Wee superhero part 7
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Kara flew aimlessly through the cold air at top speed up near the atmosphere with no goal in mind. The image of herself kissing Lena haunted her each time she dared to slow down.
She had probably circled the globe a dozen times by the time she finally slowed down. She stopped noticing too far from National City, above a large city block that just lost its electricity. She relished the all encompassing darkness and took a seat at a nearby skyscraper.
“Not much for the view.” She really should've expected Mxy to appear, yet his voice still caught her off guard, making her jump in place.
“Did you do it?” She demanded the imp to spill. “You changed me – her?!”
“And what are you referring to?” He said in such a casual way she wanted to rip off his hair.
“What did you change in this time?” She asked again, hoping to sound more composed and in control.
He only eyed her figure in an obvious glare.
“Beside that.” Kara shouted in annoyance and averted her gaze into the dark surrounding.
“Nothing else.” He admitted with such an honest tone that Kara found it hard to dispute his words. “I can bring you back if you are displeased with the results. Try again.” He suggested.
Kara said nothing. Unsure how to really react. If this thing really was untampered by Mxy, would a different attempt create a different result? Would she manage to get a good one? Was this attempt even a good one? She figured she would have to wait it out to see.
Electricity returned to the city and with it light started popping up all around them like fireflies overtaking the city, growing and shaping the metropolis around them.
It reminded her of the light festival back in Krypton when they would turn off all the lights just before the main event to reveal each year's magnificent light performance. She had always loved it and hoped to participate in one day. To plan her own special light show to commemorate Rao.
The memory came flooding in uninvited. It was clearer than ever. Her last light festival on Krypton, Tali's hand grasping hers, leading her away to a quiet spot where they could watch the show atop a nearby structure, away from the large crowd. They were just shy of being assigned a partner by the matrix. She remembered their talk about the future, Tali's hand in hers, the kiss.
Oh, Rao, they kissed! Realisation washed over her like a cold bucket of ice water. Show of affection was already taboo in Kryptonian society and even more so with a person not assigned as your partner by the matrix. But she had kissed Tali! Worst of all, she remembered distinctly wanting to just before their lips met.
Kara felt as if the world was spinning all of a sudden and needed to grab hold of the building's edge to keep herself from collapsing onto the roof. She kissed Tali. She wanted to. Probably just as much as her other self wanted to kiss Lena.
Kara shook her head but the guilt in her stomach became harder to ignore. She had run after her kiss with Tali and refused to look her in the eye afterwards. Not long after that she was sent in a pod to a strange new planet, away from everything she knew. Her people died, and Tali with them. They never got to make amends, Kara never got to apologise for running away or even see if they were compatible through the matrix after all.
Kara let out a small bitter chuckle at her new realisation. So she had always been like that. Afraid to stray from the norm like her life was dependent on it. Her life really was dependent on it once she landed on earth. That was her survival mode for so many years, but was that restricting her from living her life? Wasn't she doomed to live in regret?
Wasn't it why she ended up in this whole mess to begin with? She refused to let Lena in and paid the price. She would continue to pay this price on every single relationship in her life until she would do something about it.
Kara promised to not give up on Lena, but first she would have to not give up on herself. It was like a light switch, as if the answers were always right in front of her but were simply shrouded in darkness until she turned on the light. It was so obvious. It was laughable how obvious it was, yet she refused to see it for so long. There was a huge relief followed by sadness at the thought, but she knew better than to dwell on it. She still had many uncertainties, but she decided it was better to confront them then to run away and hide.
“Okay there space buckaroo?” Mxy's voice brought her back to the present.
“Yeah,” Kara heard herself saying. “Yeah, I'm fine.” She jumped off the ledge, keeping her afloat at the same height she was sitting in and dusted her clothes off from whatever clinged to her clothes through her flight.
“So what are you planning to do now?” He asked.
“Face my future.” She declared both to him and herself. She puffed her chest up and flew back to her apartment.
It was a shorter flight this time around, now that she had an actual destination. It was quite late by the time she arrived, yet her old self was still awake, sitting on her couch sipping tea. She was waiting for her, Kara realised.
“I'm sorry.” Kara blurred out as she passed through the open window.
“Oh, I'm glad you're okay.” Her old self rushed to hug her with relief.
“I'm sorry I ran away.” She repeated, feeling as small as she looked.
“It's okay, I just… it got me spiralling.” Her old self let her go and offered her a cup of tea which Kara gratefully accepted.
“It just… caught me off guard. I wasn't prepared for… this.” Kara still found it hard to verbalise.
“So you and Lena had never…?”
“No.”
“Oh.” Her old self said, stirring the cup in her hand.
They drank out their tea in silence that felt both awkward and comforting at the same time.
“We kissed Tali.” Kara said, braiking the silence.
“Yes.” Her older self chuckled. “Did you only just remember it?”
“Yes. When did you realise it?” She asked.
“Last time we talked about her. It came to me in a dream and it was difficult to think of nothing else afterwards.” Her old self sent her a small smile.
Kara hummed in understanding. It was all she could think about as well. Tali and, well, Lena.
“I was afraid.” Her old self admitted. “But after remembering that kiss, I couldn't stop the train of thoughts. And Lena… I couldn't stop thinking about Lena. And at that point I decided that I no longer want to lie to myself.”
And with that Kara’s thoughts – as if betraying her by the mention of the woman she had crossed time for – flooded her mind with possibilities of realities not presented to her before. Kissing Lena, holding her hand, holding her close, sleeping by her side, waking up to her every morning.
It dawned on her how much she wanted that, how much she wanted to have that with Lena.
“What made you stop… being afraid?” Kara asked in a small voice.
“You.” Her old self said, much to Kara's surprise.
“Me?”
“Yes. The way you spoke about Lena, about how important she was to you, I figure– well – I figured you knew more than me about our relationship and you just couldn't say it.”
“That makes sense.” She had agreed. Looking at it from the side, she could see how she may have thought that. She briefly wondered if she would've done the same only to realise she clearly already did.
“You told her?” Kara asked, only now realising she never asked.
“Yes. I told her everything. Our secret and how I felt.”
“And she felt the same?” Kara couldn't help but ask.
“Was it not obvious?” Her old self chuckled lightly.
“Is she a good kisser?” Kara found herself wondering.
“Yes.” Her old self’s cheeks grew a rosy red and her smile grew despite her struggles to contain it. “So what now?” Her old self asked.
“Now,” Kara got up from the couch and placed down her tea mug on the table. “Now, you go and live your best life, and make sure it's a good one because I'm counting on it.”
“And you?”
“I'll make sure we are safe.” She gave her a small smile. “Thank you.”
“Thank you.” Her old self smiled at her in return. “And safe travel.”
Kara gave her a small nod and flew away, back to the cold air of the night.
“Mxy.” Kara called out, summoning the imp to her side.
“Giving up?” He popped out to her left as if moving from behind her.
“No. I want to move in time to see if there are any threats down the line now that Lena knows the truth.”
“And you're… okay with this time?” He searched her eyes intently.
“Yes.” She said decisively.
Mxy chewed on his lip in contemplation. “And you're sure?”
“Yes.” She repeated.
“Okay, okay.” He sighed. “If you're ready.”
He clicked his fingers before she had time to replay again.
They appeared in the sky again above the city, only this time it was day time.
“Alien invasion.” He said and waved his hands around them to the streaming alien ships around them.
“The Daxamites?” She recalled.
“Yes! They will kill Lena this time.” He said casually.
Kara wasted no time and flew in to protect her. This time she got to fight the Daxamites head on, punching and kicking anyone who dared to get close to Lena. Kara stayed around until the threat was neutralised completely and flew back up to summon Mxy again.
She was then thrusted into a gang showdown with alien weapons, to defending Lena and Alex from her red kryptonite affected self, to a new operation orchestrated by Lex, to less intimidating foes like wayward assassination plots, rogue aliens and small-time villains.
Despite the overflowing consecutive fights she endured, it was sweet to see glimpses of the new life she had created. Her new photos with Lena, Lena moving in and later on both of them moving out to a more secure location. A proposal. A marriage.
“A T-rex was revived and will eat everyone you love.” Mxy said idly once they made another jump forward in time, gesturing to an area of town where smoke followed a towering giant lizard looking monster.
“A T-rex?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes.”
“Shouldn't a dinosaur have feathers?” Kara asked as the lizard monster raised its head to roar loudly.
“Are you gonna save your friends or not?”
“Right, right.” She nodded and flew in.
Kara saved the crowd with ease while her other self defeated the monster, returning to Mxy not even ten minutes later.
“What next?” Kara asked. She was tired. Very tired if she was honest with herself, but seeing this new future unfold was worth it. This was the future she would fight tooth and nail for.
He studied her longer than usual before closing his eyes. It looked like he was deeper in thoughts than just studying the future. “You're done.” He sighed.
“Done?”
“Yup. You saved the day. Congratulations.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” He clapped his hand in a more sarcastic manner than a celebratory one. “You've done it. Good on you.”
“Great! Then take me back.” This news invigorated her and filled her with so much excitement it was hard to contain herself. She couldn't wait to see her new house, to share her life with Lena and see what else the future had in store for her.
Mxy hesitated, but reluctantly snapped his fingers again.
Her height was the first thing she noticed, Kara didn't appreciate the average height of an adult being until that very moment. Kids were way too small.
She looked at her hands, checking she had the right proportions just to make sure, and raised her head to the window to study her reflection, confirming she was back to normal.
Kara happily flopped on her couch, finally getting a moment to relax after the fighting marathon she survived. It took her longer to realise something was wrong. She got up quickly and looked around.
“No.” She said, “No, no, no, no!” Her words became louder with each one she spoke. “Mxy, this is wrong!” She shouted.
“Can you be more specific?”
“This is my apartment!”
“Yes?”
“This is my apartment the way it was before the change!” Kara explained.
“Mmm.” He hummed in agreement, remaining calm despite Kara's growing fury.
“I saw that! I was in a new place with Lena! We are together! We are–” She looked around her home, studied her phone, perhaps it carried some proof of her relationship with Lena.
No.
They were the same unanswered texts she sent before the change. Before she fixed reality for her.
Kara fell to the floor. Tears blurred her visions as small sobs managed to escape her lips despite her protests. That couldn't be it. That couldn't be it. She changed reality! She saved them all! She made sure of it!
“You know.” Mxy spoke, reminding her of his presence in the room. “When I gave you a wish I didn't realise you planned on really changing the past.”
“What –"She swallowed a sob and wiped out some of her tears. “What do you mean?”
“I thought maybe you wanted money, fame, maybe a pony! But changing the past…”
She clenched her fist tightly and in one fell swoop, grabbed the front of Mxy's shirt, anger and fury quickly replacing the sorrow she felt only seconds ago.
“What. Do. You. Mean?” She emphasised every word. She wouldn't be surprised if her eyes were glowing bright red.
“You can still ask for a pony if you want! I can get one for you real quick.” He squeaked out. Unsatisfied with his answer she pressed him to the wall only for him to disappear with a flick of his fingers and reappear behind her, sitting calmly on her table. “You really ought to work on your manners.”
“Mxy why is the world not fixed?!” She demanded.
“The world is never fixed! There will always be shortcomings and problems plaguing it at every turn.” He continued defensively, but behind his words, Kara realised what he refused to say out loud.
“You can't change the past.” It was not a question. The realisation felt like ice spreading through her veins, cold and unsettling.
“I'm afraid that may have been slightly beyond my capabilities.” He finally admitted. “But as I said the pony offer is still very much on the table!”
“If you can't change the past, what was all of that about?! The attempts, the realities –”
“Illusions.” He corrected but Kara didn't care.
“What was it all about? Why didn't you just admit it?”
“Well, it was certainly entertaining.” He said with a shrug, but seeing her flaring gaze move towards him urged him to continue. “I hoped that if you see that there is no other good path for you to choose from, you will just… accept reality as it was.” He waved his hands at the room around them.
“So it was fake? All of it?” Kara had to grasp at a nearby chair. It was suddenly getting harder to breathe.
“It was based on what could've happened – all based on past events and your psychy, but essentially yes. It was like a very vivid dream if you would like.”
“No! That's not what I've… no!”
“I mean, it seems like you have learned a lot through the experience! You learned more about yourself!”
“But that wasn't real, was it?” She asked, still gripping at her realisation.
“You're the one who said that you no longer want to lie to yourself, so you tell me.” He shrugged and Kara felt as if her world was crumbling around her. “Or was it the other you? I can't keep track.” He mumbled.
“Leave.” She commanded him, her tone low and heavy.
“Are you sure? I can still –”
“Leave!” She repeated louder this time and the imp disappeared without a trace.
Kara paced around her apartment. This place had always filled her with warmth and comfort, now it felt cold and strange. She yearned for the other reality so badly she wanted to scream uncontrollably and burn her place to the ground. But that wouldn't change anything. Apparently nothing could.
She felt helpless and so emotionally and physically drained. She needed answers but had no clue where to even start to get them. It was an instinctive choice to fly over to Alex, she wasn’t even sure why.
Kara stopped before her building and decided to walk up and knock on her door. Alex invited her in and Kara was glad to learn Kelly was not there at the moment.
“Hey, what's up?” Alex asked after giving her a brief hug.
“I just…” Kara was looking for the words but nothing came out. “It’s my fault.” she finally said, her voice barely stronger than a whisper.
“What?” Alex looked genuinely confused.
“It's my fault.” Kara broke down, no longer managing to keep herself composed in any way. She fell into her sister's open arms, tears streaming down her face.
“Hey, hey, Kara, what's wrong? What happened?” Alex asked as she guided her inside.
Kara tried to answer but she couldn’t form words beyond her sobs.
“Was it Mxy? Did he do something? He promised he came to help but I swear if he did –”
“No.” Kara managed to say. “I messed up Alex. I messed up so badly.”
“Come on, let's get you a drink and you can tell me all about it.”
It reminded her of the conversation she had only recently with her other self back at the other reality – or illusion or whatever it was. The scolding tea mug warmed her hands and she felt more composed after going through several tissue boxes and a few sips of tea.
“I'm not normal, Alex.” Kara finally said.
“You mean the fact that you're an alien?” Her sister chuckled lightly.
“No. Well, not only that. I'm weird.” She took a sip of her tea and let it calm her senses and give her the courage to come out. About everything. “I don't like small talk about the weather, and pretending to order healthy food, and following fashion trends to not stand out, or trying to keep everything bottled up inside me, or use the correct body language all the time, and keep up appearances.” Kara was out of breath by the end of it and somehow felt even more drained than before.
Alex nodded and took a long sip of her tea before she spoke. “You do realise you do none of those things, right?”
“What?” That was not the response she was anticipating.
“You never order anything remotely healthy to eat, you overshare before a conversation even gets started, you never – and I mean it in the best possible way – never dress in any trend that ever was, you always express yourself with your whole body and you are always yourself to a fault.”
Kara wasn't sure how the words made her feel so exposed, but she felt naked and small all of a sudden. “What? No, I–” her defensive approach was an instinct more than a conscious decision, but the rest of it died on her lips.
“Kara, let me finish.” Alex interjected. “That is not a bad thing! You are you. You know who you are and what you like and that's a great thing.”
“I don't think that it's true at all.” Kara shook her head.
“What do you mean? When did you need to pretend otherwise?” Alex’s concern was so genuine it brought tears to her eyes yet again.
“All the time! I need to pass as human! To be normal! I can't afford being different! I can't be anything other than average or stand out!”
“Kara what is it about?” Alex asked, her voice softer as she studied her.
For a brief moment she contemplated lying again and running off, but she did want to come clean, be truthful to herself like her other self dared to be. “I’m in love with Lena.”
“Oh,” Alex said. “I see.”
“You do?”
“Yes,” Alex chuckled lightly and moved to sit beside her, giving her a side hug on the couch. “Coming out is hard. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. I remember this part.”
“What part?”
“The one where you feel like your entire life has been built on lies? Like every part of your personality is fake and you are not sure what being yourself even means?”
“Yeah, that.” It was amazing just how precise Alex's words landed on her. “So it's a universal thing?” There was both relief and horror in that statement.
“I'm afraid so. Maybe it's a Danvers sisters exclusive, but I highly doubt that.”
“But what do I do Alex? I messed up so badly! I lied to her for so long and I lashed out on her! I was so terrible, Alex!”
“You…” whatever Alex was about to say died on her lips. Her expression changed to something softer and somber. “We all made mistakes and it was not all on you. I’m sorry for the way I told you to handle the situation with Lena, but we can’t change the past.”
Kara snorted at the phrase. Oh, she knew that part all too well.
“I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you made amazing progress today and I'm proud of you. Whether Lena and you can go back to the way things used to be, or become anything more, I really don't know, but I know you will be amazing and find your happiness. Wherever it may be. With or without Lena.”
“I can’t live without her.” That was the one truth she knew for certain.
Alex pulled her in closer and held her tight. “You can go and talk to her, but just know that no matter what happens, even if things don’t turn out great with Lena, they will turn up great eventually.”
Kara decided to repress the second part of Alex’s speech. “Okay.” She said, getting up abruptly with renewed determination. “I’ll go talk to Lena.”
“Wait, now? Kara, you look exhausted, don’t you want to sleep on it first and come to it more prepared?”
“No, I won’t be able to sleep unless I talk to her.” Not to mention making plans didn't really work out great for her recently.
“Kara, I really don’t think that's smart right now.”
“I have to do it, Alex!”
“I agree, but don’t you think you would be able to come a lot clearer to the conversation after a good night of sleep?”
“No!” Kara insisted.
“Okay, okay. I said my piece I guess.” Alex sighed at Kara’s relentlessness.
“Thank you Alex, really.”
“Of course. No matter what happens you are always my kid sister.”
“I’m not a kid.” she retorted all too quickly before she even realised it.
“Alright, superbaby, whatever you say.”
“That’s – !” Kara decided it was better not to say anything more and bid her sister goodnight before leaving for Lena’s.
— — —
Kara stopped just above Lena’s penthouse and landed back on the pavement below. She decided to approach her on even grounds. She waved at Samuel, the guard at the entrance of the building and punched the code for Lena’s floor. She stood in front of her door longer than necessary, contemplating about bolting several more times before she dared to knock.
Lena didn’t immediately answer the door, but when she did, it wasn’t open wide to invite her in like usual, but a thin crack showing mostly her severe expression.
“What are you doing here?” Lena asked coldly. Her eyes looked dark and sunken, which told her Lena was probably not sleeping much.
“Can we talk?” Kara asked.
“Should I be honored that you knocked like a normal person instead of invading through my window?” Lena didn’t move to let her in, her gaze studying her closely and Kara could faintly smell the lingering scent of scotch from her mouth.
“Please, Lena, can we talk?”
Lena studied her a moment longer before finally opening up her door and stepping inside. She didn’t gesture for her to come in, but simply walked inside leaving the door wide open. Kara took it as the closest thing to an invite she would get and closed the door behind her.
Kara shifted in place, unsure if to move further inside, or stay by the door. Lena walked to her standing bar with no indication they were about to sit down.
“You wanted to talk, so talk.” Lena said sharply as she poured herself another glass.
“I made a mistake,” Kara started and Lena let out a dark chuckle in response. “I told you I realised too late that by keeping my secret I was hurting you and how sorry I was, well, am – I’m still very sorry – but today I had a chance to change that, or at least I thought I did.” She swallowed hard. Not even ten seconds into the conversation and here she was already lost in her own words. “I was visited by a fifth dimensional imp I had a history with – long story,” She added at Lena’s confused look. “But he offered me a wish as a way to repent for his past actions against me, and I asked to change the past so I could tell you my secret earlier.”
Lena raised a brow at her and looked around at their unchanged reality.
“I tried again and again. I spent the past few hours reliving weeks of attempts of me trying to tell you the truth at different times, but at the end something always went wrong and you, me or everyone we love ended up dead because of it.”
“How about not meeting at all? Sounds like it would solve everything.” Lena said grimly and took a sip of her drink.
“I tried that too. It was probably the worst one there.”
“What’s your point?” Lena slammed her glass on the table.
“I’m getting there. I then tried a different approach and spent weeks living alongside our past selves to make sure nothing bad would happen. It was the best attempt yet. It took me what felt like months really, but I made sure this time was safe.”
Lena once again gestured to the space around them before sipping from her drink again. Kara debated if to reveal the information about their relationship but thought better of it.
“When I returned, Mxy – the imp – finally told me that none of that was real. It was all some sort of highly calculated probability simulation and that the past cannot be changed. And… Well, I think I get it now. The past cannot be changed, our mistakes are our own and we have to live with the consequences. Even if I could change the past it would be unfair to you and the pain I have caused you, pain I will forever be sorry and ashamed about. So if the past was carved into stones, but the future is yet to be written…” She trailed off, unsure how to say what she wanted to say. “All of that is to say that,” Kara took a deep breath. “All of it is to say how sorry I am. I see the pain I caused you and it was my doing and if you let me I will spend a lifetime to repent, but I can’t give up on you Lena.”
Kara paused to see how Lena reacted, but her face gave up nothing, she only tightened her hold on her glass but didn’t move or take another sip. Kara was surprised to learn she still had tears left in her to shed, but she wiped them off as quickly as they arrived and wished them to stop.
“Lena, you are the most amazing, kind, beautiful soul I have ever met and I don’t want to live my life without you in it. I promise to tell you everything you want to know, to never withhold anything or do anything behind your back. I realise how horrible I've been, how unfair I have acted. I know I can’t take it back. I can never take it back no matter how much I wish I could. So know that this is a fact that will follow me forever, and I vow to never hurt you, or anyone else like that again. But I also can’t live with myself if I won’t try to fight to keep you in my life, because you're worth everything.”
Lena was still, frozen in place as she stared at Kara. The moment stretched longer making every second feel like eternal torture.
“Say something.” Kara said weakly. She felt as if her entire form was about to break into pieces and she was hanging on by a thread.
Lena didn't immediately respond. Her eyes found Kara’s and there was something dark in the way she was eyeing her. She mumbled something under her breath but it was so low even her superhearing couldn't pick up on it.
“What?” Kara asked.
“Leave.” Lena said clearly this time, her tone low and raw.
“But, um…” Kara wasn’t sure what to do. She only just poured her heart out. She was expecting to be shouted at, a conversation, anything really. She wasn't expecting to be forgiven by any means, but that was… abrupt.
“Leave.” Lena repeated, louder this time.
“I will, I promise, but just know that I–”
“Leave!” The command was accompanied by a violent thud of Lena’s no doubt very expensive scotch glass that collided with Kara’s body and shattered into pieces, leaving Kara with a large scotch stain and shattered glass all around her.
“Okay.” Kara said mostly to herself. “Okay.” She repeated and flew out of the open window failing to hold up tears.
Ko-fi
