think I'm beginning to hate writing.
I used to write a lot. Starting from when I was seven, I began trying out a new skill. Writing. Because I loved reading, the spark was already there. So it was no surprise that what was trial run quickly became I hobby I did more and more as I got older. Highschool was when I slowed down but that was because I became more critical about my writing quality. A process, anyone who's had a hobby for years will understand. So having ups and downs thereafter were normal. During and after COVID lockdown, I focused on my commitment issues to continuing a story. So many new shiny ideas I want to play with and so easy too when I get stuck on story after story. And it worked! I learned that I needed an outline but MY way. I wish I could say that's how my story ended. I learned my weaknesses, fixed them and now write like crazy again. Less writers block. However, my issue wasn't that easy. Yes, I no longer am stuck in a story forever. And yes, I started to write more. At least at first⊠It never cured my several months long burn outs that I was having. Yes. Months! Everytime I thought I'd disciplined myself to write everyday, a day would pass where my mind lacked the words and would proceed not to write. That would be the bump in the road to make my car flip and crash. I wouldn't write for months afterward. Until I started my process all over again, believing âThis time, it'll be different!â
Newsflash, it wasn't different. It never was. And I know what you're probably thinking. Iâm pushing myself and need to find a process that doesn't lead to burn out. Well, I tried not writing everyday and taking frequent breaks, but that didn't help motivate me to write. So I ended up having more non productive days than productive. The thing about being a writer is, you have to write! This wouldn't be a problem to me if I could write thousands of words in a day but I'm cursed to also be a slow write. Anything above 700 words is a good day for me. So, daily writing shows better results than writing a few times every few months. So I repeated the cycle of trying to write daily, because there was no other advice that was helping. So far, I'd tried outlining, writing groups, writing sprints, listening to typing asmr, listening to music, reading other ppl's writing, setting daily, weekly, and monthly goals that were attainable for me. But again, Iâd burn out for months. I didn't think it was *that* bad, until I started keeping track of my writing five years ago. That's when I came to the horrifying realization, I was writing less and less. If you've read this far, you're probably thinking, âYou don't hate writing, you just have burn out. Everyone goes through it.â
However, would you still say that if I told you I don't like the writing process? That I only like the results? That I have to hype myself up to write, like I'm about to face something treacherous? That when I'm unhappy, I don't start writing to cheer myself up. I draw instead? And when I don't draw for a few days, I get sad? While, when I don't write for a few days, I only feel frustration for not having written, and then shove that shame into a closet, like an unwanted child? Yeah. Exactly. I don't know when the great shift happened. I want to say it was overnight but clearly it happened at such a slow rate I didn't notice it until it was staring me in the face. I denied it for a while too, but I'm done denying. I just want to fix this. But even my reason for fixing it doesn't sound like it's coming from a deep love of writing. I just don't want all those years of honing a skill to be for not. And all that written progress too. Maybe for someone else, my compilation of writing is what they could write in a year, but for me it's a lot. A lot of work, time, effort, I'll never get back if I quit now. I'd be a failure that never got to finish. And I don't want that. What would I even do? I love my stories. I don't want to stop storytelling just because I hate writing. And no. I'm not going to switch to a visual media for my storytelling. I wouldn't even be venting right now if it was as simple as, âJust become a comic artist.â My dissatisfaction with my art skill is exactly why I picked up writing all those years ago. I've become a better artist but I still have weaknesses and things I DON'T want to draw at all, but would need to for a hypothetical comic. So as it stands, writing is the medium I feel chained too. Writing and storytelling. The bonded pair that I have but only want one and not the other.
