m

i just want to feel everything!!

[imcuteforever-deactivated202605]

_h0pi_89

[youalwaysliveagain]

kitty - 1

i sneak downstairs and dig through the cabinets searching for anything i can make enjoyable. it is better than asceticism, hair shirts, razor blades, anorexia (mirabilis or nervosa, you decide), and prudence. 

the palace of my own destruction is filled with funhouse mirrors, tiles of scales, swords, and pocked skin. i have been here many times before yet every time i leave, i come back with something more valuable. my dad gave me the instructions plainly:

pass through two wooden doors, climb to the top step, open two metal doors, look. 

at the top there is a pantheon on statues slowly crumbling to powder. the air is heavy with despair but the interior is beautifully painted. there are three rooms, doors all open. smoke hangs in the first, staining the ceiling. the second’s roof is open to the sky, but the walls are thinned. before i have a chance to look in the third, a voice calls out:

“my name is kitty. i am more alluring than you will ever be. i am bitter, i am sensual, i let people live out dreams that should only exist in sleep.” 

i take her back to my funhouse of hell. we are complete together. 

i crave nothing more than to be alluring, sensual, beautiful, desired. she does not make me feel like this, she lets me see beauty rather than be it. beauty every day, beauty in bloodied sheets, beauty in bathroom stalls, beauty in the pages of the bible. 

my father steps out of the church to cry when he sees me up there, a magpie forced to be a songbird servant of god. 

i have never been a christian, my mom never believed no matter how hard she prayed to, my dad never wanted to believe in death.

go to the church for funerals, go home.

go to the mission church for funerals, go home.

go to the mission church whom has killed much of his family and ruined generations after, go home.

the ursuline sisters were never there to help, go home.

kitty held my head to the screen and told me to read. read those pages until i understood why all of those lanky blonde boys hated me, until i understood why the girls in my grade welcomed me, yet treated me as some other Thing. 

i treat her as if she was some abrasive storm, but truly she was gentle, a dip into still waters, the pages washed through.

[seleii]

[youalwaysliveagain]

untitled love poem

is your love able to soak into me? i am a sponge and i will accept anything

stolen glances are everywhere, yet wordless when near and worldless when nearer

wear the spikes on my ears for protection yet i push you away too

she steals my glances as well, deep sadness looks into me

i hide in the floor of fear, i was high and it was easy

i do not kiss and i do not regret it 

the fabric rose i spent hours on still stands outside your door

looked into the mirror had to say “i am lovable”

you thought nothing of my affection, a gentle lean

fear is all consuming, love swallowed whole

“i’m excited to spend the next 2 years of our high school life together”

[youalwaysliveagain]

anonymous youth bastardized ghazal

it’s his birthday and he’s throwing up, you shouting

we’re all raising up a shot glass, to shouting

branches scratched emblems in our calves, we climbed into clouds

blue velvet air muffles the mountain view shouting

in class i stare, eyes deep, only heads on shoulders

think of your mind, i fear speaking, only knew shouting

sobbing out of rage on this dirty deep blue carpet 

deep fear of all love cuts knuckles in two, shouting

smoking cigarettes under silken night sky

you pass one, indirect kisses undo shouting

la etoiles et les rêves révèle-moi a toi

m_______, what difference does it do shouting?

[youalwaysliveagain]

i haven't written a poem about the vague character of you in many years yet you affect my psyche every day

i have started thinking about you after 2 years

i remember the surroundings, constants

grey carpet, whiskey, 1/27/23, i no longer cry on that day

3 years have gone by and you still affect my love, my desire(s for control)

silence a language you taught me in one night

i stopped talking for you, did you know?

a woman, almost my lover asks why i

do not drink

do not speak

do not fuck

do not think about my body

i do not like you, i do not like thinking about you

your casuality of phone calls to him,

hugging me in the street, 

nonjudgment when i pissed my pants jumping on a trampoline,

drunk and walking in the snow was all i could’ve hoped for

i keep these memories hidden in my cheek, coming out to shut my jaw when i speak about you

somehow i do not grasp their effects

[youalwaysliveagain]

ascendance, transcendance

you live in my mind, romance only dreamt

between the bars i see you walk by 

in dreamland we married with opal rings

the rhythm of these poems has been lost to time, 

voice no longer beautiful, words no longer rhyme

the gentle sounds of pencil on paper replaced with a great silence

heat overwhelms me, waves of nausea and sweat

i forget how to speak when you’re near

brains fall out and fry on the sidewalk

i float in the sea of silence gladly, breathing in the waters

loss of literacy, loss of life, loss of lies

nobody listens to stumbled words, vowels tripped over and slipped under

[youalwaysliveagain]

ton nom, ton age, ton profession

swallow the sallow straw for some sworn song

ton nom, ton age, ton profession

blue dyed nose matches her blue dyed mouth

communicating in looks while words are rendered meaningless 

shovel it in, shovel snow in piles high as an eraser, wide as hair ribbons

an open book and a closed door walking into a bathroom stall

only one thing in common and its platonic but ears are still kissed

youth scares all

[youalwaysliveagain]

fearful religion

longing penetrates deep in me

you are the villain now i

fear what you can do to me

yell and scream and cry out for help 

as loud as i want

however it slips my mind, i am never the one in control

speed bumps on counters, in bathrooms

slow the process of getting over 

13 and hot tubs and whiskey and rainbow sherbet

a life so insignificant in

delusions of grandeur i hide 

tingling fingers, numb noses, bitter throats speak sweet words

i repent over in the morning

[youalwaysliveagain]

running & hiding won't save you

mindless feeling in the dark illuminates my sadness, golden manuscripts

this feeling never fades, only lessens with your touch yet i do not have a you to cling on to

falling into pits of deep, sticky lonliness comforted by the rope of of gin and marijuana

as i climb i sink further and further, asphyxiated dives into things i do not yet understand

touch is no longer gentle, only forced, feared. asks of “where were you once hurt?”

i can no longer say poems of the heart, betrayal of the greatest kind that i can’t forgive

the grey carpet comes back, trying to bury it deep in my mind only lets the ground rise while i fall

these flashed photos please, please him, keep me complacent, keep her isolated in a jail of my mind

her shadow of a figure looms behind

[youalwaysliveagain]

sin is in your name no matter how ashamed you should be

my own loss of control and inhibitions terrifies everyone but me. i look them in the face to see a nose caked with powder and i happily kiss. do not hold back. go full ways making out with insanity itself, shapeshifting between white jesus & languages i cant understand & a pile of ketamine & your desire for control. useless junkie girls inherit your resentment for them, pleasure shielded me from your world but i have peeked through the curtain and i no longer want into heaven if you are there

[youalwaysliveagain]

bleh

your mom hates me and i do not blame her like the women in church i seek control of me, earthly pleasures & desires. come to me unintentionally, i know of sobriety like i know of purity, loss is only slight under my control.

i seek control over anything, else nothing, more important than narcissism, perfection an imperfect ideal, subjective. i hate the black polyester robes and poinsettias in the lobby, pews hold the seats of nothing but hatred

we all become our mothers

[nicodemite]

urgent help needed for homeless black lesbian

hello everyone i’m currently living in a women’s shelter after leaving my abusive family and going no contact. i’ve been approved for benefits but won’t receive anything until i find my own place (deadline april), i’m searching for both work and stable housing, but until then i am struggling to get by and just need help.

i would appreciate anything you can spare and thank you

/50

pp / kofi

[youalwaysliveagain]

your maggots ate my brain and still i love the bitter way you burn.

my throat on fire, dropped into worlds i could never explore again, the rain stops and stares, dripping

dripping onto my face your tears are endless, fears unknown

newly browned skin cuts open into layers of identity peeled back, your eyes burn into mine in a way i have only seen in the movies

gnashing teeth, roaming hands slowly dissect a sample specimen of life, making sure with her guts cut out that she will never walk with a smile on her face again

bodies crash into eachother as we get older yet because of you i don’t know when i will feel the touch of daybreak

[youalwaysliveagain]

on the rocks

vomiting becomes a sign of humanity, something so raw 

the body cannot process so many things at once, malfunctioning

the statuesque image in your mind melts into flesh nearby as you hear splashes onto rocks

a larger than life personality becomes a cognition similar to yours

both covered by night, lights in the town down the mountain illuminate the cracks

talking over humanity with concern in eyes unseen

[youalwaysliveagain]

smokey

room fills with fog

my life is uneventful now

the years of dreaming my own suicide are over

surrounded by beauty yet so lonely 

pills turn to dust, razors thrown away

life swept up in the mountains back to earth

[youalwaysliveagain]

your baby is worthless if it isn't a dj