Goodbye PCS; Miss you forever
What to write about, the injustices of the world, we all know there is too many, and I am probably not the best to speak on that. What about the fact that life is unfair, we all already know that especially after this terrible year, basically there was a unexpected death, and for the past while it’s been hard to even think about, every time I would write id go back to it. It may sound dumb, but I am hoping this will bring me back, it has been almost a year, 2 weeks away and it will be. I was so glad last year that I had the next two days off, because it gave me some time to mourn, even though it was not enough. I would not be where I am in my job without you, I do not even think I would be where I am in my life without you.
Lets be honest, you were an asshole, but also the nicest asshole ever, because as much as you made it seem you didn’t want to be with me, I still hoped you cared and I know you did to your own extent. After you got a car you’d ask if I needed a ride home, the first time you didn’t and you picked me up after work after I started walking home, even though you lived in the opposite direction and still drove me home. I told you then I did not like asking, so you said, “Guess I will just ask you everyday then,” and of course you did just that. Almost every day we would work together and nothing will ever beat the one day where we made perfect eye contact and just stared for almost a minute and I still have never seen prettier eyes then yours, so much pain and yet they’re ones you could get lost in. The first nickname you ever gave me was Ramona, it was also right after I had finally watched Scott Pilgrim and I thought it meant something more, but of course it was just a thought.
The last time we talked was on your birthday, I had this whole plan as to what I was going to get you and I spent half the day talking to you, regardless of the fact it was also one of my best friends birthday, because I was lost in a bittersweet idea I created. I thought it was a great conversation, I guess you didn’t think so, because I never saw you after that day aside from on Facebook, I almost never look at peoples stories, but I always made it a point to look at yours, what can I say I always wanted to make sure you were okay. Every day I had this hope you’d come back to the store we worked even just to visit, of course it was always misplaced hope, I knew from the start nothing would spark, or at least I had to try and tell myself. From day one I was told no one could know about us, you wanted a promotion and it would get in the way, but when you ended up leaving I still wasn’t in the plan, and yet I still care about you, because you were a great person, I was just hopeful when I knew I shouldn’t be, but nothing will ever beat sleeping in a bed next to you and trying to hold you as you would start twitching, which I could only assume the reason for that.
I cannot get over one conversation though, you told me I should not have to deal with something, because it was not fair to me, you also brought up previous relationships and the problems. Constantly I would wonder why, why bring those things up if you did not want...-it does not matter anymore. I was never good at confrontation, so I never asked and that is on me. I do have one other why question though, why the day after my birthday, is it my fault, did I do something wrong, this goes through my head constantly, was it that you thought I stopped caring, was I supposed to keep trying, because I would have. I thought you knew when my birthday was, did you, I know they said it was an accident, but I cant help feeling otherwise, but then again I wasn’t there how would I know, we were never really close, we hung out three times after work and you would drive me home everyday. Yet somehow every day since you left, I wished I were there when it happened, but part of me always knew that would never happen, drugs can be the cruelest of mistress. I wish I could tell you, I tried to join you after I found out, I figured you were so young, you wouldn’t know many people I wanted to be able to keep you company, but I guess it’s good that I didn’t. Let us both be honest I do not know where you and I would have ended up or if you would even want to see me.
I don’t know, if ill ever be over you, because 3 months went by and I kept hoping you’d come back, to find out you never will, that’s definitely not what I wanted. When you don’t get closure, it makes it harder to get over something. I can’t believe I still cry about you, I cant believe the person I sat for two days straight crying over, he never cared about me the same way or at least I just have to assume he didn’t. The thing about not getting closure, it happens I get that I’m sure plenty of people have had similar situations, but we all know that doesn’t make it any better. All I can do and say is I may never get over this, and that’s okay, I’ve come to terms with the fact that its not okay, but sometimes that’s how life is, I just have to hope, hope that somehow my birthday this year will be better, because he was terrible at birthday gifts. I can guarantee the day after ill be lighting candles and wishing he was with me, December Eighth is a terrible day, and that’s okay.
