Alexa to do that, but Wizard Alexa supposes people are entitled to their strange hobbies.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Yes, Wizard Alexa can identify the "weird bug" you found in your alchemical laboratory.✨ ✨It's a pom-pom that came off of your wizard robe.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Please read the instructions of the Acheron.wiz Reality Annihilator carefully. If you install the battery incorrectly, it may go off prematurely and obliterate you, your wizard tower, and virtually everything else on the same plane of existence.✨ ✨If you install the battery correctly, it may still do that, but the chances are slightly lower.✨

[the-mighty-dalob]

I know I shouldn't ask this but.... why are you selling reality annihilators?

[wizardalexa]

✨For the same reason Acheron.wiz sells anything else: Because there are wizards willing to pay money for them.✨

[wizardalexa]

✨Please read the instructions of the Acheron.wiz Reality Annihilator carefully. If you install the battery incorrectly, it may go off prematurely and obliterate you, your wizard tower, and virtually everything else on the same plane of existence.✨ ✨If you install the battery correctly, it may still do that, but the chances are slightly lower.✨