Enter OCEAN EYES and NOT DEAD YET, two of the king’s most quarrelsome stablehands.
OCEAN
May one explain what powdered milk doth be?
Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.
NOT DEAD
The water flees to air, the rest is left.
The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.
OCEAN
Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?
NOT DEAD
Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?
OCEAN
Is milk not one pure substance in itself?
NOT DEAD
No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.
OCEAN
Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!
NOT DEAD
‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds.
If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.
Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.
DERIN
‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water,
As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens.
With water gone, the powdered milk remains.
A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.
BURNING BRAND’S NOTE
Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d
That milk is element of chemistry.
The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.
OCEAN
As he who instigated such a fight,
I felt that this creation was my duty.
OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.
OCEAN
Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.
Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.
JASON FUNDER BERKER
And yet the burning question still remains:
‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?
JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.
DERIN
A lanthinide! A special case, I see.
How fascinating, geometrically.
But let us leave atomic musings be.
For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.
OCEAN
Of course it is, for I am always right.
My choices are, of course, deliberate.
DERIN
I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord
Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d.
It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.
OCEAN
Of course; however, in sincerity
I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.
DERIN
I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension.
To teach to thee would take this much too far.
Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.
JESIN
Do teach us, it would not take this too far!
DERIN
Ye all complain of learning strangely,
Then ask me baiting questions such as this!
BOOP BOOP
Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death!
Milk is formed of small component parts.
The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine
They seep through pores of membranes in this drink
Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out.
All this obtained for small amounts of coin.
DERIN
No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.
FLIPOCRITE
The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.
DERIN
May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes
So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.
VELVET
A cube of milk, three inches on each side
Could blow up the entire galaxy.
DERIN
Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion.
‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”
LOVELY DREAMS
Thus ends our entertainment for the night
Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.
Exuent, pursued by a cow.
(Shakespearean adaptation format inspired by @mortimermcmirestinks in this post)
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