Living for days without Breakdowns

This is my personal diary, meant to chronicle my outbursts, emotional breakdowns etc. My psychologist requested I document it for my treatment. I am officially diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, An Emotional Adjustment Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and ADHD. I am considered a "quiet" borderline. I have many friends but very few of them have seen my true colors. I am married and my husband is my "fp"...I didn't realize favorite person was a very defining trait of bpd until I looked at other people's personal posts on here. I have definitely always had a favorite person constantly through my life. Either as a best friend or lover. I hope documenting my experiences like this will contribute to future dialectic behavioral therapy and medicinal treatment for myself. I won't reblog much on this blog, as it will clutter my entries for reference later. I can't resist doing so for super relevant posts though. Feel free to ask questions, if anyone reads this blog..I want to help others. I'll do my best.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I haven't written in a while.

I have been feeling a bit down lately because I don't have many friends, and none are as close to me like friends I had when I was younger. I am 32, so I know this is part of getting older because many people are just busy with their lives.. But I just miss it.

Sometimes I blame myself for it, or wonder if the more someone learns about me and gets to know me, the more likely they are to pull away.

I usually tell potential friends that I am bisexual/polyamorous/neurodivergent (adhd) pretty early on and maybe that oversharing is alienating. I'm afraid that if I'm not upfront though, that people will suddenly flip on me later. I have rejection trauma for being bisexual and for being polyamorous.

Although polyamory isn't an identity in the same way as being queer, it is a lifestyle that is often not accepted and sometimes ridiculed by others of all sexualities and genders.

People can say some pretty mean stuff about polyam folks. Like ok, I get it isn't for you. But why are we constantly called degenerates and cucks?? I don't watch my partners do things with others. We simply have multiple relationships. I don't even know why I try to make others understand, because we shouldn't even need to be understood to be respected.

Also, of course, being neurodivergent and mentally ill alienates me from others sometimes as well. I know that because I struggle with chores my house isn't always up to par so I feel self conscious to invite people over. But it seems like on occasions where I actually clean well and plan for guests that not many people even come.

Meds have done a lot for helping me to not get into arguments/fights with friends and partners as much as when I was younger. I lost a lot of friends in the past to this, but now it is too late to salvage those relationships.

I keep trying to start new and it just seems like I never will where I'm living now. I managed to make a few friends to hang out with occasionally but I feel like only my romantic partners (2) really know me and understand me. I feel like I am cursed always masking around friends or potential friends and it prevents me from getting closer. I even heard one girl who I thought was my friend thinks I'm fake. I'm trying to be fucking polite and not be a freak. But ok I guess that makes me fake. I can't win.

I think some of my unmasked behaviors are also just hard to accept. Even my romantic partners think I'm a little cringe sometimes but they love me so they are able to find endearment in it that other people probably won't. I do things like act very childish and make random noises. I fidget twirling my hair and biting at my nailbeds. It might not sound extreme or anything, but my disposition differs pretty greatly from how I behave in public and with friends I have not felt comfortable to unmask around.

A lot of my problem is region based though, and I know that (I live in a rural area, and I'm from a larger city where I had a better opportunity to meet like minded folks.) It doesn't make me feel much better about myself though.

I have over a year until we can move away from this region but it can't come soon enough. I'm 32 and I am afraid my best years are just over. I'm still often told I look 25 and I'm still attractive.. Albeit a little overweight now (but in a milf way!) so I don't feel like I have lost my youth yet but I don't want too much time to pass by where I must remain stagnant.

At least I have my 2 wonderful partners with me every day. We all live together and we are very happy otherwise. My boys are homebodies so they aren't as bothered by being in a rural area as I am though.

My husband is my best friend and our dynamic is very sassy and fun. He has been there for me through many struggles in my life and I have for him as well. We have been married nearly a decade.

My bf is wonderful as well, but a newer relationship. We have been together a bit over a year. He gets along well with my husband and they share a lot of hobbies. He is so gentle and remarkable at solving conflicts. I don't think I've ever truly had a fight with him.

All of us also share similar values and beliefs in general so it feels like I'm with my people. I just wish I had more platonic friends who I felt much closer to.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I am 14 lbs down so far in my weight loss journey. I am feeling good, just wish I saw progress sooner. I can't see a physical difference yet. It has been just shy of a month to lose this much.

The first 10 lbs came off quickly but it took about twice as long to lose the next 4 lbs.

I'm going to keep it up, and I hope I don't let myself fall into the habits that made me gain all the weight in the first place. (like binge eating.)

I quit drinking alcohol for the diet, but I am considering quitting drinking altogether because I attribute some of the gain to binge drinking on the weekends for a long time. I still smoke weed everyday, but there are no calories in that lol. Also, it has not seemed to increase my appetite enough to ruin the diet or anything.

Wish me luck to lose some more weight until the next update!

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

Just saw a post about having a pet that has passed away and it made me think about my childhood cat and cry.

I have new pets now, and I guess I don't think about him as much as I used to when he was here. It has been over 12 years since he passed away.

But when I remember him, it hurts so much. I would give anything to see him and talk to him again.

I am not religious, but if anything happens beyond death I hope I will see him again.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

Over the past few years I gained 60+ pounds. I started to get close to 200, and it feels like a switch went off in my brain and now I have been serious about losing the weight.

I have been losing about half a pound a day, at least it seems. Basically I am doing meal replacement bars for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and then eating whatever I want under 1000 calories for dinner. It seems to be working so far, and relatively quickly. My goal is to get back down to 125 pounds. Hopefully I can meet my goal or get close to it by the end of the year.

I know I will probably succeed at this weight loss because I have lost about 50 pounds in my early 20s. I ended up gaining again in my late 20s, so now it's time to lose again. It feels like last time, where I have reached a point where my brain is now obsessed with the goal. For years I couldn't get myself to care enough about my weight, so I kept putting more on. Now since I have these obsessive tenacious thoughts about success, I feel I will be able to use them as a tool to reach my goal.

Sometimes being crazy has its perks. There has to be something wrong for me to randomly have these almost manic phases of obsessive thoughts. I don't really care though if it means I can use these feelings to my advantage.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I haven't made an entry in a while. I have a second partner now, and we are in love. We started dating about 4 months ago but it feels like we have been together for a long time.

He is so affectionate and helpful. He gets along well with my husband (primary/nesting partner) quite well. We even play dnd in a group together and that is more fun than I thought it would be! It is my first campaign ever.

My bf is in college still, but he is set to graduate within a year or so. My husband and I are staying in this area for about 2 more years. I already have hopes and dreams about moving somewhere (possibly new), and bringing my partner with us. I wish my husband found another partner like that as well. He does have a current partner, but he told me that when he talked to her about the future it didn't sound like she wanted the same things as we do. They are still together and enjoying their time for now, but I wish she was on board with planning to live together someday.

I know for most couples 4 months or so isn't long enough to decide if you want to move to another state with someone though so maybe in time she will change her mind. If not, I'm sure there are plenty more fish in the sea (especially moving to a more urban area, we are currently in a rural area with few polyamorous or queer folks).

My husband and I have a dream that one day we will own a decent sized house that can accommodate 2 additional partners. We will live life all 4 of us together, helping eachother.

My husband and I already decided that only he and I will have shared bank accounts (we have always chosen to share finances completely since marriage), but it would be a more comfortable life with 2 more household incomes with no kids. (sorry to say, but he and I refuse to date anyone who has children).

I think we both just really yearn for a communal life, even if we wouldn't want to do anything like go off grid. We really like the idea of having our own chosen family.

As a bisexual, it isn't what I had in mind to end up with another male presenting partner, but I simply fell in love with him. I think a lot of what attracts me to my other partner is that even though he identifies as male, he is very feminine. He is smaller than me, and when I hold him it feels similar to holding a woman. I really like that tbh, he has a very androgynous appearance and way of carrying himself.

My husband identifies as nonbinary, more so than I do (although I consider myself probably gender fluid if I had to describe it.) He presents pretty masculinely, but he has feminine qualities in his personality and takes on some more "feminine" gender roles in the house (like cooking, which I do not do.)

My husband's current partner is really cool, I like her a lot. In my opinion, they have more space between them than I do with my bf but it doesn't seem to bother either of them. Maybe this is because they know it may not last beyond the 2 years we are living in this area. It would be so nice if she grew to consider moving with us when we leave, but even if she decides not to stay with my husband it is nice to spend time with her as a "polycule" now.

Since my husband's partner does not seem to cling to him as much as my bf does to me, it feels like I need to work on spending more time with him. Over the next couple of years I definitely need to work on my dynamics juggling my time with both of my partners. Sometimes I still think it would be nice to have a gf as well, but I honestly don't think I could easily juggle my time for a true relationship with another added person. Maybe when I feel I have the dynamics of the 2 I have now down pat, it would be possible... But I would be satisfied to just have a platonic relationship with my husband's partner. I just feel overall I'm lacking in close relationships with women and I would at least like a close female friend again.

I am friends with my husband's current gf, and I enjoy spending time with her but she has always operated as sort of a lone wolf even in her romantic relationship with him. That makes it hard to get close to her tbh, but I know she has reasons why she is the way she is. It's not anything personal.

All in all, I have just found myself daydreaming about the future a lot. I really have faith that my partner is serious about joining our life in a couple of years and it feels nice, but still we have quite a bit of waiting and time here before we enter the next step of our lives.

I have a positive outlook and I'm really happy to have 2 wonderful and loving partners. I can't wait to see what our futures have in store

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I think I'm in love

The way he touches me, the way he kisses me...

The way he always knows what to say.

Maybe it's just infatuation, I don't know

I just think that I love him so

He makes mt heart race

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

My new bf is so great. He does so much for me and he's so passionate. I want to gush to all my friends about him but they probably think it's annoying or don't want to hear it so I'll gush to my diary 😅

I love how he kisses me so much. I really like kissing, probably more than sex.. And I think he is the same way. I have never had a partner that would make out with me for hours like that.

I'm so attracted to him. I feel like I don't get physically attracted to people easily, and since I have felt this sort of physical infatuation after such a long time I am absolutely intoxicated by it. He is a very feminine looking man. He has pretty long hair and such slender delicate features. I find that very appealing and I just can't seem to get enough of him.

He also spends so much quality time with me I'm very thankful. He even seems to enjoy boring tasks with me just because we are together. I can sense he is a devoted person.

As I get to know him better, I like him more and more too. At first he seems like he is gentle and sweet, but when he is feeling playful he knows just how to tease me. He does this thing where he holds his lips like an inch away from mine, and as I lean in he leans away to maintain the small space between us until I'm begging for it. (spicy) ughhhh so hot. We also shotgun smoke to eachother from our ouid vapes and I think that is sexy too.

I don't know what the future holds, but for now I just want to spend my days feeling good and kissing this boy on god

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I started dating a new partner recently. We have good chemistry and he's so affectionate. Even though I'm not very affectionate initiating wise, he is able to get me to be affectionate by always initiating first. I hope my nature to not initiate touch very often will not come to bother him.

He's so passionate and I think he's lovely.. He will kiss me for hours. The only problem I've started to think is that he is using kissing and sex with me to escape his problems in life. We spend so much time just trying to get pleasure with one another that we get nothing else done.

I definitely don't mind the clinginess and I also have an inclination to put off my responsibilities for various outlets of pleasure.. I just worry about him because he is in college and I hope he isn't ditching school work to make out all night.

It's early on so I will deal with that talk as it comes up, but I hope we aren't just living in a fantasy world together that is actually self destructive to us by spending so much time fooling around

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I have been feeling especially depressed and withdrawn

I feel detached

I don't feel like I can connect with people anymore. I think I am often written off as uninterested and self absorbed.

To some degree, I have become overly self involved.. But that is what happens when you aren't involved with others. You just think about what you are feeling/thinking/doing

It has become very difficult for me to maintain focus or attention on things, and people.

I don't think my own affairs are more interesting than other people's, but I feel that the things in my life that I find myself focusing on are things that will not interest others. I think my dysfunction and failure to really maintain mental health is something I cannot hide if I get closer to someone. At that point, I become a burden and then a disappointment for not getting better.

I have the urge to like, make a broad vague post on fb basically saying that I feel socially isolated, but doing that isn't going to create friendships. At most, I will receive a borderline parasocial response from people who are nice to me but still barely see or know me. Anyone who wants me as a real friend won't come to me no matter how I cry for help, I will have to do it myself.

But honestly, I don't think I can even tell when someone wants to be my friend. I guess I assume no one does. I feel like I always fall apart whenever I find out I like someone but they don't like me as much as I do. It's like, I need to know for sure it's safe to get close or I can't let myself. But no one is going to have a secure bond with me in the beginning of a friendship.

I think I am also terrified of being involved in social circles because I feel uncomfortable when people I do not like are in them. I am afraid to be gossiped about, made fun of, criticized, judged. I have a lot to pick on me for, because I'm struggling and I'm an easy target. Some of it is usually misunderstanding, like people thinking I don't like them when I'm actually just depressed and afraid to get hurt so I am withdrawn. But the stuff like being disorganized, forgetful, smoking weed all the time, binge drinking if I go out to a bar, struggling with chores, binge eating, etc. They are all things I really am failing at and I don't really wish to be gossiped about for it.

I feel like the only safe move is that I'm not allowed to have friends until I get my shit together, but what if I never do?

This sucks

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

How much more therapy will I need to live a life where my mommy issues aren't literally ruining my life every day

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I thought today was Tuesday, but it's Thursday.

The days run together.

Having bad money problems

Why does my happiness depend on money so much

Why am I like this

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

Sometimes it feels like I get more mental stimulation from telling someone off than I do telling someone I love them 😳 I am truly deranged. But definitely a girlboss.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

Someone that I cut off that used to be one of my best friends reached out to me today because I am moving.

He only managed to push himself to reach out now because he found out I am moving.

I didn't even really remember how long it has been until I checked. 3 years.

I left the door open if he ever wanted to talk to me again. I didn't block him. I just deleted him from my friends list. I still had his number.

All this time, he never reached out. Not until he knew he might not have a chance to.

He didn't really say anything that I had hoped, I guess. But even if he did, it feels too late.

The main thing he kept saying is he just wanted to be "cordial" so we could go to the same parties and such. I told him I don't care.

I can never truly be "cordial." I will either be on edge or I will avoid things when people I don't get along with are there. I am about to move and I won't even be around. I really just won't. I don't like to travel far from home because of my pets.

It seemed to me that if he cared anymore, he was trying to hide it and make it seem like he was neutral. But if he is neutral, he might as well still be an enemy to me.

I don't feel that way about everyone "neutral", but once I have a falling out with someone I kind of either want things to grow close again or end. I don't think I can truly be neutral in return and I don't like the feeling.

I am overwhelmed. This just seems like something that others want me to do for them.

He seems like he is doing this for others too, not me.

I don't want to be involved with complicated friend dynamics. I would rather be alone. If I can find a close friend, I would prefer that.

I hate the politics of friend groups. I have 0 diplomacy skills whatsoever.

The last thing I said to him was basically that my own interests and life are more important to me than my relationships. I have a lot of problems, and worrying about other people makes me put my own problems on pause.

I told him that I can't wait to leave this place and start over. Even if I don't make friends, I just want to build a life for myself. I am done here.

Although I sound selfish or self absorbed, I think that is what I need to be. No one will take care of me so I have to do this for myself.

He didn't respond after that.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

The duality of having adhd, but also having selective hearing and attention. I can block out my surroundings. I can voluntarily ignore things around me like they aren't there. I can still see, I guess. But I am still limiting my focus. I guess since my attentiveness is already low, maybe that is why it is easier to choose to deliberately not pay attention.

I usually do this to better focus on something else, or to avoid hearing or seeing something that may upset me. For instance, if someone I don't like is around I can pretty easily go on like they don't exist. I can choose to allow myself to notice them if I want to, but if I feel more comfortable blocking them out I will do it. It seems that this is not something everyone can do. My dad used to do this too.

I also tend to use daydreaming and inner thoughts as a way to escape reality. If I'm in my own world, I don't pay attention to the one around me and I roll with that if my surroundings are unpleasant anyway.

In these way, I feel that I use my adhd as armor. If I were to hear someone say something about me, I would become overly affected by it... So I have adapted to this nature by not letting myself hear things like that. It is avoidant though, as I miss out on a lot of things. I just feel like I have to do this to regulate myself. I am so sensitive, and at times mishearing leads to paranoia. I think I am better off blocking it out

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I have grown tired of the same old song and dance

People always act so hurt when they find out that I just view them as an audience...

But why would I view them as anything more when they just view me as a source of entertainment.

I give them something to look at, to gossip about.

I have these feelings in me of resentment when people are attracted to my image, even though I am responsible for creating my image myself.

I resent them for never bothering to look deeper.

They like my style, they like my body, they like how exciting I can be.

They like to psychoanalyze me, they study me.

They talk about me as if I am a medical subject to them even though they only took one psychology class in college.

I'm just so interesting, a character. They want to know what I'm doing. They want to see what I look like. Constantly changing. Hair dye, plastic surgery, rapid weight loss and weight gain.

I'm truly a spectacle to many people, I'm sure.

They act so offended that I view them all as nothing but spectators

I am not thankful for your interest

I am not flattered that you find me exciting, I'm acting manic and I only socialize when I'm binge drinking

You think I'm pretty? I want to customize myself like a video game character. I don't care if you like it, it's my character anyway so all that matters is that I look how I want to look

I am not impressed by praise to my outward appearance, despite how it may seem that I dress for attention.

Sometimes I think I am subconsciously setting a trap. I am always generating a self fulfilling prophecy in which I purposefully doll myself up to stand out, only to anger myself when people only approach me when I look visually appealing.

Over time, I have become more private. I don't post my thoughts publicly as much anymore. I don't tell many people any information about what is going on in my life anymore. (this is an anonymous diary so this does not count 🤪)

When I used to post about that stuff on Facebook, I think it made a lot of people feel like they knew me.

They really didn't. I'm not going to give that to people around me anymore.

They thought they were my friends, but they were just an audience to someone they don't even really know.

But is it really my fault if people take shallow slivers of information about me and convince themselves that they actually know me just from that?

No one was hitting me up

No one invited me unless it was a fucking party. Where I can be a spectacle once again.

No invites one on one.

No small get-togethers.

No deep conversations.

Me oversharing when I binge drink doesn't replace laying in bed and talking about our dreams until 4am.

None of them were fucking friends and they deserve to be reduced to numbers.

Well I don't even want them as numbers anymore.

I don't want empty validation. I don't want to be "known" by people I don't even care about anymore.

I am putting locks up. I'm setting passwords. You have to win my trust and my attention, or I won't give it to you at all.

I am probably regarded as self-absorbed. The "audience" may cry out about how I shouldn't isolate myself from them...

Or what? You'll have to find someone else to be your case study?

People who want to get along with as many people as possible are worse than people who are ornery and asocial.

I despise people who value networking and popularity over finding a few people in this world who are actually deeply special to them.

A bunch of shallow connections are worthless to me.

I know I have to play nice in some settings, and just be a little friendly. Just be polite. But it drains me to pretend. It drains me so much

I find more comfort being alone or with my partner. Being with him has the comfort of being alone without feeling lonely.

If I were to die and only a few people knew me well enough to mourn me, I would be ok with that. I do not care if I leave anything behind. I have no children, no legacy.

I just want to exist, enjoy myself, and find a few people that bring me comfort and joy.

I do not feel much shame for how much I prioritize the self.

Men do it all the time. They follow their dreams. They don't have to be dragged down by parenting, that can be left to the mother. They are encouraged to realize their potential, look within, understand themselves and know what they want in life. It's OK for men to care more about making money than being parents and serving others.

Maybe I should have been born a man. But to be honest, my mother raised me equally to my brothers. I don't think she intended to influence me to reject motherhood, but I know deep down she always wished she could have focused on her education and hobbies.

She did everything. All my dad had to do was go to work and come home and watch TV. Although she did love him, she seems to have found freedom in having her children grow into adults. When my dad died, she finally started focusing on her hobbies and her goals. That is what she always wanted.

I do not feel like I am more selfish for refusing to have children and go straight to self growth as if I am a man. I think she wishes she had the option to, but I was born. I wasn't even unplanned.

I think she just always thought that is what her life's purpose was supposed to be as a woman. She had to be a mother.

I get enough mother feelings just from having some lazy, low-maintenance pets. I do not like children. I hate their screams, and I hate what they would represent if I had any. I know that deep down, I would feel like a child is an obligation that would take my freedom away. To be a parent, specifically a mother, you can no longer prioritize the self. You must prioritize the children, the family.

But men can still develop as an individual. I resent them for that fact. And my mother did too.

I am fortunate that my spouse does not force me into a box or place gendered expectations in me. I do not think of him as a "man", though I still use male pronouns most of the time. I am the same way, I use female pronouns but I consider myself a rebellion to what it means to be a "woman" in many ways.

Although my appearance is feminine, I strongly reject feminine roles. I hate cooking, I dislike children, I struggle with chores and organization.

I enjoy studying, I enjoy work that intrigues me. I fight anyone who tells me to tone myself down. I would never submit to a partner that told me what to wear or how to act. How to talk. I would quickly resent anyone who openly criticized me for traits that I value in myself.

My mother used to tell me I should sit funny, or I look mentally ill. Well, I am fucking mentally ill. So I never stopped. (I do kind of regret my bad posture as I have gotten older due to the back pain though lol)

My mother raised me with such a contradictory theme. She raised me to be my authentic self and reject anyone who would bully me or try to dull my sparkle for it, but at the same time she would bully me herself as if she should be allowed to control me but no one else can.

I am very resistant to any personalities that resemble that about my mother. I always go fight or flight. I'm not completely avoidant, but sometimes I find that avoiding people like that is better than fighting because I will lash out and cause a scene when I feel someone is mirroring the treatment I received from my mother growing up. When I feel that someone has crossed a line, all bets are off and I can become cuttingly cruel. Merciless even.

I can get myself into trouble with my tendency to be vindictive and mean, but I rarely ever show that side of myself for no reason. The problem is, no one has sympathy for you when you execute someone for stealing a loaf of bread if you know what I'm saying. Sigh

Anyway that's a wrap I guess for my bedtime rambles. I am getting sleepy.

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

Not me deeply romanticizing relationships where someone knows how to make an emotionally unavailable character fall in love because I myself am closed off and emotionally unavailable, but I would open up if someone beautiful wanted to be close to me bad enough 🙃

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I wonder what happened 👀

U didn't believe me when I said they bullied me

And then they pulled that shit last week bringing my ex best friend to the club I haven't seen in years

They tried to get near me and intimidate me but I completely ignored them (other than a few very fair glares being like what are u trying to do)

Ex best friend just looked uncomfortable and didn't even pull the bully bullshit that chick did, even tho she does talk mad shit and not face me ever

I wonder if my ex realized she made a mistake for not believing me. She didn't believe that girl was bullying me, but last week she literally tried to do it right before her eyes

She thought she did somethin but maybe all she did was prove I was telling the truth this whole time

What kind of person deliberately goes out of their way to try to trigger a mentally ill person in ways that she can manipulate the scenario and just point at me and be like "look how crazy she is acting! She's crazy!"

I didn't react to her. I didn't give her any power. And I think because of that, the people who didn't believe me before finally saw the truth. At least I hope so.

No one said sorry, but I guess I get why. I would probably bluntly tell them I don't want to talk to them if any of them tried.

I do think it's too late. Maybe I'm unfair for it, but I am not willing to give them another chance because they didn't believe me and wrote me off as crazy even though I try very hard to be very genuine and honest as much as I can. They just knew I have bpd and they thought I had a skewed perception of what happened. They gaslit me and thought I just found a way to take something the wrong way.

But that girl really was being mean to me for no reason. She told me how she really feels. I never knew how she viewed me until then. I had already forgiven her for something else really shitty she did, and she didn't even know I knew about it.

And they didn't believe me. Not even my own girlfriend, so we broke up over it. And now I hope she saw the truth.

She came back out to the bar today, but none of the other people I cut off for not believing me or my ex best friend came with her this time.

I wonder what happened.