ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?

probably thinking about my dog

[theconcealedweapon]

[somethingwendythiswaycomes]

[pokeballvictim]

I am a grown ass adult and I still get nausea when I feel like I'm in trouble. They're gonna send me to the principals office and take away my toys for a week. Can you just fucking kill me instead of making me stew in my fucking anxiety

[whitepeopletwitter]

[shiveringfrogspawn]

ah, this one takes me back to when- (gasping shaking crying shivering on the floor at the mere memory)

[longnuts]

Does anyone know what to do

[transgendad]

periods are medieval honestly. like sorry I got suicidal last night turns out I had too much blood in me. yeah no some of it fell out and I'm fine now.

[machine-saint]

we justifiably give Biden a lot of shit but I think "at least 3" is the funniest possible response to some right wing dipshit asking you how many genders there are

[madnessofmen]

wait it gets better

[raan-miir-tah]

You motherfuckers yes I hate Kamala too but when she is announced to be the Democratic candidate we are all going to shoot fireworks and go to the goddamn polls

[raan-miir-tah]

GRIPPING EVERYBODY’S SHOULDERS SO TIGHTLY RIGHT NOW. YOU WILL VOTE FOR HARRIS. YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THAT THERE IS NO MORAL WAY TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE US AND YOU WILL STILL VOTE TO STRATEGICALLY PROTECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

[raan-miir-tah]

YOU ARE THE REALEST MOTHERFUCKER ON THIS SITE!!!

[driad-deactivated20160522]

You have been visited by the money cat He only appears once every July 22nd

This guardian of the money ether may give you some of his hard earned riches. You reblog, He decides.

[oswednesday]

they should leave biden's dog who bites people and wanders the hall making strange noises, its a dog that comes with the job now

[3liza]

[guiltrose-deactivated20180203]

do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.

[tahthetrickster]

it’s december 1 where’s the christmas tail kitten bring him to me

[tahthetrickster]

i have to do EVERYTHING around here

[kaity--did]

Starting a new thread of insane shit I over hear my husband say to our toddler.

“Here, will this rice cake cracker sate your dark passanger?”

[kaity--did]

2. “Come now my child.”

*bluey the album starts playing*

[kaity--did]

3. “Oh I am so sorry. You’ve been mildly inconvenienced. How dare I truly”

[kaity--did]

4. “It is she! Her Majesty, Queen of the Sludge, Keeper of Goo, DJ Baby P (In the House) Dropper of Beats and Clapper of Hands”

[kaity--did]

5. He is in charge of bathtime and he lifted the ghoul tonight while singing “come with me and you’ll be in a world of baby sanitation” and I laughed so hard I snorted pasta

[kaity--did]

6. Okay this is more one that he said to me about the toddler but he was home with her while I was at work and I just got this text

[kaity--did]

7.

“Happy Independence Day Sweetie! Nationalism is a cancer!”

[kaity--did]

8. This is another one he said to me about her but still it made me laugh so hard I nearly choked

[kaity--did]

9.

*Penny babbling in the back seat, many la la las coming from her car seat*

“Are you singing us a song? Ah yes the dulcet tones of goblin”

[kaity--did]

10.

“Listen kid, I can’t let you have the cup anymore because you keep chugging the bath water, so we just have to remove the cup from the equation.”

[kaity--did]

11.

*penny is screaming, trying to climb back up a big slide at the playground*

“Someday you’ll learn about ,I don’t know physics and the myth of Sisyphus ,and you’ll start making a lot of connections I think. “

[kaity--did]

12. *Pen is still screaming and baby cussing about not being able to climb back up the slide*

“The problem is that you set goals for yourself that are unattainable by both man and baby.”

[kaity--did]

13.

“You can keep the cookie container, I don’t care. What kind of father would I be if I tried to separate a small raccoon child from her trash!?”

[kaity--did]

14.

*Penny is crying because the bucket she insisted on sitting in fell off the couch with her in it. Husband is bouncing her and rubbing her back after assessing that no physical damage occurred, just a bruised toddler ego*

“Oh my poor sweet angel. She fucked around and found out.”

[kaity--did]

15.

[kaity--did]

16. “The only three things this child cares about is Elmo, Cooking Videos, and Keith Tryguy”.

[kaity--did]

17.

“Hey. No! Cup privileges hereby rescinded, bath chugger”

[kaity--did]

18.

we miss him a lot

[kaity--did]

19.

[kaity--did]

20.

“I just don’t know how you and I, the two most indoorsy people to ever exist, managed to give birth to I don’t know , Baby Bear Grylls!?”

[kaity--did]

21.

“Not that I ever would because I love her and she’s my best friend, but I’m pretty sure if we just gave her one of those old timey kerchiefs on a stick and like sent her into the woods, she’d be fine. She’d come home in a week with berries and woodland friends ready to go to war for her.”

[kaity--did]

22.

“There’s so many mommy blogs and parenting books but not one of them have ever told me what to do when my child adopts a mad scientist laugh. How do you proceed from there?”

[kaity--did]

23.

(For context on this one, my in laws have one of these as a coffee table)

[kaity--did]

24.

Me: *hears a biiiig gulp come from upstairs* HEY IS SHE CHUGGING BATH WATER AGAIN?

Husband: SHE GOT THE PITCHER I USE TO RINSE HER HAIR AND IM AFRAID OF HER SO YES

[kaity--did]

25.

“ you know how penny can count to 5? She absolutely can not count to 6. We’re going through the numbers on her cube thing right? One, Two, Three, Four, Five and stop. She looks at me like what the hell do you mean keep going we’ve completed counting, this is all the numbers. I point at the 6, cause you know this thing goes to 10 and she is like looking at me like Dad, I got 1 through 5, that thing you’re pointing to? That’s some ancient rune from an unknown civilization and I can’t help you with that”

[detectivehole]

Are there any blue roses? Like real ones. Or do they just take the white, green, or red ones then paint them as blue?

no, blue roses don't occur in nature- but they're easy to make artificially. just place a cut white rose into blue-dyed water and wait a bit, and eventually the rose will be blue. also why did you ask me this

[detectivehole]

i used to stick flowers in dye as a kid to make them different colors

[detectivehole]

every month i track down and kill a member of various professions so that i can absorb their workplace knowledge. last june i shredded a florist

[twitblr]

Dormant Predators

[cypresscapers]

[loueejii]

This is why I have this. Even if they can get the lock opened they can’t push the door open. Got it at Lowes for $20.

[ocean-again]

reblog for that last bit to save a life

[smiling-grouch-deactivated20241]

If you’re like me and have a large gap under your front door (someone could take a stick and just poke the leaning stick style door jam out), I recommend the Addalock. It’s small, perfect for traveling, and this lock is CRAZY. It’s so simple but the door does not move.

You can’t see it from the other side, either. It also cost about $20, and I can’t recommend it enough. Easy to travel with, too! Great for Air BnBs!

[deminat-20]

That’s why I have these on my doors. They get drilled into the side and once its flipped over the door nothing is getting it open. Not the door being unlocked nothing, I’ve unlocked the door and pulled and pushed as hard as I could and it didn’t budge. When I go on a trip this is what I use and when I’m home I leave it on too. No one is getting in here.

[letsgetoutofspace]

Okay I know that it is necessary for many but what do you do if you need medical attention and you’re not able to open the door from the inside? Can the fire department get through these at least?  

[morgrimmoon]

Yes. The fire department can and will break down your door if necessary, it’s one of the reasons they have axes; it’s entirely possible for door frames to melt/expand/seize or otherwise become unopenable during a house fire but the door itself can be hacked down. Or the window. In rare cases, the wall. Firefighters don’t fuck around with collateral damage when lives are at stake.

[airlocksandaviariesarchive]

Looks like we can’t isolate, ignore, ibuprofen our way out of this one boys

[primeemeraldheiress]

[thestenchofcheeseandregrets]

[witchofdunwich]

a few days ago a coworker asked me to explain Hanukkah and I asked her if she knew what a menorah was. She said, “like the Northern Lights?”

I’m simultaneously haunted by and wild about this concept now. instead of aurora borealis, menorah borealis. menorah borealis

[yubriamakesart]

i’m not Jewish but now i’m also captivated by the concept of a menorah borealis, and I didn’t see anyone else drawing it. Hope you like it & hope everyone who celebrates has a lovely Hanukah. <3

[charlesoberonn]

Thank you for drawing the menorah correctly.