AC

I think I might have lost my mind lol

[10ac08]

If you recieve any wierd messages from me, please IGNORE them! I haven’t been on here in ages and just went to check tumblr and my account has CLEARLY been compromised/hacked or something. I deleted all the wierd posts that were made (I hope) and am trying to delete all the wierd af messages it send out (saying I’m someone I’m not and something about an adult game? It’s clear to see that it was written by a bot). Anyway I’m horrified and trying to stop this from happening again

[10ac08]

Rapeculture is ignoring the response, “no, I don’t want to right now” and answering with, “yes you do, you liked it last night.”

Rapeculture is getting told that a girl got raped at the party last week and responding with, “she was drunk and/or doing drugs, she probably just regrets it now.”

Rapeculture is hearing someone say that a boy got raped yesterday and automatically thinking, “boys can’t get raped, it probably turned him on and he’s just embarrased.”

Rapeculture is covering up the star atlethes attempted assault because, “he’s just being a boy” and, “he’s whole life depends on this.”

Rapeculture is victimblaming. Rapeculture is slutshaming. Rapeculture is ruining our society. Most of all, rapeculture is fear.

Fear of admitting that something’s wrong. That we’re not doing this right. That the things we believe and dreamed about will turn to dust.

But if we don’t kill the rapeculture, the rapeculture will kill us.

[10ac08]

She said, “And I kept giving and giving

Until I was drained and empty

I gave away every hug

Every comfort

Every kiss

Everything that were supposed to be for when I needed it

I gave to others instead of myself

Talk about fucking yourself up, huh?”

AC

[10ac08]

I was in recovery, or trying to be.

At some point I relapsed, gave in to the thoughts.

“5 kilos! Now you’re an even fatter piece of shit than before,” she whispered. And I listened.

“Your thighs almost touch! Do you really want to be that disgusting again?” She asked. And I took it in.

“Do you even know where your spine is? If you can’t see it, you might as well cut it out,” she declared. And I answered.

Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict.

“Oh you wanted icecream fat ass? Well you ate bread yesterday, so you can’t,” she says. And I obey.

“You ate 300 calories in one meal! Stop alting like such a pig. Purge, now.” She demands. And I obey.

“You know I’m only doing this for you right? Don’t you want to be beautiful? If you’re not skinny, you might as well be dead,” she says. And I believe her.

Too much food today means fasting tomorrow.

Eating out means fasting before.

Everything has become about numbers and “do my thighs touch?”, “can my fingers reach around my arm?” And “how clearly Can I see my ribs?”

She is my closest friend and biggest enemy.

She is someone I trust and she drains me.

I trust her with my life and she kills me.

She is my mind, she is me and she is destroying me.

-AC

[10ac08]

I was your favorite flower, blooming in the sunlight. You watched me grow, then cut me down to the roots just to make me look good in your living room. I was your favorite pair of jeans. Wearing me to turn the head of others, until I was worn down and thrown in the trash. I was your old pair of trousers. Cutting out a piece of me each time you needed a hole to be filled. I was everything you wanted, everything you loved. I was under control, I was easy to manipulate and I was yours. And your love is what destroyed me.

AC

[10ac08]

It's been over 6 months and I still can't forget you

-AC

[10ac08]

The hardest thing I've ever done is tried to get better

AC

[10ac08]

I have been trying to convince everyone

That I am perfectly okay

So much even, I almost convinced myself

But then I can't pretend anymore

Suddenly, I get bad again

Well, not just bad, more like "fall in to pieces - don't make sense - out of my mind - I have never felt worse before - you might as well kill me now" bad

And I just break apart

And he, well he's worried sick and doesn't know what to do

'Cause 27 second before we were laughing about something stupid

And now I'm just laying here screaming and hitting things - and myself - and kicking and nothing he's saying is making me calm down

Fast forward two hours and I finally calmed down after being held tight the whole time even though I fought it and tried to kick and push my way out

And I apologise, I apologise so many times

I shouldn't have fought it and I am so thankfull that he never lets me go and always kisses my forehead and calls me beautiful when I feel like I'm nothing but rolls of fat and disgust

But when I constantly hold it in, sometimes it just slips out and it much worse than it would be otherwise, since it's all of the pain and thoughts and pain and pain and pain that I held in for as long as I could that just comes out at once

And I hate that I'm like this and I hate my mental disorders and I hate how he looks at me like he's in pain when I let some of it slip out and I hate how much I hurt him when he sees the ways that I'm hurting

But sometimes I just have to let it slip out, just a little but, 'cause if I don't I think I'll end up running in front of a train or a car on the highway or do to many lines on purpose and I'm just not ready to give up on a life with him

The thought of a future and wedding and kids and growing old with him

That's the reason I'm not giving up

[10ac08]

And the kilos fell off like leaves in autumn

AC

[10ac08]

I've found him. Hit the jackpot even.

He comforts me in a way I cannot explain. He kisses my bruised body and dries away my tears. Tells me the sweetest things, such as, "your company means a lot to me", "I sleep better with you", "you a beautiful body" and "I know you can do it, you're so smart".

When my life falls apart, when I fall apart, he's there to pick me up and put everything back together. If I trust anything or anyone, it's him.

I simply can't explain how much I love him.

I found him.

-AC

[10ac08]

Even though the number on the scale gets smaller, to me my thighs are getting bigger

AC

[10ac08]

I'm getting thinner and thinner

People notice, telling me to eat

I say I do, how would they know if it's true?

My docter checks up on me every month

And the psyciatrist is worried sick

But no matter what they do, I'll still skip dinner

Hoping that I'll become thinner

AC

[10ac08]

What you don't understand is that mental illnesses takes away your motivation to do anything, which includes the motivation to get better

AC

[10ac08]

I wish My weight Was as low As my self esteem -AC

[10ac08]

You dragged me to hell, but it felt like heaven when we kissed

AC

[10ac08]

Tie me up, I’ve been bad
Punish me, I made you mad
Spank me, I belong to you
Whatever you wish, I’ll do 
-AC

[10ac08]

I constantly destroy myself so others can't, not realizing they'll just pick up the pieces and throw them against the wall

AC