To The Bone.
TW; eating disorder
this is my story. one thing that helps me recover and be better is writing about it.
This will be one of the hardest things for me to ever talk about, it always has been, and to myself I am sorry. Weight. The word itself still makes me die on the inside. And that is not me being dramatic, every time inside of me hates that word: weight.
The earliest memory of me thinking I was overweight was back in kindergarten. Yes, I recognize how early this is in someone's life to start to think like that. I was lying on the couch curled up after school when I seemed to notice I had some extra chub that other kids did not have. That is the earliest I remember wanting to go on a diet, but the story does not end there.
Early into middle school, I thought I was ugly and fat. I was so beyond paranoid that everyone thought the same. The voice inside my head said, "They are staring at how much you are eating" "Oh y god, haven't you eaten enough?" I was so depressed over this issue. At lunch, I would eat small amounts or nothing at all. It made me feel like I was in control even though looking back I was not. Some days were emotionally bad for me and I would basically run home to binge eat. It was sickening on how much I would eat. It was like a pull and push kind of relationship between the two: barely eating and binging out.
It would consume my daily thoughts and then it would slowly start to eat away at my happiness. While at the same time dealing with other stuff in my life such as friendships, family issues, etc. I was not happy, to say the least. Binge eating becomes a bigger problem as time as time went on. A good grade on my test meant I got to reward myself with coke, chips, ramen noodles, candy, cheese sticks, everything in the kitchen. I would eat all of this in one sitting. On the flip side, I would do this on bad days as well, friendship fallout - I got to reward myself with anything I could fit in my mouth. Both ways were me gaining a bunch of weight and feeling so bad for it.
Into high school, I had the same problems. I felt so disgusted with myself. I was trying to find love in the dark corners and the only thing that gave me comfort was food. Unhealthy was definitely a way to describe this part of my life. Every once and a while I'd get so upset with my weight where I'd limit my eating again. I loved the feeling of diet pills and water. I realized the grave concern of this being extremely unhealthy.
Here we are in the present-day and I have made it this far. I did it by myself - I had struggled with this by myself. Every once and a while I will get the feeling of restricting or binging again but I have to recognize the harm of this thinking and be willing to overcome it. Some days are better than others. Some days I can still catch myself not eating lunch or seeing how long I can go without eating. And other times I catch myself overeating because I do not to face my problems.
