[xxmanifest8]

Hello, this is Rudolph. Yes, a human version of Rudolph from the Christmas movie. Anyway, Ru talks in third person as per training by another alter. Ru is happy to make friends and his dms r open just be respectful.

[xxmanifest8]

"I stopped begging when I cried to God to save me and nobody came, He didn't stop it or come, so I became my own God after enduring and surviving it. Then they wonder why I don't believe...you try hiding under a bed as someone three times your size runs after you, so you pray but you get dragged out anyway, nobody answers your prayers or your screams..." -Me.

[xxmanifest8]

My movements became automated, slow and careful

My eyes hazy yet clear

My self floating and mind roaring with static I didn't understand at the time

They called me demon until I broke, screamed at me then said it was all a joke then mocked my anger and dismiss it

If they knew how bruised my knees were from kneeling for them, how many times I've almost passed for and from them, would that change anything in their eyes?

No, I don't think so.

They have seen how far I'll go, they have seen me fall and still, they tighten the leash until it chokes.

That is the tragedy, you know, of the hell I live in.

One can see a tea cup about to break, and instead of trying to fix it, they'll act like the crack isn't there or dismiss it at all or blame the crack on the cup or they keep pushing and pushing until the cup is pushed off the table

I can't let the cup fall.

When it breaks, they'll sweep it under the rug and any who ask about the cup will be told it was the cups fault, it was a bad cup...

So I have to keep going, stuck in this loop, hoping and dreaming away in a room. I have to be a good weapon for them, a good dog for them.

[xxmanifest8]

This aching cold freezes me, this numbness spreads over me

My limbs become heavy and I hear the static in my mind

How many the chain she had designed?

Rip them off, restart again, only to find another broken piece

Another loop begins

Leading back to a harsh hand instead of a gentle one

A learned response to growl at a soft touch

I hate her, I love her, I fear her, I owe her my life all has been said by her on loop until I repeated or agreed

After a while, what she said I felt and thought

Those above like her, looked and saw my empty smile and said I was fine

Sending me home back to her

A doll to her dollhouse with a overgrown child who doesn't know how to take care of her toys

This doll's ribbons have gotten caught around her wrists and neck, threatening to strangle with each shakey step she takes across this tight rope called survive another life

How long until she falls and the ribbons hang her completely?

[xxmanifest8]

TW- r word mentioned. She says we aren't normal. That we are insane and need to go into a mental hospital cause we told her we were bi n that our house was haunted. She said we needed to 'act like a lady' n told us we knew what was gonna happen when we told her we had been r worded then scoffed n laughed at us n rolled her eyes. She's kept calling us weird. In the beginning of the month, she was sweet, funny nice, but as the month as passed n we thought we could drop the fake happy mask we had started with in the beginning, she started calling us weird n saying we needed to have a kid n get out n go places n get out of our room, as if it's our choice to stay n when we try to tell her that, she says excuses we must like staying in there. She says we need to have more friends as if thats easy then says shes gonna tell our guardian to put us in a mental hospital when we get back in a day. We couldn't tell if she was joking n she teased us n wouldn't tell us n until we begged then she said we obviously know she just joking as she laughed. We didn't know she was just joking. That threat of being sent to a mental hospital has been used against us by our guardian n she knew that...we don't know how to feel.

[xxmanifest8]

They trained me to be their dog.

Lol

Fine.

Let's bark shall we?

Let's see what happens when I rip that god damn leash from the ground.

Let's play a game.

See who wins.

See who's faster.

Can I get out before they catch me or will they catch me before I try?

[xxmanifest8]

Uh yeah bitch, I'm sassy and sarcastic. Ya think everyone deserves me as polite n respectful? Nah man. Doesn't mean I ain't being respectful in a sassy sarcastic way btw, but there's certain people who just see the bitch side of me...and it's for a reason. If I'm calm, gentle, I trust you, therefore you will see the boa wearing pearl having masterpiece that is me as well as the sweet soft cute person. If I'm a rude ass cunt, maybe try not being a rude ass cunt to me first. FUCK! It's not hard, just be nice to get nice and fuck the people who try to be a dick to u, if u nice to them n they mean to u, fuck them (NO NOT LITERALLY, I SEE U PAST ME GOING 'FUCK THEM?! HOW TF DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?!') they ain't worth ur time. Leave n find better people that will treat u as u deserve.

[xxmanifest8]

Diamonds? Rubies? Pearls? Um yes. I deserve them. Won't they look just fetching? Of course they will! Everything looks absolutely stunning on me! I am the best because I sit up with pride in myself. I am beautiful. I am kind. I am sweet. I am stunning. I am drop dead gorgeous. I am just like, that perfect, a ruby pales in comparison though I'll still wear it cause while it doesn't shine quite as beautiful as me, it's a beautiful way to help me pop, not that I don't already. Confidence? Well aren't you just silly? Of course I'm confident! Why not be? A wolf doesn't slump, it stands tall, sure in who and what it is. Be that. Know your shit. Own your shit. Be your shit.

[xxmanifest8]

Well, at least she taught me a lesson. One I've learned many a time but I guess forgot. "Don't trust people." Not even family. They never put that. They always say outsiders or anyone outside the family. Yeah, some family members can't be trusted but I...I thought she was different.

I wanted her to be different.

Tsk.

Fine.

I know how things stand now.

The lesson they teach- don't trust anyone outside the family. You can only trust family.

The true lesson- everyone's a fucking liar, they just choose sometimes when n who to lie to.

Fuck.

I forgot.

It's not okay to be honest.

Not here.

Not in this family.

Straying from their path...I guess I've strayed too far...

I swear if she gets me sent away I will shift n she will never see me again. None of them will.

I've been their dog.

It's time to learn there's a price for kicking. I'm not gonna stay down forever. I think most of my life is enough, don't you?

Nah, of course they wouldn't...

I'm so fucking tired.

Why couldn't she just love me? I'm not a bad person just cause I need to be smoke w33d n like girls. Don't look at me like a freak. Like a monster. Yet...she does now. I won't fuck myself over for her though.

If the w33d helps me, and it does, then I'm gonna do it. Until n if I can stop. I know I can but I want to do on my own time, not forced n watched over n bitched at for months n months til I break.

Tsk...

[xxmanifest8]

I liked kissing a girl...OoOohhh send her away! Sin has been committed! Put her away after she's already been in a room for years, yeah that'll help her for surrreeee./s

I am so unbelievably disappointed n mad. I trusted her only for her to tell me I'm insane n need to be put somewhere.

Lol

Fuck me apparently for daring to speak anything that ain't oh I like men n pink n everything's fine at home totally not slowly going insane in a room trying to shift away so I can get out of that room just to talk to other people suuureeee I'm fine.

[xxmanifest8]

What the fuck ever man. This is bullshit. I'm tired of bullshit. So I'm changing it. It's no longer bullshit cause now it no longer is cause I'm not acknowledging it. The bullshit is past. Yay. Now what to put my awareness on now? Hm...becoming a fashion designer?

[xxmanifest8]

Apparently I'm insane cause I feel and sometimes see ghosts. Was told by family member I needed to be put somewhere. Lesson learned- don't trust people with stuff that they don't see as correct. Didn't know I'm crazy and need to be away for liking girls as well. Apparently I've become a bad person as well for smoking w33d n use my seizures as an excuse and it's all in my mind that it helps me. Yeah, I guess when I start shaking and feeling weak with my head hurting cause I've been running here n there n been stressed n depressed all night with hardly any break, oh yeah suuureeee that's my fault and all in my head...

[xxmanifest8]

1:11 as I'm thinking of starting a new path.

[xxmanifest8]

It's always odd for me coming back to this reality.

It takes a while for me to mentally settle back into the person I'm supposed to be here.

It takes a while for me to shift my emotions n mindset back to this one.

It takes a while for me not to growl n feeling phantom tail n ears when coming back from a reality where I'm a wolf.

It takes a while to ground n recenter myself.

Does anyone else experience this?

[xxmanifest8]

Shifted to NBC's Hannibal.

I am Will there n was on a stage in the dark, playing a cello. I saw in my mind Hanni sitting in the front row of a empty house besides us.

He smiled n I felt my heart hitch, drawing the bow faster as our eyes met then I dropped mine as I kept playing.

The scene switched n I was in the dark with a spotlight on Hanni n I. He smiled n reached out a hand, gently rubbing his thumb over my jaw. "Are you a monster, Will?"

"We're all monsters in polite gloves." Was my instinctive answer, reaching my own hand up n copying his movement on his jaw.

Then I shifted back here.

[xxmanifest8]

Manifested w33d. ^⁠_⁠^

Affirmed last night and saw in my mind me smoking a joint n a d4b pen.

As I scrolled on my phone last night, I affirmed n saw myself taking a puff. Started to fall asleep n affirmed as well plus affirmed that I am in control of my body n mind, I am in control of my emotions, I let go.

Last night I was offered to get one in the morning out of no where.

This morning?

Ya bitch got a dab dabbity dab pen lol :⁠-⁠)

[xxmanifest8]

Me- *going to check the mail.*

Me- *walking back confident*

Me- *shoe gets caught n falls, scraps my hands n knee.* Son of a fuck!