Writing is not about 'telling an epic story' or 'making something that will outlive you'. Writing is about going "You know what would be fucking awesome?" and then committing word crimes
where's the tweet thats like high value art heists should be legal and should be like a national pass time between countries like capture the flag. thats my platform
like i'd stay in museum security as a job just for that like to be on the defending team against some other country's art heist team. could be like eurovision but more fun. no bloodshed allowed no weapons u gotta use ur hands only. we should also be allowed to trade players between nations
A friend of mine told me yesterday that he didnāt realise how much Ukraine meant to him until now. I posted yesterday about the time we spent there, and weāre all getting super pre-occupied about the invasion. As I said in that post, I canāt get our waitress out of my head. I can sort of remember what she looked like now. She had an undercut. I think maybe her hair might have been blue? But - I will never know if she lives through this, and itās driving me very slightly mad.
So naturally, my husband spent all day yesterday obsessively researching everything he could about it with the help of his journalist friends, as a way to help me process it.
This post is me putting it all in order, as a way to try and process my own emotional response as much as anything else (I freely admit there is an element of self-indulgence here). Please donāt take me as the spokesperson for Ukraine right now, nor as a solid reliable news source. But, I havenāt seen this stuff except in bits and pieces on Tumblr, so here we go.
(This is also not about why the invasion has happened. This post is solely about what has happened, and how the invasion is going.)
So, Putin and the rest of the world believed that this invasion would take 1-4 days. The plan was to push through fast, take Kyiv, and force Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the Ukrainian President, to surrender. Given Russiaās military might, it really looked likely.
Here is the conclusion of all thatās happened so far:
Ukraine is absolutely nailing this??? Actually???
They managed to defend every single city overnight, including Kyiv. They started rolling out and using these WW2-style anti-tank thingies that look a bit like angry gabbions, look, hereās a picture of one being delivered:
A bunch of spare iron girders turned into a hefty octopus of Russian misery, basically.
But itās not just tanks theyāre taking down, oh no. Ukraine successfully shot down a transport plane 20km from Kyiv. That is, I shit you not, the single biggest hit to the Russian military since the Second Chechen War. Volunteers from Lithuania, Poland, Latvia, Estonia, Azerbaijan and Israel are all entering Ukraine to help fight and bolster the anti-Russian forces, which is probably illustrative of how Eurovision voting is going to run for the next decade. Most countries have banned Russian planes from their air space. To help stop the Russian advance, Ukraine has made and installed new road signs, like this one:
I can only say a handful of sentences in Ukrainian, Tumblrs, but as I understand it, from top to bottom, it says:
āFuck offā
āFuck off againā
āFuck off Russiaā
Meanwhile, it turns out the Russian military might we feared isā¦ possibly not quite as advertised?
Theyāre underfunded and badly trained. Ukraine captured 200 soldiers in one go, and most of them were confused 19 year olds with no training. The equipment is shite. The tanks keep running out of fuel. Russian soldiers keep abandoning their tanks and handing them over to the Ukrainian army. Putinās plan was to take Kyiv fast and move on, and he didnāt have a plan B - hence these kids, playing soldier. Here is an image of a Russian tank receiving roadside assistance from Russiaās finest, an old Lada.Ā Ā
No one expected Zelenskyy to survive the night; but he did. America offered him asylum in the White House.
But he said no.Ā
Zelenskyy remains in Kyiv, with his people.
And Putin, in his desperation to be adored, has turned Zelenskyy into a global icon and hero.
Here is something you may not know about Volodymyr Zelenskyy - he used to be a standup comedian. Was he any good? No idea - but what he IS good at is producing funny short videos he can put on Twitter and that, which are absolutely fantastic for Ukrainian morale. And morale is vital in an invasion like this, and Ukraine are smashing it out of the park there.
They are utilising the internet to its fullest extent. In addition to Zelenskyyās videos, theyāve made sure that the final words of the Ukrainian defenders of Snake Island are known and now echoed around the world:Ā āRussian warship, go fuck yourselves.ā A video has gone viral of Ukrainians mocking a group of Russian soldiers whose tank had broken down and who didnāt know the way to Kyiv anyway, presumably because of all the new road signs. They have created a website that lists every single Russian death they can identify, partly so Russian mothers can have closure (thus also painting themselves as the defenders of decency and humanity), and partly for the enormous morale boost of the world knowing, categorically, that theyāve already killed 3700 Russian soldiers (over 100 of which were from that transport plane.)Ā Not one word has leaked of Ukrainian casualties. Iām sure theyāre devastating, but for morale purposes, theyāre being kept quiet until the dust settles. Ukrainians have started setting up fake Tindr profiles to catfish Russian soldiers for intel, and theyāre all 19 and lost, so itās working. Plus, theyāre using Grindr to actually track where the soldiers are, because it turns out Putin was not entirely correct about there being no gays in Russia.
So, Russia wants to cut their internet access. Can the Ukrainian Minister for Digital Transformation, Mykhailo Fedorov, shame a billionaire into providing aid?
This is crucial, remember. Atrocities happen best in the dark, and the world is watching - because of the internet. Morale is vital to maintain. Can they convince Elon Musk to help?
Yep.
Ukraine now has the fastest internet service in the world. The fastest, most stable internet service in human history, in fact. Russia cannot now disable it. The world watches.
Which is just as well, because then Anonymous decided to get involved, and have leaked the website database of the Russian Ministry of Defence. Lol. Also this happens:
And then the Russian propaganda channels started broadcasting the truth of what is happening in Ukraine. Double lol.
So what is the political response?
Well, in addition to closing airspace to Russian planes, loads of countries are sending weapons to Ukraine. Those that canāt are offering asylum. Theyāre also offering asylum to any Russian soldiers who surrender or defect, which is startlingly good tactics, and there are rumours of around 5000 Russian soldiers who have done just that. Germany, of course, has long had a block on lethal weapons transfer; but Germany recognise this shit for what it is. Theyāve lifted the block, thus allowing the Netherlands to send weapons. Efforts are now underway to fast-track Ukraine into the EU. I presume they will consider the lack of pint glasses with crowns on to be a worthwhile price to pay.
So what about Russiaās supporters?
Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenka helped Russia with this invasion. Now, this has happened:
Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya was actually elected president, but some wild nonsense kept her out of power. Sheās now running a government in exile. I have literally no idea what this means or will mean! But my god. She has a spine of steel, and this is not a good time to be happening for Putin.Ā
And itās really, really not, because then intel on a meeting of Putin and assembled Oligarchs LEAKS (hello Anonymous, probably). The highlights:
This war is costing Russia $15bn a day
He expected it to take ONE TO FOUR DAYS TO WIN
Itās been two days and he is losing very badly, currently
They will run out of rockets by day 4, maybe sooner
After that they will be down to rifles and ammo
It will take 3-4 months to make more significant weapons, except they need raw materials, and the countries that can provide themā¦ have cut supply lines
If the war lasts 10 days, Russia will have completely run out of money and weapons
Itās only day 2, and Russian soldiers are knocking the doors of random Ukrainian homes begging for food and water because theyāve already run out
So, out of desperation, Putin turns to his greatest, closest and most trusted ally for help: Kazakhstan.Ā
And Kazakhstan
SAYS NO
And then Ukraine shoots down a second Russian plane.
Anyway, Iām going to finish off with a final point. Morale is vital in this situation, so here is the message from the Ukrainian government at the minute, to everyone watching around the world:
Be VERY SUSPICIOUS of any negative news about Ukraine. Russia uses misinformation and propaganda. They will want to damage Ukrainian morale.
Use your social media to spread news of Ukrainian victories.Ā
Donāt give oxygen to negative stories. Especially since they might not be true.
Thatās genuinely something we can do to help. Every victory of Ukraine, blast it far and wide. So on that note, Iāll leave you with this:
This post is really taking off and with it so are the cunty messages in my inbox suddenly, so since the reading comprehension of some people is particularly bad, let me reiterate what Iāve written in black and white in the third paragraph of this post:
This is not a sourced and fact checked post.
This post is not designed to be news.
I am not the spokesperson for Ukraine and shouldnāt be taken as such.
I havenāt included sources because this is not a news post, and itās likely itās not all accurate
This post is a self-indulgent tool that I am using to process my own feelings, on my own blog, which I am allowed to do.
I am very sorry that one of you has chosen to be offended that I am simultaneously not writing with the calibre and integrity of an Al-Jazeera journalist while also writing nothing at all, but this is my blog, where I get to write out my thoughts if I want. I am sorry that you dislike my natural narrative voice when writing, but the solution to that is actually not aggressive anonymous hate - itās called the block button. It is simple and easy and fun to use. Donāt worry, though, if you canāt, Iām willing to find it for you.
Once again, to reiterate for those incapable of understanding this very simple concept: DO NOT USE ME AS A NEWS SOURCE. I am not claiming to be one. I am in fact telling you I am not one. Donāt make me switch off anon.
Edited to add: it was literally one person as I suspected - I blocked them, refreshed, and all the messages had disappeared. Ah, Tumblr. Fun times.
i hate this cause i did japanese for like a year and this explains the use of the -ne particle WAYYYY better than my teachers ever did. it took me ages to comprehend what this post makes abundantly clear.
my teachers: its like a, a little rise at the end of a sentence, to show that you are seeking a response, while not warranting the -ka particle which would make it a proper question.
Okay no one on Tumblr that I've seen has been talking about the wine and cheese thing, but that means no one is reflecting on the absolute weapons-grade hilarity of Boris Johnson trying to inchworm his way out of trouble by claiming that he didn't know about it
Like... that wine and cheese party was the Downing Street works Christmas do. Not just any old social, the Christmas social. There were invitations. There was music. Every single worker in Downing Street was invited, even Debbie from accounts. People who didn't work there but were important to the government got invited.
And Boris is therefore claiming that all his mates got together and had a party and DIDN'T INVITE HIM.
Not only that, but they deliberately kept it a secret from him, because no one wanted him there to ruin the party because no one likes him, and I just...
The key difference between Johnson and Trump always came down to this: Johnson wants to be liked. He genuinely does. Trump wanted to be respected and feared and obeyed, he wanted to be seen as powerful and suave and cool. But he didn't care about how liked he was. Johnson, though, really fucking does. He's a deeply pathetic little twat, and he wants people to like him.
So, his choices currently are
Tell everyone in the country that his own friends and coworkers actually cannot stand him, to the point that they arranged an entire Christmas party without him
Admit that he was there and immediately be hated by literally every single human being in the country, including his own voters (hello North Shropshire), because while the rest of us spent Christmas 2020 in a lockdown and unable to see each other and in many cases literally alone, him and his mates held an illegal Christmas party that the police are refusing to investigate
His popularity is now nosediving in the polls, and it really cannot be stated how much that will be burning him.
Also, pro-Brexit Tories are even pissed off with him now. Which is a bit like someone buying a cake called a pus cake with pictures of pus all over the box and a warning sign that says This Cake Contains Pus and Other Bodily Fluids, and then crying because when they tried to eat the pus cake they found it was filled with pus. But also really funny.
Anyway, I'm placing the bet now: we will see a vote of no confidence, OR he'll jump before he has to experience that (because it would kill him), and our next PM will be Rishi Sunak
They had a secret Christmas party that was so big that they were sending out invites to non government members which they didn't want him at, so they... what, had his mistress drug him with hefty amounts of antihistamines? He went out for the evening (also illegal at the time) and they partied hard on cheese and wine for precisely two hours and 46 minutes, then everyone went silent and snuck out when he came back?
A whole team of cleaners had to tiptoe about for four hours so they wouldn't wake up the clown upstairs.
So, let's update for those who don't know. Bear with me, I may get a couple of dates slightly wrong. First, shout out to the incredible investigative journalism and absolutely chessmaster-level shrewdness of Pippa Crerar for both digging up this story and for picking precisely the right moments to release it, morsel by morsel, to bring down Boris Johnson and possibly the whole damn government.
So after Johnson claimed he didn't know about it, then the Mirror published photos showing he was there and hosted a quiz. So, undeniable, Boris was at the Christmas party.
The Metropolitan Police declare that, even though they are investigating and fining people up to Ā£12,000 a pop for lockdown parties, and doing so is literally their job, they will not investigate the government because "there isn't enough evidence". ACAB etc
Then, the Guardian reveals photos of Boris Johnson, his mistress, and Dominic Cummings eating cheese and drinking wine in the sun (with others around them) in the Downing Street garden, not allowed at the time (we were literally not allowed to leave home at the time). That day, Matt Hancock urges people not to have cheese and wine parties in their own gardens in spite of the nice May weather.
Then the Mirror reveals that there was actually another whole ass party - in May 2020, where 30 gathered in the garden of Downing Street (at the time we were not allowed more than 2 households meeting outside). Boris denies that it was a party, and claims it was merely a weirdly well catered work event that included his gin-drinking mistress and baby for some reason.
Then, the invites to the party were leaked by ITV. Turns out, 100 people were invited "to make the most of the lovely weather." It also told attendees to "bring their own booze."
Then an inquiry begins, carried out by Sue Gray. She is in fact a member of Number 10 staff, but no idea how independent she'll actually be one way or the other. Either way, the police are still literally refusing to investigate so lmao that's what we've got. She did get Damien Green fired for that porn thing, though, so that's encouraging.
Then this week, Johnson goes on Prime Minister's Questions. He sort of apologises, and claims that he was only there for 25 minutes but implies he then left because it felt more like an illegal social than the work event he was expecting, which is interesting, since his mistress was necking gin next to him the whole time. He should have just asked her, like. She could have clarified.
Then the Times reveals a source at the party who says that no, Boris stayed WAAAYYYY longer and spent his time wandering around and 'gladhanding' people (side note, posh people have weird words).
Then yesterday, even though we now have evidence and a confession of criminality, the Met Police announce that they will not investigate unless/until the Gray Inquiry finds evidence of criminality, which is just...an astonishingly open display of corruption, really. A real quiet-part-loud moment.
THEN, within hours, it's revealed that there were ANOTHER TWO PARTIES, except... Okay you're going to want to sit down, because shit hit the fan yesterday.
These two parties happened on the day of Prince Philip's funeral last year, aka Put Philip In The Floor Day. At the time, restrictions meant just 30 people could attend that funeral.
Which means, the Telegraph ran this headline and image:
I know we all hate the royals on Tumblr, but you have to understand just how hard that headline, and that image, and that message, hits British society. The Queen, beloved monarch, "forced to grieve alone" while the government danced and drank the night away. You cannot imagine how much power that image holds. You cannot begin to imagine the social power of it.
Boris Johnson can. He was polling only one point above Theresa May's all time low within the hour. That is a devastating popularity drop for the man who needs to be loved, who came to power on a cult of personality.
So, he went on PMQs again, to apologise to Lizzie Two. It's a really funny apology because he kind of can't apologise without admitting it and there's an enquiry going on so it's real vague, but he does cop to the parties on Put Philip In The Floor Day. Keir Starmer, in a rare display of actually providing some opposition, put the boot in quite nicely:
Well, there we have it. After months of deceit and deception, the pathetic spectacle of a man who's run out of road.
His defence, that he didn't realise he was at a party, is so ridiculous that it's actually offensive to the British public.Ā
He's finally been forced to admit what everyone knew that when the whole country was locked down, he was hosting boozy parties in Downing Street.Ā
Is he now going to do but decent thing and resign?
Which brings us to today! How is the Prime Minister coping with the situation?
Well, according to a leak from the Independent, he literally spent today working out which senior officials he can force to resign and take the blame in order to save himself in a move that he, a grown man who has fathered six or possibly seven children who is Prime Minister of the country, is without irony calling, and I am not making this up...
Operation Save Big Dog.
Big Dog is him. He is Big Dog. He has called himself Big Dog. He chose to call himself Big Dog.
Except, the Independent leaked it, as I say, so now he looks EVEN WORSE.
And Then
The Mirror's front page for tomorrow is revealed.
They have a photo of a wine fridge (capable of holding up to 34 bottles of wine) being delivered to Number 10.
Because, they reveal, these parties were not special events only.
Downing Street has been holding what they called Wine Time Fridays every week during the pandemic. They used to hold them before as well; but apparently, they've been particularly popular during lockdown.
Current polling as of 14th January 2022:
Labour 41%
Tories 27%
Those figures would translate to the Tories losing over 126 seats. Labour's largest lead since Tony Blair.
Side note to finish off for now:
Interesting how we now know a good 100 people who was at those parties, complete with photos, and yet Rishi Sunak is not in any of them. One might almost call it suspicious. And wonder at who the main source is.
I will try to keep this concise, and I will put in a Read More because fuck this is like... metres of political intrigue. Although first, quick housekeeping because Iām fed up of seeing some stuff turning up in the notes:
Americans stop being smug in the notes challenge. Just enjoy the clowns quietly.
It is not misogynistic to refer to Carrie Johnson as Big Dogās mistress, you tedious voles, thatās literally what she was when he cheated on his cancer-suffering wife with her. He also dumped his wife, mid-chemotherapy, to shack up with Carrie Antoinette over there. I do not give the tiniest iota of shit that they are now married, and given that the UK press has spent two years trying to make their relationship into a fairytale princess situation, I will continue to brand her his mistress until the inevitable day he cheats on her with yet another younger model and fathers his eighth or ninth child (not an inaccurate number, this man has Disputed Children with other mistresses he refuses to take a paternity test for)
EXERCISE A MODICUM OF CRITICAL THINKING AND STOP ACCUSING ME OF THINKING RISHI SUNAK IS A GOOD ALTERNATIVE. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYWHERE THAT HE IS. ONLY THAT HEāS GUNNING FOR IT.
With that out of the way, itās the 20th January 2022, letās watch the elephant stand on a ball!
Earlier This Week
Letās check the polls, after the fun of last week!
70% think heās lying about the May 20th party, 63% think he should resign, 80% think he has not been honest, and 81% think theĀ āwork eventā that Big Dog described was unacceptable anyway.
But, how does that translate to politics? Well! The Police and Crime Bill is a monstrous piece of fascist legislation that the Tories are currently trying to get passed. This week it passed to the House of Lords. This would normally have been a very straightforward run through to the Queen to sign off, but LOL SOME PEOPLE ARE VERY BITTER ABOUT THE CHEESE AND WINE because instead the Lords have literally thrown out three of the worst elements.
Yes, you read that right. That Bill weāve all been terrified about?
The Lords have rejected:
Allowing stop and search at protests without suspicion
Banning people with a āhistory of serious disruptionā from attending protests
Making it an offence to disrupt the operation of key national infrastructure, like an airport or a newspaper printer
And then, just to rub salt in the wound, they approved two non-Tory amendments, including making misogyny a hate crime. In practice, those two amendments will now go back to the Commons to be debated more, but those three central pillars up there are just gone now. The Lords described the proposalsĀ as ādraconianā, āa wider assault on our democracyā, and āreminiscent of Cold War Eastern Bloc police statesā.
Never thought Iād see the day...
So, Boris the Big Dog realises heās in serious trouble now, because that means that even MPs who supported him now hate him because his actions are costing them the fascist laws they wanted to put in place. So he has a meeting with the one Tory you can absolutely count on to blindly and incompetently support Boris Johnson regardless of literally anything he ever does - enter, Nadine Dorres.
She suggests a zippy new ploy. he needs to shore up support from the backbenchers if heās to survive it, so she suggests he give them everything theyāve been asking for like a gift wrapped Christmas gift of shit, and they call it Operation Red Meat, because neither of them is bright enough to consider not naming their illicit backroom plans to let them go undetected, and also, they learned nothing at all from Operation Save Big Dog. Hereās the problem: Tory backbenchers are fucking lunatics. Like, this is your mad Tory uncle who thought the highlight of 2021 was that we put a picture of a crown on beer glasses again TAKE THAT EUROPE. So what bones did Big Dog throw these people?
Threatening to cut the BBC license fee, costing them billions
Also ending all covid restrictions
Asking the military to protect against asylum seekers crossing the channel so they have to go to Rwanda and Ghana for processing instead
Except cutting the BBC alienates a chunk of the core Tory votership, which is old people.
(Remember Ghana, itās going to be relevant in a sec)
And, it turns out, while the BBC has been very effectively muzzled by the Tories, if you then try to take away their funding anyway... they just might remember they have teeth after all.
THE CIRCUS CONTINUES, letās see some acrobats!
Two Days Ago
Remember how Big Dogās plan is now to send asylum seekers to Ghana?
Ghana issued a press release.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, they hadnāt heard about this at all. Whatās interesting is that they called the plan Operation Dead Meat. I 100% choose to believe this is an intentionally satirical choice about their view of Boris Johnsonās career.
Meanwhile, Boris has a meeting with MPs and bursts into tears. Lol.
Another party is revealed to have happened, this time in March. But Johnson is delighted by this one - he has an alibi, you see.Ā āI couldnāt have attended,ā he insists,Ā ābecause I was in Chequers by then.ā
Now Chequers is his second home. At the time, as youāll all no doubt recall, Boris had delivered his speech at the start of the lockdown, on the 23rd March 2020, telling us all to stay the fuck where we were, and not to travel for anything. Not even to go to a second home. So, in the interests of fairness, yes, he probably wasnāt at the March party.
Because he was breaking the law in a brand new way by illegally travelling between homes. A brans new crime he just confessed to without provocation. Good job, Big Dog.
Then, Pippa Crerar announces that Dominic Cummings is willing to swear under oath that BJ not only knew about the 20th May party, but that he agreed it should go ahead. This is actually a bigger deal than it sounds, because it means he lied to the House of Commons, which is actually a major no-no that people are forced to resign for.
AND THEN
To call a vote of no confidence and to get Johnson to resign, we need 54 letters from Tory MPs.Ā
Itās revealed that somewhere between 20 and 40 have been sent. This is primarily being led by a bunch of young, new MPs who came to power in the 2019 general election, who therefore donāt have any old ties to Johnson. Hereās the risk - that their inexperience means they get the timing wrong, lose the vote, and then weāre stuck with him. However, if that does happen, it makes the Tory party itself into a laughing stock no one will listen to.
Once again, I need to remind all of you that this man has a pathological need to be liked above all else. This is killing him.
Anyway, the acrobats were fun! Letās move onto the jugglers!
Yesterday
The BBC, apparently starting to rise up again, have not just started following up on the letters of no confidence, but are sending Laura Kuenssberg to do it. This is impressive because sheās a massive dickhead, Tumblrs, just a huge Tory bitch, but even she is now wanting to put the boot in, it seems.
Six MPs have now gone on public record and announced theyāve sent a letter, and the BBC has found a 7th. Laura reports thatĀ 20 Tory MPs first elected in 2019 met to discuss submitting letters. This letter writing campaign gets called the Pork Pie Plot, because one of the MPs has a constituency including Melton Mowbrey, apparently, and thus the tradition of needlessly giving dramatic names to every fucking thought these people have is continued.
Afterwards, a Pork Pie Person says āI think weāve done it ā difficult to tell, though.ā
In response, BJ holds urgent one on one meetings with MPs in the Pork Pie Plot where he was described as ābroken and close to tearsā and begged them not to leave. He promises them more money for their constituencies if they stay loyal, and threatens to withdraw funding for projects in their seats if not.
(This will come back to bite him in a minute)
Meanwhile, the Private Eye runs an interesting story. Remember the Queen, forced to grieve alone on Put Philip in the Floor Day? While the government partied? Apparently,Ā Downing St offered the Queen a lockdown easing in time for the funeral, so she could have more people there. But she turned it down becauseā¦ itās not safe? She cares about optics? Who knows.Ā
And then, itās time for Prime Ministerās Questions, at which the following happened:
Johnson claims that he simply didnāt know the parties he held during lockdown were against the rules. This is a fascinating assertion from the man who made the rules, of course, but Dominic Cummings has announced that he personally had warned him, as did two others. Sue Grey, in response, announces that she will be interviewing Dominic Cummings
THE DEFECTION OF CHRISTIAN WAKEFIELD OH MY GOD. He was a Tory MP who got pulled into the office by the whip, and the whip tried to bully him and take his seat if he wouldnāt support BJ. So with the cameras rolling, in full view of everyone, he stood up, walked across the floor of the House of Commons to the Labour benches, and SAT DIRECTLY BEHIND KEIR STARMER I mean this man is a repugnant toad but my god, the DRAMA, the SYMBOLISM, I only wish heād worn a cape
There are many Tories called David Davies, and theyāre all appalling. This one is the least appalling, which really says nothing, itās like comparing three virulent diseases. But: David Davies stood up from the back benches. He read out a speech, which he said was first given to then-PM Neville Chamberlin on the eve of WW2, urging him to stand down and allow Winston Churchill in. 'You have sat there too long for all the good you have done, in the name of god go'.
Johnsonās response to that last one wasĀ āI donāt actually know that speech,ā which as defences go, isnāt one. A bit like sayingĀ āI didnāt rape Virginia Guiffre because I canāt sweatā for how useful or relevant it is, even if itās true.
But like Prince Andrew, it definitely isnāt true anyway - Boris Johnson once wrote a book about Churchill and included that speech. However, no one is pushing that angle too hard, because this has made people read his book, and now the focus is on the fact that he made up most of the contents. Like, thereās a bit in it where he claims Germany seized Stalingrad during WW2, that level of made up. Here is a historian tearing it to shreds if you want history nerd drama.
The jugglers were fun! Now letās see what you all came for: the clowns. Hereās the backing music if you want to get the full experience.
Today
Well, letās start with the front page of the Independent.
You love to see it.
Downing Street have realised that the best thing they can do right now is to refute strongly only the things they think might be true, so theyāve given up on quotes about parties and instead are issuing official statements denying that:
Boris Johnson is called Big Dog by anyone, and
Boris Johnson cried
Precisely no one believes that, either.
Hereās Diana Johnson MP, asking another brutal question:Ā āIf the PM is spending his time trying to convince the British public that heās stupid instead of dishonest, isnāt it time he goes? Now?ā
Meanwhile the Telegraph have announced that a further 5 Tories are considering defecting. But why could this be? Well.
Remember how I said that BJ would come to regret offering MPs money for loyalty and threatening them with no money if they rebelled?
IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES, while I have literally been writing this post okay okay I am so high on the Drama right now, let me calm down
Right, so, Will Wragg MP. Yes, thatās his real name.Ā
Heās a newbie as of 2019, and one of the MPs who has publicly admitted to a letter. Heās also the chair of the Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs Committee, and Iām sure he has nice eyes or something.Ā
HE HAS ACCUSED NUMBER 10 OF BLACKMAIL
No 10 staff, special advisors and government ministers, he says, said there would be embarrassing stories leaked to the press if MPs did not support the PM
They also repeated those funding threats.
Quoth Will Wragg, āThe intimidation of a MP is a serious matter, the reports of which Iām aware would seem to constitute blackmail.ā
And he has urged other MPs to contact - and I need you to sit down for this one, Iām crying, this is incredible -
He has urged other blackmailed MPs, if they feel threatened, to contact THE METROPOLITAN POLICE
THE POLICE WHO ARE LITERALLY REFUSING TO INVESTIGATE
THE ONES WHO ARE RUN BY SAJID JAVIDāS BROTHER
THOSE ONES
This is the fucking funniest thing that has ever happened.
To round off, letās check in with the Ringmaster!
Rishi Sunak has been in contact with the Pork Pie Plot People, and has asked them what they need and what he can do to help. No one knows yet if he meansĀ āHelp get rid of Johnsonā orĀ āHelp you feel happier with Johnsonā. All very interesting Iām sure.
Arenāt you glad covid didnāt happen in 2005 like all the scene kids would be calling the new variant the omnomnomicron with a cartoon dinosaur or something
I can fully confirm this kind of thing happens.
When my daughter was about 7 she developed an entourage of Jackdaws. Not crows but theyāre in the same family.
She used to feed them and it quickly developed into them waiting by the front door for her, and following her around the garden. She liked to chat to them and it honestly seemed like they were listening (Jackdaws like/can read human eye contact). Sheād hand feed them and shoo off the neighboursā cats from the fledglings, that kind of thing.
We lived just around the corner from the local school, and I shit you not, this entire flock of Jackdaws would follow her to school every day. Theyād be in the tree in our garden in the morning and flit from tree to tree overhead when I walked her in, then hang out on the roof of the school when I dropped her off. I have no idea if they stayed there all day, but they would be waiting for us on the walk home and do the same thing all the way back to our tree in the garden.
idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each otherās clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and itās lowkey killing the mood a little
Alternatively: it's not killing the mood at all but it's totally making both of them giggle like they're twelve and possibly get lowkey competitive in a subconscious way about who has the most to drop.
The more that I think of it the more I'm seeing the incredible intimacy of letting someone know where you keep your backup knife.
Like my god, the trust involved in letting someone undress you and learn your secrets instead of popping into the bathroom to change where they can't see and hiding all your weapons under the sink
Itās not that thereās already a bunch of weapons hidden underneath the sink that makes it awkward so much as that thereās so many weapons hidden underneath the sink that they fall out of the cabinet with the unmistakable sound of a knife-alanche, and then the other person comes in like āI can explain!ā and youāre just dead-ass standing there with your own armload of weapons like āI can also explain.ā
Married version is shoving your hand in your partnerās clothes when youāre out of weapons because you KNOW where their spare is.Ā Or wearing a weapon in a spot you canāt draw from yourself because its now spare storage for your spouseās weapons.
Every year, in a small Welsh town, there is a race between riders on horseback and runners on foot. Evidently he above subject came under some discussion in a bar, and a bet was made, which resulted in a challenge people have recreated every year since. The race features dozens of horses versus a similar number of runners, and while a horse usually wins, it is always pretty close, and SOMEtimes, sometimes a human runner wins.
The race is 22 miles long. It is shorter than a standard human marathon. This is so that it is fair to the horses. A typical marathon is 26 miles long. A healthy distance for a horse to undertake in a single day for the purpose of travel is between 20 and 30 miles, but only if they walk at least part of the way. The years a human runner has won the race, the weather has been hot, as heat also favors human runners.
Interestingly, if the race is only ten to fifteen meters, 30 - 45 feet, a human can also win against a horse, which takes longer than a human to get up to full speed.
This fact of human capability for pursuit hunting and distance running is also part of why we have partnered with dogs for so much of our time on this planet. Dogs and wolves also engage in pursuit hunting, and sled dogs in particular can run miraculous distances due to some very interesting biological processes.Ā
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