To Love What is Mortal

Honest notes from my life.

[a-joy-w]

My mommy thought I was Siri this morning 😋. I was on speaker phone talking to my siblings.

[a-joy-w]

If you fall

I fall with you

If you hurt I feel it too

Even if my heart turns black and blue

I will love you

-JJ Heller

Taking to yourself as if you were a separate person seems ridiculous and maybe even a little... blasphemous or something, depending on what you say. I can’t put my finger on it. It just makes me uncomfortable and I’m not sure if it’s because of some truth or value I hold or if it’s from my culture or what. Writing letters to your future self is normal so why not the current self? ... I don’t know.

Yesterday though, this song was running through my head. I felt like I was the “house that was burning.” So I began singing to myself. It was very strange but oddly comforting.

[a-joy-w]

Guys, I’m not doing so great. I guess it’s a type of depression. Everything kind of seems like it doesn’t even matter and anyway it’s kind of boring and takes too much energy. It’s not too bad but it’s lasted longer than it ever had before for me and I could see it getting worse. I hate trying to figure this out. Seems like everyone has a different opinion on what depression actually is and how to deal with it.

[a-joy-w]

I changed this poem at the end because I think the original ending sounded bitter and superior to the other people.

I am so sensitive that I constantly struggle with how to handle it when other people hurt me. For years I tried to “have thicker skin” as so many people told me to do. Or “don’t let people run me over” which is another common thing people tell me. I reasoned with myself that they themselves were hurt or that they were right about me or that they were wrong. All I ended up doing was pushing down the hurt or going into a shame spiral or getting angry.

I am now learning that it doesn’t matter if they mean to hurt me or if they are right. I must forgive in order to deal with the hurt. And in order to love them well. As for the judgements, God is the one who gets to decide if I am lovable. I say that in the humblest way. Not that I will get angry at others’ judgements but that I will be able to look past them to the person who needs love as much as I do.

It’s a process and it’s going to take a lot of practice to get there but at least I am starting to understand where I should be headed.

[a-joy-w]

My hope is not in people! My hope is not in the church! My hope is not in my friends!

My hope is in God.

When I do not expect perfection from people then I am free to appreciate what they offer me.

[a-joy-w]

Then they (Jesus’ followers) said to him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God? Jesus answered and said to them, This is the work of God, that you believe on him whom he hath sent.

John 6:28-29

[a-joy-w]

I’ve always wanted to run away. Not like I don’t like my life and I know I get homesick easily but whenever I watch spy movies I get the urge to dye my hair and drop off the grid. Lately I’ve been on a kick watching #vanlife videos on Youtube. Maybe it’s wanderlust. Maybe I want to see what it’s like to be someone else.

[a-joy-w]

Why do I dread going to birthdays and hate going by myself to church?

Umm...it’s called social anxiety, girl!

[a-joy-w]

“The Truth Will Set You Free”

My Morning Affirmations Taken Straight From Bible Verses:

God’s light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it. 

As God thinks it will come to pass and as he has purposed it will stand. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that I ask or think. The everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary. There is no searching of his understanding. God planted the ear, formed the eye, and teaches knowledge. He will hear, see, and know. If I believe not, yet God abides faithful.

I will hear a word behind me if I turn to the right hand or to the left saying this is the way-walk in it. This is the work of God: that I believe on Him who He sent. My strength is to sit still. In returning and rest I will be saved. 

If I have a fearful heart I can be strong and fear not because God will come with a vengeance and a recompense to save me. I can be careful for nothing. If I, with thanksgiving, let God know my requests, then His peace which passes all understanding will keep my heart and mind. God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on Him because I trust Him. The Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Christ’s love toward me passes knowledge. No one can separate me from that love. 

God searches my heart and knows what I am going to say before I say it. The Holy Spirit prays for me the prayers I don’t even know I need. Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. He has called me a friend. Since God is for me none can be against me. God is the author and finisher of my faith.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a daughter. The Egyptians are men and not God. I should not fear the reproach of men because they will disappear but Gods righteousness will last forever. I am the Lord’s freeman. I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people, accepted in the beloved. I am of the light and of the day. The one who created me cares about me. I am precious in His sight. I am more than a conquer through him who loves me.

The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup:

thou maintainest my lot.

The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places;

yea, I have a goodly heritage.

[a-joy-w]

It’s soooooo nice to have people around to talk to who love me but I have discovered when I visit my parents and youngest siblings house I have symptoms very similar to culture shock or reentry. It’s hard to go from strangers for 8 hours and a completely empty apartment on evenings and weekends to being with so many people I know and love 24/7.

[a-joy-w]

Discovered my enneagram is type 3. Realized I’m not in one of the healthier levels of type three. Need to find Bible verses to read every day to help my heart believe truths instead of lies. Maybe I’ll post some here.

[a-joy-w]

Post I found in my Journal from last year:

[a-joy-w]

There are some people I can be myself around. They’re just hours away by plane. :-(

My family and friends here have changed. What if those friends change too?

I need a local church. I need people who think like me and who are strong in their faith. Who aren’t just my parents.

But even with that I’ll still miss my friends. So much.

[a-joy-w]

A people must have a god

A mother must have a child

Any other thought would be odd

A king must then have a kingdom

And a people must have a god

A twin is no twin with no sibling

A husband is not without wife

And creation without a creator

Has nothing to bring it to life

So say what you will about proof

Or living your life on your own

But God wants you for his people

So your hearts will not turn to stone

-Me

[a-joy-w]

So often I put my life in boxes. I don’t want to block it up. I want Christ in all of it. I’m not sure how to say it and it sounds cliché but I wish I could better reconcile in my brain everyday life and my relationship with God.

Reading “Grace for the Good Girl” and pondering...

[a-joy-w]

I love how laid back night shift is. Even busy night shifts have a certain peaceful background feel that day shift will never have.

On the other hand there are fewer people around to help should something go wrong so there is the slightest element of terror also.

[a-joy-w]

Thoughts on working the front lines during the coronavirus pandemic:

https://open.spotify.com/track/7Jd1bpQBw6Jc4eSfzTqEp1?si=beJNN9aEQsGtLkU2JpxXgA