conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 51 (masterpost here)
*faint whooshing of air*
Dick: -was arguing with B for like three hours. he's genuinely trying to crack down on- *panicked yelp* *grunt* -whoooooly shit that was close, i almost swung straight into that stop sign.
Jason: you have got to stop drinking and swinging.
Dick: you're the one that dared me to shotgun it! it's fine, it's a bank holiday tomorrow. nobody ever does shit before a bank holiday; like they think they deserve a break from committing crimes as well.
Jason: tell me about it, i got so bored on my patrol route i've stopped and i'm now painting the outside of this lady's house for her. do you think you'll take some drinks on the stakeout?
Dick: *considering hum* depends on if i win my argument with B and get to take Dami with me. he's really trying to put a stop to unneeded team ups on stakeouts, it's insane.
Jason: he's such a coward, like he wants us to get along and spend time with each other, but once we're suited up? nooooooo~,
Dick: *annoyed mimic* 'taking more than one person to go sit in a room and watch for information is a waste of assets that we cannot afford right now' -one of us needs to take one for the team and get horrifically injured while on a solo stakeout so that he has to eat his words and admit we shouldn't do them alone.
Jason: i blame Tim. i fully blame Tim, because two weeks ago he took Steph, Kon, and that Flash-kid all on a 'stakeout' to watch for drug exchanges during some party. 50 minutes in and they got bored, started playing truth or dare, and Tim ended up just going and joining the fucking rager.
Dick, snickering: fuck, yeah Damian told me about that over the phone, what the fuck were they thinking? he's still grounded from that, isn't he?
Jason: i dunno but now they've ruined it for the rest of us because now B is cracking down- oh. oh hold on,
*faint mumbles from Jason's com*
Jason: No, no, no te preocupes, estoy bien, no necesito limonada. Estoy usando un casco, no funcionaría.
Jason: *chuckle* Gracias, gracias. -ok i'm back.
Dick: who the fuck drinks lemonade at half twelve at night? actually- who the fuck asks for their house to be painted at half twelve at night?
Jason: to be fair to her she's like, seventy and nocturnal. also she just wants the whole building to be white, it's kind of hard to fuck up regardless of the light levels. and the helmet has night vision.
Dick: *grunt of acceptance*
Jason: so do you think you'll get B to let Dami join you on that stakeout?
Dick: if he says no i'll just sneak him out to me anyway; i miss the kid, we haven't hung out in a while.
Jason: also, Damian on a stakeout is, like, my favourite thing to experience in the entire fucking world. he is genuinely the funniest child i've ever met.
Dick: *abrupt excitement* rIGHT?!?! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO HIM THAT HE JUST BECOMES A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON?!
Jason: oh my- no, D, you don't even know. I've literally had conversations with Talia where we've drained entire bottles of wine discussing the science behind this, it's insane.
Dick: he is just... a creature. and i love him.
Jason: my theory is that because he's so obsessive about being productive and busy at all times, that the only occasions where his brain will let him, like... chill the fuck out and just sit, is when he's on a stakeout or something. because in his brain it's like 'well this is still vigilante work, so you have to do nothing for a while'. and then he instantly transforms into my favourite person on the planet.
Dick: what gets me- what makes me laugh is the snacks. have you seen the shit he makes himself when he's locked in on a stakeout for hours on end?
Jason: seen? motherfucker i'm the one who taught him to cook, may i remind you,
Dick: *laughs* ok so- so can you- can you tell me what's up with the custard thing...?
Jason: *dramatic, long sigh*
Dick: *cackles* WHAT- WHAT WAS THAT?
Jason: i'm just-! *breathy laughter* no i'm just- i'm just preparing myself, because the custard thing- fucking hell,
Dick: ok so you do know what i'm talking about then?
Dick, amused and expectant: go on then.
Jason, resigned and hesitant: well... it was something cheap i could make easily when i was a kid, right? because it's literally just a couple dollars for a massive tub of powder and then you just mix a little of it with milk and sugar and bam, a whole meal-!
Dick, incredulous: -OF PLAIN CUSTARD?
Jaosn: FUCK OFF MY MOM WAS AN ADDICT. anyway, when i got to the league i realised that Day was like, the main heir of the league and therefor his entire existence was just about training; the kid got fed nutrition bricks and the occasional slab of meat, that was it. so when i became heir and like, usurped Damian's position, i told everybody that since he wasn't the firstborn anymore that they could all fuck off with their shitty child rearing and start treating him like a person,
Dick: -yeah didn't he mention he used to sleep in a cell before you came along?
Jason: yeah he fucking- i changed all that shit. made them give him a bedroom, cut down on his classes, started sneaking him out of the compound to spend the evenings with me and my crew in Nanda Parbat; and then i started getting him to try new foods and shit, cookin' for 'im.
Dick: and you made him *snort* -sorry, and you made him custard?
Jason: fuck off, ok? he wanted to help me cook and i figured just stirring a pot 24/7 until the goop thickened was as easy enough job. so it was the first thing i taught him to cook and i guess it stuck with him. he says the smell of it's nostalgic now, like a comfort food.
Dick: ...i guess that is kinda sweet.
Jason: yeah but now it's like, the first thing he starts craving the second he wants to relax or chill out for a bit. like i remember the first time i did a stakeout with him in Gotham we were planning for it and i was like 'ok this is gonna be at least eight hours so i need to grab some cigs; i need me some vices to stop from getting bored' y'know? and fucking Damian just hums in agreement and then goes 'agreed, i'll have to bring a portable gas cooker', and i'm like what the fuck are you-
Dick: *audible gleeful* HE- HE, THE FIRST TIME I DID A STAKEOUT WITH HIM- the first time i did a stakeout with him i didn't see what he'd packed for it until we got there, so i didn't know what the fuck was going on until an hour in when i brought out a pack of jelly babies and asked if he wanted a snack, and he went 'oh i'll make my own' and pROCEEDS TO SET UP AN ENTIRE FUCKING CAMP KITCHEN-
Jason: *starts laughing, slowly increasing in pitch*
Dick: AND I'M THERE-, i'm sat there side-eyeing him while keeping track of our target as he starts filling an entire fucking pot with milk and heating it up, just thinking like, 'shit i can't question him about this; what if this is like, a part of his culture or something-?'
Jason: *hand clapping* a part of his culture,
Dick: LIKE WHAT IF THIS IS AN ARAB THING AND HE THINKS I'M MOCKING IT?! I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW,
Jason: and he- the worst part is that he will literally make like, five servings in a single fucking batch. like- like the pot is full by the time he's done, and then he'll carry it and one of those big ass adult-spoons over to where he's sat and just proceed to raw dog this entire pan of fuckin' custard; face blank, eyes unfocused, just shovelling it in,
Jason: *eager* -he took a pot to the movie theatre once.
Dick: *indignant* FUCK. OFF.
Jason: no i'm serious, we did a- *choked snort* we did a stakeout once that got cut short abruptly, because the guy killed himself three hours in, and we'd already blocked out most of the night to be there, so we were like 'ok well shit, what do we do now?' and there was a movie theatre down the street from where we were based, so i was like 'well we could go watch a movie', right?
Jason: and we settle on a movie and i go onto the site to book the tickets online real quick, and i notice this little fucker out the corner of my eye, as he starts nonchalantly getting out his fucking pot,
Jason: and i'm like, don't you- *wheeze* kid don't you fuckin' dare,
Dick: *silent gasps of laughter*
Jason, struggling not to laugh: he looks me dead in the eyes as he brings out the custard powder and says *solemn tone* 'i will need snacks for the movie, brother'. AND I'M FUCKING- i have to be like 'hey, hey Damian? Damian, my sweet sweet boy? NOT THIS.'
Dick: *bursts into a new round of cackles*
Jason: LIKE THAT'S- THAT IS ILLEGAL. YOU CANNOT DO THAT. YOU CANNOT- and this fucking child proceeds to cook himself one of his fucking pans of custard, shoves a spoon in, and then carries it down the street into the movie theatre.
Dick: *while crying* and you- you had to go in with him...?
Jason: i swear to god i showed the ticket guy our tickets, the dude looked at me, looked at Damian with his fucking pot of steaming custard, looked back at me, and i had to be like 'yeah man- i'm not fucking happy about this situation either; like this is also not where i want to be on earth right now, you and i are both victims here, but unfortunately this child does have pepper spray on him right now and i don't think trying to take the pan away would be very productive'.
Dick: -aND THEY LET HIM IN WITH IT?!?!
Jason, sombre: Dick- Dick. you don't understand. he finished the fucking pan before the ads were over.
Dick: HE- *uncontrollable choking wheezes*
Jason: i saw him mentally calculating whether or not he could go and make another pot before the movie started and i had to put my foot down like 'if you dare leave this fucking seat before this movie is finished i will shave your fucking head'.
Dick: *still crying, tone high-pitched* i love stakeout Damian so much...
Jason, voice dry: yeah he's a fuckin' gem.
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