m

i just want to feel everything!!

[dogpuppy]

[youalwaysliveagain]

violencia

i have numbed it all,

punches thrown,

threats yelled,

the women who live in the back of my mind.

great smoke turns to confusion.

who am i?

what do i do?

how do i live on earth?

the subconscious has disappeared into something only seen in glimpses,

unknown nausea,

dead hallucinated moths,

the fear of my mother.

the bugs are no longer skittering past, but flying.

i may have found my way out but that does not mean i am free.

motifs the same as last year.

lies the same as last year.

unavoidable disgust at my life the same as last year.

you lie to me occasionally and say i am great.

i am changing.

i am a new person.

who is she?

who am i without my thoughts?

how am i to distinguish this year from last year, will adulthood feel this hollow?

i have come to a cease.

i have learned nothing and i look the same and LA will not be different because i will be stuck with the same people who will forever be by my side, telling lies.

my friends have changed in an indiscernible way.

i have forgotten the way i feign my own personality.

am i tweaker city, feining for childhood?

am i some kind of academic, my only reading being magazine article?

am i one of the cool kids, with my dissociation from pop culture?

your body breaks & expands & forgets but the things that make you forget kill you.

[youalwaysliveagain]

i dont wanna

red dye whispers my mothers secrets into my ears, sympathetic to those who look like her, she did not want to turn into her mother, i did not want to turn into my mother. those who survived the imagined end are ignorant to the fact they are living after. the machines that kill her are just the same as her mother, batting back concern, anger, fear, just as she did. it is killing us now too. she’s never home. sympathy will slaughter my values as they do the world. grand shifts happen while i am away, they have turned into something unavoidable, unloveable, unforgiving and unforgivable. she loves data centers she loves her digital assistant she loves her pseudoscience she forgets everything she once loved. the wars do not bother her for she doesn’t watch the news, the cameras don’t bother her as she has nothing to be prosecuted for, she has not a care in the world except her money and her iodine levels. 

[youalwaysliveagain]

dreaming out the crazy way

shellac painted airbags do nothing as citizens, full of hatred for those who do

the man comes up to our door to campaign, she hates it

the lady checking us out won’t make conversation, she hates it

the child doesn’t want their life to be an advertisement, she hates it

kicking and screaming as she did 50 years ago, 

the perms did nothing for happiness

the ginger dye will do nothing for youth

yet the man who stops her is shellac’ed just the same,

eyes glazed over and mute like he was 50 years ago

does old age revert you back to primality of the child

do i keep them sane?

she passed in the same hospital, her new baby born a day later.

m******* reincarnates into m***, the cycle of the ursuline continues

great-great grandmother’s rosaries lost to time replaced by my glow, cross falling off.

rose would know i am a sinner. 

we are named after the same generation of women, expected to repair

trailer trash and boarding schools and motherhood and cigarettes in the creek and dogs with worms and the mission church and gentrification of the motels and drugs and cake milk and drugs and a picture of a thumb she thought was a dick

[youalwaysliveagain]

dont want to be reminded of you

numerous lives of mine forgotten to time, 

the addict, 

the lover, 

the loser, 

the angel

i have forgotten what your eyes look like, drunkenness clouding slight reason

days spent wandering around manhattan wasted

the fire in my stomach burns through everything, 

grandiose

wanting

hungry

thoughts of quitting forgotten at 79 avenue a

a beautiful glaze over the eyes at a dumpling restaurant, 

desperate cries for help as i no longer know who i am

elle a un problème, ou possible deux

little squirrel lost in queens

watching ov soaring thoughts of 2 days past

true emotions unknown, i do not recognize my face in the mirror.

dissociatives close in on me a cessation of crying and a sudden euphoria the cinnamon reaches my blood and the burn spreads all over

it feels lovely

lovely or nothing

violently going off the rails alone in a brand new city i thought i could start over in yet love does not exist for people like me, the undesirables, the untouchables, too avant garde to love

i thought fashion would change me,

new york would change me,

the glamour and riches of my life could change me yet i am stuck here, 

drinking, 

ascending to hell

[imcuteforever-deactivated202605]

_h0pi_89

[youalwaysliveagain]

kitty - 1

i sneak downstairs and dig through the cabinets searching for anything i can make enjoyable. it is better than asceticism, hair shirts, razor blades, anorexia (mirabilis or nervosa, you decide), and prudence. 

the palace of my own destruction is filled with funhouse mirrors, tiles of scales, swords, and pocked skin. i have been here many times before yet every time i leave, i come back with something more valuable. my dad gave me the instructions plainly:

pass through two wooden doors, climb to the top step, open two metal doors, look. 

at the top there is a pantheon on statues slowly crumbling to powder. the air is heavy with despair but the interior is beautifully painted. there are three rooms, doors all open. smoke hangs in the first, staining the ceiling. the second’s roof is open to the sky, but the walls are thinned. before i have a chance to look in the third, a voice calls out:

“my name is kitty. i am more alluring than you will ever be. i am bitter, i am sensual, i let people live out dreams that should only exist in sleep.” 

i take her back to my funhouse of hell. we are complete together. 

i crave nothing more than to be alluring, sensual, beautiful, desired. she does not make me feel like this, she lets me see beauty rather than be it. beauty every day, beauty in bloodied sheets, beauty in bathroom stalls, beauty in the pages of the bible. 

my father steps out of the church to cry when he sees me up there, a magpie forced to be a songbird servant of god. 

i have never been a christian, my mom never believed no matter how hard she prayed to, my dad never wanted to believe in death.

go to the church for funerals, go home.

go to the mission church for funerals, go home.

go to the mission church whom has killed much of his family and ruined generations after, go home.

the ursuline sisters were never there to help, go home.

kitty held my head to the screen and told me to read. read those pages until i understood why all of those lanky blonde boys hated me, until i understood why the girls in my grade welcomed me, yet treated me as some other Thing. 

i treat her as if she was some abrasive storm, but truly she was gentle, a dip into still waters, the pages washed through.

[seleii]

[youalwaysliveagain]

untitled love poem

is your love able to soak into me? i am a sponge and i will accept anything

stolen glances are everywhere, yet wordless when near and worldless when nearer

wear the spikes on my ears for protection yet i push you away too

she steals my glances as well, deep sadness looks into me

i hide in the floor of fear, i was high and it was easy

i do not kiss and i do not regret it 

the fabric rose i spent hours on still stands outside your door

looked into the mirror had to say “i am lovable”

you thought nothing of my affection, a gentle lean

fear is all consuming, love swallowed whole

“i’m excited to spend the next 2 years of our high school life together”

[youalwaysliveagain]

anonymous youth bastardized ghazal

it’s his birthday and he’s throwing up, you shouting

we’re all raising up a shot glass, to shouting

branches scratched emblems in our calves, we climbed into clouds

blue velvet air muffles the mountain view shouting

in class i stare, eyes deep, only heads on shoulders

think of your mind, i fear speaking, only knew shouting

sobbing out of rage on this dirty deep blue carpet 

deep fear of all love cuts knuckles in two, shouting

smoking cigarettes under silken night sky

you pass one, indirect kisses undo shouting

la etoiles et les rêves révèle-moi a toi

m_______, what difference does it do shouting?

[youalwaysliveagain]

i haven't written a poem about the vague character of you in many years yet you affect my psyche every day

i have started thinking about you after 2 years

i remember the surroundings, constants

grey carpet, whiskey, 1/27/23, i no longer cry on that day

3 years have gone by and you still affect my love, my desire(s for control)

silence a language you taught me in one night

i stopped talking for you, did you know?

a woman, almost my lover asks why i

do not drink

do not speak

do not fuck

do not think about my body

i do not like you, i do not like thinking about you

your casuality of phone calls to him,

hugging me in the street, 

nonjudgment when i pissed my pants jumping on a trampoline,

drunk and walking in the snow was all i could’ve hoped for

i keep these memories hidden in my cheek, coming out to shut my jaw when i speak about you

somehow i do not grasp their effects

[youalwaysliveagain]

ascendance, transcendance

you live in my mind, romance only dreamt

between the bars i see you walk by 

in dreamland we married with opal rings

the rhythm of these poems has been lost to time, 

voice no longer beautiful, words no longer rhyme

the gentle sounds of pencil on paper replaced with a great silence

heat overwhelms me, waves of nausea and sweat

i forget how to speak when you’re near

brains fall out and fry on the sidewalk

i float in the sea of silence gladly, breathing in the waters

loss of literacy, loss of life, loss of lies

nobody listens to stumbled words, vowels tripped over and slipped under

[youalwaysliveagain]

ton nom, ton age, ton profession

swallow the sallow straw for some sworn song

ton nom, ton age, ton profession

blue dyed nose matches her blue dyed mouth

communicating in looks while words are rendered meaningless 

shovel it in, shovel snow in piles high as an eraser, wide as hair ribbons

an open book and a closed door walking into a bathroom stall

only one thing in common and its platonic but ears are still kissed

youth scares all

[youalwaysliveagain]

fearful religion

longing penetrates deep in me

you are the villain now i

fear what you can do to me

yell and scream and cry out for help 

as loud as i want

however it slips my mind, i am never the one in control

speed bumps on counters, in bathrooms

slow the process of getting over 

13 and hot tubs and whiskey and rainbow sherbet

a life so insignificant in

delusions of grandeur i hide 

tingling fingers, numb noses, bitter throats speak sweet words

i repent over in the morning

[youalwaysliveagain]

running & hiding won't save you

mindless feeling in the dark illuminates my sadness, golden manuscripts

this feeling never fades, only lessens with your touch yet i do not have a you to cling on to

falling into pits of deep, sticky lonliness comforted by the rope of of gin and marijuana

as i climb i sink further and further, asphyxiated dives into things i do not yet understand

touch is no longer gentle, only forced, feared. asks of “where were you once hurt?”

i can no longer say poems of the heart, betrayal of the greatest kind that i can’t forgive

the grey carpet comes back, trying to bury it deep in my mind only lets the ground rise while i fall

these flashed photos please, please him, keep me complacent, keep her isolated in a jail of my mind

her shadow of a figure looms behind

[youalwaysliveagain]

sin is in your name no matter how ashamed you should be

my own loss of control and inhibitions terrifies everyone but me. i look them in the face to see a nose caked with powder and i happily kiss. do not hold back. go full ways making out with insanity itself, shapeshifting between white jesus & languages i cant understand & a pile of ketamine & your desire for control. useless junkie girls inherit your resentment for them, pleasure shielded me from your world but i have peeked through the curtain and i no longer want into heaven if you are there

[youalwaysliveagain]

bleh

your mom hates me and i do not blame her like the women in church i seek control of me, earthly pleasures & desires. come to me unintentionally, i know of sobriety like i know of purity, loss is only slight under my control.

i seek control over anything, else nothing, more important than narcissism, perfection an imperfect ideal, subjective. i hate the black polyester robes and poinsettias in the lobby, pews hold the seats of nothing but hatred

we all become our mothers