butts.

[glassbonespaperskin]

what is the meaning behind your url?

my life story, I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep

[nickelodeonhistory]

a deleted scene from the 2001 spongebob episode “just one bite.” it was cut from future airings due to complaints that it was too violent. 

[doubletrouble7997]

THIS ACTUALY HAPPENED! I THOUGHT I FUCKING MADE THIS SHIT UP IN A DREAM OR SOME FUCKING SHIT. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE NOW!!!

[dankmemeuniversity]

[spongebob-daily]

[pettycentral]

[smatter-deactivated20220909]

This might be my favorite post hahaha

[pdothamman-deactivated20170513]

I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD YO BECAUSE DON’T THEY KNOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE???

[inzergue]

[somefrog]

[inzergue]

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[with-drops-of-jupiter]

I C A N N O T breathe

[wdwpres-deactivated20190130]

THAT LAST LIKE .01 SECOND

[communistbakery-deactivated2017]

OH MY G OD

[thatgirlwiththememes]

[toastbutteregg]

i remember sharing a bed and a blanket with my cousin on a family trip. she was too embarrassed to fart out in the open because she’s known as a stinky farter so she farted inside the blanket

but she forgot one thing

my head was inside the blanket

[dankmemeuniversity]

[iodonaphthalene-deactivated2019]

literally been in this exact situation

[countmackulla-deactivated201809]

I hate when a woman says she hates something about her body and a man says “I’d still fuck” like that’s suppose to magically clear up my skin and elevate my self esteem.

Plus men will fuck anything. There are men in a mountain somewhere fucking goats cause they gussy is tight. Bye

[crissle]

gussy

[groake]

…. I don’t fear God, but I do fear the automatic stapler in the staff room

[vongolacielo]

“fuck”

[synille]

That small but heartfelt “fuck” brings this whole video together. 

[kaijuno]

The real college experience

- Depression nap at noon - “I haven’t been to that class in 2 weeks lmao” - sometimes ya just see ppl crying and that’s okay - sometimes ya just see ppl napping and that’s okay - DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG SOMEONE IS WALKING THEIR DOG ON CAMPUS THIS IS NOT A DRILL - “Is it free?” - “will there be free food?” - profs walking in late, hungover in pajamas - profs saying the fuck word and the freshies being surprised - *prof walks in 15 minutes late* “y'all want some milk duds” - a second Depression nap - finding a lost temple in the middle of the campus gardens and using it as a study and napping spot - seriously why has no one else found this spot - accidentally getting locked into a building because you studied until 3am and you have to escape through a fire escape on the second floor - Hammock Squad™ - witnessing a mental breakdown at least once a semester - IHOP at 2am with the squad - having to throw away your favorite water bottle because it smells like the alcohol you drank that one time you almost died on homecoming week - the apartment 2 doors down is having a party and they saw you walking to get your mail and invited you and now you’re drunk and sitting on the floor with their dog - The Weed Smell - The First Crossfaded Experience - everyone’s gay - that one prof you become best friends with and ppl wonder if y'all are fuckin but in reality y'all are probably just chillin and watchin cowboy bebop or some shit

[theonlybrunetteweasley]

Today I saw a nipple pasty chillin on the ground in the rain

[kaijuno]

God what a mood

[bob-belcher]

[funnystories]

funny story

when I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to club penguin except it was called Nicktropolis. and if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “what is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. so I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then i would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “what is your eye color?” (which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). i would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own account’s. and if it I didn’t want it, i could sell it for money

[khanos-deactivated20170219]

I love robbery and fraud

[pupu-platter]