The thought comes to her readily, as it always has, though not for a single moment does she have the will nor want to say it aloud. Kaiâs already near tears- what good would it be, to upset her son further with her old grief? Subconsciously, she brings her hand up and runs her fingers gently through Kaiâs hair, as if she has to make sure heâs still there despite everything.
Mayaâs a very whatâs-done-is-done-letâs-just-do-our-best sort of personality, but being left to wonder if your children are even alive for well over two decades isnât something anybody can look past so readily.
âI know, I know you didnât sweetie,â Maya soothes mid-sniffle, taking the brief lapse in speech to shush him softly for a moment. âI just wish I could have done something. Your father and I both, even just- even just a little, honey⊠you shouldnât have had to go through that, it isnât fairâŠâ
Maya makes an active effort to stop talking as her voice turns taut and her word choice borders on childish. She wants to do better. She wants to do better by them so badly and it breaks her heart that by this point, she feels that she canât, not in a meaningful way. All the cuddles and home-cooked meals in the world donât make up for not being there when it wouldâve actually mattered.
Tears roll down her cheeks, obligingly silent in their wake despite everything.
Itâs okay, though. As long as she keeps her eyes closed, she can stand it.
âA day didnât go by where we didnât think about you.â Ray whispers, looking and feeling rather pathetic as Maya consoles their son by her lonesome. Heâs not without the same guilt, far from it, heâs just⊠at a complete loss for what to do. Much in the same vein as his wife, heâs not sure he can do anything that counts for much beyond just being here now.
Kaiâs desperation recedes momentarily, as if having his motherâs hand in his hair is enough to tune out the buzzing static behind his eyes. In reality, itâs far from a comfort -- rather, itâs the straw that breaks the camelâs back; a gesture he remembers from when he was small robbing his muscles of tension and causing his limbs to go slack. He practically melts down Mayaâs front, chest heaving in a tell-tale way as he starts to cry unabated.
âWe thought about you too,â he hiccups. âI, I-I mean, Nya didnât remember... but I told her. I told her your stories, an-and I tried, I-I tried...âÂ
No matter how hard he tried, Kai could never cook suppers like Maya, or teach blacksmithing with Rayâs patient manner. He couldnât hold Nya in his lap or walk her to school. Try as he may to be her mother and her father, he was only ever her brother -- and only three years older than her.Â
âIt w's hard without you,â he whispers. Perhaps the fact is too obvious to warrant such secrecy, but Kaiâs never admitted this before.Â
He doesnât want to now, fearful of upsetting his parents, but the cracks in his composure are caving fast. For the first time in twenty years, heâs allowed to be a child.
âNâthing could râplace you. I tried.â