Hi, I just wanted to say your ask to Emungere is the reason I have fallen in to the Fedal rabbit hole - so thank you!! I would NEVER have looked them up if I'm not following the Hannibal fandom and her Tumblr. I know next to nothing about tennis in real life but two days ago I saw the hand holding and shirtless posts (among others) from you...My heart just goes to Rafa :D I am now completely converted and wanted to read/watch everything about them. Any suggestions where I should start? Thanks!
Welcome, anon!
I just joined two months ago myself, so I'm new too, but so far everyone on tennisblr has been lovely. I've also delved headlong into Fedal, and there is a ton of great content you can sink your teeth into. I'll put everything I know in this long post, but tennis mutuals feel free to jump in with more recs!
Tumblr peeps
Cool people to follow on tumblr <-everyone on @hubillusion's list is awesome
@tennisandlife is another awesome blog to follow, even though they stopped posting in 2020. I literally spent 3 hours going through their archive, there is SO MUCH quality Fedal content.
@tennis-out-of-context is also fun, although it's not exclusively Fedal content.
Books on Federer and/or Nadal
Rafa: My Story by Rafael Nadal and John Carlin. A must-read for any Rafa fan. Rafa in his own words, through 2011. What I love most is getting Rafa's insights into his own game, his approach and preparation for matches, his journey.
The Master: The Long Run and Beautiful Game of Roger Federer by Christopher Clarey. Probably the most comprehensive Federer biography to date, published in August 2021. Clarey traces the development of Federer from boyhood to 2020 in an attempt to figure out the how and why of Federer. Along the way you get a lot of insights into Roger's game, his team, but Roger himself still remains somewhat inscrutable and untouchable. Not unlike the man himself. If you contrast this to the confessional approach in Rafa, where you actually get into Rafa's head, you could make the argument that the distance in The Master is due to the difference between biography vs autobiography, but I also think it's very fitting for Rafa's personality vs Roger's. Still, given the challenge of the task, Clarey does a commendable job in attempting to unravel Federer. A must-read for any Roger fan.
Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal: The Lives and Careers of Two Tennis Legends by Sebastian Fest (2018). This was the third book I read, and I assumed that it would retread much of the content from the other two books, but I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, the book rehashes many of the key moments in their rivalry, such as Wimbledon 2008, but it also covers a lot of the behind-the-scenes things that the other two books don't--things like the ATP Players Council and Roger/Rafa's political fallout in 2011-12, Rafa's knee injuries and treatments, how the anti-doping measures impact players, etc. A good supplement that gives an interesting view into the challenges of being a professional tennis player.
I haven't read the following yet, but I'm hoping to get my hands on them soon:
Roger Federer: The Biography by Rene Stauffer
The Roger Federer Effect: Rivals, Friends, Fans and How the Maestro Changed Their Lives by Simon Cambers, Simon Graf
Fedegraphica: A Graphic Biography of the Genius of Roger Federer by Mark Hodgkinson
(I love Rafa, but you can probably guess which half of Fedal comes out on top for me)
Fanfics
I'm not going to recommend specific fics, but rather favorite writers on AO3. Any Fedal from these writers is awesome, you can't go wrong.
Mystivy - everything from mystivy is the best. I just finished reading the "Joy" series, which is simply beautiful. Only parts 1 and 2 are written; part 3 looks like it was never posted so it's technically an incomplete series.
emungere - you know emungere, so no need for me to explain how amazing her writing is. "Wild Card" is the fic I needed when I first dived into Fedal. You must be logged in on AO3 to view emungere’s tennis rpf.
rilla - "The Long Experience of Love" is probably my favorite Fedal fic overall, even though it's an abandoned WIP.
Serenade - mostly ficlets, but each one is incredibly insightful and makes you go "oof." “Tennis Is Not A Game You Play Alone” has my favorite line from any Fedal fic: Rafa met his gaze, dark eyes unreadable. "I would rather lose to you," he said, "than win everything in a world where you never exist."
eliane - I haven’t actually read any of eliane’s fics but I’ve seen multiple recs, so this is next on my to-read list. Must be logged in to read on AO3.
louise_lux - I also haven’t read any of louise_lux’s solo work, but I read the joint fics she co-wrote with emungere and they were fuckin’ hot. Also on my to-read list.
Video
Strokes of Genius - feature-length documentary of the 2008 Wimbledon final. You can find it on YouTube (here's one link but not sure it works. I watched it on these links: part 1, part 2, part 3) Also the Rafa and Roger bonus features.
Rafael Nadal Academy - 4-episode documentary series on Amazon Prime. Takes you into the daily life and operations of Rafa’s tennis academy in Manacor. You meet the staff there and follow the stories of 8 students who are pursuing their tennis dreams. And of course you see Rafa in the episodes too, but it’s primarily about the academy. I wish they would do a season 2.
The bazillion videos from 2017, 2019, and 2022 Laver Cup on YouTube. Fedal played doubles in 2017 and 2022, and were supposed to play doubles in 2019 but Rafa got a wrist injury.
Roger Federer: Everywhere Is Home: documentary of Federer’s 2019 Latin America exhibition tour, produced by ESPN: Vimeo
Roger Federer: The Reunion: documentary of the 2020 Match in Africa charity exhibition match with Rafael Nadal. Available for rent or purchase on Vimeo
NBC/Credit Suisse documentary about the art installation project that Roger was part of: Portrait of a Champion
Rafa Nadal Academy’s Instagram has tons of videos and photos of Rafa as well. Here’s a video about when Roger visited the Academy for its grand opening in October 2016. You can find other videos from the grand opening on YouTube, like the press conference and speeches.
I want to say that there’s a 20-min or 40-min documentary about Federer vs Nadal in the 2017 Australian Open produced by AO Films or something like that, but I can’t find it now. :( Maybe other tennisblr folks can help? Found it!
YouTube also has highlights or full matches online. I recommend 2008 Wimbledon final, 2017 Australian Open final, and 2019 Wimbledon semifinal, and their associated press conferences/interviews.
Miscellaneous
ASAP Sports Transcripts does the English transcripts of pre & post-match press conferences for multiple sports, including tennis. Here’s the archive of Federer’s press conference transcripts and here’s Nadal’s.
Rafa’s diary from his old website (copied by someone on LiveJournal for posterity).
I read somewhere that Rafa wrote a couple of tour diaries or blogs for the ATP tour way bay when as well, but I can’t find them. Tennis mutuals, any help? Is that the same as the link to Rafa’s diary from his old website?
Rafa Nadal Fans website - I haven’t really looked at this, but at first glance it looks like a ton of Rafa content.
Stalk Follow them on official social media accounts for Roger, Rafa, Severin Luthi, Rafa Nadal Academy, etc.
Tons of interviews and articles from major publications such as New York Times, Sports Illustrated, GQ, you name it. Just google “Roger Federer cover story” or “Rafael Nadal interview.” There’s also the tons of interviews and articles in Spanish, French (L’Equipe), German (Blick, Tages-Anzeiger), etc, some of which you can translate on Google Translate.
I'm sorry I was rewatching Federer Nadal's presser after the 2022 Laver Cup retirement and boy were these two spitting bars??
The kind of insane shit they're spouting to a sports journalist??
"When Roger leaves, and important part of my life leaves with him."
"And I know how important it was for my wife (Mirka) to have me finish my career with Rafa"
"To think that we'll never get the chance to play each other again in the world's biggest stage with that crowd behind us, it's... it's tough to accept."
"I'm so honoured to be a part of this campaign with my greatest rival, and today, a close friend."
"But, Rafa you'll miss him?"
"Of course."
Netflix is sitting on a fcking goldmine of a rivalry biopic here hello?
Thinking about how everyone’s like “Ilya is clearly so experienced and confident during their first hookup” vs Jacob Tierney’s “ppfffft, he’s eighteen, how experienced can he be? He’s sucked like one (1) dick.”
So clearly Ilya is bluffing his way through this, and yes he’s more experienced than Shane is but not by thaaat much, and that got me thinking about how confidence and nonchalance and bluster are Ilya’s masks, his defense against a culture that values toxic masculinity and heteronormativity. Thinking about how he might’ve developed these masks in particular based on what his childhood was like. Clearly he takes after his mother and his brother takes after his father. He had to learn to mask his feelings early on, to protect himself from his father. He learned how to hide them by watching his mother, her blank face when his father would make cutting remarks.
But the bluster and confidence he learned somewhere else, because he never does that with either his brother or his father. He’s defensive with them, not projecting confidence at all (probably because he knows they will see this as a challenge/disrespectful, it will enrage them, and him being the smallest/youngest means he knows he can’t risk their rage).
We see the bluster and confidence mostly in the context of sports, so this is probably something he learned at school and/or sports. He was probably athletically gifted from a young age, which would’ve probably inspired jealousy from some of the other boys. Ilya probably learned early on that backing down or shrinking himself did not protect him from their bullying or jealousy, so he had to do the opposite: call them out, turn the tables on them so that they would be too embarrassed to continue bullying him. But not do it in a way that truly pissed them off, because then they might try to gang up on him after practice when everyone was gone. It’s a fine needle to thread—to insult someone enough to make them stop but not enough to make them an enemy. That’s how Ilya develops his chirping ability and his bluffing skills. Yes, he’s confident because he knows he’s talented and clearly better at hockey than anyone else, so a majority of that confidence is genuine. But even when he’s not confident, he can fake it because that’s what he’s been doing his whole life.
Can we talk about the assumption that Shane isn’t a good captain or strong leader of the Voyagers just because he’s by nature kinda quiet, introverted, and anxious? (And autistic. And half-Asian)
“Not the most sociable” the announcer says in the first two minutes of the show.
I think everyone accepts that Shane is the Montreal captain because he’s the best player, he’s highly media-trained, he’s their first line center, he’s the star, he’s very even-tempered and unlikely to start shit or get into trouble that would reflect poorly on the team. Those are all good, reasonable, and common reasons to make someone the captain, and Shane should get credit for all that.
But I think Shane also has strong interpersonal leadership skills that we should talk about more. He’s not loud and in your face like Ilya is with the Bears. He’s not a hype man; that seems more like JJ’s role in the TV show. But there’s more than one way to be a good leader, and yes, quiet/introverted/autistic people can be good leaders.
For starters, if you think Shane wouldn’t approach leading a hockey team with the same intensity, focus, preparation and practice as he approaches all other aspects of the game, then you don’t know Shane. That man is definitely reading books about sports leadership, sports psychology, biographies of great leaders in sports, and applying those concepts. He spent his first few seasons watching his own captain and captains of other teams interact with players, refs, coaches, etc and he imitated/incorporates the behaviors that he likes into his own repertoire. He spends his time as an A practicing and refining these skills. By the time he has the C, he has an entire toolbox that he can deploy in various situations. If he fucks up a social interaction—or even if he just thinks he could’ve handled a situation better—he’s dissecting it and making adjustments just like he would if he had fucked up a pass.
This man has a 7-point leadership framework in his head and he is evaluating himself ruthlessly against all the criteria and constantly making improvements.
The second thing is that we know Shane is a very caring person. He cares about the Pikes, he cares about Ilya, and this shows up as a genuine interest in their lives and how they’re doing or feeling. Maybe he’s not the most perceptive person and he definitely has big blind spots as we see in TLG, but that isn’t for lack of caring. If we think about how this might translate in a leadership style, then maybe Shane isn’t the type to jump on a bench and scream “let’s fucking GOOOO!!!” but maybe he’s the type to sit down next to a teammate who’s been quieter than usual, give him a shoulder bump and go “hey man, what’s going on? I haven’t seen you this quiet since Coach asked which of us motherfuckers set off the smoke alarm in Detroit.” He’s not a big speech person—although he does public speaking all the time—and he’s quiet in groups, preferring to let others talk, but he’s great at one-on-ones and the guys appreciate him for that.
Third, the team trusts him and respects him. He earns their trust and respect by leading by example, holding himself to the same or higher standards as he holds his team, working harder than anyone else, and leading with integrity. He brings out the best in them because they want to earn his trust and respect in return, so they try harder. When he tells you “good job,” you know he means it and he’s not just saying it. When he glares at you, you know you fucked up majorly.
The team loves him, not because he’s their buddy who drinks and goes out to clubs with them*, but because he’s their captain and a damn good one at that.
*I firmly believe Shane does go out with his team, he buys rounds for the guys (and ginger ale for himself), he destroys them at darts, he ribs the guys when a girl approaches one of them, etc because even though clubs and bars aren’t his thing, he knows it’s part of “being a good captain” and “bonding with his team” so he takes that very seriously. The flip side is that because he’s The Captain and he’s good guy Shane Hollander, there are a subset of guys who will make different plans and go out on nights when Shane isn’t hosting a team outing because they don’t want him cramping their style or watching them do shady shit. Shane is aware of this, but there’s nothing he can do about it except remind everyone about curfew. He is not surprised when, years later, that it’s the members of this subgroup who are the most vocal haters in the Voyagers locker room.
I don’t like when people dismiss Shane’s bond and community with the metros. I think it undermines the earth shattering betrayal of their abandonment of him
(and also the implication that the autistic guy can’t be a member or good leader of his community rubs me the wrong way idk)
like, if the metros were just coworkers to Shane, then yes their reaction to him coming out would still be incredibly painful, but it’s infinitely more impactful if we actually internalise the fact that Shane spent over a decade with these men.
In that time they travelled together, shared bedrooms, trained together, lost together, won together, partied together….
inevitably those are bonding experiences. Spending that much formative time with other young men who share your passion on life? Who share the overwhelming and alienating structure of you life?
of course that’s your fucking family! And Shane is the best of them! While I totally buy the fact that he’s kind of reserved, introverted, intense, odd etc, that’s their fucking captain and living legend!
Shane was the foundation of that team. Maybe not the most noticeable, but always reliable, always uncompromising and always appreciated.
The metros wouldn’t have been able to be goddamn 3x cup winners if they weren’t predominantly a well oiled, supportive and collaborative team.
and it’s THAT that makes their betrayal so fucking heartbreaking. They betrayed thousands of hours of bonding, heartbreaking failures, unimaginable celebration, and a decade of lives lived with Shane as a permanent beloved fixture for their bigotry.
Shane isn’t just mourning his coworkers and the abstract way their hatred bars him from his passion.
His passion has faces, and they’re named Drapeau and Pike and Boiziau and Mittka and Comeau and the Montreal Metros.
*slow clap* Losing the Metros is definitely in the top 3 worst case scenarios for Shane of coming out or being outed, behind losing hockey in general and losing his parents, and we need to talk about that more. I hope Jacob Tierney digs into that in season 2.
Shane doesn’t realize he looks Like That because, despite being ranked as #1 Hottest Player in the MHL and getting numerous sponsorships, he thinks “it’s not like I get treated any differently in my daily life because of my looks, people aren’t throwing themselves at me left and right, so it must not be a big deal.”
But the thing is, people DO throw themselves at Shane left and right, he just doesn’t realize it.
The Voyagers are at a club and girls are eyeing him like the last steak in a tiger enclosure, but Hayden is about to bang his head on the table because Shane is in his usual Captain mode and paying zero attention to the girls. A few of the bolder ones approach him but he’s like “Hi, can I help you?” and “oh sorry, I’m on duty right now, I can’t leave my team” and Hayden gives up, he just can’t anymore. Jackie will need to step up and find this man a girl cuz Shane ain’t gonna do it on his own.
At brunch with Rose, the waiter is checking him out hardcore and smiling flirtatiously. Rose teases him about it, and Shane is like “???? He’s just doing his job? Isn’t it his job to be friendly?”
Years later, Hayden and Rose are trading war stories of Shane being oblivious to human attraction and Ilya’s just like, *shrug* you just need to be clear and direct with him, and Rose and Hayden both stare at him like “what do you mean?”
And that’s how they learn that the way you get through to Shane about your intentions is you have to jerk off at him while looking him in the eye.
Hey. Look at me. Please leave yourself a note somewhere you'll see it later that says "it is going to take years if not decades to get the United States government to the level of functionality it had in November of 2024." If we elect a democrat in 2028, we are not going to be up and running by 2032.
Please make sure you have a reminder in your phone reminding you to not look at 2028/32/36 Democratic candidates and say "why are they not promising/delivering Cool Shit?" because you are going to understand that to get Cool Shit we must have competent people running a decently funded government, and we are not going to have that.
We are not getting UBI. We are not getting single payer healthcare. We are not getting free college or free preschool. We are not redistributing wealth on a large scale. We are not getting free internet. We are not getting ranked choice voting.
If we are lucky, we are going to get an IRS that can collect taxes, qualified schoolteachers, research grants, Social Security, and a government that thinks maybe it should be a priority for people around the worlds to not have AIDS, malaria or TB.
To be clear, I don't mean we should forget or take our eyes off the ultimate long-term goals of getting Cool Shit, but to get there, we're gonna have to support things like "half-measures" and "small steps" and "not tearing down people who won't get us all the way there" and "understanding that they are starting from the basement basically because every government institution is being decimated"
in other words: don't repeat what you just did to biden.
it happens every. single. time and not just in the us, it's happening right now in the uk: a right wing government runs a country into the ground so bad that their own voters can't support them anymore, so next time a leftist / centrist government is elected. they barely have the time to build the key institutions back up and stabilize the economy before voters who refuse to acknowledge subtle improvements or value strong foundations that can be built upon go "sure, you stopped the roof from leaking and fixed the plumbing and we have reliable electricity now, but those are not flashy enough! why didn't you bring us utopia from a rubble in 4 years?" and vote back the right wingers who of course wreck everything again as they promised they would while the same voters make the surprised pikachu face
Thinking about how there’s one thing about Shane that Ilya has never seen in the entire decade+ of their relationship: Shane’s pregame routine.
He’s never seen Shane do it before because they’ve never shared a locker room before. They’ve never been on the same team before they get married and Shane joins the Centaurs. The 2017 All-Stars game doesn’t count because that’s an exhibition game, it’s essentially a pickup hockey game except it’s among the world’s best players, everyone is going at maybe 70% effort and no one plays defense, so Shane didn’t bother with his full pregame prep for that. Yes, he did all of his dynamic stretching and warm ups and gear stuff, and that was fascinating for Ilya to watch, but it wasn’t the full pregame routine because he didn’t do the mental prep.
The first time Ilya gets to witness Shane’s entire pregame routine in all its glory is once he joins the Centaurs. That first game is seared into Ilya’s memory, and one big reason is because watching Shane mentally lock in and transform from husband Shane—who smiles softly at Ilya and likes to curl up in the corner of the couch with his glasses and a book and Anya’s head in his lap—to hockey god Shane fucking Hollander is….
Ilya knows husband Shane and he knows #24 Shane Hollander, but he’s never seen how Shane transforms from one to the other and he needs to take a few deep breaths because he’s never been this horny in his entire life.
The “do you want to know how it feels, holding the cup?” is genuinely such a fucking cunty comment and all Shane does is throw his underwear at Ilya and then grin like he’s so proud of himself.
What I’m saying is this, sometimes Ilya will say something to Shane in front of the Centaurs that makes the whole locker room freeze up because if they said that shit to their own partners, they would be in the doghouse for months. But Shane will just shove Ilya or punch him in the shoulder and then they grin at each other like it was the funniest shit ever.
They learn the hard way that although there seems to be no boundry to what Ilya can chirp Shane with, the same does not apply to anyone else. If anyone makes a comment to Shane that is deemed not appropriately playful, you will be facing the wrath of his husband and you will wish you were dead.
See, the thing is that even though Ilya loves to rage bait Shane and say cunty things like “Do you want to know how it feels, holding the cup?”, he is never cruel or mean. He never says anything that would actually hurt Shane, he never goes for the jugular. And that’s because the chirping is meant almost as a backwards compliment to Shane. He can say “Do you want to know how it feels, holding the cup?” BECAUSE he knows (and Shane knows, and Shane knows that Ilya knows) that Shane will likely/definitely hold the cup one day himself. Shane even replies “I’ll know for myself soon enough.”
Imagine if Ilya said that to someone who wasn’t Shane, like maybe someone on an AHL team who has pretty much zero chance of ever winning a Stanley Cup. Then Ilya would be a total asshole who is trying to make the AHL player feel shitty. It’s an asshole move because the power dynamics are different: star MLH player taunting AHL player about something they want but will never get.
But no, Ilya’s saying this to Shane, BECAUSE he knows just how good Shane is and knows that Shane will definitely win at least one cup at some point. It’s almost like an in-joke: I know you’re good, you know you’re good, but I’m a chaos gremlin and a competitive little shit so I’m gonna rub it in your face a little that I got there before you did, just to get a reaction out of you. But the joke hinges on the fact that Ilya thinks Shane is amazing, they are equals, and it wouldn’t work otherwise.
Rinse, lather, repeat for all of his other digs at Shane, i.e. “this slow fucking player” only works because Shane is incredibly fast, “with a weak backhand” only works if Ilya has the best backhand in the league and Shane has the best forehand and the second-best backhand, etc. He wouldn’t say this to Shane if Shane was actually kinda slow or had been frustrated with his backhand. They’re both in on the joke, and it’s one way they can bridge the competitive divide between them. It acknowledges “hey, we’re the two best players in the world, and it’s lonely at the top, except now we have these little jokes that acknowledge our competitive sides and the fact that I really want to beat you, but also tie us together, because no one else can make these jokes except us.”
And this translates to how Ilya chirps on the ice. He’s an absolute menace to everyone, but never uses slurs or something actually hurtful. He’s a menace but he’s not Dallas fucking Kent in any way.
Haven’t cross checked with canon tbh, but it’s firmly in my headcanon and in most of the fanfic i read :P
Speaking of Kent, I think Ilya would ABSOLUTELY say some devastating chirps to Kent. I feel like that’s how you know Ilya actually Hates you. He doesn’t hate Scott Hunter, because really, the worst thing he has to say about Scott essentially boils down to “you’re old”? Pfffft. That’s nothing.
But Ilya fucking HATES Kent, so he would absolutely say the most cutting things to him and mean it. And the thing with high empathy people like Ilya is they know exactly where the insecurities and sore spots are and what would be absolutely devastating.
ALSO. yuna doesn't have a career. i mean she is shane's manager but otherwise. i think it's mentioned she and david met in college? can't remember. but either way, she clearly had a life pre-shane, and that life possibly did not include being a stay-at-home mom. she likely has a higher ed degree of some kind. and so she has shane and thinks you know, i'll go back to work in a year. and then shane is... different. shane's not hitting his milestones. shane won't hold eye contact. shane takes forever to talk. shane panics over deviations to routine. shane can't stand strangers. so what, she's going to hire a babysitter? shane wouldn't be able to handle that. and she's not gonna go get a diagnosis because there's nothing WRONG with her baby but also her baby needs maybe a lot more care than anyone was anticipating. so it looks like yuna's not going back to work, looks like cutting carrots into perfect cubes so shane will eat them is now her job forever. and then shane likes hockey, he doesn't just like it he LOVES it. and like oh my god, finally something for yuna to DO.
100% agree with this headcanon by @milominderbindered! Yuna is a very driven person. She does what needs to be done and she does it well. That’s where Shane gets his drive and perfectionism from. Not to say that David isn’t ambitious or career-oriented, but to me it’s clear that Yuna is an overachiever and David is much more laid back. Given that, I doubt Yuna would give up her career to be a stay-at-home mom to Shane. She would be bored out of her mind and chewing the bars of her enclosure.
But once hockey becomes more like a business for Shane, where it’s not just driving him to practice or making sure he packed all his gear but actual business requiring reading contracts, negotiations, managing sponsors, managing interview requests, etc, then I could see Yuna leaving her career to become Shane’s momager. But that probably doesn’t happen until Shane is like, 12? 14? I don’t know at what age brands start signing athletes, but they’re probably not sponsoring a 6-year-old is my point. So that’s at least a DECADE where Shane is playing hockey and being a kid and not really needing a manager, just a parent who will drive him to his games and take him to the sporting goods store when he needs more tape. I don’t see Yuna leaving her career for that.
Also agree that Yuna’s career probably was in the advertising/marketing/business sector. That woman knows contracts and branding, she is in her ELEMENT when talking to Reebok and Rolex.
AU where Shane is gay but Ilya is straight. Shane still introduces himself to Ilya at World Juniors and Ilya still notices him, because of course he does, Hollander is his main competition and also there’s something interesting about this guy who shakes his hand twice.
But the joint CCM shoot never happens, it’s just Ilya in the ad campaign because it doesn’t occur to him to orchestrate a way for him to see Hollander again so soon.
Room 1410 never happens.
But the draft happens, and of course they’re aware of each other the whole time. They’re the first and second picks, they’re drafted to rival teams, the media keeps building this narrative around them, so of course Ilya’s is hyper aware of Hollander. Ilya feels Hollander’s eyes on him and he looks back.
The gym encounter still happens. Ilya goads Hollander on the bike because he likes to push people’s buttons. That part hasn’t changed. Afterward he still offers Hollander his water bottle but he doesn’t brush his fingers against Hollander’s. He’s still not sorry for going first in the draft.
He does, however, note that Hollander does what he tells him to (“drink”) and that this does something to Ilya’s insides.
Their first All-Stars, and Hollander taps his foot and helps him out with the difficult questions, and Ilya is grateful and taps his foot back in thanks. Hollander is a nice guy, a little intense and a little boring and a little…something. There’s something there that Ilya is beginning to suspect. They don’t really know each other, except for the fact that Ilya loves playing against Hollander the most, Hollander is the only one who can push Ilya, and Ilya loves a challenge. It’s no fun winning if the other side doesn’t even put up a decent fight. Hollander never backs down on the ice, and that makes Ilya want to push him more. It makes him want to assert himself more, hold that check just a little longer, press Hollander into the boards a little firmer, use his body to make Hollander submit to his hold. The fact that Hollander fights back every time makes Ilya’s grin go sharp and pleased.
Years pass, the media doesn’t let the rivalry narrative go, but Ilya doesn’t actually hate Hollander, and he doesn’t think Hollander hates him either. They don’t talk much and they don’t have each other’s numbers so they don’t text either. Ilya still fucks his way through half of Boston and a good portion of North America. He doesn’t hear about Hollander with anyone. Hollander always tells the media that he’s not looking for a relationship and is focused on his hockey. Which makes sense, except for the way he looks at Ilya when he doesn’t think Ilya is watching.
They don’t see each other at Sochi because of course not. Russia crashes out, Ilya is having a shit time, thank god he still has Sveta. There is no Sasha, or Sasha is still his old coach’s son and maybe Ilya even knows that Sasha is gay but nothing ever happened between them and it’s none of Ilya’s business.
Ilya wins the cup in 2014. They present the sportsmanship award together but when Hollander stalks off afterward, Ilya doesn’t follow. He still chirps Hollander about “do you want to know how it feels, holding the cup?” but he does it the next time he sees Hollander, which is during puck drop at the first Boston-Montreal game of the new season, not in a Las Vegas penthouse. Hollander still tells him to fuck off and that he’ll know soon enough for himself. They grin at each other because they are both assholes and the media is right, they do have a rivalry going on, and maybe a friendship or kinship too, Ilya thinks. After all, they’ve been inextricably linked together at the top of the league for five years now. They’re the two best players in the world, and only they know what that’s like. But when he looks back at Hollander again, Hollander’s grin has dropped and his lips are pressed thin like he is holding himself back from saying something, and Ilya doesn’t have time to wonder what that means before the ref drops the puck and Hollander is off, fuck.
More time passes. Shane never goes to Rozanov’s house in Boston because there’s nothing going on between them in this universe. JJ still calls his captain to come to his friend’s restaurant where the cast of X-Squad is hanging out, and Shane goes because he’s trying to be a good captain and show up for his teammates. (And maybe he is lonely and tired of sitting in his apartment alone.) He meets Rose, they hit it off, and they start dating. Rose still clocks his gay ass. At the restaurant where she gently asks him if he’s ever been with a man before, Shane shakes his head, but there’s a hesitation there, an asterisk that Rose asks about. And that’s when she discovers the years long unrequited crush Shane has had on his straight rival, and it’s the saddest fucking thing Rose has ever heard.
(Yes, technically Shane has been with a man before, if you count a handful of blowjobs in random bathrooms over the years, but it’s not like he can safely pick up a guy when his face is plastered across half the billboards in Canada. And unlike Scott Hunter, who is a tall white guy in a sea of tall white guys, Shane is kinda memorable, so no way in hell is he picking up randos on a regular basis.)
Rose being Rose, she immediately switches gears from girlfriend to best friend and invites Shane back to her place to drown his sorrows in so much wine. Shane still doesn’t drink during the season but fuck it, he makes an exception just this once, and he pours his heart out and they both cry and Shane wakes up on the couch with Rose drooling on his shoulder and the worst hangover ever. Rose offers to keep up the appearance of their relationship for the press, because it gets the pressure off both of them and it’s not like it’s a chore to hang out with Shane, she genuinely likes spending time with him. Shane says sure, why not, and feels grateful to have an excuse now when girls approach him at clubs and restaurants.
It works for a while, except his mom is a little overexcited to meet Rose at some point, Hayden keeps asking when Shane is going to bring Rose around so Jackie can feed her, and the rest of his teammates keep slapping him on the back and waggling their eyebrows at him whenever a trailer for Rose’s newest film comes on, but he can deal with that.
What he can’t deal with is seeing Rozanov at All Stars in Tampa. Rozanov at the bar asking him about Rose and Shane is lying through his teeth, as if Rozanov isn’t the one he’s had all these feelings for all this time that he can’t name and can’t do anything about. And maybe confessing everything to Rose was a mistake, because now that he’s named this thing that he feels, he can’t unname it. He can’t let it out but he can’t keep it in either. And he’s about to play on the same team as Rozanov for the first time in two days, and share a locker room with him, and he’s the captain and Rozanov is his A, and Shane can’t fucking do this. He bolts from the bar, and he can feel Rozanov’s eyes on him as he flees.
(He doesn’t hire a stylist, but Rose takes him shopping.)
Things are tense between them in a way that is different from before, because in the early years Shane could pretend that his feelings for Rozanov were professional admiration and nothing more. Even when that started sounding thin to his own ears, he could tell himself that his…fixation on his rival didn’t mean anything. Of course he would feel this way about Rozanov, the man was objectively attractive and magnetic, anyone would feel drawn to him like a satellite caught in his orbit, unable to escape his gravitational pull. This said nothing about Shane himself. But by the time he met Rose, the pull he felt had progressed beyond mere gravity to a sprawling black hole that threatened to absorb all the defenses Shane had built to contain this. Rose’s kindness and empathy had been the catalyst for total emotional collapse, and Shane didn’t know what to do now that all of his self-preservation lies were gone. And then Rozanov had asked him about Rose in Tampa and said “Good for you, Hollander, I was starting to think maybe you didn’t like girls” and Shane’s heart stopped, and he doesn’t remember what he said in response, he just knew that he needed to get out of there before he said or did something truly stupid, like say “no I don’t, actually, which I just realized from Rose, but I do like you and I think I’ve felt this way for a long time, maybe even from when we first met, even though I didn’t realize what that feeling was back then.” Shane flees before he says any of that and avoids Rozanov’s eyes for the remainder of the All Stars weekend.
Except of course he can’t do that on the ice when they’re on the same team, on the same line. Rozanov is giving him concerned looks, eyebrows pinched, but Shane ignores that and pushes through because that’s what he always does. He can get past any obstacle if he just tries hard enough, and this is no different. At least, that’s what he tells himself.
But he can’t ignore the electric thrill of playing on the same line with Rozanov, the way they move like they’ve been circling each other for years (they have) and the way their passes connect as if they’ve spent their whole careers understanding how the other plays (they have). Rozanov has always had this aura of strength and will and dominance on the ice that Shane loves to push against, but playing on the same line as Rozanov is completely different. Instead of hard checks into the boards and a physical wall to fight past, Shane is met with that power at his side or behind him, pushing him forward, pulling him faster up the ice. It’s like having a steadying hand on the back of his neck, a guiding hand at his waist. He knows that if he looks, Rozanov is there to catch him, catch his passes. He can trust Rozanov to be there, to read him right and be where he needs him to be. It’s a heady feeling. It’s freeing and terrifying all at once.
It’s something Shane desperately wants but cannot have.
After that, he avoids Rozanov as much as he can. He tells himself that it’s for his own good. He knows nothing could ever happen between them. There has never been an out gay player in the MLH, and even if there were, it’s a moot point because Shane might be gay but Rozanov is definitely straight and he knows nothing could ever come of this, even if their situations were different.
He knows he’s doing a shit job of hiding all this because Rozanov looks at him funny during the next Montreal-Boston game. Shane ignores the question in his eyes, because he cannot afford to think that Rozanov might care about him. He’s ignoring Rozanov so hard that he doesn’t see the hit coming from Marlow.
Rozanov visits him in the hospital and apologizes for the hit, captain to captain and sportsman to sportsman. Shane can’t handle it, his defenses are down, all the layers of professionalism and politeness and rivalry he built between them have been stripped away, and he ends up saying something like “I didn’t think you cared” or maybe “I keep hoping that you care about me the same way I care about you.” He’s not quite sure what comes out of his mouth because he’s too focused on trying to get his heart rate down before it sets off the monitor’s alarm, but whatever it is, it must’ve been too much, too naked, because Rozanov’s brows go up in surprise and he looks thrown off, expression open as it rarely is, and oh shit, what did Shane just say?
Mercifully the nurse comes in at that moment and the tension in the room is broken. Rozanov’s face slips back behind his usual mask, he makes a self-deprecating joke to the nurse, we and he leaves.
A silver lining to being out for the rest of the season is that Shane doesn’t see Rozanov again after that.
The Admirals win the cup that year and Scott Hunter sends shockwaves across the sport by kissing his boyfriend on the ice. The MLH Awards are abuzz and there is an undercurrent of tension as the league comes to terms with having an out gay player. Shane is about to vibrate out of his skin because everyone keeps asking him how he feels about the “Scott Hunter thing” when they really mean “the gay thing” and he knows that people are asking him because he’s Canada’s golden boy and people look to him to say the right thing and set the example. He wishes he had used his injury as an excuse to skip the awards this year, because he has to keep his expression schooled and camera ready the whole night, but as soon as he finishes presenting his part, he pushes past all the backstage handlers and milling players and executives to escape to an empty bathroom.
He doesn’t notice that Rozanov is one of the people he pushes past, not until the bathroom door opens behind him and Rozanov is there, following him in and locking the door.
Shane is trapped, and he doesn’t want to do this right now, not when he’s so brittle that the slightest thing will cause him to crack. But Rozanov looks at him like he wants answers to what the hell is going on, so Shane throws out the only thing he can.
“What the fuck do you want from me, Rozanov?” he practically snarls, because anger is good, anger is safe.
Rozanov looks at him and shrugs, not saying anything, just looking at him. Shane fights the urge to fill the silence, knowing that’s exactly what Rozanov wants him to do.
”Go back out there, Rozanov, I don’t need you in here,” Shane tries again.
Rozanov watches Shane pace in the small space and run his hand through his hair and bite his lips. He shifts his weight and says, “You said you need me.”
Shane freezes. Rozanov watches him intently for every little reaction, every tell.
“At the hospital,” Rozanov continues, and Shane’s hands are shaking, he can’t meet Rozanov’s eyes. “You said you need me. What did you mean?”
“Nothing,” says Shane, because what else could he say? “It was nothing.”
Rozanov looks at him like Shane is insulting his intelligence, and that pisses Shane off.
“It was nothing because there can never be anything!” he yells, rounding on Rozanov. “Is that what you want me to say? Do you need me to spell it out for you? That Hunter isn’t the only gay player in the league? Is that what you want me to say?”
Rozanov stands there like an unmovable rock, face unreadable, watching Shane fall apart. Shane feels young and dumb and so, so tired.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says quietly, hands dropping to his sides, all of his fight collapsing out of him at once. “It doesn’t matter what I need from you. We’re not compatible, not in that way.”
Ilya looks at him consideringly, taking in the red bitten lips and red rimmed eyes, the tightly coiled way Hollander is holding himself, braced for the consequences of his confession. He’s not shrinking away, just braced for the disgust or rejection he knows is coming. It’s very brave of him, to put himself out there like this and not shrink away. Ilya thinks about what he wants to do with this confession. He doesn’t want to fuck Hollander, but he doesn’t want to see the fear in his eyes either. No, that won’t do. Ilya needs Hollander to be strong and whole, because if Hollander crumbles, then Ilya will be alone at the top, and he can admit to himself that the prospect of being alone on the ice and alone in his life is not something he’s brave enough to face.
He looks at Hollander, really looks, reading him the way Ilya has always been able to read people—seeing their fears, their desires, their needs. (He doesn’t think about why he learned how to read people’s moods and intentions early on as a child, why he developed this as a survival skill.) Hollander doesn’t need pity or sympathy, and he’s not looking for Ilya to humor him or say something to smooth things over and get them back on safer ground. He has put a truth about himself on the table between them, and Ilya knows that he deserves one back.
And the truth is this: Ilya doesn’t want to fuck Hollander but he does want to pull him in and surround (?) him. Not to comfort, necessarily, but to hold him still with strong hands and ground him until he stops looking like he’s in danger of snapping from being so brittle. It’s not a gentle feeling, Hollander doesn’t want gentle right now, Ilya can tell. He needs something strong, someone to take him in hand and make him stop running scared, just make him stop.
And that’s something Ilya can do, that’s something Ilya can offer him. Not a romantic or sexual relationship but a place to quiet his mind and relax into the hold of someone just as strong as him.
He’s proven right when he grabs Hollander by the face, his fingers pressing into that jawline, and holds him still, making him meet his eyes. Hollander stiffens at first, eyes widening in panic, but he doesn’t pull back or try to escape, he stays in Ilya’s hold, he fucking stays, and Ilya says “We are not compatible in the way you want, but I think we are in the way you need.” His free hand comes up and he pushes Hollander’s head down onto his shoulder, holds him there where his suit jacket can blot out the harsh light of this filthy bathroom and the only thing he can see is the dark fabric of Ilya’s suit, everything is dark and silent except for their breathing and he can just…be. It must be the right move, because Hollander exhales once, twice, and then he fucking melts into Ilya’s shoulder. His spine unlocks and his hands come up and hover uncertainly until Ilya grabs his wrist and guides him to settle his hands on Ilya’s side, near his waist, and Hollander grabs his shirt in fists and lets his weight settle into Ilya, let’s Ilya support him with a soft groan that unlocks something in Ilya’s chest. His grip on the back of Hollander’s head has eased and he is stroking the fine hairs at the nape of his neck and Hollander is rubbing his face into Ilya’s shoulder a bit, as if he wants to burrow deeper.
This is the most intimate thing Ilya has ever experienced with anyone, and they’re not even naked and no one is touching his dick.
And this is how they fall into a platonic d/s relationship, although of course neither of them think of it that way. It’s just that Ilya doesn’t mind being someone Hollander can go to when the world gets too overwhelming or he has wound himself up too tightly, and Shane learns that it’s okay to text Rozanov every once in a while when he needs the world to quiet down for a bit. Sometimes Shane just wants to put his head on Ilya’s knee and listen to Ilya ramble about what’s on the TV without saying anything himself. Shane goes where Ilya puts him and it’s just a thing they do every once in a while that no one needs to know about.
His fake relationship with Rose lasts about a year, until Rose meets a guy who turns out to be both pretty cool and not gay (she confirms this multiple times before she and Shane publicly “break up” and she soft launches her new relationship two months later).
Rozanov re-signs with Boston and Shane stays in Montreal because he never comes out to his team. Shane eventually meets a man who, like him, is at the top of a highly competitive field, maybe architecture or something like that. They fall in love, the sex is good, he even fucks Shane harder when Shane asks for it. But there’s no mean streak in him, he will push Shane but not past a certain point, not to the point where Shane is out of his head, where everything shuts off and he can just feel. They are compatible in many ways but not that. And so Shane gets his sexual needs met with his boyfriend but goes to Ilya when he needs that particular itch scratched, and it’s messy and fragmented and sometimes Shane’s chest aches like part of his heart is missing, a phantom pain that echoes across the years, but it’s enough to sustain him.
