Last august(2018) i was sexually assaulted.
I started talking to a guy, and after a few weeks of talking, i thought it was time to meet, so i went to his house.
I brought my laptop, and we started to watch It’s always sunny, things started moving very fast after that. We were kissing, which i was completely okay with. He then proceeded to pull out his penis and put my hand on it, i pulled away and no, he did it again, and again, even after i said no each time. He asked if i wanted to go further, and i said no, he kept asking, and started to try to convince me, and as he was trying to convince me, he would move my body so it was easier to access. He started to guilt me, and say, “Come on, i know you want to” I eventually gave in, i didn’t want to, but he wore me down, he didn't stop even after i said no, he kept asking and kept asking. He was a big dude, bigger than me, i felt like i had no choice. Quickly after it happened i left, i stopped talking to him a few days after it happened.
i honestly didn't even realize how much it effected me until the show popped up on my Hulu and i had a panic attack, i went back to his room in my head and i broke down, i cried for a long time and i couldn’t figure out why. Later i put two and two together. I couldn’t even call it sexual assault, i refused even to call it that because in my head that wasn’t assault, it wasn’t violent, i didn’t leave bruised and bloody.
“Coercion is not consent”
I’ve said that a million times, i firmly believe it, but when it came to myself, i couldn’t. I tried to convince myself that i some how did want it, but i didn’t.
i couldn’t even look at the memes from that show without crying, i couldn’t even take certain streets without having a panic attack. I still refused to call it sexual assault though, it wasn’t until recently that i was able to.
Only two people know that it even happened. I had to be told that it was in fact sexual assault, and even then i don’t fully believe it, even as i am writing this i don’t want to believe it.
But that is what it was, he assaulted me, he violated me, i said no multiple times, and he didn’t stop. I am still healing and coming to terms with what happened.
I figured writing everything out on a public platform might help, especially because no one reads my stuff anymore, i needed to get my thoughts and feelings out without feeling judged, because yeah i still judge myself. i’m still not even sure if i am going to post this