Sometimes, I feel like subconsciously seeking out crowded places just be near people. Thereās no logical reason for it because as someone with crippling anxiety, I hate crowds and people. But some days, you feel so isolated and alone, your purposely look for a place thatās lively. In hopes that maybe that lively energy will rub off on you.
But it doesnāt. The chatter of people turns into white noise. And you find yourself standing in the middle of a bustling crowd, like a river weaving past a pebble. No one pays any attention to you. Theyāre all strangers and you donāt know them. You get glances as you cry silently to yourself in public. Youāre in a spot full of people and yet you feel so incredibly lonely. You canāt turn to your friends for help, no matter how close with the fear of being a burden. Your family reject you and turned your sanctuary, your home, your safe haven into a place of stress and a repellant. You dread coming home to your family. You feel as though you have no where to go. No place to call home. So you walk idly, searching the streets and everywhere is coated in a hostile, cold aura.
No real words can describe this feeling of pure isolation.