OFFICE OF CELESTIAL WORKFORCE RELATIONS — COMPLAINT LOG
i wrote this at 11pm and i feel it is important that it exists
INTERNAL DOCUMENT — DIVINE GOVERNANCE UNIT
Olympus HR Complaints Department: Quarterly Case Summary
Issuing body: The Office of Celestial Workforce Relations
Cycle reference: Eternal Q3 (ongoing since approx. 700 BCE)
Status of all prior complaints: Pending
Status of this document: Also pending
Note: The Divine Governance Unit acknowledges receipt of all complaints. Receipt of a complaint does not constitute intent to act upon it. Nothing in this document should be interpreted as a promise of resolution, consequence, or change of any kind. The universe will continue.
CASE NO. OHR-001
Zeus
Chief Executive Deity / Lord of the Sky / Head of Pantheon (self-appointed, repeatedly)
Arrived to three consecutive All-Hands meetings as a different animal. Refused to explain why.
Issued seventeen contradictory decrees in the same afternoon, then blamed Hera for "the energy in the room."
Responded to a formal HR request for an accountability framework with a lightning bolt. The request is now ash. The irony is not lost on us.
When informed that his behaviour constituted a pattern, stated: "I am the pattern." Meeting was adjourned.
HR note: HR has attempted to open a dialogue with Zeus on eleven separate occasions. Seven of these attempts resulted in weather events. Two resulted in new demigods. One resulted in a memo that was very well-written but completely contradicted itself by paragraph three. HR would like to note, for the record, that we are doing our best.
Staff described the experience of reporting Zeus as "technically voluntary in the same way that breathing near him is technically voluntary."
CASE NO. OHR-002
Apollo
God of the Sun / Prophecy / Music / Medicine / Archery / Several Other Things He Brings Up Unprompted
Delivers all feedback in verse, including performance reviews. Has not stopped despite repeated requests.
Issued prophecy to three separate employees predicting their professional downfalls. When asked to clarify, issued another prophecy. This one rhymed.
Insisted on playing the lyre during a budget meeting "for focus." The meeting lasted four hours. Nobody knows what was decided.
When confronted about an interpersonal conflict with a colleague, said "I see all things" and walked away. The conflict remains unresolved.
HR note: Apollo is, objectively speaking, excellent at his job. This makes him significantly harder to manage. He is correct approximately 100% of the time, which he is aware of, and which he communicates through demeanour rather than words, which is somehow worse.
Colleagues report that requesting clarification from Apollo "feels like failing a test you didn't know you were taking, in a language you almost speak."
CASE NO. OHR-003
Hermes
God of Communication / Logistics / Commerce / Thieves / Also Thieves
Delivered fourteen messages to the wrong recipients. When questioned, noted that the messages "found where they needed to go," which is not how routing works.
Was caught reading sealed divine correspondence. Described this as "quality assurance."
Disappeared for nine days mid-project. Returned with winged sandals and no explanation. Project is now somehow complete. Nobody knows how.
Listed under three different departments simultaneously. None of them claim him.
HR note: HR cannot locate Hermes for long enough to formally reprimand him. By the time paperwork is prepared, he has already read it, responded to it, and left. We have begun addressing memos to "Hermes, wherever you currently are," which has a 40% response rate, which is, tragically, the highest in the department.
Attempting to schedule a meeting with Hermes was described by one complainant as "chasing a rumour that is also chasing you."
CASE NO. OHR-004
Athena
Goddess of Wisdom / Warfare Strategy / Crafts / General Competence (unsolicited)
Corrected HR's own complaint form. The corrections were accurate. This has not made things easier.
Restructured a colleague's entire project without being asked, then provided a seventeen-page rationale. The project was improved. The colleague has not recovered.
Maintains eye contact during conversations at a duration HR can only describe as "load-bearing."
When asked how she would rate her own performance, submitted a thirty-page assessment that concluded: "Satisfactory, with room for everyone else to improve."
HR note: Athena has not technically done anything wrong. She has, however, made everyone around her acutely aware of everything they have done wrong, which HR must acknowledge produces a similar effect. We asked if she had any feedback for us. She handed us a bound document. We have not yet finished reading it. We are afraid to.
Staff describe working near Athena as "being haunted by your own potential."
CASE NO. OHR-005
Aphrodite
Goddess of Love / Beauty / Interpersonal Escalation / Situations That Began Quite Small
A routine dispute over desk allocation has, at time of writing, caused two wars, one elopement, and a shipping disruption affecting the eastern Mediterranean.
Described a professional disagreement with Ares as "the most passionate thing that's happened to me this quarter." HR is not sure how to log this.
When asked to de-escalate a conflict between two departments, de-escalated it into a different conflict, which is technically progress.
Attended sensitivity training. Left early. Eleven people followed her out. The trainer also left.
HR note: We are not able to confirm that Aphrodite causes the incidents attributed to her. We are also not able to confirm that she doesn't. What we can confirm is that every complaint in her file was submitted by someone who, by the time we followed up, had withdrawn the complaint, started a rival complaint on her behalf, and sent flowers to her office. HR has stopped sending follow-ups.
One complainant described the process of filing against Aphrodite as "the most emotionally significant administrative experience of my immortal life."
CASE NO. OHR-006
Hades
God of the Underworld / Sovereign of the Dead / HR's Most Compliant Employee (this is the problem)
Has filed, processed, and resolved his own HR complaints without involving HR. We are not sure this is allowed. He cited a clause. The clause exists.
Responds to all emails within four minutes, at any hour. This has been flagged as unsettling.
Maintains a perfect record of every soul, case, and administrative outcome since the beginning of recorded time. Offered to share it with HR. HR declined. We are not sure why. We just felt we should.
When asked if he had any concerns about the workplace, said "No," and smiled. The smile lasted slightly longer than was comfortable.
HR note: Hades has done nothing wrong. This is, somehow, the most concerning file in the department. An entity with domain over the permanent and inexorable who has no complaints, no grievances, and a spotless record is not a reassuring thing to contemplate for too long. HR has stopped contemplating it.
Attempting to audit Hades was described by the auditor as "being very politely shown something you could not look away from, then escorted out by someone who was still smiling."
— INTERNAL MEMO: ESCALATION NOTICE —
The Office of Celestial Workforce Relations wishes to advise all complainants that the volume of submissions received in the current cycle has exceeded the department's processing capacity by a ratio of approximately all of them to our capacity, which has not changed since the department's founding and will not change.
It has been suggested — by an anonymous submission we are reasonably confident was from Hermes — that the complaints are not accumulating but are, in fact, being integrated. That the friction, the disruption, the chronic unavailability of accountability: that these are not failures of the system, but features of it. That the system works precisely as designed, and that the design is not ours.
HR would like to state, clearly and for the record, that we do not endorse this interpretation. HR would also like to note that we have been unable to stop thinking about it.
CLOSING STATEMENT — DIVINE GOVERNANCE UNIT — ETERNAL Q3
All complaints received by the Office of Celestial Workforce Relations have been logged, catalogued, and assigned case numbers consistent with our standard nomenclature. Complainants should expect to receive a response in the next review cycle.
The date of the next review cycle is not available at this time.
Outcomes from previous review cycles are not available at this time.
All matters remain under review. All matters will continue to remain under review. The Pantheon thanks you for your patience, which is noted, and your continued service, which is required, and your faith in this process, which is mandatory.
Nothing in this document constitutes a finding. Nothing in this document constitutes a promise. Nothing in this document will be followed up on. Everything in this document is accounted for.
Please do not reply to this memo. There is no one to reply to.
The Divine Governance Unit has been managing the immortal workforce since approximately forever. Our resolution rate remains consistent with the nature of the cosmos, which is to say: the complaints become history, and history is not a resolution, it is just what happened.
HR would like to note that unlike the complaints department, the ko-fi link is fully functional and you may fuel my coffee addiction here: KoFi