It's 1:52am. I have to be up for work in roughly 5.5 hours and I can't sleep. I've been struggling a lot with my mental health lately and I don't know what to do. Everytime I think that it's improving, BAM there it is again, making me miserable. I know I shoild probably see a therapist and I'm gonna work on actually doing that. But for now I'm just gonna vent into the void of Tumblr and hope it helps. And if not, then I didn't really lose anything but some time since I can't sleep anyways.
This weekend has been pretty solid. But now that I'm alone all the thoughts are creeping back. I've recently found out that my job is paying people they just hired quite a bit more money than me for the same job I'm doing, and working my ass off doing for the last year . But I've been sick quite a bit lately so I'm afraid to ask for a raise in fear that they will just laugh in my face for asking since I've been gone a lot. And honestly my job is pretty okay and I was fine with it until I found out people that haven't even been with the company long enough for the benefits to kick in are getting paid more. Also recently my brand new less than 6 month old vehicle was hit in front of my house and totaled. It took them a month to tell me they were gonna total it, leaving me three days on my rental car before I would be without a car. And The gap insurance still hasn't paid their part of the pay off, and so I've been borrowing my grandmother's car for the last month and a half which she complains about often despite my doing my best to be accommodating. But I can't get a new car til that one is paid off and no longer on my credit and my mother's. I have to have her cosign because I don't have credit and the payment would eat me alive if I didn't. But we can't just go get another car because she consigned for a friend of hers. This friend then quit her job and moved out of state. My mom has been paying that car payment despite not having the car in her possession all to not fuck her credit all because her friend hasn't been making the payments. But she's too big of a pussy to confront her friend and get the car back.
I feel just stuck here. I feel like I'm stuck in this rut of wanting stuff that I see no real obtainable chance of having. I want a new car. I want to just get out of this town for a bit. I want a house. But I just can't do it alone and my boyfriend is trying to get a job and all that. I don't fault him for not having one yet and it's not like I want him to support me or anything either. And I don't even know if things will change much when he does get one. I'm just stuck here. Unable to do anything both because of the lack of funds and the lack of motivation. I just am not interested in anything anymore. I just don't do things I like and I don't even know why. I used to write. I used to want to be a writer but now I'm not even sure I could. I mean this shit is all jumpy and poorly written. How could I ever be a writer? Ugh. I used to cosplay too, and want to learn photography. But all of that is used to. Even though I want to do those things, I just don't. Whether it be because of the time needed to be good at those things, or the lack of funds. I just don't.
I've been writing this for like twenty minutes though I need to stop. Sorry.
