Poise

Having poise means being confident in your own skin. - A.F

[brokensoulsandbrokenbottles]

Even in the darkest thunderstorms there is lightning

[thepowerwithin]

“Your eyes are open as you are reading this sentence. However, do you see clearly? Do you see how lucky we are to be able to read? To learn? To experience life?”

— Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

[thoughtkick]

“How do you know someone is for you? They bring peace you haven’t found anywhere else. They support your effort. They water your growth.”

— Unknown

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

somewhere in the world

a mother is singing her baby a lullaby for the first time, a shelter cat is going home with an excited family, a kid is starting the first pages of what will be their favorite book series, a couple in a long engagement is finally having their wedding, a gardener is stepping outside to see their produce flourishing and almost ready to be picked, a father is becoming a grandfather eager to hold his new little love, a teenager is putting the keys into their first car, someone is moving on from a break up and walking past a place they used to go with their ex without feeling an ache, a patient is taking their first steps forward after a long surgery, a child is getting all giddy with anticipation for their birthday party

because life all around us is beautiful even though there is chaos and sorrow that can often overshadow it.

[ashberrrry]

I be like "omg, i have so much to do" and then go lay down

[writingwithpoise]

And I feel like I am waiting

I stare at the candles I didn’t light, at the curtains I didn’t close. At the playstation that is on stand by, because I didn’t turn it off. The TV screen is black, the book next to me closed. The room smells like the freshly baked cake. But the smell doesn’t reach me. Not really. I feel like im waiting. Waiting for someone to walk in. Waiting for arms to hug me tight, waiting for lips to kiss my forehead, for hands to hold me, for a heart that loves me. Waiting for this empty feeling to leave my body so I can feel something again.

But no one is coming. Its just me, my books and my cat in my apartment. I feel so… lost. I can go anywhere but nowhere at the same time. I feel everything but nothing at all. I feel used and played with, I feel disgusted by my own body. I feel violated. I feel so fucking, fucking alone.

As I was alone. That night. It was my body being used, taken advantaged of.  It was my fear, and my fear alone, that I wasn’t going to make the night. It was my v*gina that got beaten up like I was some sort of play doll. It was my lungs that couldn’t get enough air. My body that froze, that I didn’t even feel anymore. I was so fucking alone at that point, and so fucking lonely every moment after. The ‘why didn’t you scream’ and the ‘what did you wear?’ The ‘I would’ve kicked him!’. I mean… yeah.

No. Im okay. Don’t worry. I wasn’t wearing much as I was only wearing my pyjama. I didn’t scream because he pressed the air out of my lungs, and breathing was hard enough as it was. I did try to kick him, hit him, push him away. But I wasn’t strong enough. I was alone.

I can still feel it. in my body. All the fear is still here. All the hurt, the pain, the helplessness. And im trying, im trying so hard. I still feel the shaking and trembling, the hate towards my body for freezing up, the pain in my v*gina when I think about it. And I feel gross. I feel so fucking gross.

I want to take off my skin, my body. I want to wash it in 200 degrees and dry-clean it, I want it to be fresh and I want it to be mine again.

I want it to be mine again.

I feel like im waiting for something. So I get up, light the candles, eat a bit of cake and drink some hot tea. I put on my favorite movie, and wear a soft pyjama. I take care of myself. As I want to feel like mine again.  And so I’ll be waiting. For a better day, a better month, and perhaps even a better year.

I’ll be waiting.

- Alies 

[storybookprincess]

suddenly remembered this poem as i was making breakfast this morning & frantically googled “poem remembered to buy eggs?????????” & somehow managed to find it & it utterly knocked the wind out of me just as much as when i first read it

[writingwithpoise]

Christmas eve was our second date, we watched harry potter, laying two feet apart. I remember getting all shy and awkward, because you didnt try to kiss me. This wasnt what i was used to.

We celebrated new years eve together, watching fire works on a rooftop together with our loved ones. Our first kiss came hours later, after i met your parents and we cuddled underneath your blanket.

Spring came and so did my feelings for you. I tried to push them away, as i just wanted to be interested in you- not in love. This wasnt what i was used to.

But the trees turned greener and the wind got warm, the raindrops turned thicker and we made love on a bed surrounded by mosquito-hunting spiders after i watched you eating an apple by the fire place and i couldn't shake the feeling of safety. You made me feel safe, you made me feel okay.

And i know you say im always stressed and i know i am and this isnt what im used to but i feel a little bit calmer when I'm with you. I want to get used to this.

The autumn came, the leaves started to leave the brown trees and i started lighting candles again. You came over and i found you in my bed, not trying to kiss me. Just being there, being your lazy you. I giggled and you asked me why.

'Because this isnt what im used to' i said right before you kissed me, 'but i can get used to this'. I laughed against your lips.

[writingwithpoise]

If I ever go back to dating

If I ever go back to dating, I want to fall in love with the restaurants on my first date. I will love the food and wine, ill laugh with the waiters and drink my favorite coffee. I will fall in love with the trees we walk under in the beautiful forest we picnicked. I will fall in love with the bright skies we look at, even tho you might not love it as much as I do. I will fall in love with the outfit I wear, smiling at myself in mirrors we spot on our way.

I’ll fall in love with who I am when I get home and I take off all my make-up.  With my messy bun and jogging-clothes. I will fall in love with Monday mornings and i’ll fall in love with all that I used to hate. if I ever go back to dating, I will love myself the way you used to love me. Because that is the kind of love I deserve.

—AF

[juansendizon]

“I hope you choose softness when you can’t feel yourself. Rest, breathe, love, and go with the flow until you feel like a gentle river that everything feels easy again.”

— Juansen Dizon

[writingwithpoise]

The storm inside me

Today I was sitting outside, looking at the dark clouds swallowing the sun before releasing a thunderstorm. It was one of these evenings I couldn’t shake a feeling of unsavety that had nothing to do with the storm outside, but all with the storm within me. I kept thinking about the thing I tried so hard to forget while listening to the thunder. And I remembered I was thirteen when someone first told me I should try to dance in the rain instead of waiting for the storm to pass.

But some storms feels like hurricanes, too heavy to dance in. Other storms I need to feel before they will pass. Sit with it. With all of it.

This evening is one of these storms. The storm inside me. I feel so lonely, yet I know im not. I find comfort in the rain, empathy in the thunder. No one but me can help me get through this.  So I’ll try to dance through the pain.

[writingwithpoise]

And I can’t help but being sad and happy at the same time about you giving me this. A love not worth fighting for.

[writingwithpoise]

Here is to you

So this is for those who keep going. For the ones who feel like screaming their lungs out of their bodies but still feeling invisible. This is for those who keep running and running and trying to take care of all around but totally forget about themselves. Here is for those who starve to be perfect, for those who wear long sleeves in the summer because they don't want people to see. Here is to those who smile all day and every day even through they are crying from the inside. Here is to those who escape in books, to those who try to get a little high by using too much drugs. Here is to you. 

Fuck, I am so proud of y’all because you are still here. And here is the good news: you made it this far. And you’ll come a hell of a lot further. You are doing the best you can and this is good enough. Boys nd girls, keep going. I am proud. 

[writingwithpoise]

Girl, you will make it

Babygirl, you are living for you. And just for you. Not for your parents, or the people who raised you. Not for the expectations your sister or brother has for you, or what your Granda might think. Not for the boy who broke your heart and not for the guy who is warming your heart now either. You are living just for you because at the end of the day, you are the one you are going to spend all of your time with. From all the relationships you’ll ever have, the one with yourself will be the longest, the deepest, the most intense.

And after everything you’ve been through. After all they said and done to you, after all the ‘failures’ and quitting and starting over and after all the saying yes too much and no too little. After all the abuse and trauma, after all the lost and the hurt… Here you are. Shining your light on the world. The flame inside of you might not burn as clearly as it used to, but its still shining. You are still here. You are still going through every day like a f*cking warrior and I couldn’t be more proud of the woman you are today.

And one day, I promise you, one day you’ll look in the mirror and look right into your own eyes and you’ll smile. You’ll think ‘damn girl, you f*cking made it.’ And you’ll continue your day or take a shower or run into the arms of the one you love but you will feel in every damn cell of your body that you belong and you always have belonged. Here, on this earth, in this body. You are right where you are supposed to be and on this day it will all fall into place.

So please babygirl, live for you. Live your greatest life and hold on. Because this day will arrive if you choose to stay in this relationship with yourself. You can do it. Yes, you fucking can.

[hazyhobbit]

… so this is for us. This is for us who sing, write, dance, act, study, run and love and this is for doing it even if no one will ever know because the beauty is in the act of doing it. Not what it can lead to. This is for the times I lose myself while writing, singing, playing and no one is around and they will never know but I will forever remember and that shines brighter than any praise or fame or glory I will ever have, and this is for you who write or play or read or sing by yourself with the light off and door closed when the world is asleep and the stars are aligned and maybe no one will ever hear it or read your words or know your thoughts but it doesn’t make it less glorious. It makes it ethereal. Mysterious. Infinite. For it belongs to you and whatever God or spirit you believe in and only you can decide how much it meant and means and will forever mean and other people will experience it too through you. Through your spirit. Through the way you talk. Through the way you walk and love and laugh and care and I never meant to write this long but what I want to say is: Don’t try to present your art by making other people read or hear or see or touch it; make them feel it. Wear your art like your heart on your sleeve and keep it alive by making people feel a little better. Feel a little lighter. Create art in order for yourself to become yourself and let your very existence be your song, your poem, your story. Let your very identity be your book. Let the way people say your name sound like the sweetest melody. So go create. Take photographs in the wood, run alone in the rain and sing your heart out high up on a mountain where no one will ever hear and your very existence will be the most hypnotising scar. Make your life be your art and you will never be forgotten.

— Charlotte Eriksson (via hazyhobbit)

Thank you so much for sharing this 

[writingwithpoise]

But even at my darkest I still shine and even through I’m hurt I bleed out love. I am worthy of fighting for, by me, for me. I am worthy of saving, of loving, of fighting. I am the love of my life, a love worth fighting for.

Alies (2020) 

[writingwithpoise]

I feel sad

I don’t know why, or how I came here. I don’t know why the tears are burning in my eyes or why I feel so heavy. All I know is this sad feeling, burning deep within my belly. Making my hands shake and my lungs gasp for air.

You didn’t stay but how you left is still here, lingering in the air as I try to be a whole person by myself. And I am, I know I am. I didn’t miss you the past week, because I was doing perfectly fine without you. I didn’t waste more than maybe five to ten thought about you a day. But when I sat down today, after a long day of doing everything I’m supposed to do, I noticed our little plant on my desk, it fell on its side, but remained solid. The plant you so carefully saved after I threw it away. I took it in my hands, with more care and love than you ever held me. And gave it some water and some love. All that’s left of us, inside my palm.

But it’s a lie because you were wrong, and I was right. Our love died that day, the day I told you not to give up. But you already gave up and I didn’t, so I grabbed another leave that you didn’t save from the garbage and placed that one also in the water. It was all a lie; I saved the plant. You didn’t. As your leaves died, and mine lived.

And it’s funny because you always told me to learn how to water myself and here I am, learning to grow on my own. Just like my little plant. Leaving the rest behind to grow roots and maybe even bloom one day again. And I can’t help but being sad and happy at the same time that you gave me this. A love not worth fighting for.

But even at my darkest I still shine and even through I’m hurt I bleed out love. I am worthy of fighting for, by me, for me. I am worthy of saving, of loving, of fighting. I am the love of my life, a love worth fighting for.

Lots of love,

Me