thinking about that one time when i diagnosed an STD on a patient
and diagnosing STDs is always delicate because once I know what it is, i have to ask the patient ‘do you have a steady sexual partner’ so i can bring the partner in and treat them too
and then sometimes they’ll go “yes i only have sex with my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/etc” and then there is a processing time of about 2 seconds between them telling me that and the information registering, and then they’ll go “WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND -”
and i have the approximate social comfort of someone who was raised by wolves and then set free among the british royal court, so it’s always a little terrible conversation that goes more or less like
“are you saying i am being cheated on”
“i am saying you caught it from someone you had sex with”
“is there no other way to catch this”
“uh well not really, no, unless you had a really unlikely scenario”
“but if i only had sex with my partner and i didn’t have this before then i am being cheated on, right??”
“well i can say you definitely caught it from someone you had sex with”
and we kinda talk circles for a while because I can’t just say “yep your partner is cheating” but at some point I do have to say “i need your partner to take metronidazole too”
anyway so in comes this lady and i do her prescription and give her the explanations and then i go “do you have a steady partner” and she goes “yes I have a boyfriend” and i say “ok so can I have his name so I can write him a prescription of antibiotics and a referral so he can get evaluated too”
“You don’t know… your boyfriend’s name??”
“No, he has a weird name so I only call him [REDACTED] ”
i stare at her, dumbfolded. i blink. “Ma’am while it is your prerrogative to call yourselves whatever you desire, I cannot possibly write a prescription addressed to that. You’ll have to bring him over for an appointment, please.”
so i wrap up my day and go home play with my cat and kinda forget about that fateful encounter. one week later, she shows up with the boyfriend. i bring him into my office while she waits outside and start questioning him for symptoms and whatnot.
i am writing a prescription of metronidazole. i love metronidazole. it is free on our universal healthcare system. it is an antibiotic that covers gram-negative bacteria, clostridium difficile and also some protozoa and even a worm called dracunculus. metronidazole is great. it inhibits nucleic acid synthesis.
i love antibiotics. after digimons, antibiotics are my favorite thing to memorize pointlessly. they have awesome names. although the situation is still quite awkward, i am thiking about what antibiotics to add to my prescription. azithromycin. ceftriaxone. thinking about antibiotics makes me happy. i like it when i give someone an antibiotic and i know that instead of getting terribly ill, they’ll be cured and well. this brings great satisfaction. i feel like i am Helping People. i am having a wonderful time.
there is a commotion outside
i hear raised voices and yelling. the door opens. in walks the girlfriend. behind her, in walks yes, her, the lover. they are screaming. the girlfriend says she is the only one to take the guy to the doctor and that’s apparently why she’s the most official woman (?) . the lover shouts back that the guy only goes around bedding chicks because the girlfriend doesn’t have enough sex with him and that’s why he has an STD (??)
the guy is staring at the two as if this is a perfectly normal occurrence. i am trying to process the fact that the girlfriend and the lover not only know each other and hate each other but apparently there are more women in the middle. that dude is not only holding two monogamic relationships at the same time (???) but he’s also cheating. on. both his girlfriends. with other women.
the girlfriend slaps the lover. the lover starts pulling the girlfriend’s hair. i am living a telenovela. i expect Soraya Montenegro to burst in through the window at any second. i am no longer having a wonderful time. the doctor opens her door from across the corridor and pokes her head out, and although i am not great at reading expressions, hers clearly says what in the everloving fuck is going on
and then she sees the two women and her face changes to instant comprehension. clearly, this is a Thing Which Happens Regularly. she calls the girlfriend into her office with unquestionable authority. the girlfriend leaves the room still cursing. i am trying to recover. i don’t know what to say. no med school books prepared me for this.
the lover sees herself out, to the waiting room. i turn my brain off and then back on. the reboot works and some semblance of rational thought resumes. i sit down. i pick up my pen and stare at my half written prescription -
i stand, stumbling, and hurry out of the office like the bundle of beffudlement, confusion and tension that i am. the lover is there, sitting, waiting. she looks at me. i stare back blankly.
“Ma’am,” I say. “I need to give you some metronidazole, too.”
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