No More Flowers At My Door
The sheer amount of horrendous things my ex said about me is astounding. There were so many lies that when she admitted to me she was a compulsive liar (and serial cheater) I never knew just how bad it had been. I wanted, needed, to give her the benefit of the doubt. She would say such sweet things to me about how I treated her, took care of her, cared for her family, and provided for her so much that after I told her to leave she desperately wanted to come back. She even asked me to buy an apartment so she could live in it.
And there were many times I missed her and wanted her to come back. But almost 2 years later I am still finding out things she said and did from others that knew her and it still manages to blow my mind. Theirs too apparently.
This in the face of me telling her that if she could just tell me the truth, all of it, I would work with her to fix things. What I just can't understand is why she simply could not. I didn't and can't understand why the truth, the whole truth, was something she was incapable of providing to me in 7+ years. The stories from her ex friends, the stories from the people she cheated on me with, the stories from her own family, and the stories from her own writings have expounded on truth that she could not give me. And to this day I am still finding out more, bit by bit.
I have stopped myself from surmising or theorizing and letting the truth roll in slowly over time. Every time I think I won't ever know anymore, another stone gets turned over.
Things I want to say to her:
I often wonder, how could you look me in the face and tell me how I was your person, the love of your life, how no one has ever treated you or cared for you like I did or how you hate the fact you will never meet someone like that again?
How could you, when you would tell your friends (my friends), your family, your diaries and the people you were cheating on me with, the opposite? And those stories. The lies. I didn't believe it until I heard it from multiple sources. I didn't believe you could say it because I knew it wasn't true and refused to believe you would make something up. Even after you told me about your inability to stop lying. I just assumed it was about minor things.
I don't dig. I don't ask for more of these facts. They just seem to show up in my lap when I wasn't expecting them. And each time they manage to shock and surprise me.
I do wonder how you managed to keep all that hate in if all this was true. Funny enough, that's what all these same people that knew you have said as well. Why would you be so very desperate for me to take you back when all you would tell the people you wanted sympathy from is it was a nightmare. I never led the witnesses, I never put any words in any of their mouths, I let them tell me what they wished to tell me. And for whatever reason, in every single person there was a moment they switched from open listening to non-belief in what you were saying. This was due to those people knowing the facts and how they could not understand why you were lying about them and to them.
So here I am, once again in shock at learning more **TODAY** about what you had said and done, knowing that my telling you to leave was the only way to be free from living my life with a liar and thus from living a lie.
I will love her always. Unfortunately, there will never be a day I trust her. Not ever again. I understand and can emphasize that it takes trauma from an early age to make someone into something like this. For that I truly do feel sad for her. I hope she has a better life and I hope she doesn't repeat her same mistakes over and over again. I just know it won't be with me because I will not let that happen again. That's a MISTAKE (as she liked to post for me to see) that I wont be making ever again. There will be no more flowers at my door.
