[youthrowmearound]

“

it’s my first day at work.

my boyfriend takes a picture of me like it’s the first day of school.

i’m business casual

airbrushed skin

hair just washed

dark circles

empty fucking eyes.

it’s my first day at work.

i’m paraded around the office, plastering a smile on my face that even i don’t believe.

i don’t remember anyone’s name.

every second dedicated to train

i’m pretending like i don’t spend every single second agonizing over what happened.

it’s my first day at work.

i get 2 read the handbook full of mission statements, safety protocols, and

i get 2 messages from you asking how i’m doing but i know you don’t mean it, i know you don’t mean it because

i got 2 hours of sleep last night because i was waking up next to a man who was not my boyfriend or trying to sleep off the worst hangover i’ve ever had or desperately combing through my memories to figure out what the fuck happened because all i remember is black or at the hospital getting a rape kit until 1am or in my bedroom putting my sheets and new clothes into evidence bags or in my boyfriend’s room pretending like i was sleeping when really all i could do was stare at the wall.

it’s my first day of work!

i get 2 read about rape.

victims get 2 weeks to recover

i haven’t even been here for 2 days.

”

— kdf // i will never again be the person i was before and i will forever resent you for that.

[youthrowmearound]

“

my first time after roe

i cried.

i no longer felt release.

i no longer felt the connection it’s supposed to bring.

my first time after roe

i cried.

i thought about the first time i read a quote:

“women will commit suicide over this.”

i understand why.

my first time after roe

i cried.

i heard my friend say, “i’ve never felt more alone.”

and even in the company of someone i love,

i, too, have never, ever felt more alone.

my first time after roe.

i cried.

it was the fourth of july.

and what the fuck do i have to celebrate in a country that

hates me.

that is able to despise the beautiful things about me.

that took everything from me because

one

more life

is more important than

all

of ours.

what a privilege it is to empathize and not feel.

”

— kdf // the aftermath.

[youthrowmearound]

“

i resent the idea of finding your soulmate in your 20s, but i have a feeling you’re mine. i didn’t know how to imagine a future before you, and now we’re talking about rings and our house and where we’ll move and how you want 2 girls and 1 boy (the boy being the youngest like you, of course) and i’m scared of how i feel. on the one hand i’m terrified because what if we’re going too fast, god do i want us to last, and on the other hand i’m not scared at all because something about you just feels right, feels like the home i’ve never had and now never wanna lose. i resent the fact that i love you this much this quickly and i resent the fact that thinking about things ending makes me cry like nothing else does.

”

— kdf // i saw my first shooting star last night and wished you would be my forever.

[youthrowmearound]

“

i wonder it you’d like my bedroom, or if you’d make fun of me for all the affirmation posters and weird trinkets, only to whisper in my ear later after you fear that you’ve hurt my feelings that you secretly love them. i wonder if you’d have any success getting back into the good graces of my best friends, or if i’d have to sneak you in and out through my window and endure endless lectures and teasing every time you’d leave. though, more than anything, i wonder what it’d be like to sleep next to you again; if you’d still keep me up laughing and talking when you couldn’t fall asleep, if you’d still kiss every inch of my face relentlessly, if you’d still pull me closer to you in the middle of the night, if you’d still give me a dozen forehead kisses before you leave. we’re not kids with commitment issues anymore, and thank god we have more options than a twin xl in someone’s dorm room, so i’ll refrain from wondering because it hurts to think about how much better things could be if only we lasted this long.

”

— kdf // i’m not sure i’ll ever feel safer or happier in anyone else’s arms.

[youthrowmearound]

“

i hate the dumb names couples call each other, but when ‘darling’ sounds so smooth and genuine rolling off your tongue, i reconsider. i hate that i smile every time i hear it echoing around in my mind, hate that i go back to reread the paragraphs where you called me ‘sweetheart’ over and over and over and over and

”

— kdf // call me whatever as long as it’s forever

[youthrowmearound]

“

i don’t think you’re in love with me. i think you are in love with the idea of me or who you want me to be. i think you like the sex and the fact that i would bend over backwards to do anything for you. i think you love that part about me, but i don’t think you love me because you haven’t seen me. i think you saw a glimpse when i told you a part of me likes being sad, but i also think i remember you not liking that part you saw. i think you want to believe you can be in love with every part of me, because you said that to me once, but i think you will not like what you find.

”

— kdf // i love you but i think you deserve someone you can love fully

[youthrowmearound]

“

i say to myself ‘i think’ i love you because, even though we have history and i recognize the feeling, it’s easier than saying ‘i know’. i say to myself ‘i think’ i love you because, even though i feel it on your end, i second guess it. i say to myself ‘i think’ i love you because i’m scared to say it out loud or to anyone else. i say ‘i think’ i love you because i know i do, but i don’t know yet if i should.

”

— kdf // the problem with saying it first.

[youthrowmearound]

“

tonight i went bowling and, despite how fucking embarrassing i thought it was, i couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to go with you. i think we’d both suck, and we’d probably spend more time laughing at each other than trying to win. afterwards, i can imagine you mimicking my form and how i wouldn’t be able to live it down for weeks. but i’d love it. i think i’d put myself in any embarrassing situation if i could be there with you.

”

— kdf // i’m scared because i think i love you

[youthrowmearound]

“

i passed the 30-day-no-contact-rule and yet you’re still living in my mind rent-fucking-free. i met a new boy and he’s better than you in every way and yet you’re still the person i miss when i’m drunk. i told new people about how much i hate you and yet your playlist was the one i played on the way home. i admitted to myself and to my therapist that you really fucked me up and yet i still miss you.

”

— kdf // it still hurts! why does it still hurt!

[youthrowmearound]

“

i. you told me you liked how i dyed my hair and i didn’t say thank you. being me, you probably knew that i wanted to, but i knew you would win if i did. ii. every cosmetic change i make takes me a step further from you. at this rate, i’ll be far gone in no time. iii. you keep popping back up. you said you didn’t want anything to do with me, remember? why are you telling me i look good? i know i do; i look nothing like i did when i was with you. that’s the point. iv. you didn’t like me enough as a partner or as a lover, so why on earth do you like my hair. v. i should have kept you blocked.

”

— kdf // you were so toxic; why am i still thinking about you?

[youthrowmearound]

“

you ask me, “are you mad at me?”

and i answer: “i don’t feel anything.”

you brush it off, like that’s the kind of response you expect, like are you mad at me is all this is about.

i don’t have to tell you that i’ve already gotten over our breakup because you know that “gotten over” is code for ignore.

i don’t have to tell you that i don’t feel anything simply because i can’t allow myself to feel the loss of you.

i don’t have to tell you that i’m not sure if, in all my pretending, i’ve actually fallen out of love with you

because you already feel it

and that’s why you ask.

i want to tell you

no,

i’m just numb.

i have to be.

”

— kdf // this is what you want, really?

[youthrowmearound]

“

one more second in the quiet of your apartment and i would have told you that i’ve only been fucking you because it’s the only form of intimacy you’ll allow. but even then, it’s hard to feel any sort of intimacy when you’ve started avoiding my gaze. i do like when you’re close to me, but i also know that the bruises on my neck from your lips only exist out of convenience for you. i miss how we used to be, when we weren’t whispering “i hate you” into each other’s ears, even if it is a joke (though i’m not sure it is) and even if i’m the one who started it (though i’m not sure why). and despite telling you it makes me uncomfortable, i wanna sleep naked next to you all night long and wake up to turn off your stupid fucking alarm clock because you never do. one more second in front of the front door i used to have a key to and i would have told you everything — but also that i miss you when you were mine because i’m not sure i like you as my ex.

”

— kdf // it’s not the same.

[youthrowmearound]

“

i don’t know what’s worse: that i asked to come over or that you said yes. we know we’re doing more than just fucking. you know i’m only doing okay when i’m not thinking about you and i know you haven’t decided what kind of boundaries we’re supposed to have. and honestly, i’d be lying if i said what we did felt right, because now i’m just more mixed up than ever. how can i miss you and hate your presence at the same time? please just tell me it’s not over. i miss us.

”

— kdf // sex with my ex

[youthrowmearound]

“

i let you inside of my body and inside of my head after things were over. you crawled on top of me and i let your face melt into the crook of my neck, your breath hot in my ear, my arms wrapped tightly around you. for a minute, i was home, until the facade melted away and reality set in: i would have to let go. honestly, i would’ve let you crush my ribcage with your body weight if it meant i could hold you for a little while longer, if i could pretend for a little while longer. i was never ready for you to crawl off, out of my head, out of my heart forever.

”

— kdf // we could have made it

[youthrowmearound]

“

i’ve spent everyday for the last two weeks with you, but, still, every short-term goodbye we exchange lingers in the air and engulfs me in its arms, like i engulf myself in the sweatshirt of yours that i found on my bedroom floor. now i’m making up for lost time, trying to right every “where have you been all my life”, like that’s any feat, like i’ve had a single thought that wasn’t about you in the past two weeks. it’s ironic, too, that i have one foot on the gas pedal and the other on the brake, because how the fuck did we end up here and how the fuck is the car still intact.

”

— kdf // you made a joke about us being in love and i didn’t know what to do other than laugh and pray we make it

[youthrowmearound]

“

you ruined so many of my favorite songs for so long and now you’re giving me new ones with your name written all over them, and you’re telling me to be careful, like you would actually put on a warning label — like you have any intention other than making sure i’m still hung up on you. yes, i know we say things that we don’t say to each other with songs, but months passed by and i really thought we were over and done with this time, so when every new song sounds like i miss you — tell me— am i supposed to read into it?

”

— kdf // i listened to my updated playlist and it hurt it hurt it hurt

[youthrowmearound]

i don’t think i recognize you anymore.

maybe 30 days is amounting to more than i thought

because i think we ran out of things to say.

i think maybe

you got tired of smiling at me the way that you used to, too.

i don’t think i recognize you anymore.

maybe i shouldn’t have lied when i said i had a new man

because i think you really believed it.

i think maybe

the comfort you brought me left after you swallowed that lie.

i don’t think i recognize you anymore.

maybe indirectly talking about things just made it worse

because neither of us know what the other is thinking anymore.

i think maybe

i prefer professing my feelings for you in the quiet of my room.