I haven't written in a while.
I have been feeling a bit down lately because I don't have many friends, and none are as close to me like friends I had when I was younger. I am 32, so I know this is part of getting older because many people are just busy with their lives.. But I just miss it.
Sometimes I blame myself for it, or wonder if the more someone learns about me and gets to know me, the more likely they are to pull away.
I usually tell potential friends that I am bisexual/polyamorous/neurodivergent (adhd) pretty early on and maybe that oversharing is alienating. I'm afraid that if I'm not upfront though, that people will suddenly flip on me later. I have rejection trauma for being bisexual and for being polyamorous.
Although polyamory isn't an identity in the same way as being queer, it is a lifestyle that is often not accepted and sometimes ridiculed by others of all sexualities and genders.
People can say some pretty mean stuff about polyam folks. Like ok, I get it isn't for you. But why are we constantly called degenerates and cucks?? I don't watch my partners do things with others. We simply have multiple relationships. I don't even know why I try to make others understand, because we shouldn't even need to be understood to be respected.
Also, of course, being neurodivergent and mentally ill alienates me from others sometimes as well. I know that because I struggle with chores my house isn't always up to par so I feel self conscious to invite people over. But it seems like on occasions where I actually clean well and plan for guests that not many people even come.
Meds have done a lot for helping me to not get into arguments/fights with friends and partners as much as when I was younger. I lost a lot of friends in the past to this, but now it is too late to salvage those relationships.
I keep trying to start new and it just seems like I never will where I'm living now. I managed to make a few friends to hang out with occasionally but I feel like only my romantic partners (2) really know me and understand me. I feel like I am cursed always masking around friends or potential friends and it prevents me from getting closer. I even heard one girl who I thought was my friend thinks I'm fake. I'm trying to be fucking polite and not be a freak. But ok I guess that makes me fake. I can't win.
I think some of my unmasked behaviors are also just hard to accept. Even my romantic partners think I'm a little cringe sometimes but they love me so they are able to find endearment in it that other people probably won't. I do things like act very childish and make random noises. I fidget twirling my hair and biting at my nailbeds. It might not sound extreme or anything, but my disposition differs pretty greatly from how I behave in public and with friends I have not felt comfortable to unmask around.
A lot of my problem is region based though, and I know that (I live in a rural area, and I'm from a larger city where I had a better opportunity to meet like minded folks.) It doesn't make me feel much better about myself though.
I have over a year until we can move away from this region but it can't come soon enough. I'm 32 and I am afraid my best years are just over. I'm still often told I look 25 and I'm still attractive.. Albeit a little overweight now (but in a milf way!) so I don't feel like I have lost my youth yet but I don't want too much time to pass by where I must remain stagnant.
At least I have my 2 wonderful partners with me every day. We all live together and we are very happy otherwise. My boys are homebodies so they aren't as bothered by being in a rural area as I am though.
My husband is my best friend and our dynamic is very sassy and fun. He has been there for me through many struggles in my life and I have for him as well. We have been married nearly a decade.
My bf is wonderful as well, but a newer relationship. We have been together a bit over a year. He gets along well with my husband and they share a lot of hobbies. He is so gentle and remarkable at solving conflicts. I don't think I've ever truly had a fight with him.
All of us also share similar values and beliefs in general so it feels like I'm with my people. I just wish I had more platonic friends who I felt much closer to.








