#learning to live

[uninstallyourcomputer]

I think healing is less about “moving on” and more about learning how to keep living while carrying difficult truths about yourself

[nobeerreviews]

I have learned to live my life one step, one breath, and one moment at a time, but it was a long road. I set out on a journey of love, seeking truth, peace and understanding. I am still learning.

-- Muhammad Ali

(Madrid)

[whataboutalex]

FIRST OFF am i the only one who's ao3 doesn't work atm ?? and SECOND OFF.

what is up with people on ao3 and never kudosing/commenting on works ?? like seriosuly. sometimes, i get a comment here and there telling me they love my prose, and that the sotry wrecked them emotionally: and like, great, that was the point! but like. why not kudos it, then? like seriously. it brings down my algorithm, and doesn't reccomend it to as many people ??

LINK TO THE FIC, please consider reading it if you're into the marauders !!

[fallencalliope]

Been standing here for hours it seems,

The voices in the wind saying it's time to go home,

But it feels so good to take in a moment like this,

Letting the air fill my lungs,

The freedom just feels so bitter sweet,

As the sun on horizon embraces my skin,

Now nothing else matters,

Except for this road that I'm taking,

Forging for the first time something that is my own,

Shutting all the noise that kept me from living,

No longer wanting to hide who I was born to be...

©️fallencalliope

[midnitetears]

Finding Me #223

I sat with my thoughts today

and wondered if maybe

I am meant to walk this life alone.

And strangely,

that thought no longer scares me.

Of course,

it would be nice to have someone beside me

someone whose hand fits perfectly in mine,

someone to hold,

someone who loves me

and is loved in return.

But perhaps that isn’t the chapter

I’m meant to be living right now.

A year and six months alone

has taught me something unexpected:

peace.

Not every day is easy.

There are still moments

when I long for a hand to hold,

a shoulder to lean against,

someone to curl into

after a long day.

But in the quiet,

I found healing.

I found room to breathe,

room to reflect,

room to become someone new.

The person I was

used to hide behind insecurities,

afraid of being seen,

afraid of taking up space.

Now I wear the shorts

I once convinced myself I couldn’t.

Now I step into the world

with a little more confidence,

a little more courage,

a little more of myself.

I’ve changed in ways

I never thought possible,

and for the first time

I’m excited to see

who I’ll become next.

Losing you

was one of the hardest things

I’ve ever endured.

It broke me,

shook me,

left me standing among pieces

I didn’t know how to put back together.

But somewhere in that heartbreak,

while I was mourning us,

I found me.

And while losing you

has been painful,

finding myself

has been beautiful.

I used to be afraid of so many things.

Now I am learning

that courage isn’t the absence of fear

it’s choosing to live anyway.

And for the first time in a long time,

I am excited

for the life that still awaits me.

Yours Faithfully 🌻

[thelinguisticpoet]

365 Days Without You

I always thought grief would be black and white, monotonous for the most part. Then I thought it would be grey, like the clouds, right before it rained, holding onto as much as you can till you fall apart. But the past year has taught me that grief has colors, colors no one stops to notice or understand, colors I never thought I’d see again...

Sometimes grief would be blue, like the sky that goes on without an end, it was quiet and calm, maybe a little long yet soothing despite the sorrow deep within. Grief was green, like the trees, grass, and weeds that grew on the side of your grave, grief was growth and life despite the life lost. Grief was red, like the million flowers we arranged atop your grave in hopes you could smell them the way we could, red like the anger that kept seething despite all the rational thoughts and beliefs, a little faulty and unpredictable. Then, grief was yellow, it was funny with a little drop of sunshine where you could only think to find darkness, it was proof you could smile despite adversities. Grief is anything but the gloomy, grey picture we often paint in our heads.

I still vividly remember the day I received the call at work. I had only imagined what pain and sorrow would feel like until that moment, and despite knowing the worst has happened, all I felt was complete numbness. I could have sworn I held my breath on the ride home, wishing the car to speed past traffic lights, but also praying not to reach, not to ever find out what was awaiting me at the end of the journey. I was not prepared for this goodbye despite knowing and feeling its lingering presence for months. I was not ready to let you go… 

I had so much to say and yet silence engulfed me whole for months. I could never quite put my thoughts into words the way I wanted to, I could not speak to a wall thinking your presence filled the room or think of you as an angel living in the heavens above, looking down on me. I could not simply pretend you still were here, yet I could not completely fathom your absence long enough to understand that you were gone forever.

Maybe I was a little mad, but more than anger, it was sadness in a way I had never felt before. It was in knowing nothing would ever come close to having spent decades with you ever again. It was in knowing I could never again hold your hand as we walked through the park, never again drink the coffees that you make or share your favorite strawberry ice creams with you, it was in knowing I could never again hear your voice calling me out as I walked past your room, never again having your presence in celebrations and festivities that you dearly looked forward to. It was in knowing you’d never again sing along to the songs that played on the radio, never again waking up in the wee hours to catch World Cup matches, listening to your commentary and supporting Brazil because that was your favorite team. It was in knowing you’d never be the one who takes up the spot right next to me in family portraits and birthday photographs, it was in knowing I have kissed you goodbye for the last time and put you six feet deep where I could not quite reach you the way I wanted to. My sorrow was tied to never having you again, and knowing that there is still much I needed you for in life. It is tied to the absence and void that I now have to live and make peace with because there isn’t much else to do…

I expected myself to feel lost, to go through tons of emotions, behave irrationally, throw tantrums, and spend most of my days and nights in complete solitude. Life was a far cry from what I’d imagined, I spent most of my days after your loss swamped with work and I was surprisingly good at it. And when I couldn’t breathe, I found myself locked in a toilet or curled up on the bed, holding myself together on the brink of losing it, praying to keep it together for just a bit longer. This was a huge loss for the entire family, and with the emotional rollercoaster we all rode those months, I found it necessary to keep all my pain and sorrow hidden. I made the most jokes, recalled your time with us animatedly and did what I could to make sure everyone was okay. Most days, I kept myself mentally and physically busy to the point when I hit the bed, there was no room for thinking, let alone overthinking. All I did for a good six months or so, was work, exhaust myself and sleep.

Life took a complete turn overnight and I was nowhere near prepared for a death I knew was coming and would completely shatter me.

Tell me, how does one prepare for the complete absence of a loved one for the rest of whatever forever we have left…

I am grateful for photographs and videos of you; they bring you back whole to me for a split second every time I catch a glimpse of them. Sometimes, with my eyes closed, I could swear I feel you right here with me. In the moments I spend most alone, most broken and find myself hurting and longing for your comforting hug and presence, I feel myself break in a way I could never explain. But in those very moments, I think you’re somewhere nearby, holding my hands, silently sitting with me, the way you always did. I know you are right here. 

You’re in every flower that blooms in my garden, in every innocent smile and laughter of every child I meet on the streets, in the black coffees I drink every morning now, and in your favorite songs that play constantly on my playlist. You’re everywhere I turn, and it is not painful anymore. It’s comforting to know the things you’ve left behind in the form of objects, routines, and habits help hold me together in knowing you’re just as much here as you were before when I feel a little abandoned in life.

It still feels like you’re asleep in an unknown, unfindable room in this house, I still wait to see if you’d come walking down the hall whenever we gather for family time like you always do, I still think you’re here whenever I turn another corner or sit on your couch waiting for you to magically appear again as though nothing went amiss, like the past year didn't happen. I wonder if I prayed long and hard enough, if you'd come right back and life would resume playing out the way it was supposed to.

Sitting here, I could tell you I did not believe I’d make it past the first 24 hours, let alone a whole year. It feels surreal, like a never-ending dream I hope to awaken from and find you laughing with me as I recall every little detail, but it all feels less probable and more an unchanged reality as time passes by. With every day that begins and ends without you, know that I carry you in my heart, know that every step I take and every single thing I do, will embody you, and it will be something I hope makes you proud.

Tell me what I missed when I see you again, tell me how much you missed me and hold me till I feel whole again, tell me all your wonderful adventures from when you were young again even though I remember every story, every word, by heart, the way I do you.

I will always hold you in my heart for whatever life and eternity there is left to live,

with eternal love,

Rose.

In loving memory of my most beloved grandfather♥️

© Raina Rose 

[adharagranley-writer]

we're all here for the first time. be kind