“Pick ME!” Do YOU Have Good Friendship Traits?
Have you ever wondered what makes for a ‘good friend?’ And how you may nor may not stack up when it comes to those qualities? This helps explain why you might have a lot of friends, or not too many.
Some essentials of friendship are “expected” no matter what else is going on. I’m talking about things like: kindness, honesty, trustworthiness, good listener, ‘has your back’ (loyalty), ‘there for you,’ cares about your life, makes time for you, reciprocates, etc.
I’m going to fly right past those traits because it is ASSUMED that you’ll have them. It’s like breathing and basic table manners. If you can’t fog a mirror or ask nicely for the salt shaker, then you don’t advance to the next level.
So when people tell me they can’t make friends even though they’re “nice” and they’re “helpful,” I can’t help but think those are such basic qualities that they won’t make you stand out in any way. Sure, they’re nice to have, but they’re more like doors and windows. Every house has them. What people REALLY want to know is if there’s a gourmet kitchen and a pool.
So what’s the Friendship Equivalent of the fancy kitchen and pool/spa combo? If you don’t already have these traits, is it worth trying to develop them? Does it mean you’re ‘changing who you are’ in order to please others? (“Take me as I AM or not at all!”)
Well, I’d argue that social skills are SKILL in the same sense that tennis players have a skill. They don’t just walk onto the court as a novice and insist that people take them onto the tennis team even though they haven’t had a lesson or practiced. “Making the tennis team” requires at least a little effort, right? Not just insisting that the tennis serve you were born with is the one you’re going to play with no matter what the ‘experts’ say. “The REAL me has a horrible serve! Just deal with it!”
You are not stuck with the sum total of your traits as they exist in this moment. Those things are inclinations you were born with, but if nobody taught you how to be your best self, can you really say that you’re anywhere close to that right now? And is there any reason you can’t make major improvements?
The answer is no. There’s nothing stopping you from developing new positive traits other than your own mindset. So let’s look at some special qualities that people find almost universally appealing, I call them ECHO.
These are: Enthusiasm, Confidence, Humor and Optimism. Having just one of these traits is helpful. Having more than one will be a big boost to your ability to make friends.
Please don’t walk away in despair if you don’t currently have the ECHO traits. They all can be cultivated, developed and improved. And before you accuse me of wanting to turn us all into Socially Mindless Identical Robots Kowtowing (SMIRK – sorry, I love a fun acronym!), let me assure you that everyone’s version of those things is different based on our individual personalities. So, my style of enthusiasm won’t look like yours. Your idea of confidence won’t be the same as your brother’s. Your boss’s sense of humor won’t be like yours. And optimism will come out differently depending on whether it’s you or your partner expressing it. So no, we will NOT look like socially identical robots. But we WILL build better social habits!
A brief explanation of why each trait is valuable, and keep in mind, most people don’t have all four of the traits:
1. **Enthusiasm** This trait is quite RARE to find. It’s a trait I associate with childhood exuberance and lack of self consciousness. It’s the ability to feel comfortable expressing unbridled passion for: yourself, other people, Life Itself! You have to calibrate it to the topic, but instead of giving the usual, “that’s nice” or “that’s great” with a lukewarm smile, instead you are cutting loose with some joy, some excitement, a fist pump or a fist bump, eyes aglow with energy. In other words, try to summon up the Pure Joy of an 8-Year-Old and inject that into the adult world. People welcome that because the world needs more joy and passion.
2. **Confidence** Oh, such a fine line! It can be SO hard to express this well, and SO effective if you get it right. Where people get it wrong: tipping over into arrogance, causing people to think you’re obnoxious or self-important. Another mistake: FAKING confidence, only to be revealed as an imposter once something goes wrong and your carefully constructed façade melts into an awkward pool of nervous tension. True confidence comes from two things: deliberately doing something positive for the world each and every day so that you KNOW the planet is a better place because YOU showed up. And practicing your warm and welcoming vibe every chance you get until it’s a superpower. Once it’s a superpower, NO ONE can take it away from you. But you need to practice OUTSIDE your social life in every boring interaction. Like it’s a tennis serve!
3. **Humor** I am NOT referring to ‘telling jokes.’ I’m also not referring to ‘being an entertainer.’ And I am DEFINITELY not referring to having fun at other people’s expense or ‘roasting them.’ None of that. By ‘humor’ I mean the ability to not take things totally seriously. The ability to relax and ‘have fun with things.’ I’m referring primarily to a playful attitude. It’s just as important to BE A GOOD AUDIENCE for other people. In fact, this may be MORE important than being the funny person. I have a great sense of humor, and it isn’t because I’m terribly funny. It’s because I’m EASILY AMUSED. By both life, and the people around me. If you think you need help in this area I’d suggest finding a few comedians who appeal to you and watch them do some routines or interviews in online videos. Get a feel for their observations about life. Try adapting parts of their style into subjects from your life. You can do this without doing an imitation. Most importantly try to capture that relaxed and playful attitude. Try to make one new funny observation each day. GROW your sense of humor!
4. **Optimism** While friendships DO obviously allow us to complain and vent about stupid stuff that happens in our lives, in general it’s helpful to have an optimistic take on life. Nobody wants to be brought down by negativity, even friends who are trying to be helpful. Balance your bad stuff with the good stuff, and make sure the good stuff is a higher percentage. There are plenty of people who routinely complain. It’s incredibly habit-forming, so if that’s YOU, think about ways you can break the habit by inserting a positive thought every time a negative comment wants to bust out of you. You get MORE of what you focus on, so find ways to focus on the positive!
Most people don’t have all four of these traits, so pick two and start working on them. It’s like improving your tennis game (or any other sport, craft, art or activity). It won’t happen just because you wish it will. You have to WANT it enough to practice daily.
Then, instead of friends being a matter of “luck,” it’ll be because people enjoy hanging out with you. Doesn’t that sound better? Like “Game, set, MATCH!”
*********************************
©Patricia Reilly Panara & "CPR For Your Social Life" 2023
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
origamiaround
areudirty
theartofmadeline
