夢の中で

a wade through the shallows of heaven //  

[yumenonakade]

god, i’m so lonely.

[yumenonakade]

nothing. ~the words are gone

and i have nothing more to say.

thank you for coming up with me, for letting me pour you a drink and putting these problems at ease. But we are done. i’ve exhausted the extent of my utterances, can give no more. Fare well. Don’t stay back too late.

[yumenonakade]

It Fell. ~Whoops A life so sweet, its sugar was capsizing. Becoming the blood under her breathing. (She’s lying there, undead. ) I want you to remember me. Anywhere I go, wherever you stay, I want you like the moon – a longing last distance. Your face in my hands like the cosmos. Your smile kicking my heart ecstatic. Conversations we never got to share. I don’t deserve any of this. Each one of your flaws compels my mind to miss you more. How cruel. But you are beautiful. The world is horrible & you are brilliant and cunning and beautiful. The best part is, you know this! If you are the only one who knows it, my musings cannot touch you. I will tell you how I feel. One day, it will come out, dribbling on the floor; pathetic, like fake champagne. And you will stop and stare, guilt ticking in your reflexes, thinking quick of how to clean this all up. I am too much a mess, and it’s slightly tragic we were to meet. Because the thought of your existence comforts me. I know your exam went well. Your mind, sharp as tacks, nailed it. Sometimes I can let go, but not today. You deserve more than what you want: you deserve life itself. With love, ~A~

Letters to Caroline ( ii )

[yumenonakade]

bedpiece

we woke up this day and skipped out on our responsibilities.

i floated in the sunlight like salt-brine, craves falling away like cooked eggshells.

 walking through the house like stepping on broken glass

[yumenonakade]

The person you were’ Will gradually evaporate From memory As I attempt to count  The reasons i will not cry

[yumenonakade]

Nothing hurts quite as exquisitely as loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

wes janisen

[yumenonakade]

1:48//2:22

i wrote so many poems about you raw flesh into sentences you don’t deserve

I say I will do this Turnone direction, then the other. I am walking on parenthesis, a paradox On heels. I’ve never felt more alone Cradled my head in the arms of a room who never speaks Living seems surreal – unnecessary.

It feels: like creasing the edges of reality (the earth, flat as a disk; I am spinning out control; ruin), a small suffering creature on a microscopic planet, filling the bathtub with my thoughts; soak in. (this is who i am now) How To Continue : once you’ve lost all hope. Once you’ve reached where the sidewalk ends and it’s just a black gaping mouth; swallowing air. Like you do, when your nerves are on fire.

They put a bracelet around my wrist to show everyone I was sick. I forced bleach-cleaner down my throat to clear the impurities inside. I go outside alone now, holding hands with a breakdown. Under sheets, at night, sometimes i get distracted, fake love to a memory – to see if it still hurts. This is not going to be okay. I want no more chances - no roads to forgiveness. Oblivion is my acquired taste. Happiness will never know me the way I do. Somehow, I have to figure out how that’s okay. This jealousy will always be there to corrupt my insides. A cannabalistic tendency. it had to be this way. I’m sorry, I guess

[yumenonakade]

you broke my heart but i never offered it.

i’m trying to understand this experience kneading into its creases, like bread tracing its intricacies

as if in a gallery

knowing.That time is the only real Remedy.

(..i was disappointed... my first touch of intimacy.. meant mountains to me -- and glances for you...)

[yumenonakade]

The calmest sensation

palm drumbeat - (Ear leans heavy) listening to your pulse / press on the skin / offering a vibration to reverb through / the canal of your head.

teabag magic ~ (glowing warmth) a fingertip, cold / warms up to a steaming mug - pulls the tag, the string; feasts on the transformation

a petal, perched upon the point of my pen – who told you, lie here / lifeless and pretty / the thing of a body that once was. i, admire your beauty / i crave it. yet / stay unattained. / Good. The only beautiful thing I know / to defy opinion

[aspiritualwarrior]

Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.

Ali Ibn Abi Talib (via aspiritualwarrior)

[yumenonakade]

Skin Hangs.

you are not     | who you said you were.

My organs echo     | hung up, on the other side of the line..

Exploring & Unfolding You bloomed before me ,- unexpectedly.

I sacrificed my Days for    | something better You found Happiness    | somewhere else;

I find my feet dangling     | off the roof. A single doll    || on a forgotten shelf.

[porchbirds]

Wont you make this easy on me?

I turned off the lights. Touch me. Put your hands here. Anything that will make you like me I just wanna remember what happened. There was a drought, and now there’s not. Still my want could fill an ocean. I write & write about love I won’t fall into. What are we if not revenge against our father? I’ve done my killing. Crushed what I could because it was small and so was I. Woke up and nothing was beautiful the way you imagined it, but I’m trying. I covered the hills in makeup. Nothing is burning. Nothing is burning. Nothing is burning. Nothing is burning. This has taken all my pride. I called you twice, but you don’t think about me at all.

[yumenonakade]

THERAPY

It's harder to forget your gaze

than it is to forget your face.

---I: have to live with this thing in my gut. a formality. i told you, an acrobat- i'm performing convulsions within myself.

__you: are on my mind like a leech. living your life; Hurting, for the wrong reasons. kissing my teeth while i try to decipher how i came under you.

...SHE: loves you. Actually. You wouldn't know it, but some can feel - Pain. Loss. Love. Joy. Not the sparse wave of pleasure to stir a dead body. You don't want to understand. Yet.

|we: are leaving a mess behind. Catastrophe without a climax. All because we're terrified. Bent on suppression; self-corruption. emotion is out of the question. And while your words are glorified, mine await better. leave my losses behind; kiss the bloodstains on my sweater.

[yumenonakade]

Walnut

with your fingers you pick and pry me open   

before i’m ready to speak.

my shell is off and i’ve barely stuttered “yes”

My tongue grazes the moon As you get uncomfortabale with the words i’m about to spill when the Truth is offered to you    _on a spoon.

Life is like this you understand - i persist. in procession.  i will fight,  for perfection.

Leave your lover in Marrakech    _come climb this mountain find refuge in my palms, curled open

Eat the fruit and the nut

of tenderness.

And be no more  In the land of constraints_

This is my word to you  take oath, seed and oat - the grains of innumerable days.

your birthright is the fields in which they lay.

[wordsnquotes]

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (via wordsnquotes)

[yumenonakade]

I. saw the Light in your irises. darkness like a bullseye filling a crystal pond… and contract. walks are painful; silence bites, the frost of Night, too unclear on me. i fight with focus - so do you. lead me through your Pain. we live as walking statues - our minds tasting sky. your skull is overflowing (mine is merely floating.) i’m sorry to say but i sank, i fell in love_ with your wit And the slices it left in my skin. with your smile who whispered: stay out… come in your restless fingertips the talons doused red, ripe crooning the wool on this exhausted arm -and my pulse spikes. your strides leave me beside myself reaching like our shadows after supper i’ve seen the strangeness in your mind and, oh my, do you have me captivated. It is easier to speak in clichés than it is to convey my arrested captivation  to You.

starting: Letters to Caroline ( i )

[iwasnothereleave]

all i want is closure