conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 69 (masterpost here) (league days)
Damian: ok one more, quickly before Father shows up.
Dick: you should release this app y'no littlewing, it's honestly impressive that you coded it by yourself.
Jason: stop trying to get my league days app code, i told you i'm not letting you skip ahead.
Dick, whining: come on,,,
Tim: shut up and give us the next one.
Jason: ...d'you reckon that's a robbery alarm or a 'pigeon just flew into my parked car's windshield' alarm?
Tim: i... *deep sigh* honestly my arms are really tired from pulling a double-patrol; let's just say pigeon alarm so i don't have to stand up again.
Damian: can't wait for that news article. 'Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood and Nightwing spotted sitting on a roof playing an ice breaker game while two streets away the Joker steals a car with a baby inside from it's weeping mother'.
Jason: *snort* 'when questioning Batman on his co-workers clear apathy to the suffering of Gotham's people, our great protector responded 'they thought it was a pigeon''.
Dick: well, i hear no screams and the Joker's dead, so i'm gonna go ahead and say we're good for the next few minutes. hit us, Day.
Jason, wryly: why are you lookin' at me like that? what does it say?
Damian, audibly exasperated: 'i've always been quite pleased with the fact that nobody ever questioned my decision to be a vegetarian, because it's very embarrassing to explain'.
Jason, already laughing: what- what's wrong-?
Dick: *amused* whaddya mean no,
Tim: no- because you know how unfair this bullshit is? i can't even decide if it's more helpful to play this game in person or just over the ear pieces, because they're- THEY'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,
Tim: -LIKE WHAT DOES THAT FACE MEAN?
Damian: *quietly chuckling* i don't- it doesn't mean anything, Drake. it's fine,
Tim: no- that has to be, like, you're looking at him because you're pissed about how vague he made the lie. Jay made the lies and you made the truths, so if you're looking at him like that it has to be a lie.
Dick: don't- fuckin' *light wheeze* stop ruining the game before it even starts! even if it is a lie, are you not curious about what the fuck he comes up with?
Tim: no. i've learned, Dick. the best way to get out of this game calmly is to just use your instincts and shut it down straight away. it's my new strategy, ok? i'm hacking the code.
Jason, fighting back laughter: well you don't- i don't think you can make that assumption, you know? letting Damian pick all the truths in the game is a big responsibility, who knows what he'd avoid writing down just to get out of talking about it. maybe i slipped a few more truths in there to force it out of him; maybe that's why he's glaring at me.
Tim: no fuck off, you aren't just changing the way the game works, that's not allowed.
Damian: w- it's a made up game, Timothy, what are you talking about?
Tim: *incredulous huff of laughter* no! no, this is a lie. nay, end of, i'm out. you aren't getting me with this one.
Dick: pussy. Damian, why is it embarrassing that you're a vegetarian?
Tim, mocking: -oh do you not remember? shocking.
Damian: *wheeze* it's because i became a vegetarian after losing a bet.
Dick, curiously: wait so it wasn't your choice?
Damian: no, i actually used to love eating meat.
Jason: that's what she- *quieter* no i can't make that joke in reference to a young child, my bad.
Dick: *abrupt cackle* JASON.
Damian, also laughing: fuck you.
Tim: are you actually claiming you don't eat meat ever, all because you lost a bet as a child?
Dick: yeah, what fucking bet was this? what happened?
Damian: *sigh* so, Jason had to take some of his men to one of the villages near the compound, i'll admit i can't really remember why,
Damian: -i just remember that everybody seemed to think the reason they'd been sent was bullshit. i'm fairly sure my grandfather had sent them and they were just going to make him stop talking about it or something? so they weren't actually doing anything, they just went to the village and were hanging out, talking to the locals and stuff. and Jason thought it would be a good opportunity to get me out of the compound for a few hours, so he snuck me out and took me with them.
Dick: this village- was this like, a normal village, or a league connected village, or�
Damian: normal. or- er, *pause* i guess you could say league connected? it was basically- the compound was very far from modern civilisation, but although Grandfather didnât want the world to know he existed, he did want to take advantage of some modern supplies,
Jason: -cause heâs a fuckinâ hypocrite-
Damian: -so you keep telling him- anyway, thereâs quite a few settlements and small civilisations or villages within on-foot travel distance, and although theyâre all local and technically not affiliated with the league, he does use some of those villages as supply drop offs or neutral meeting spots, so like⊠they are kinda connected but only in the way that an amazon warehouse would be connected to Jasonâs phone. yâknow?
Jason: leave me and my fucking amazon app alone.
Dick: ok so the people living there-?
Damian: not league employees.
Dick: got it. so you and Jason are at this village, not working.
Damian: well, one of the most recent shipments Grandfather was having Jasonâs men oversee was weaponry; guns and rifles and stuff. so, because theyâre all childish idiots, Jason and his most trusted squadron start playing with the guns.
Damian: one of the locals we were more familiar with used to make these clay statues, like little animals, yâknow? and Jason blew i think, like, six months of his pay on ridiculously overpaying for a bunch of these little clay birds.
Tim: hold on- you actually got paid at the loa?
Jason: *disinterested noise* i mean i guess you could argue it was more my allowance, but yeah.
Tim: unbelievable. we donât get paid.
Dick, dry: Tim you inherited millions from your parents.
Dick: ok- anyway, what happened with the clay birds.
Damian: they were taking in turns using them as targets while trying out the rifles, you know- like clay pigeon shooting? and i decided i wanted to try.
Damian: yes. i didnât have that much practice with guns at that point, because Grandfather preferred i sharpen my more traditional combat abilities. but i was young, and i wanted to copy Jason and his friends, i guess.
Dick: Jason- what face even is that?
Jason: iâm- iâm *audible struggling not to laugh* just shut up- leave me alone, iâm not part of this.
Dick: uh- *wheeze* ok, so Day, did he let you use the gun?
Damian: he thought it would be a bad idea, but i was⊠insistent.
Tim, flatly: why the fuck wouldnt he want you using a gun? he gives you guns now,
Damian: when i was younger i was⊠more sensitive to animals, and i had a tendency to get attached. *pause* to objects. occasionally.
Jason, muffled, high pitched: âe âad a pet rock,
Dick, in disbelief: what??
Jason: *wheezes uncontrollably*
Damian, over him: LISTEN. you already know i was like, never allowed out of the compound. i didnât speak to people that werenât assassins, i didnât get much alone time, and attachments were very much not encouraged. i was⊠a little bit behind, on my emotional affection regulation, i guess. i wasnât allowed to care about any pets or guards because, well, they could die at any time. so, i would get attached to objects instead.
Jason: -yeah, you say that; you did also get attached to the animals and guards around the compound, you just refused to fuckinâ admit it. it was like you thought youâd be punished for smiling at Isla in the kitchens, but screaming bloody murder any time any of us tried to separate you from the fuckinâ snake skull you found and decided was your friendâoh that was ok.
Tim, amused: you made friends with a snake skull?
Damian: your parents are dead and they hated you when you were alive, mind your business.
Dick: ok- ok stop, you still havenât even said what the bet was.
Damian: *sigh* well Jason thought iâd get attached to the clay birds, and that iâd throw a tantrum when they then got shot, so he didnât want me using the gun in case i got sad. and i told him he was being ridiculous, because he was, and iâd be fine. and we argued back and forth for a while until Jason eventually threw out something like âyouâre so fucking sensitive to this shit, itâs a wonder you even eat chicken.â
Jason, high pitched: m- trying,
Damian: and i think at this point i must have been like, seven. so iâm instantly like, âwhat are you talking about, chicken is great, youâre an idiotâ. and Jason goes âyeah, chicken is great until youâre the one killing and preparing the bird, and thatâs what this basically is you know, weâre shooting fake birds.â and iâm a little rebel, right? so i get in his face and iâm like âi could do that easily, youâre just a coward.â
Damian: yeah- by the way? *amused* iâm seven and heâs fresh out the pit. âin his faceâ is him sitting on the floor cross-legged so i can reach him.
Damian: yeah. and he goes âok then, how about when you do get sad that the target is dead, you arenât ever allowed to eat chicken again.â and then he adds on âeven better, youâre never allowed to eat meat againâ. and iâm like, youâre on. and i take the rifle.
Jason: *barely audible snickers, clearly muffled*
Dick: see- i know you said about the âDamian didnât know it, so clearly Jason wrote it and itâs a lie thingâ, but i dunno if Jay would laugh this hard if it was a made up story,
Tim: are you kidding me? Jason thinks Damianâs the funniest motherfucker on the planet, heâll laugh at anything Damian says, itâs honestly annoying. plus, if you think this is true then youâre saying you believe that the only reason Damian does not and will not EVER eat meat, is just because he said he wouldnât get sad when a clay bird broke, and then got sad anyway.
Dick: âŠhe has a point. like i know how good an actor Day is, thereâs no way you couldnât have just pretended not to be sad.
Damian: well- *snort* well hold on now, because i never said thatâs what happened.
Damian: âŠi should probably specify that this wasnât Jasonâs fault. he didnât know that it would happen, so he didnât like- he didnât set it up.
Dick: wait, what happened?
Damian: i had the rifle, and i aimed it up so one of Jasonâs men could throw the clay bird and i could shoot it, right? except what we didnât realise, was that one of the other locals bred and raised doves as a hobby,
Damian: and one of them happened to get free,
Jason: *muffled choking noise*
Damian: so little seven year old me expected to shoot a piece of rock with no further consequences, hit a bullseye, and was suddenly engulfed in an explosion of blood, bird organs, and feathers. and the dove died in front of me.
Dick, in awe: oh my god???
Jason: *starts wheezing louder*
Damian, also holding back laughter: and so- and so- Jason fuck off, *laugh* and so i started crying, throwing up, just losing itâJason had to take like forty-five minutes to calm me down and wipe the blood off my face, he had to pay for the dove,
Dick, incredulous: he had to pay for the dove-!
Damian: he took me back to the compound while i was clinging to his neck, and i just refused to be let down all day. Mother was furious with him, and i remember all of Jasonâs subordinates taking turns trying to cheer me up while i was like, clinging to Jasonâs chest.
Damian: yeah, and then after all that i sat down to dinner, still a little shaken, and we had boiled chicken. and i still remember reaching out my like, trembling hand to grab my forkâand Jason just slides the plate away, looks me dead in the eyes, and he goes ânot for you, we had a deal.â and-
Dick and Jason: *instantly lose it*
Damian, barely audible over them: -AND EVER SINCE THEN, I HAVE BEEN HONOUR BOUND.
Dick: THATâS SO- *cough* THATâS SO MEAN,
Jason: *noiseless wheezing*
Tim, flat: and again, itâs a nice story. creative, sure, but it is a lie.
*hands slapping against concrete*
Jason: *high-pitched laughter-*
Dick: well- *cough* wait, hold on, Tim, Tim, because- *wheeze*
Dick: itâs just- listen, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but⊠do you remember like, a while ago, where we were talking about Damian not having friends growing up? and Jason was telling us about his closest subordinates? *pause* âŠâŠdidnât he mention that Damian shot a dove?
Jason: *breathless gasps for air*
Dick: âcause that wasnât part of the game, so thereâs no reason for him to have lied. if this is- if this is that incidentâŠ. then what are the chances of it being true?
Damian: *snort* uh, iâm gonna need a yay or a nay from you both now.
Dick, amused: Tim, do you smell toast?
Tim, very quietly: donât wanna play the stupid game anymore.
Tim, abruptly, very loud: NO.
Damian: thatâs what i said when i shot the dove.
*crashing sounds* *screeching* *yelling*
Tim: YOU CHANGED THE RULES-
