Orlando Magic: Dwight Exodus
Dwight Howard requested an audience with Otis Smith. He needed to speak with the General Manager of the Orlando Magic. Dwight was on a mission, delivered to him in a dream the night before.
In his dream he wandered the desert, lost and alone. He saw in the distance some smoke billowing into the sky, so he walked in that direction. When he arrived, he saw a bush that was on fire but that did not burn up. Confused, he approached the bush, and the bush spoke to him.
“Dwight,” the bush said, “Dwight you must leave Orlando.”
Confused, Dwight asked the bush why. The Bush explained that his time with the Orlando Magic was coming to a close. The bush promised Dwight championships, endorsements and fame beyond his wildest imagination. All he had to do was leave Orlando. Dwight was intrigued by this prophecy, and in an instant the fire was extinguished. Dwight awoke from his dream in a sweat. He knew that he needed to deliver this message to the Orlando Magic:
And so an audience with Otis Smith was granted, and the Orlando Magic sent for Dwight Howard in a chartered jet. He came to the meeting and was greeted with a hero’s welcome. There were little cookies on the table, each carefully decorated with the #12 in icing.
Everyone was so nice, especially Otis Smith. They explained that there were big plans in place to build a championship contender around him. They promised to provide him with real help. They guaranteed that if he were just a little more patient, the Magic would be relevant once again. This was all very pleasing to Dwight Howard. And he really enjoyed those cookies.
Satisfied with what he had heard, Dwight forgot all about the instructions from the burning bush and returned home in his chartered jet.
Dwight relaxed, sure that his friends at the Orlando Magic would do everything they could to build a team around him. But they promptly did more of nothing to build around Dwight Howard.
So again the burning bush appeared before Dwight in a dream. The Bush rebuked him for not paying heed to the warning. The bush explained to him that the Magic were a team in total disarray. It cautioned Dwight of his impending doom, should he do nothing.
Dwight wasn’t sure exactly how to respond, so he did his Stan Van Gundy impersonation, but the bush was not impressed. Once more the bush instructed Dwight to deliver the message to the Orlando Magic:
With renewed purpose, Dwight Howard met with the Orlando Magic. Again they prepared the cookies that he loved so much. Again he was greeted with a hero’s welcome. Dwight enjoyed the fanfare, but today he had difficult questions for the people who were all so nice to him.
Dwight wanted to know why they had yet to do anything about his team. He wanted to know why he couldn’t have a point guard like Deron Williams to pass him the ball. He wanted to know why he had to play beside a man named Big Baby. He wanted them to fire the fat man with the funny mustache who wasn’t very nice to him.
The Orlando Magic were not providing Dwight with real solutions, they were merely saying what they thought would make him happy. This superficial appeasement made Dwight very unhappy. He knew it was time to go. Dwight was very sad.
Dwight desperately wanted a reason to stay, but they failed to give it to him. Instead, word of his wishes were leaked to the fat man, which only lead to further conflict and awkwardness. Dwight Howard didn’t like awkwardness. He realized that the burning bush was right.
Not long after, Dwight’s season came to an end. He realized that this was as good a time as any to treat his lingering back pain, so he opted for surgery. The Orlando Magic did not send a chartered jet for Dwight this time, he would fly standard air. There were no decorated cookies waiting for Dwight either. He was not received with a hero’s welcome.
Ultimately, the Orlando Magic brokered an obscene four-team deal, sending Dwight to Los Angeles and receiving very little in return. It was the final punch-line to a joke that nobody found very funny.
Dwight had become a freed man. The Red Sea was parted and it was a direct route to the land of milk and honey. This was a magical place, where Steve Nash lobs would rain down like manna from heaven. There would be rebounds aplenty from Kobe Bryant’s 30 shots per night. He would carry less of the scoring responsibility so that he could focus on his strong suits, like defense and pulling pranks. And Hollywood. There was Hollywood right on his doorstep.
This was indeed the promised land for Dwight Howard. He was happy now. So happy, in fact, that he forgot what all the commotion was about altogether. Why did everyone make such a big deal about his free agency anyways?
Orlando, on the other hand, could not forget. They had begged him to stay. But in an instant they were banished from the land of milk and honey. Instead they were punished; forced to wander the desert for years in search of a new prophet to lead them. JJ Reddick and Glen Davis were about as much of an empty dream as the Amway company that sponsored their brand new stadium.
It wouldn’t be the first time that this city was abandoned by a giant, and it surely wont be the last.
The Prose Rankings are a series ranking NBA teams from the bottom to the top in a less than traditional manner.
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