These Aren't Real Nilla Wafers

I'll let you know when I figure it all out, until then, I'm just Star Wars Trash. Pisces : ISFP : Aesthetic : For When You're Blue : Quotes TV Stranger Things * Parks and Rec * Daredevil * Jessica Jones * Sense8 * Preacher * Firefly * The Get Down * The 100 Movies Pacific Rim * Mad Max *...

[thenatsdorf]

[tastefullyoffensive]

Same. (via matsuda98)

[jhameia]

the tilting of the manhole cover back into place is what makes this video

[maxiepoo-archive-deactivated202]

when people try to get me to socialize

[the-gif-princess]

[mythicalpiranha-moved-deactivat]

IM LAUGIHNG HARDER THAN EVER RIGHT THIS SECOND

[thischick25]

Reblogging this again because Chris just made me realize that sheep are so stupid that I can’t even think like them:

These sheep? They are actually running away from the car.

They are so stupid that they’re following each other in a circle around the thing they are running from.

[drtanner-dickery]

SHEEPNADO

[sharkbeneaththelotus]

when your group cohesion is set higher than your flee response distance.

[surfcommiesmustdie-deactivated2]

Moshpit

[nevergonnawalkpastafez]

This is actually called a sheep cyclone and it happens because sheep don’t have a hierarchy. In most herds, whichever animal is the leader will sense danger and take off running. The rest of the herd takes it’s cues from the leader and follows. Sheep, on the other hand, don’t have a leader. If the flock runs, they run, and they follow whatever fluffy tail happens to be in front of them. Usually, this works out fine for the sheep. Occasionally, however, the sheep in the front starts following the fluffy tail of the sheep in the back so the whole flock ends up running in circles, going nowhere fast.

[surfcommiesmustdie-deactivated2]

sheeps are morons lmao

[kayla-bird-deactivated20190505]

is this what the doggos are for

[0somethingcool0]

@gallusrostromegalus

[gallusrostromegalus]

This is, to my understanding, excactly WHY we have both herding and livestock guardian dogs.  Sheep are… really amazingly dumb most of the time.  

Then, once in a while, you get one sheep that’s Entirely Too Cunning and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

[workingitinportland-deactivated]

watching an actress in full makeup pretend to wash her face and then pat dry her still fully contoured cheeks for an acne wash commercial

when i was 13 i had no idea what make up looked like on. media literacy is important

[judeoceltische]

I especially like the makeup remover ads where she takes off her lipstick, to reveal lighter lipstick underneath.

[cupcakeslushie]

or the commercials for razors with women shaving their already baby smooth, waxed legs

[radicalfeministdragon]

This is such a surreal, dystopian thing about our culture. We literally treat the natural female body like its obscene. No wonder girls grow up with so much self loathing when they feel as if their own skin is incorrect.

[ernmark]

Just learned about garden path sentences.

They’re basically a literary prank– the sentence starts out in such a way that you think you know where it’s going, but the way it ends completely changes the meaning while still being a complete and logical sentence. Usually it deals with double meanings, or with words that can be multiple parts of speech, like nouns and verbs or nouns and adjectives.

So we get gems like

The old man the boat. (The old people are manning the boat)

The complex houses married and single soldiers and their families. (The apartment complex is home to both married and single soldiers, plus their families)

The prime number few. (People who are excellent are few in number.)

The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississipi. (The cotton that clothing is made of)

The man who hunts ducks out on weekends. (As in he ducks out of his responsibilities)

We painted the wall with cracks. (The cracked wall is the one that was pained.)

[cindysuke]

truly a strange language

[punkpuppydragon]

Thanks I hate it

[brakehagev2-deactivated20191106]

guys this is actually real like a real person wrote this

[jo2uke-himboshikata]

“more than enough” oh you fucking saints, absolutely pouring wealth onto the unfortunates

[rune-midgarts]

lol this is amazing

[ryulongd]

Dear Prudie,

I think I just witnessed a murder

[teaboot]

You fucking monster

[defending-lesbians]

Prudie ain’t playin

[crissle]

It’s not really about the candy. She doesn’t want to see their poor colored asses in her rich ass neighborhood.

[pr1nceshawn]

The Best ATM Withdrawal Defense

[alexanders-archives]

I’m here for women with powerful dogs!

[urocyonfox-deactivated20210104]

My land lady is a 90lb 88 year old woman with 5 full grown Rottweiler boys. They sit around her when she gardens and watch her like the secret service. If you show up to pay rent they all stand up and stand between you and her.

It’s intimidating to have 5 pony size boys all staring at you until she stands up realizes it’a you and walks to you.

My favorite part is she wades through them like swamp water saying in her cute old voice ‘move’ ‘move please’ and each one she nudges to move wags his whole body at her touch and stumbles out of the way like he’s been knocked over by a truck. It gives me life paying my rent.

[shortvideosandstuff]

[damnnlyssa]

holy fuck is this like bird parkour

[oliviatheelf-deactivated2013120]

Majestic motherfucker. 

[bazeholdmybeer]

Birds of prey are so badass. Like they got this goshawk to fly through tiny little holes barely bigger than it’s body to show just how extreme they can get

Moral of the story: Be glad you’re too big to be eaten by a Goshawk

[crewdlydrawn-deactivated2022072]

Just imagine birds of prey the size of the eagles from LoTR, okay. Terrifying.

[babychinks]

SO MAJESTIC

[cctinsleybaxter]

A really harrowed-looking man who was probably in his 60s came into the shop today. He was wearing a gold-colored tie that kept sliding down the side of his neck because it was tied very poorly, and a rumpled light blue dress shirt. I did not see his legs or shoes. Part-time cashiers are sometimes just not afforded the luxury.

We said hello to each other as I scanned his items (diet coke and a nature valley granola bar- $2.69), me sounding more interested than usual just because he sounded so out-of breath and very engaged in his purchase. Also maybe because I could not see his shoes.

“How’s your life going?” He suddenly asked, swiping his card, not casually but almost pleadingly curious.

“Uhm, all right I s’pose” I said, too startled to think of a more cheery lie. 

He nodded somberly. “Me too… I guess.” He paused and looked at me for a minute and then just said “it’s a Monday, ya know.”

“Mondays are like this sometimes” I supplied, feeling like we were having a really weird conversation hidden under the one that was actually taking place.

And then he left. I forgot to look at his shoes.

[cctinsleybaxter]

PART II 

Honestly I had no idea that I would ever have the privilege of writing a sequel to this post. I considered it an odd moment, an interaction that changed me in a way, but a fleeting one. I automatically assumed our paths would never cross again, there was such a finality to that window of time on Monday August 22nd of 2016. And yet.

He returned.

I didn’t truly notice him come in, glancing up from whatever menial and already forgotten task I was busy with, but not registering who it was or why he seemed to put out an aura of familiarity. It had been weeks and I haven’t even caught a glimpse of him; the memory of Monday August 22nd of 2016 had faded like a dream. But lo he appeared before me, dressed in exactly the same fashion that made him look like he had just crawled out of carwash (albeit with a pink shirt and purple tie this go-around.)

His face lit up when he saw me, again holding a diet coke and a nature valley granola bar. ‘How is your day going?’ He asked earnestly.

‘Pretty well.’ I said, professionally containing myself, “how are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good” he said, sounding more cheerful than before but just as harried. When I handed him back his change and items and he looked like he was going to cry. 

“Thank you” he whispered with a look of reverence I have only seen on the faces of ancient church members receiving the eucharist.

“It’s no trouble,” I promised, trying not to look perplexed.

He bowed (LITERALLY BOWED) and then made a hurried exit stage left, reminiscent of Lear just before the second act, halfway into madness.

A Lear I had again forgotten to note the footwear of.

[cctinsleybaxter]

PART. 3. 

Okay I’m not even bothering with the pretentious Hemingway style for this one; I’m still reeling over the fact that he came back after four months AND on a Friday instead of a Monday no less.

Notes:

He was wearing literally the exact same shirt and tie he had on from part one, only with an orange sweater and fancy jacket over the ensemble to indicate that it was winter

He bought Lay’s sour cream and onion potato chips this time instead of his standard granola bar, but the diet coke was as usual

He told me that he always felt guilty for buying snack food but ‘you have to do what you have to do’

He then smiled sadly at me and said ‘enjoy your weekend… If you can.’

I sat in stunned, unblinking silence for about six minutes until a customer came up and looked me over worriedly

Who is this man

WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING TO LOOK AT HIS SHOES

[cctinsleybaxter]

Part Four

First thing’s first,

Probably about two years of wear on them but otherwise well cared for. Socks were white, which I was only able to notice because this human being has zero clothes that fit and his pant cuffs were hovering about 3 inches away from his shoes. I keep thinking his outfits can’t possibly get any better, but this one takes the cake:

Crumpled white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, gigantic scarf that looked as though it were made out of mouldy carpet, neon orange striped tie, and a matching neon orange plastic digital watch that probably came out of a box of honeycombs back in 1988.

He did not grace me with his odd conversational charm today, but I received something better. A clue. 

Today he was buying a red notebook and three ballpoint pens instead of snacks (which was questionable but this is a Thursday we’re talking about; the day that falls on the chaotic spectrum and which I am known for my overzealous distrust of), and when he pulled out his luxury black Mastercard to pay for his items he said eight words which shook me to my very core.

“I do get a staff discount on these.”

This has never come up before because discount plans don’t apply to food items. I have no need to ask the identity of a man buying a granola bar and a diet coke. But now.

I didn’t speak as I handed him his receipt, just nodded courteously. Only staff members know about the specific discount so I had no real need to ask for an ID for proof, and I was cursing my mistake in not asking for it anyway. 

I must find this man. I have been here for three years and yet have only seen him within the confines of the store at odd intervals. I’ve never even seen him step into the store, or leave (another customer is somehow always in line behind him and demanding my attention.) I spent half an hour going through the college’s entire staff directory this afternoon… and may have found something. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, I am not yet certain and will have to gather a few more items of information, but for the first time I can promise a part to follow. Perhaps, an ending.

[cctinsleybaxter]

Cinq

Not an ending of any sort, but a very brief update from the field. My work schedule has changed since January and I was honestly beginning to wonder if I wouldn’t see the man again until the fall, as it’s been more than two months now. He startled me quite a bit when he literally blew in as if by a gust of wind right as my shift was ending. 

He was in quite a hurry and only bought a diet coke ($1.50) before blustering(?) off, giving me no chance to run an investigation or perception check, but if fashion checks were a thing…

Please imagine, if you will, a man wearing a yellow polka-dot tie that was not even tied, an orange scarf, the watch mentioned in my previous entry, khakis, a bright periwinkle shirt… and an impeccably matching woolen periwinkle cape. He was also carrying a very large black satchel with tartan lining, every single pocket of which was unzipped.

He looked like a hedge wizard.

I want answers.

[cctinsleybaxter]

6.

I found him.

Masters in theology from Harvard 

Distinguished professor of philosophy

God-tier identification photo; I cannot believe that I have not been hallucinating this man for the past 12 months and 41 days.

[keeper-of-the-flames]

And in case you wanted to know why Leia was kicked out of boarding school.

[abrightshiningstar]

[text referring to Princess Leia from a database, likely as a bonus/flavor text in a videogame: Letter to Senator Bail Organa: To the Most Respected Senator Organa, It is with the deepest regret that I must return to you your thirty-thousand credit bond, and your Princess. Our institution has existed for several thousand years. It prides itself in molding young girls from Alderaan’s finest families into young women whose behavior and decorum is the pride of those families. However, we believe that Princess Leia is incapable of conforming to our standards. This is the unanimous decision of the Board of Directors, and was arrived at due to three separate infractions. a) The Princess led a sit-in rebellion of students during breakfast, when they were served bottled juice instead of freshly squeezed. b) The Princess re-programmed the PA system to play the Anthem of the Republic (in direct violation of Imperial Edict 2.33b) during assembly. c) The Princess sliced a secure mainframe and swapped every reference to Emperor Palpatine with Emperor… well, let us just say that is is a word seven year old Princesses should not know. Yours, with respect, Madam Nestor, Govorness, Grevasse City Colloglum for Young Ladies]

[youandthemountains]

LEIA ORGANA GOT KICKED OUT OF BOARDING SCHOOL BC SHE WAS A LITTLE ANTI-IMPERIALIST PUNK

[darkroguescribe]

Padme must be so proud of her little rebel. Though some of her antics really give me a lot of Anakin vibes.

[ukulelekatie]

Idea for a game show: it’s a cooking competition with no recipes, just a lil old granny judge telling the contestants how to make dishes that have been passed down in her family from generation to generation. All the contestants have to follow along as she talks, and her instructions are super vague. There are no actual measurements, just things like “Add the basil. How much, you ask? Just enough.” or “Put it in the oven until it’s done.” Every week it’s a different judge with recipes from all over the world until the finalists must face the Ultimate Grandma™

[bigmammallama5]

“-now a pinch of salt.”

“One fourth of a teaspoon or one eight of a teaspoon?”

“No, a pinch.”

[wheel-of-fish]

[ruusverd]

I’m in my mid-twenties, and honestly get so much hate over being childfree that I’ve started telling people I have an adopted daughter when they ask about my kids. I just conveniently leave out the fact that my adopted daughter is, in fact, a 40-pound sheep, one of roughly two dozen that live in my back yard.

It isn’t even a lie, I raised that lamb on a bottle from the day she was born, as far as she’s concerned I’m her mom. And as long as I’m vague enough, the problems of dealing with sheep sound totally believable as human toddler parenting problems. “Oh yeah, my daughter’s two, she always puts everything in her mouth.” “Ugh, my daughter is always climbing on stuff, I swear she’s part mountain goat!”

I live for seeing how long I can keep it up before someone asks to see a picture of my little darling. “Sure!” I say, “Here she is! Isn’t she adorable?” then relish the horrified confusion when they see this tiny little brown sheep like:

It’s the best thing. It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever done, next to raising sheep in the first place.

[kittenwiskers]

I love this, your daughter is Beautiful!

[exactlyonebear]

Why Taako started out mad dumb

[spellswisp]

summer mood

[benepla-deactivated20180521]

shaggy wearing a knee length flowery dress…..Fred completely naked hiding his junk w a surfboard…..power playing the ghosts

[arandomguy163]

Its like the 80’s all over again, a remorseless madwoman runs the UK, a maniacal bastard runs the US, the world’s on the brink of nuclear war and all I want to do is listen to synthpop

[berlynn-wohl]

star wars, ghostbusters, and mad max all pass the bechdel test now tho

[ismenetruth]

that helps with the deja vu but tragically not the crushing fear of nuclear apocalypse

[berlynn-wohl]

try the synthpop again

[panicmoon15]

the 7 y/o boy who lives next door doesn’t want to go in the house to bed and i just heard his dad use the old “you live under my roof, you live by my rules” and the kid just shouted back “im not under your roof im under the sky and thats god’s roof and he wants me to play out for longer!”

i can’t stop laughing.

[panicmoon15]

update: now he’s scootering down the street singing ‘we didn’t start the fire’ while his dad chases him

[eviemaybe-deactivated20200425]

chaotic neutral

[simply-indescribable]

am i too late for this meme

[electricbanjo]

Oh my god.

[captain-lewis]

C O N S I D E R THE

Coconut

[jewishsuperfam]

the WHAT