Yo yo let's grow

We grow yo from love. Panda and cat fans. A community of hope and support for the awesome. Sharing our journey in recovering from DID, PTSD, bipolar and depression

[yoyoletsgrow]

9 Life Hacks How To Survive Firework with PTSD

This are our tips and tricks about How To Survive the Fireworks:

1. Plan ahead

Make sure you don’t need to do groceries the last moment. Make sure your pantry and refrigerator are filled with food. Start grocery shopping in the weeks leading up to the firework but don’t put it of to the last week.

2. Get a noise cancelling headphone

They are a good investment.

3. Make a playlist

on youtube with your favorite video’s. Create a spotify playlist with music you like.

4. Bingewatch

your favo Netflix series and movies.

5. Build a hangout

Get pillows and build a tent. Wear your favo clothes and pyama. Get fluffy socks and maybe hold your stuffed animal with you. Keep the curtains closed.

6. Ask if your favo people want to join you on this day

Decide if its better for you to be alone or in company. Make sure to communicate that on forehand.

7. Talk about it with a therapist or counselor

To talk about it can decrease anxiety and make you feel prepared.

8. Contact your GP or psychiatrist

Maybe they want to help you by prescribing medication that makes you calmer. Explain your symptoms to them.

9. When possible go to a firework freezone

Stay the night somewhere quiet. Not always possible but for some it can work.

Do you have some more Tips and Tricks? Let it know in the notes or in our ask.

New Year’s Eve is almost here. Not a fun day for everyone. In the days leading up to it there is firework popping everywhere. This are loud bangs which activates our fight, flight, freeze response like crazy.

For us with PTSD and other mental health problems new years eve can be a huge trigger. For instance I just jump up and feel the adrenaline flowing through my body with every loud sound. The times I have hidden myself in the house making me as small as possible are countless. The sound of firework makes me vomit and nauseous. Not fun at all.

I know that other people feel the flames of anger in their bodies and run out to the streets without them realizing it. Many people including us dissociate in extreme ways leading up to and during the fireworks.

We hope these life hacks work for you. Feel free to let us know what helps you during the holidays. Together we stand strong.

Love to hear from you.

[yoyoletsgrow]

PSA. People already are shooting firework during the day here. Although it’s only allowed on 31 Dec 18:00 till the first of Januari 2:00. This can be different for each country. Time to distract yourself and put your self care plan into action.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Reblogging for the people in the back.

[yoyoletsgrow]

4th of July is coming…

[yoyoletsgrow]

Last month of the year is almost here. Time to make a plan.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Almost New Years Eve

[yoyoletsgrow]

It’s that time of the year to get your self care plan in action.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Yo!

[yoyoletsgrow]

9 Life Hacks How To Survive Firework with PTSD

This are our tips and tricks about How To Survive the Fireworks:

1. Plan ahead

Make sure you don’t need to do groceries the last moment. Make sure your pantry and refrigerator are filled with food. Start grocery shopping in the weeks leading up to the firework but don’t put it of to the last week.

2. Get a noise cancelling headphone

They are a good investment.

3. Make a playlist

on youtube with your favorite video’s. Create a spotify playlist with music you like.

4. Bingewatch

your favo Netflix series and movies.

5. Build a hangout

Get pillows and build a tent. Wear your favo clothes and pyama. Get fluffy socks and maybe hold your stuffed animal with you. Keep the curtains closed.

6. Ask if your favo people want to join you on this day

Decide if its better for you to be alone or in company. Make sure to communicate that on forehand.

7. Talk about it with a therapist or counselor

To talk about it can decrease anxiety and make you feel prepared.

8. Contact your GP or psychiatrist

Maybe they want to help you by prescribing medication that makes you calmer. Explain your symptoms to them.

9. When possible go to a firework freezone

Stay the night somewhere quiet. Not always possible but for some it can work.

Do you have some more Tips and Tricks? Let it know in the notes or in our ask.

New Year’s Eve is almost here. Not a fun day for everyone. In the days leading up to it there is firework popping everywhere. This are loud bangs which activates our fight, flight, freeze response like crazy.

For us with PTSD and other mental health problems new years eve can be a huge trigger. For instance I just jump up and feel the adrenaline flowing through my body with every loud sound. The times I have hidden myself in the house making me as small as possible are countless. The sound of firework makes me vomit and nauseous. Not fun at all.

I know that other people feel the flames of anger in their bodies and run out to the streets without them realizing it. Many people including us dissociate in extreme ways leading up to and during the fireworks.

We hope these life hacks work for you. Feel free to let us know what helps you during the holidays. Together we stand strong.

Love to hear from you.

[yoyoletsgrow]

PSA. People already are shooting firework during the day here. Although it’s only allowed on 31 Dec 18:00 till the first of Januari 2:00. This can be different for each country. Time to distract yourself and put your self care plan into action.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Reblogging for the people in the back.

[yoyoletsgrow]

4th of July is coming…

[yoyoletsgrow]

Last month of the year is almost here. Time to make a plan.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Almost New Years Eve

[yoyoletsgrow]

It's that time of the year to get your self care plan in action.

[yoyoletsgrow]

My thoughts about the docuseries Afflicted

I was watching the docuseries Afflicted on Netflix and something felt wrong. Afflicted features patients with chronic illness. I couldn't imagine that the characters agreed to be portrayed the way they were. You just don't let the camera film you while being bedridden and bathed when you know they insinuate that your physical illness is a mental one. It's extremely unprofessional to use quotes from doctors taken out of context, making it look like it's about the participants while they are not their doctor or have given them treatment.

As someone who has multiple mental illnesses it felt wrong on more than one level. You can have trauma, conversion disorder and still have lyme disease and have chronic fatigue. The participants should not having to proof they don´t have a mental illness to have their physical symptoms to be taken seriously.  Both can co-exist and it's time to acknowledge that. I find it offensive to think that once you have trauma or a dissociative disorder your symptoms automatically become psychosomatic.

Do you know how hard it was for me to get treatment for my migraines? I suffered for years because I thought my over sensitivity for sound and light was all in my head. When I finally went to a doctor because the pain was to much and I kept puking I was diagnosed with migraines. The solution that relieved the head decks temporarily was a pill. All that time I thought it was me and that I just created a bad reality. I grew up with the notion that mind and body are connected. Thoughts become reality. Whatever you put your attention on will grow. The world is open. The sky is not the limit. With time I know better.

I learned that dreams are nice but that with time reality kicks in. My basic needs like food and housing are important. My health is not a result of what I am thinking but can be influenced by genes or environment.

I felt compassion for the participants. It hit me because I am very well known with being housebound. The truth is that in my case anxiety keeps me in the house. It's extremely hard for me to leave the house because I am worried my cat makes to much noise. Which she doesn´t because I checked with all my neighbors but it's an unrealistic thought that is hard to erase. I have to endure the fear and break through it. Doing things despite thinking it while knowing it's not real but feeling like the world collapses when I leave the house. I take 5 pills everyday for my depression, bipolar episodes, anxiety and for sleep. That doesn't make a broken arm psychosomatic.

Watching Afflicted made me realize that while I am not bedridden due to a physical illness, I am housebound due to anxiety and unrealistic thoughts that haunt me. Yes I have migraines and hyper mobility in my muscles and I am sensitive for sensory input. Yes, it makes me disabled from time to time but it's not all the time so in no way my situation can be compared to those featured in the docuseries.

I am happy I googled more information about Afflicted. I saw that my suspicions were right and many participants were not happy with how they were portrayed. Story lines were created, scenes cut and pasted not in chronological order creating false narratives.  

It's my hope that people will realize that even with mental disorders our physical health deserves attention and need being taken seriously.

[yoyoletsgrow]

How we handle our DID in (social) media

There is nothing so sensationalized in the media as our mental health. Often we with DID are portrayed as evil villans or psychopaths in movies and series.

In tv shows our illness is made into a freak show. “Look at what they believe about themselves.” “What a weird behavior and what a supernatural freak.”

What we learned over time dealing with tv, written media, social media and new media online is to always demand to see, read or listen to interviews before they are published or aired. With the option of changing things.

It can feel like the interviewers intentions are good but in the editing room it can change into something bad. Sometimes it turns out the interviewers or producers don’t really get it. It’s a complicated disorder for many. Other times editors make it into another story and freak show. It’s about the views so sensationalizing your life is helping them make money.

We use contracts or a written agreement because a verbal agreement is worth nothing. For us this is needed to protect ourselves, our families and the DID community.

Fame sucks. We had people talk about us on the radio claiming we would be at their conference when we knew nothing about it. We had people interview us for written media and twist and turn our story into something outrages. We regularly where invited on live shows to have our words taken out of context. We made videos which were broadcasted and announced wrong or talked about in a wrong context live on air.

Even with social media our guidelines can look harsh. When we see well-intentioned people or people in the community spreading wrong information about DID we often delete and block them. In the past we tried to open the conversation but it rarely turns out in a sharing of thoughts but more in a war. Different views and opinions are always welcomed as it enriches.

I don’t need to have a fight about who has real DID or who not. Or about at which age it can or can’t develop. Don’t need to fight about which manifestation an alter can’t have. Or about hijacking tags. For me the scientific research and best practices are clear on many of those topics. Arguing about it is like arguing over if the sky is above or below or if the earth is flat. Interesting when you feel like it, boring and annoying when you just want a conversation.

We always knew we will use our story to inform the people. To show how ‘normal’ our disorder actually is. To let you all know that you are not alone. That is what we will keep doing although in another way than before. With full ownership of our story and how it’s portrayed. With all our creative independency.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Reblogging for awareness

[yoyoletsgrow]

Wonder why interviewers want to record a switch. Is it because of raising awareness or because its a fascinating phenomenon that will create a freakshow for views. I won´t feed the need for sensation. Be careful with yourself on platforms like youtube. What seems like a well intentioned video recorded as an expression of wanting to raise awareness can turn into drama and a miss portraying of the complexity of mental health. Be careful with yourself and your story. You have value. You deserve protection.

[yoyoletsgrow]

[yoyoletsgrow]

Found the right place for treatment for now

When you walk to the building it's big, overwhelming and clinical. When you walk in her office it's warm and cozy. Everywhere are objects and plants to look at and to touch. It's an island in a building that screams therapy. The walls in the long hallway scream new and rules. Her walls breath something different, something more peaceful. 

In the first appointment I had, almost 5 months ago it was made clear to me they weren't a DID specialist department. Which is so so hard to find here. They were specialized in trauma therapy and my older therapist who is 3 years near retirement had experience in treating people with DID. Which I asked for specifically after a long journey of psychologist after psychologist. My psychiatrist wants to specialize in dissociative disorders and the other psychologist in DID. We weight the pro and cons for coming there even before I had the intake. Which they knew was triggering so that was important to me. They were honest. I had to laugh so much about my therapist because she was very funny, so nice and a little system buster. I mean psychologists stay psychologists and an office stays an office but I never met someone like her in my entire career as client/service user. 

What was important to me was:

- The team was very kind in the emails they send me before hand and answered all my questions

- They all were very kind, knowledgeable and with compassion in real life

- They had a little experience with DID and a lot with trauma and comorbid disorders wich was translated in their actions which made sense

- There was no waiting list and I could come there right away

- Which is typical for their approach: very client minded and going beyond systems to help

- I wouldn't have to talk about trauma before they checked thoroughly I was stable. And they didn't tried in 100 ways to still let me talk about it. They gave the opportunity but didn't pushed and pulled and respected my boundaries.

- I can mail them at all times and they respond within a reasonable time with an answer that really helps

- They have practical tools for complicated problems.

- The psychiatrist had experience with trauma and was kind and easy to talk to even though usually man are difficult for me.

Not everyone there is like that. There are the 'follow the rules above anything else' psychologists and psychiatrists. But when you meet the right ones, treatment works. I am further than I was in the 3 years I had treatment and creative therapy at the last center. In all the 34 years in my life before that. I never have huge arguments with them now which was always the case at the last place. I had to fight for every inch of understanding. Even though they also claimed to be specialized in trauma, they really weren't. When an organization isn't really specialized in trauma and dissociation and doesn't have the clients wellbeing in mind at its core, it just doesn't work for me.

The last place always gave me the feeling I was the problem and I had huge huge issues but at this place I discover it's not all me. Some things just come with my trauma and dissociation and some things are because they didn't understood me. To fight every time for every inch is exhausting. It delays the trauma processing big time and can be hurtful and damaging.

It isn't all rainbows. I am triggered big time by the reception and the waiting room because they remind me of all the places who couldn't help me. It still is an organization with everything that comes with it. But there is an island in where I can be more of all that I am. I still have all the problems I had but there is also a horizon with practical tools which aren't just paper or bladiebla but real life working solutions. My psychologist asks me what works for me and builds from there. When something doesn't work we don't have to argue about it or dissolve in searching for the answer why. We skip it and go to the thing that works. Fast and goal orientated. 

My psychologist is the best in difficult situations in where treatment is stuck and a solution is needed. I can bring my coloring book and markers. I still am learning to trust, which is my second nature to not do. It still is very hard and at times I don't want to go. There are times I am triggered by something she does or says but that is in my nature and up to me to bring up. She listens. She learns and works together with me. She is smart and is the first one who can actually follow my thought process and thinks it makes sense. She is kind, warm and experienced.

Just wanted to let you know that I finally found a place or rather a therapist that works for me.

I got diagnosed last week with bipolar on top of everything else. But it makes sense. Hopefully there are medicines that work. Hopefully there waits a new world with more balance.

With love,

Mus

[yoyoletsgrow]

will be tested for bipolar in the next months. > <

[yoyoletsgrow]

Life is crazy. Very crazy. Luck is what we need.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Going for the experience

We are going to work more process focused than work school like on goals in therapy. We keep the goals like emotion regulation in mind and will work on our relationship first. We don't have to finish the intake the way we did before. We can fill in the paperwork along the way. Trusting that gaining all the skills get all the attention anyway because the issues are popping up.

It's the only way that will work for me to be honest. I am happy she is flexible and likes to work this way with me. She said that all my resistance and fears have a logical explanation and lie in my past experiences. Wow. That is taking me more seriously than constantly referring to my fear as spider like needing hard core exposure than my previous t.

The vision and way how they approach is me so different. I was reading about therapy and how I hear many people online say how it supposed to feel uncomfortable. For me it is the opposite. We are used to feel uncomfortable as trauma survivors. We learn to turn off our intuition and distrust our emotions. Therapist tell us it's because of our trauma and issues we feel resistance to the therapy. Gas lighting if you ask me.

We are supposed to feel comfortable and welcomed. I tried for many years thinking it was my fault therapy wasn't working. Maybe. Just maybe my therapist just didn't had the skills. For people with did just having a therapist with experience with complex trauma isn't always enough. I was in treatment with a specialized t. That doesn't mean it was the right fit for me.

We need to trust our first instinct and response when we go to the first meeting. Please trust yourself. I thought my issues were to blame and that mistake made me pay a high price. That of my mental health and sanity. I am further away from recovery than when I started there 3 years ago.

Today I maybe have walked backwards but I have a nice t now who just gets it. It will take time to build trust. It will take a lot of healing but I plan to experience it all.

[yoyoletsgrow]

This is it

We talked about making getting a dog as goal. Like a framework we can attach learning skills to.

I know I should take this chance. The problem is I got to hate goals and treatment plans over time. They trigger me but they are the language therapists speak. I already spoke about my doubts regarding the whole treatment and the effectiveness of therapy. I must be aware that I can easily sabotage therapy before I even started.

It's difficult to start over with a new T when I don't believe I can heal. The T and psychiatrist are to optimistic, to unrealistic according to me. We have to accept that this is my life. That this has been my life and always will be my life. That maybe 2% can improve but that the rest must be about damage control and decreasing the burden and suffering. It's difficult to explain that without being labeled as depressed. I just know it's realistic because I live my life all those years from day 1. I know how my dynamics work. I know what doesn't work.

I am not a treatmentplan. I can't be put in letters and evaluations and tests. Those never go to the essence and core. A life that suffers for 34 years can't be healed by getting a dog. We must not promise light at the end of the tunnel when there is no guarantee there is a lamp. Rather we must embrace the hard reality that this is it. Today. Now. With what we have and haven't.

This. Is. It.

[yoyoletsgrow]

I met my new psychiatrist

I promised you a recap. So here are my impressions. My psychiatrist is kinda young. In his forties I think. He's pretty easy to talk with. He said I was intelligent, had good insight in situations, could judge people well and was highly sensitive. He asked if I agreed with that analysis. Which was funny because I felt like a blob but apparently made a different impression. I asked if I could contact him when I had a conflict with my therapist to talk about it. He was totally open to that so that was cool. It felt like he didn't had a lot of knowledge about depression when it's cause is not primarily trauma.

He also said it looked like I could set my boundaries well and verbally hit someone when they would come to close. I told him it looked like that I could handle it but that when I set them my boundaries are already violated.

We talked a bit about why my treatment at the other place became stuck. It felt like I couldn't express myself coherently but I think that wasn't very noticeble.

It surprised me that he just mentioned my ptsd diagnosis not my dissociation. That probably was because I would walk away when he would have mentioned did. Also I am still in the diagnosis and intake phase there so... sigh. Starting the whole thing over is not easy.

I felt numb afterwards. No emotion. No likes or dislikes. Quiet and nothingness Hypoarousal I guess. It's like the ferriswheel went in super speed and turned silent after that. So that's that. Speak to you soon another time.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Upcoming first meeting with my new psychiatrist

What is important to tell my psychiatrist? I have the first appointment with a new one tomorrow. He wants to specialize in did. I am scared. Thinking about how I don't go just for myself but want to do it for the community gives me strength. I want to be present to be able to report back at you all. So we all can benefit from the experience. What do you think is important to bring across?

For me my main goal is to keep having my prescriptions continued. Maybe to increase sleep and anxiety medication. For the future to adjust depression medication. I will see how it goes. Fingers crossed he has some knowledge. Having an interest in did while working in a specialized trauma team is a good starting point. Freaking out and feeling confident at the same time.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Bye bye old and hello new world

I had the last meeting with my therapists today. I am so so happy I left the center.

It wasn't as bad as the last time when I got the final 1 on 1 with my t. They were nice today. Altough they still had personal facts wrong about me and confused me with someone else. Can happen. But because of my did they had a hard time believing they made a mistake. It must be my fault. Right? With my amnesia. That is stigma.

I lost 60 pounds in the last year. Not in the last three months as she said. I didn't lost much weight over the holidays which one t claimed. I have the numbers. I told them I have new clothes which aren't baggy so it looks like I lost more than I did. But they didn't believe me. Than she was telling me that not eating out of garbage bags must have helpt in loosing weight. I was like wtf??? I know I have multiple personalities but none of them is oscar from sesamestreet. And I just don't do that. It's that kind of weird stuff and not believing me that makes I'm happy that I left.

I had a healthy new approach to food which helpt me becoming healthier and as side effect I Iost weight. No big deal. No drama. Simple.

Gonna enjoy my new found freedom.

[yoyoletsgrow]

New years eve check

Ear plugs in. Headphones on. Curtains closed. Enough pillows to build a fort. Medication. Food and drinks?

■ CHECK!

[yoyoletsgrow]

What I Feel Like : Fragmented Personality | OSDD / DDNOS / D.I.D

[yoyoletsgrow]

9 Life Hacks How To Survive Firework with PTSD

This are our tips and tricks about How To Survive the Fireworks:

1. Plan ahead

Make sure you don’t need to do groceries the last moment. Make sure your pantry and refrigerator are filled with food. Start grocery shopping in the weeks leading up to the firework but don’t put it of to the last week.

2. Get a noise cancelling headphone

They are a good investment.

3. Make a playlist

on youtube with your favorite video’s. Create a spotify playlist with music you like.

4. Bingewatch

your favo Netflix series and movies.

5. Build a hangout

Get pillows and build a tent. Wear your favo clothes and pyama. Get fluffy socks and maybe hold your stuffed animal with you. Keep the curtains closed.

6. Ask if your favo people want to join you on this day

Decide if its better for you to be alone or in company. Make sure to communicate that on forehand.

7. Talk about it with a therapist or counselor

To talk about it can decrease anxiety and make you feel prepared.

8. Contact your GP or psychiatrist

Maybe they want to help you by prescribing medication that makes you calmer. Explain your symptoms to them.

9. When possible go to a firework freezone

Stay the night somewhere quiet. Not always possible but for some it can work.

Do you have some more Tips and Tricks? Let it know in the notes or in our ask.

New Year’s Eve is almost here. Not a fun day for everyone. In the days leading up to it there is firework popping everywhere. This are loud bangs which activates our fight, flight, freeze response like crazy.

For us with PTSD and other mental health problems new years eve can be a huge trigger. For instance I just jump up and feel the adrenaline flowing through my body with every loud sound. The times I have hidden myself in the house making me as small as possible are countless. The sound of firework makes me vomit and nauseous. Not fun at all.

I know that other people feel the flames of anger in their bodies and run out to the streets without them realizing it. Many people including us dissociate in extreme ways leading up to and during the fireworks.

We hope these life hacks work for you. Feel free to let us know what helps you during the holidays. Together we stand strong.

Love to hear from you.

[yoyoletsgrow]

PSA. People already are shooting firework during the day here. Although it’s only allowed on 31 Dec 18:00 till the first of Januari 2:00. This can be different for each country. Time to distract yourself and put your self care plan into action.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Reblogging for the people in the back.

[yoyoletsgrow]

4th of July is coming…

[yoyoletsgrow]

Last month of the year is almost here. Time to make a plan.

[yoyoletsgrow]

Almost New Years Eve

[yoyoletsgrow]

Changing therapists

At one hand we have the creative therapist which we are working with for over 2.5 years. She is not bad but doesn't respect my boundaries. She pushes my boundaries every time. Tells me she won't cross them but she does. My mental health goes downhill. My world gets smaller and smaller. She thinks she is helping me discover my parts. Thinks I can more easily talk about it. But the fact I got an official diagnosis on paper from the psychologist I don't see anymore a few weeks back makes me more open because there is not much to lose. Which I asked for before and didn't got an honest answer.

At the other hand we have the really super kind and nice experienced therapist at a place further away. Who told me by mail she won't talk about trauma the first times and i can 100% trust her in that. And she kept her promise. She is authentic in a funny way. She said that there weren't much options for her to refer me to other places. That we showed a vulnerable spot in our country and world as there are so little did specialists. Luckily she is an experienced therapist.

I discussed the option of treatment at the other place with my current t. I was hoping she was supportive in me having the courage to try something new. She was a bit surprised. I mailed her that I went for an orientation to the new place. And that it happened so fast that I wanted to inform her and keep her updated about the fact I was thinking about changing places. She thought it would create a lot of turmoil in my innerworld. That I must think about if I run away from anything. (lolz. going 2.5 year for every week while I rather visit hell is not something I would qualify as avoidence)

I said I had opposite feelings about it. That I don't like goodbyes. That for the first time in a long time I felt happy feelings. She agreed something needed to change but wondered if the change needed to be inside or from the outside. I felt dissapointed. I hoped she could be happy for me and supportive. But she felt the need to take it as an opportunity to increase internal communication. That was not my need at that moment. Not the space I want to give her but she takes anyway. She just doesn't listen. I wanted her to be happy for me.

I don't like goodbyes but I feel I need to do this. I want to listen to the happy bubbles, to new beginnings and hope. As difficult as it is to bring her this message and all the practical administrative things that need to be arranged I will do this. Because everyone deserves a nice and specialized therapist who just gets it. I can't sell the idea of staying to myself. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else so why would I stay in this place? It's not completely bad but shooting 1 mm next to the right target is also missing the right spot.

I want to keep documenting my therapy and hope to be able to share much positive experiences in the future. Somehow we are all in it together and together we learn from each others experiences and help each other grow. From love.