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You have to live with the choices you make

I feel like even now I spend so much time trying to dodge the repercussions of the choices I make. trying to skate out trying to dodge trying to not reap what i sow. What a dreadful way to live. I should much rather live in joy of the things I am to sow. I should be proud of my works or do works that bring good things. Not do things in deceit and hope to gain nothing, and fear gaining destruction. such simple lessons that have seemed to escape a mind that I think of as great. I have been arrogant and I have been a fool. It's like I have been high on ambrosia. I need to take this chance to clear the harvester. Winter is coming and I should prepare to plant for spring. I fear the things that i have yet to sow. the follies that will bring disaster upon me. I pray to God and leave it to his mercy what to do with my head. "there if not for the grace of God go I." I place no pity or sympathy on myself and I would much rather learn this lesson and proceed to glory. I want to be rejoined under the protection of God after wondering around in shame and mud for so long. I am ready to abstain my life of pleasure and sin. This choice i make will bring me happiness and a great bounty not just material but spiritual. If I choice to turn away from this I have to live with and accept the consequences. Both choices have consequences which consequences do I want. I keep trying to fear the outcome and play odds and how long do I have to learn the lesson and how much of it do i have to accept? Why worry of it. If I abstain from it all then I don't have to wait for disaster I will be prepared for a blessing. It seems all my blessings turn into curses when I am not ready for them, when I am sinning even the good things turn bad. I should take heart that I am not already upon disastor. I have not yet run my ship aground before i even knew it. It is a small blessing to be able to turn my ship around no matter how close i am to the rocks. So even then I am not totally destroyed. I take this moment of clarity as an opportunity that I am not totally lost and that I must learn to begin to live with the choices that I make.

#challenges #choices #look at your life look at your choices

The simple solution

I'm glad to know that this struggle is not against simply smoking. It seemed so small but it was connected to something bigger. its like trying to stop the bleeding with out closing the wound. The problem is more complex than just bleeding; I struggle not just smoking weed. I realize that I have to abstain from certain behavior and its not just weed and porn.There is a whole way of living, or there is a way of thinking that leads to a mind frame a desire to do things that I know simply as sin. I know that I am not perfect to explain this idea but for me I understand that I can't stop watching porn unless I adjust the way I think or behave in regards to porn and sexual activities. Do I lust over women, well then that's gonna lead me to porn. Maybe not that day or moment but if I keep giving into that temptation it will led me to porn one day. it's like I am investing in a outcome. I am preparing for the eventuality of porn, I am focusing my attention my expectations on sex. And then to realize that porn is not the end of the road, there are many follies and downfalls after porn. That is simply one example of how weed and porn are nothing but symptoms to a bigger problem I have. I can identify that problem simply as sin. To sin is to be away from God. So the simple solution to my complex problem is God.

#addiction

Speak and walk the same way

Last night i heard a segment on the radio in which the guest said something intresting. I can half remember the quote because I was not sober. The idea behind the quote was that it is easier to abstain from something than it is to do something in moderation.

I thought about it at the time and applied it to my current situation. I have long realized and am still under the impression that i cannot moderately smoke. I have to all together stop and with no hope of picking up again. It is easier to stop. If I pick it up again I cannot moderate. To have set my self back by weeks upsets me. I wonder if it upsets me enough to get straight. Some how I still wonder why I can be so thick headed. This thing is bigger than marijuana. It's like I have a cold and smoking is just the sniffles, its just a symptom. I know why it is that the people who stopped one addiction felt the need to stop other vices that were not addictions. It's like for me smoking is a anchor but other things like porn are chains. I realized that porn or sex comes in many different forms and while it is not an addiction to leads to a weakness to stand up to temptation to smoking. I have known that for sometime now. I understand that. It's like all this was a learning process so very slow and painful. I wish to stop others from making my same folly. I'm not even through with all this but i don't want anyone else to follow me this far. One of the greatest blessings God has given me is at least he tells me what I do wrong. It's always up to me to correct it. I must work within myself first before I can see change in others. Let him work with me before he can work on others through me. Speak and walk the same way.

#addiction #redemption

The bigger picture

I am trying to see the bigger picture. I am trying to see myself not just in the moment of cravings and instant gratification. I am trying to live beyond just hot and fast desires. I want long term investment not just subtraction. I am going out to Pittsburgh in a few days. I need to take this time to get my perspective. Where am I going?

There must be no war between body and mind. No gulf between your values and your actions I am still here trying to build this man. Build this person I am meant to be. Like the sermon at church asked. "Who am I?"

I keep thinking that I can somehow achieve all my ambitions an still smoke pot. I wrestle with a demon. I must turn myself loose. What I am doing? I am so lost.

#addiction

Noblesse Oblige

Those who are noble are obliged to act so. I say I am this person, I am this man, and so now I must act so. I must not be a hypocrite.

You will be disqualified at the highest levels

I heard on the news today a case of an American Olympian who has been banned for life from the Olympics because of a positive test for marijuana. That news story spoke to me because it is of course my drug of choice. It spoke to me because there was a young man at the top of his game, in London doing what he had worked so hard to achieve and to not only be banned from that event but all events for the rest of his life. All the hard work he had done, everything he had worked for, and all his accomplishments gone for the thrill of some weed that lasted no more than an hour. A lifetime for a hour. No matter how I may feel about the punishment or pot, I have to realize that in this society that is treated as a drug that can take everything from you. That person could have been me. No matter how I feel about pot, no matter how noble my intentions may be in life I will be disqualified at the highest levels if I continue to smoke pot. The first thing I could be disqualified for is my job that I currently have. If I can't even keep a job that does random drug tests while the stakes are low compared to what the young man lost in London, how can I ever move up? I need to take the lesson of the young man to heart. I need to learn from his mistake and not make his mistake over. Pot can take away my dreams just like it took away his

#addiction #London Olympics #Marijuana

I still have a lot more growing up to do. I just don't understand. Why do I do this to myself? This addiction I am trying to kill it, before it kills me.

I have to choose the type of man I want to be

I want to hold myself to a certain level of accountability. I am probably becoming a man. I am defining what sort of man I will be as I head out on my own. It is good that I grapple with this while I still live at home. To do this in a new city could be disastrous. I have to choose the type of man I want to be. I feel as if I grapple with myself in my inner most thoughts. Trying to understand what it means to be a man in this worldly context. I can be a snake that hides in the shadows or I can be a man fearless to stand before God having lived as blameless as Job. And God do his will to me. Please help me not to self destruct before you can use me.

#growing up #maturity

The riddle of the man

I am trying to solve a part of myself. Some level of myself my convictions my principles. It is my fault, all of the ideological things I suspect are me, but are not really me yet. All the ideas I have floating through my head. All the desires, impulses and visions I have of myself being me. All of it is dashed when I start to smoke weed. Yet the bitter irony is that I see myself so clearly when I smoke. Tell me what does it mean to see a vision of myself, a better self so clear when smoking. A vision of self that does not include smoking. How can that be? How can it be that I may see a better self while I am at my worst. I don't see myself, I see who I could be. And when I sober up I see myself and who I am right now and how far away I am from where I want to be. I get discouraged. When I am high I am not discouraged, I am encouraged by my imagination of all I could be. I am so great when I am high. And then I come crashing down to earth, and reality. maybe that is what I am addicted to. I am addicted to feeling good about myself. Truth be told, I sometimes feel the best about myself when I am high. So what does that mean? Lord please God help me. It's only because I know the great heights that I could be, and to be in the mud right now is devastating. It almost paralysis me. The drug is taking more than it could ever give. There is a secret in all this that I just don't see yet. Some truth that stands before my eyes but the scales of my foolishness block my clarity. I know how far off I am. In a blink of an eye I'm damned. A drug test, a well placed cop, the nosy person, and it's all over. All those dreams I have when I am high won't mean a thing, because the same thing that helps me dream will cause me to live a nightmare. Maybe the dreams I have when I am high are not encouragement, maybe it's a warning, maybe its all the things I could be instead of walking around hiding and smoking. Maybe instead of being outside in the rain, cold, or late night I could be training and learning to be the man I want to be. Maybe its encouragement to not smoke. Maybe its a way for me to see all things I could be without the drug. Funny that at the height of all my ideas about myself I never once see myself with a blunt in my hand. So what does that mean? All I have is the mercy of God that he loves me more than I even love myself.

#addiction #God's mercy

batter up

So i am going to take this one day at a time. I have swung and missed on a lot of days. however i am ready to take another swing. how this this any different from batting? There was a quote by russell that made me sober in thought. russell being a comedian, and he said something to the effect that drugs will take away everything from you. he said it will take money friends family and even who you are. and when it gets to the last peice drugs will gladly take it. i just heard on the news that a judeo player tested positive for pot and has been kicked out of the Olympics and has a life ban. that seems harsh but that is a drug offesnse. so what is the difference between the comedian russell and his herion use and the Olympic player and his pot use. has not pot taken everything from him? Why should i suffer the same fate? Why should i act like pot wont take from me indirectly. who do i think i am fooling? The first thing i worry about losing is my girlfriend. i worry about losing my job. i worry about losing the roof over my head. a young man of my age lost his chance of ever being a gold medalists . he has lost so much, and i can loose so much. I pray to God that he would continue to look upon me with mercy i pray to God that he would help me not to loose all the things dear to me. may i continue to think of the young judeo player and his loss so that it does not also become my loss.

A week away

I am a little more than a week away from when I started these 30 days. you know I have not been keeping track. You know I have been so scared of failure and so resigned to it that I could not even look at it in the face. I knew I failed and didn't want to face it. I guess I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to give up. It is little less than a week away since I was supposed to go on some deep soul searching journey to fix myself. Now it would seem that I have created a mess more than I intended to fix. Mentally I feel like I am lost. This addiction is bigger than just one thing, it is bigger than just two things. My problems are not the drug use, it is bigger, or rather deeper than that. Once I confront what I have been scared to see, do, or know the drug addiction will be secondary, it will come with the change. I am trying my best to be on the right path with God. There is so much I want to do within myself but I try and take things one day at a time. I realize that I cannot let failure discourage me from trying my best. I failed during this blog. There are huge gaps of time which I have not logged or taken account of. During most of my 30 days I was in hiding of myself. Escaping reality that I was failing myself. As I keep saying there is so much I want to do that really these first hurdles seem nothing more than a small test of the things to come. I know this, I see it, yet sometimes it doesn't help. I almost expect myself to fail. But I realize if that attitude won't help in baseball why would that attitude succeed in life. If I cannot be discouraged my missed attempts, opportunities, or efforts in baseball why should I let those same things discourage me in life. I am trying something big here in my life. I am trying to change my perspective on life and who I am. I am trying to love myself on my terms and with the understanding that yes while I am flawed I am not worthless. That's what the drugs are about. That's what the reluctance to go home is about. Once I understand that I am not worthless, that I have value, not only in the eyes of others but in the eyes of God, I don't need to stay away from home and get high so I can day dream about how great I am. Cause that's all I do, and that's all it is for me. Just having mind sex with myself. pumping my own ego of all these expectations, but when I awake from my stupor I have nothing to show for it. The dreams I get when sober are better and more encouraging than when I am high. I am not worthless. I am loved, and I love myself. My God has not given up on me, so why should I. Each day that God does not give up on me, by taking away all that I have shamed away. But giving me the punishment an justice and ruin that I have brought on myself. Each day he holds back his hand is another day that my God has not given up on me. So how then, how can I give up on myself and resign myself to failure. Why do I have to try and destroy myself if God is holding back his hand of destruction. He loves me, so I should love me. And the first thing, the first way you love yourself is not by harming yourself or your future. It took me almost a month to learn all this, but it's a good start.

#Mercy #Addiction #Perseverance

Mental Benchpress

I want to hold myself to a certain level of accountability. I am probably becoming a man. I am defining what sort of man I will be as I head out on my own. It is good that I grapple with this while I am home. To do this in a new city would be disastrous. I have to choose the type of man I want to be. I feel as if I grapple with myself in my inner most thoughts. Trying to understand what it means to be a man in this worldly context. I ca be a snake that hides in the shadows or I can be a man fearless to stand before God having lived blameless like Job. And like Job God do his will to me. Please help me not to self destruct before you can use me.

Mercy that you love me

I am trying to solve a part of myself. Some level of myself my convictions my principle. Is my fault that all the idealistic things I suspect are me but are not really me? All the ideas I have floating through my head. All the desires, impulses and visions I have of myslf being me is dashed when I start to smoke weed. I don't see myself and who I could be. Lord please God help me. It's only because I know the great heights that I could be and to be in the mud I know how far off I am. In a blink of an eye I'm damned. All I have is your mercy that you love me more than I love me.

#Addiction #Mercy

the long road ahead

Well for the first time in a couple of days i went drug free. i am sort of shamed to say that it really was not as hard as i expected. sometimes it can be a battle but yesterday i did not even think about my addiction. and all my other addictiins where a lot easier to handle as well. it was a good first day. i had only started smoking a few weeks ago, and it lasted for less than a month. But this was not my first time smoking. i had been smoking off and on for a little more than 5 years. i have taken breaks during that time, sometimes for as long as half a year or more. but it was always because i had to for one reason or another. this is the first time i have stopped smoking simply because i want to. no one is making me. i am tired of the drug life. drugs are not the most important thing to me. i refuse to borrow money or dig in trasg for pot. i almost forgot my addiction contact called me yesterday. of course i did not pick up so i dont know what he wanted. i have a vision of myself and that vision is not of a pot head. usually when i survive one day the next day is worse. i have to be on guard, not just for my main addictions but all the others as well.

what have i become

What would come as no suprize to anyone reading this i went out and found the money to get to my addiction. i cut my own throat fincially that i am going to struggle to get to work for the rest of the week until i get paid. the same dealer i was bad mouthing was the same one i went running to when i started getting restless. yesterday was the stupidiest indulgence to date. i had to borrow money for the bus and used it on my addiction. i got a look at myself. i got a good long look at myself at that moment, acting like a crack head looking for coins, borrowing 5 dollars just wanting enough for my fix. i was so ugly in that moment. i was so weak in that moment. i was so disgusting in that moment. there have been many moments like that. i looked at where i was in that moment i looked at where i am in life and it is a farcry from where i want to be. all the things i want to be, i am not. i am the opposite. i thought that i would not hit that low point of having to borrow money for my addiction. I thought i was smarter and stronger than that. i am. i had been free of my addiction for some months. and then all of a sudden on a weak afternoon when i didnt want to go home and was drunk i decided to smoke some pot. after that i had to fight the battle all over again. i am tired of fighting with weed. when i am free once again i will remember how one smoke led to all this. here i am flat broke cant get to work and a sorry shadow of what i could be. i heard that weed addiction is a mental one and not a physcial one. i beleive it. the afternoon is around the corner. i am still doing good with my other addictions. i have not given in. they still bite at me but i have not given in. i am proud of myself and it gives me hope that i can stand up to my big bad drug addiction

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